It was supposed to be just sex...We are both married.

[Jane Deaux]

I am very sorry that you are still at a place that is unsure. That can be one of the worst parts. Did you tell your husband anything? Whether about the affair or just in general about your feelings of an inadequate marriage. I sometimes think that when my children are old enough to understand more and manage a split home life then my marriage may end. Do you find yourself at a point where you are as close as ever to leaving your husband with or without this other man?

[Katharin Clifton]

I am very sorry that you are still at a place that is unsure. That can be one of the worst parts. Did you tell your husband anything? Whether about the affair or just in general about your feelings of an inadequate marriage. I sometimes think that when my children are old enough to understand more and manage a split home life then my marriage may end. Do you find yourself at a point where you are as close as ever to leaving your husband with or without this other man?

 

I am sure glad to hear from you Jane, cos we have much in common.

 

No, I have not told my husband about the affair because i know it will devastate him. Now, before u start to feel sorry for him, you need to know that he had been a real ******* to me all these years - hitting me, calling me a psycho bitch when i suffered post-natal depression and leaving me alone with the kids for weeks when he went on trips abroad with his own friends to have fun.

 

He was such a jerk to me that, when I finally told my best friend about the affair, she actually said:

"Oh, thank God it was YOU who had the affair and not him! It would have broken my heart if it were him because he's already caused you so much pain and suffering!"

 

Even though that's how my best friend felt, she did not encourage me to leave my H nor to develop anything with my MM. She felt that my MM was messed up emotionally and behaved in a very selfish way by kissing me even though he knew that I was married with kids, especially since he was under the impression that I was HAPPILY married at that point.

 

I am the kind of woman who can only love 1 person at a time. So when I was falling for my MM, I was pulling away from my H. Soon, my H felt it and started to get worried.

 

You see, throughout my 11 years with H, I have always been the dutiful wife who put her family first and her own needs last. He took me for granted and treated me very badly, thinking that I would never leave him.

 

But MM happened to enter my life at a point where I was fed-up and, quite honestly, the timing could not have been better / worse (depending on how you see it). I was actually feeling very very rebellious at that time and wanted to turn my back against the values that I had been raised to believe. So when he made his move, I just went along with it. I told myself: I am sick of putting other people first my whole life. For once I am going to do what makes me happy. And kissing MM makes me happy.

 

So anyway, when H started to notice that I was pulling away from him, he became suspicious and started watching me a little more closely. At one point he even confronted me about whether i was having an affair. I denied it point blank and went on to tell him that he had no right to speak that way to me considering how he has been treating me all these years. That shut him up alright.

 

One good thing that came out of this affair is that he has realised that he came close to losing me and he has been trying to change for the better, though there have been a few relapses.

 

For me, I cannot say that I love my H. I have been hurt too many times by him and I am afraid to open up my heart again. Sometimes i feel that I should for the children's sake, but I don't think I can bear being hurt one more time. I am basically biding my time. The truth is, if i had a million bucks right now, i'd divorce my H right away. I am financially dependent on him so it's not so easy to leave him. H may be nicer to me now, but i just don't love him any more. People say Love is an act of will. I never understood it till now and all i can say is, i cannot find the will to love someone i feel nothing for.

 

I do not want the years to pass and end up an old and bitter woman. So i need to make good choices. Right now, i still plan to leave my husband eventually and I am taking steps towards greater financial freedom. Staying for the kids' sake is sometimes not the best idea. Especially when they can see how unhappy u are. They CAN feel the tension acutely.

 

As for exMM, he's history. He needs to sort out his own life, do right by his wife before seeking to create new relationships with other women. If he really does love his wife, he needs to work on his marriage. And if he doesn't love her, then they should spilt so that she can find happiness with someone who can be authentic with her.

 

I really do not envy her position at all right now. I am quite sure my exMM is running about town, socializing with other women and leading them on with his charming ways. Even if he does miss me, at the end of the day he loves himself more and his actions show that he has always sought to gratify himself and protect his own interests from the very start.

 

I do not need someone like that in my life.

 

Do write back to me. It's been comforting making your acquaintance.

[Jane Deaux]

Well, what an eventful 5 years.

 

Separated twice. This is the final time and papers are on the way.

 

I've been going through old posts, reviewing where I was then.

I must say, what a mess I was.

 

I'm in a completely different place. Turns out, husband was on drugs, possible affairs, maybe not, but it explains his inability to give me the things I needed to connect and love.

 

My boys are old enough to handle the divorce, which is being one very mature and friendly. Soon to be ex doesn't want the divorce, but why would he when I've been a complete crutch for him.

 

I'm empowered, have a great job and I'm a new person.

Loving life and as soon as these papers are in the system, I'm going to date for pleasure. I don't think I'll be in a long term relationship fir a very long time. I don't want commitment. I just want to relax and focus on me! Can't have no man messing up my free spirit and frame of mind. It's me and my kids from here on. I'm so happy right now after a very dark 8 years.

[Robert]

This is an older thread and the threadstarter has started a new update, so we'll close this thread up and link back to it from the new thread.

 

Please post responses here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/603024-5-years-later-here-i-am

 

Thank you,

~6