Dealing with anger effectively

[robaday]

I guess this is the right place to post this. First I need to emphasize I am not a violent person.

 

But I have major issues dealing with conflict. If someone is shouting at me or arguing, I shut down and walk away. I dont know how to react at the time, quickly and effectively to diffuse the situation.

 

I take it internally and stew and then two days later try and resolve it quietly with the person. The person, who has understandably already forgotten (these are not big arguments or anything) normally thinks Im crazy.

 

This is unhealthy for me, I let things stew. I suffer from depression, and I think this adds to it. I dont have an effective way of dealing with conflict and it turns inward-the person Im working with, dating, or friend, is surprised when I react so late. How do I deal with this?

[Tayla]

Sure hope someone chimes in with the secret !

 

I've yet to witness an anger outburst from co workers or friends turn out pleasant......so what is the point of expressing it if its such negative vibes....

I get where you are coming from....

[robaday]

Thanks Tayla,

 

I know it sounds like a good thing, but the point is I beat myself up for not sticking up for myself in those situations, I do anything to avoid conflict but after wish Im stronger.

 

i think im too nice, and when I bring stuff up it comes across as being passive aggressive, which i guess it is. The last thing I want is to be perceived as a bitch or whinger.

[Ross PK]

Sounds like sticking up for yourself at the time would be your best bet. Whether it should be by getting angry back, or not, or how you do this I don't know. But I'm sure you're feeling the way you feel as a result of not sticking up for yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

I guess this is the right place to post this. First I need to emphasize I am not a violent person.

Good for you. That's to be admired in today's world....

 

But I have major issues dealing with conflict. If someone is shouting at me or arguing, I shut down and walk away. I dont know how to react at the time, quickly and effectively to diffuse the situation.

You may not believe me, but in my opinion, this is the absolutely best thing you could do, I really believe that.....with an additional point....

 

I take it internally and stew and then two days later try and resolve it quietly with the person. The person, who has understandably already forgotten (these are not big arguments or anything) normally thinks Im crazy.

...And here is the additional point':

I would, at the moment of conflict, say that you are not prepared to discuss anything now while matters are so heated, because that's when things are said in haste. But you're going to mull it over and come back, because you don't feel any response now, would be either constructive or productive. You suffer from depression, and this kind of thing makes it worse.

Then - turn around and walk away.

 

This is unhealthy for me, I let things stew. I suffer from depression, and I think this adds to it. I dont have an effective way of dealing with conflict and it turns inward-the person Im working with, dating, or friend, is surprised when I react so late.

This is not reasonable. we don't all have quick-fire rapid-response reflexes. Let me tell you, I don't suffer from depression, and this kind of thing gets to me too.

I never react well, if I succumb to the knee-jerk reaction. Truth to tell, I really don't think many people do. Hence the saying, 'Act in haste, repent at leisure'. Reacting on the spot - and making a complete hash of it, is a lot more common than you think. I really believe you have found a better way.

 

How do I deal with this?

you understand that in all honesty, you're doing the right thing. it's others who cock it up, big time.

Never heard anyone say, "I wish I hadn't said that"....?

I say it to myself far too often for comfort!

 

I know it sounds like a good thing, but the point is I beat myself up for not sticking up for myself in those situations, I do anything to avoid conflict but after wish Im stronger.

In my opinion, it takes far more strenghth and self-control to NOT react. It's Mastery of the self, and I need to be more like you, and less like me....

 

i think im too nice, and when I bring stuff up it comes across as being passive aggressive, which i guess it is. The last thing I want is to be perceived as a bitch or whinger.

There's 'nice' and there's walk-over. I think you just need to build your self-confidence a bit, but realise your actions are completely right. now back 'em up with confidence and conviction.

[jean-luc sisko]

- Resolve the issue there and then.

- Don't be angry back, but ask them why they are angry.

- Should it escalate to violence, let it do so. The key is never to hit the first punch, for ethical and legal reasons.

 

I find it's healthy to not stew over things. it's a waste of energy and thought, which can be spent on more productive things.

[tman666]

Turn it into something positive. Physical exercise can be great for this. There has to be some sort of release. One of the best things that I do personally to relieve anger is boxing. You don't even have to go against another person. A good session on the heavy bag can be very therapeutic, not to mention you'll be doing something that can get you in great shape.

 

In a situation where someone is shouting at you, you don't have to play their game. I disagree that not reacting at all is the best course of action. This only shows that you were able to be shut down, and will be perceived as weakness. Conversely, shouting back only escalates a situation (usually), plus has the added bonus of potentially making yourself look like an ass. An alternative might be directly telling that person that you'll be happy to discuss the matter further when they are more calm. You've got to stand up for yourself or you'll turn into a wounded animal. What happens when someone tries to approach a wounded animal? It lashes out. This is how people end up getting themselves into hot water.

