I Want My Friend to be More Than a Friend. What Chance Do I Have?

[Trippitaka]

Thanks for your post RED. Yeah, what you say seems perfectly logical. Trouble is, because I want this so much I have been willing to hold onto tiny possibilities that maybe she hasn't the courage to tell me that she likes me too, (in the time since our original talk,) or she hasn't known how to go about it. Wishful thinking, though, I guess.

 

The reason I haven't pressed the issue with regard to speaking to her about it again is that I had picked up on the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me about it. The last time I broached the subject was when she got back from holiday (about March 15th) when I just sent her an email saying that I needed to speak to her about it again. Hopefully, therefore, I haven't annoyed her with always wanting to bring it up.

 

Personally, I think that the not wanting to hurt my feelings story, (in this case and perhaps in many others) is just a cover for the real truth which is that she lacks the courage to give me a proper rejection. If she didn't want to hurt my feelings then she would make sure I didn't go through this for two months and who knows how much more time, having my heart torn more and more to shreds with each passing day.

[aquataine]

Trippitaka...

Thanks for sharing your story with us again. Mate, my heart goes out to you. As I said in my previous post, I have been through a situation very similar to your own. That was a few years ago now, and I think that in my "advancing age" I have gained a bit more wisdom that I can pass on to you now. It is of course entirely up to you whether or not you want to force the issue with this girl by bringing on "the talk". I think that this will have to depend on how much you feel that you need definite closure. Don't want to be blunt, but I think that you should be aware that you are almost certainly going to get a negative result. Perhaps you need this in order to move on, but if you can accept this without a formal rejection, then you might be able salvage a good portion of "face" by simply walking away.

 

Girls who have any significant interest in a guy, would not (i) Repeatedly not reply to messages, (ii) Persistently break dates, (iii) *always* bringing other people to your dates. If a girl really liked you enough to even consider going out with you, they would not make it so difficult for you.

 

Whatever you chose to do, it'll be a tough time for you... I know the feeling believe me... but also believe me when I say that you *will* get through it. In time you will see that it is your right to be with someone who cares about you and treats you with the respect that you so totally deserve.

 

Good luck man. Our thoughts are with you.

[Trippitaka]

Thanks for your message Aquataine. I'm in a bit of a hurry just now, but I will post again tonight - there is news to tell!

[sexypussy]

no it wont work do not do it

[Trippitaka]

OK, the news as promised. Sorry, couldn't do it last night as my PC was playing up.

 

Following the barbecue I didn't try to contact her and she didn't try to contact me so nothing else happened until we got into work on Tuesday, (Monday was a public holiday.) As I would have predicted, I got an email from her fairly early on apologising for not turning up and going into great detail with her explanation of exactly how hung over she was, etc, etc. Now this is usually the point where I'll act a bit moody for an hour or two and then reply saying it's not a problem, can't be helped, blah blah.

 

Anyway, on this occasion I sent a mail straight back saying that I'm not accepting the apology and there has to come a time when I stop pretending that it's all OK and that these things don't bother me. Then there was silence. A silence that went on for about three hours. Following that I got an email back asking if I wanted to meet for lunch as we need to sort this out.

 

So we met for lunch and the rest is fairly predictable. I told her that it wasn't Saturday that was bothering me (well not in isolation). I told her that it was a culmination of all the times when I've been ignored, stood up, etc, etc, and that I had reached the point where I didn't have the energy to keep believing anymore and that she needed to tell me the truth. I explained that because she had not given me any answer to what I had asked for a couple of months back and because she had not responded to my subsequent request to speak about it again I was left in the dark. As I wanted this so badly I had seized upon miniscule chances that maybe this could happen and that I was refusing to let go until I knew 100% that there was nothing more I could do.

 

So she gave me the definite answer I had been waiting on - you all know what that answer is. I knew myself as well, but I was running with that approximate 0.1% chance that I was wrong and all of you were wrong and that something inexplicable was going on in her head. Well, this obviously wasn't the case.

 

She apologised for not having told me sooner. She had known the definite answer since the first day I broached the subject back on March 4th, but she hadn't told me straight because she was worried about how I would react and didn't want to hurt my feelings and then the longer it went on the more difficult it became to face.

 

Anyway, it was all quite amicable. I told her that was all that I needed to hear and that there is no shame in it. I told her how much it hurt, but that hearing it was what I needed and it would have hurt more in the long run if she had never said anything. I told her that I would like to remain friends and for everything to go back to normal if she wanted that as well. She said that she did.

