Dealing with a friend's suicide - a 14-year-old boy

[teardrop7]

An aqaintance of mine that I admired and liked, died a couple of days ago from an aparent suicide. It was/is really strange and a new experience for me. Has this happend to anyone? How do I deal with it? He is only 14.

[Tony T]

I've had a number of friends/acquaintances take their lives over the years. I suppose I have known more people than the average person because of my work in the news business. What makes your case sad is that the victim was 14, hardly old enough to realize that his circumstances were only temporary and things could only get better. There is a lot of teen suicide these days, lots more than in the past. Parents aren't sensitive to the warning signs and are often too involved in their own bullshxt to know what's happening. Social, educational and other challenges for teens are far more complex than they used to be. To some who are ill prepared to deal with those challenges, the method of choice for coping is taking one's life.

 

It's very hard because you always wonder if there was anything you could have said or done that might have prevented this tragic ending. Don't go there. Life is full of choices and some just prefer to exit stage right. Console the family and move on with your life as a positive tribute to this young person who lacked the understanding and support to hang in there and deal with what he probably considered to be overwhelming events and conditions in his life.

 

I've seen suicide happen in many ways and many circustances. It's always different, it's always hard to deal with. In the majority of cases, there was absolutely no warning and no way anyone could have known what was going on in the person's life or what was about to happen. People who are serious about taking their lives usually don't say much. They just do it. If you aren't familiar with the subtle warning signs, you miss the whole preamble.

 

Being a teen can be very hard because there's a tremendous urge to fit it, to be part of the crowd. If drugs were involved, they can be a powerful tool in the process. Enough drugs can make a person feel suicide is a relgious event. Being 14 today is like being 21 was thirty years ago. Being 14 today brings a lot of the same problems being 21 thirty years ago had.

 

The key here is not to feel guilty and to let your friend go with love. It's over, time cannot be turned back. His death is a call to be empathetic and sensitive to all people. You never know the pain going on inside the smiling person next to you no matter what front they may put on. Lots of people are like that although only a small percentage translate the pain into suicide.

 

Be gentle to people and they will be gentle to you. But the world is not so cruel as it can be sometimes interpreted but it is more cruel if your perspective is inclined to paint it that way. What could have been a lifetime of joy and constructive contribution has been cut short by a lack of insight, poor coping mechanisms, and a world that is rather indifferent to how people feel. No matter how bad things are, they always get better. If they don't, I suppose suicide can be a last resort albeit a poor one.

 

No matter what the problem, there are always alternatives such as bankruptcy; surgery; healing and meeting other partners; moving; taking the semester over again, etc. Some people just don't consider the options. Ending it all seems such a quick and easy solution to problems that appear much more complex than they really are. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to talk to this young man before he decided to take his life. Right now, he's probably sorry he did it. Hopefully, he'll be back for another crack at it...life that is.

[Darkangelism]

unexpected death is tough to deal with, my friend died of an overdose two months ago, and two weeks ago this kid at my school killed himself. It was hard to deal with at first, but after the first month it gets easier. Just remember the good memories of your friend, and cry if you need to.

[meanon]

It's important that you express what you are feeling, rather than trying to bottle it up. I lost a very close friend (cancer) and have still not come to terms with it because I find it too distressing. This works in the short term but it floors you when you least expect it. I know I have not dealt with it well. Many societies have defined, lengthy grieving rituals which help people confront and deal with their feelings. So my advice to you is to seek friends who knew this person, talk to them about how you are feeling, celebrate the life as well as dealing with the death.

 

The "apparent" must be hard to deal with - is there an element of doubt? For many people, when their coping resources are exceeded the result is illness or suicide. It is simply a failure to see any other way out of an intolerable situation. Of course there are always other ways but the psychological state preceding suicide means that this is not recognised. If you knew them well you may have feelings of anger and guilt, that's normal. I hope you get past any of these negative reactions you may feel and are able to recall the good times you shared with pleasure and regret.