 

I hear where you're coming from on feeling like a whipped dog by not ripping out the throat of the aggressor. It's something I've experienced every single time I've been the bigger man and backed down. However, part of being a man (and staying out of jail) is being calm and direct in such a situation. Once you lose your cool, then you're suddenly the bad guy. This doesn't mean that you don't defend yourself, but utilize everything in your disposal to de-escalate the situation peacefully.

 

Getting rid of that icky feeling afterward can be accomplished through a good heavy bag session though. Shooting clays is great too.

[Surrealist]

I guess this is the right place to post this. First I need to emphasize I am not a violent person.

 

But I have major issues dealing with conflict. If someone is shouting at me or arguing, I shut down and walk away. I dont know how to react at the time, quickly and effectively to diffuse the situation.

 

I take it internally and stew and then two days later try and resolve it quietly with the person. The person, who has understandably already forgotten (these are not big arguments or anything) normally thinks Im crazy.

 

This is unhealthy for me, I let things stew. I suffer from depression, and I think this adds to it. I dont have an effective way of dealing with conflict and it turns inward-the person Im working with, dating, or friend, is surprised when I react so late. How do I deal with this?

 

Hey just a question. If you are a relative calm, placid person, why would anyone feel the need to shout out you in the first place? I mean, it doesn't sound like you purposefully offend or become contentious with people, unless you ommitted that from your post? I just find it strange. I'm like you in that I tend to be more passive / aggressive and I hate it. I never knew I had it until my ex pointed it out and I learnt that behaviour from my mother who is extremely passive / aggresive.

[bac]

I guess this is the right place to post this. First I need to emphasize I am not a violent person.

 

But I have major issues dealing with conflict. If someone is shouting at me or arguing, I shut down and walk away. I dont know how to react at the time, quickly and effectively to diffuse the situation.

 

I take it internally and stew and then two days later try and resolve it quietly with the person. The person, who has understandably already forgotten (these are not big arguments or anything) normally thinks Im crazy.

 

This is unhealthy for me, I let things stew. I suffer from depression, and I think this adds to it. I dont have an effective way of dealing with conflict and it turns inward-the person Im working with, dating, or friend, is surprised when I react so late. How do I deal with this?

 

Actually, you are doing the right thing. First, you should control your emotional impulses. Then, you should think rationally/logically about a solution. Perhaps, you get depressed because you see things irrationally/emotionally while you are internalizing them.

The most important thing is to be reasonable/rational, but not emotional/impulsive.

[Tayla]

The reality is, emotions can not be reasoned with or questioned, we FEEL what we feel. We can validate them though! ANd for good reason. When Anger of normalcy occurs its an internal indicator of an injustice or a perceived injustice. (Basically our core values are being attacked). Anger taps us loudly on the shoulder expecting us to move forward...step it up and act (notice..not re-act but act on this value).

I've yet to hear of some solutions at the time of incidence...and yes that is when it should be confronted...not ten years later....or two days later....by then its the past and the damage has been done....Yes taking a breather is a good thing...counting to ten...whatnot, but I still side with the poster...How does one grown integrity and courage when they have for years practiced Flee or fight modes? This poster does make some valid drawbacks to fleeing....its hurting them...

[robaday]

If you are a relative calm, placid person, why would anyone feel the need to shout out you in the first place? I mean, it doesn't sound like you purposefully offend or become contentious with people, unless you ommitted that from your post? I just find it strange.

 

I dont go out to offend people and Id say Im a calm person. However inside Im not, Im filled with pent up frustration which in some ways makes me a not very nice person...a classic Glover Nice Guy I guess. I have my own codes for how I want to be treated and if those are not respected I get frustrated. Problem is most people have no idea what those are, those individual lines I guess we all have which cannot be crossed.

 

I guess I am oversensitive. Something I dont like about myself. I have always been this way. Brought up in a house full of women without a father, and prone to depression conflict is drama i try and avoid. I have toughened up but thanks to OCD and anxiety arguments replay in my head over and over driving me insane.

 

Regarding instances I can think of. I have had maybe three viscious rows with my sister. Also with my last girlfriend, she could be really temperamental when drunk. With both women I walked away and spoke to the next day-im not saying i was innocent, i think im careless when drunk and have a habit of being forgetful, or self absorbed....

 

With men and aggression, if i really lose it i blow-hence walking off, Im scared what id do if they pushed me far enough. This has only happened twice in my life and seriously it wasnt pretty.