I feel broken

[starryeyed12]

It's starting to really dawn on me how much emotional and physical (mild) abuse I have put up with the last year and a half from my recent ex. I don't understand why I let myself be treated that way. I felt like I deserved the suffering, the pain. Like it would make us better if we could survive it. Like it was God's way of testing my strength.

 

There were times I wanted him to take his pain out on me if it would make him feel better, if it would snap him out of his problems. But there were good times and there was love. It's still hard for me to stay away from him, and he just wants me gone now. Too much has happened, and I do agree. I feel like I'm broken now, like I could never let another man in like that again.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like you have some very distorted views about what love is. Abuse (mild..what is that? or not) is never okay or should be put in the same category as love. You may want to take some time out from dating and get into abuse counseling to start the healing process. You want to be whole and not broken when you go into the next relationship or things will just get worse.

 

Love is not pain. Its pain no matter what context you look at it.

 

Best wishes

[starryeyed12]

I guess what I mean is that we fell in love and things were good for a while. We wanted to be with each other and get married and have a family. It was powerful and it was real to me. Then things went downhil and the abusive behaviors started. When I say mild I mean that he never left physical bruises, just pushed me around a little and slapped me once when he was angry. I pushed his buttons, I can admit that.

 

You're right abuse is not love. But when I experienced some form of love or infatuation, and then later abuse, the lines became blurred. It didn't help that I'm from the belief that when you committ yourself to someone or something important, you give it all you have to make it work. So, I put up with it hoping we could make a change.

 

I'm honestly scared to go to counseling.

[insecure_girl]

Hi. I'm the girl who got you fed up on that other thread. I know this thread is a few days old now, but I have to post. I know how you feel.

 

You were probably very codependent in that relationship. I was too when I was with my ex. He abused me, mostly emotionally and psychologically (he's such a manipulative person it's scary), although he did get a bit physical sometimes... never that it made me fear for my life, but yeah, he did push me sometimes and one time he pulled my hair.

 

There was love. Like 95% of the time, everything was great. But that other 5% did cause us a lot of grief. I too thought if I endured the abuse, it'd help him overcome his problems, especially since he always said he'd get over it, that he'd change that I just needed to be patient and give him time. For the record, he had jealousy and trust issues because of my past (I can't even call it sexual past since I lost my virginity to him, but I had made out heavily with other guys before, casually, I never had a boyfriend prior to him). I never cheated or even intended to, but he was convinced I would cause he thought I was a sl*t. He constantly called me that during fights.

 

I cried a lot, but I loved him, so I thought it was just something I'd have to deal with. We had so much in common, we were so alike, and he was so sweet 95% of the time, I just thought the pain was just a small price to pay.

 

Until I got fed up, and broke up with him. It's been 6 months or so, and I feel a bit better, but I still mis him. I feel like slapping myself for missing him and loving him, because I know what he did was wrong, and that I shouldn't have to put up with it. But yeah, I love him, I miss him, I have to acknowledge my feelings. I'm sure time will make it better. At least I have the support of my friends, and being able to be myself again, without having to face consequences or questionings from anyone... that has helped.

 

As of now, I feel like I won't be able to fall in love again, like I don't want a long term relationship again. But I guess that's because abuse is very draining emotionally... I'm aware it'll take a while to recover. I haven't gone to therapy, although I've considered it. My self esteem is really low right now. But I try to keep myself positive, by thinking of all the cool things I'll be able to do now that I'm independent and my own person again, like pursuing a post graduate degree after I finish college next year (he wanted us to get married right after I graduated, and he didn't want me to move to another place to go to a better university to get a post graduate degree... he also didn't want to move with me).

 

It's hard letting go of such people, people we loved so much, people who had such an effect on us... he's also found it hard to stay away from me... but it's what we have to do for us to heal and find better people to be happy with... or no one at all, sometimes I feel I'll be happier if I stay single.

 

Anyway, the thing is, you're not alone, I totally understand what you're going through. If I find a way to overcome that, I'll let you know. But I'm positive I can, and that you can too.

[starryeyed12]

Hey, thanks for the reply. Yes, I was in a pretty low place when I first put out this thread. I've gotten stronger since then, but I feel very similar to you in that I don't know if I'll be able to love anyone again or anytime in the near future. The thought of a LTR stirs a lot of mixed emotions. It's like I still feel some kind of loyalty to him- I can only go so far getting to know another person until I just shut down. Then I start to miss him.

 

It's been very hard for the both of us to stay away. His birthday was last week and we did hang out. Things were going well, but the same old issues crop up and things go to the gutter quickly. We've been trapped in this horrible cycle of break ups and make ups. It's been a complex and draining relationship, and I believe it has come to its end simply because we both have no more energy- pos. or neg.- to give.

 

His abuse started with just stupid comments, which I'm guessing yours did too. He definitely loved calling me a "floozy" and hating on all my friends. Anytime he did something that upset me, it was only because I was being immature or selfish or vain or crazy. He could do no wrong in his mind as long as I was the one who had all the issues. These comments and actions certainly led to a level of insecurity for me. Thats what they were intended to do- as a power and control game, a way to make himself feel better too. Your ex obviously seemed to play that too, and it gives your OP a whole new context.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me some hope that I'll be able to get over this. I hope to be able to hit the 6 month mark of NC someday. Sometimes it seems like it will be impossible, and he and I will just find another way to see each other again. But I know how I feel deep down, and God willing I'll be able to stick to it.