 

I think she was actually quite surprised by my response because she knows that she has handled this really badly. She even said the words "I had hoped that it would all just go away." It didn't, of course, and deep down she probably knew it wouldn't. She said to me that she can't understand why I don't hate her and why I would even want to know her now. As I said to her, though, if her only crime is not having the strength to deal with this problem to try to protect my feelings, then why would I ever hate the person that I have had stronger feelings for than anyone else in my life ever. Those feelings didn't arise through any kind of deception on her part, they arose because of the person that she is. One thing is for sure, no matter how much others may have seen the last few months as having been a waste of their lives, my attitude towards it is that it has enriched my life in so many ways, it has given me the focus and motivation to achieve so many things and it has taught me many new things about myself, what I'm capable of and what I'm capable of feeling. I wouldn't give back what the last few months have meant to me for anything.

 

The following day, (Wednesday,) I decided that I wanted to send her an email. I felt that I needed to clarify what had been said the previous day and to emphasise some of the things that I had said, particularly with respect to the fact that she was feeling guilty for her part in causing all this turmoil and grief in my life and to let her know that she shouldn't be left feeling bad about any of it - even if only for my sake I can't bear that thought of her being upset, so that would just make it worse for me. Further to that, I have tried to explain how I do like her very much as a person and that nothing I have done or said has been based on a bias of wanting to turn the relationship into something different (even if it is true that I wanted to do that anyway.) Essentially I wanted her to know that I had always been genuine and I needed her to trust that and trust that in the future I would be genuine and there would no longer be a hidden agenda.

 

Also, and this was the main reason for the email, I wanted to set down my feelings about our friendship i.e. if and how it is going to work out. Basically I have said that if the friendship is going to exist then it needs to be 50-50 - she needs to want it as much as I do and not just say that she does in order to avoid hurting my feelings further. I said that I also need honesty from her from this point on - I don't want her to leave out parts of her life and avoid me or avoid telling me things or make things up just to make her life simpler and (once again) to save my feelings. At the moment I am unsure as to whether the dishonesty I have seen in her and the evidence of her being economical with the truth has been purely down to her not knowing how she should have dealt with that particular situation, or whether that is what she is always like. Anyway, I have highlighted that as being an important issue in the email I sent.

 

Sending that email was a bit of difficult job, I can tell you. If you think some of my messages on this thread are lengthy you should have seen the extent of this particular work of literature! I also found it hard because Wednesday was the day that I was having the most emotional difficulty. The finality of it all had had the chance to sink in, but I hadn't had chance to get over it at all. Each paragraph that I wrote felt like I was somehow knocking another nail into a coffin. I started out at about 10 in the morning and I kept coming back to it in stages, but I didn't actually get as far as sending it until about midnight that night! Funnily enough, though, as soon as I had hit send it felt like a weight had been lifted and the whole thing started to get easier from that point.

 

Right now I am awaiting a response to the email still. My thoughts on it are this: If she responds acknowledging all that I have said and agreeing with my sentiments and telling me that she does want the friendship, then I will give my best shot at getting past my romantic feelings in order to pave the way for a good platonic friendship. If, however, she says that the friendship is not that important to her and/or she does not see my way of thinking on any or all of my points, then I will consider the friendship over and attempt to back away with what dignity I have left. The way I see it, because I care for her now, that will always exist on some level for as long as she is part of my life and I won't be able to do the half-hearted work colleague thing. Similarly, if she doesn't respond to the email at all, (which I see as a possibility), then this will also mean the friendship is over. If she cannot speak her mind and level with me now after what has happened then I will consider that she never will be able to and therefore will prove herself to not be the sort of person I can have a meaningful friendship with.

 

So there we go. That's that.

 

I'm not too worried about the outcome of this final part, really. I would like to be able to keep her friendship if we can both deal with it, but I think if she doesn't want to express herself now or doesn't agree with what I am saying then being that sort of person I would guess that if we had gotten together (in a relationship sense) then it never would have lasted anyway. So either way, a positive will come from this.

 

Anyway, it's been fun. It's also been very difficult, emotional, tumultuous and soul-destroying, but above all it's been fun! I don't have any regrets and I think that's the main thing.

 

Feel free to continue to post here if you have any more advice that you would like to share - I guess with regard to whether you think this friendship might work may be the main thing - but if not I'd like to thank everyone who has read this thread for taking the time to do so and everyone who has posted for their help and support over the last couple of months. It has all been much appreciated and has gotten me through some difficult times.

 

Trippitaka