Year relationship

[Gillian]

Dear All,

 

This is my first time here and I was wondering if someone could give me some advice.

 

I have been dating a guy for over a year. I was the first one to say the three little words. He, on the other hand waited a while before he said them.

 

I am 100% in love with him. But now he is doing the 'SPACE' thing. He is wanting to date other women as he says he wants 'VARIETY' in his life. He has agreed that he will not sleep with them - isn't that 'BIG' of him!

 

I see him maybe, twice a week now.....it used to be more than that in the past.....

 

He has told his friends that we are no longer an 'ITEM' but lastnight for instance he referred himself as my 'BOYFRIEND'. I am so confused. He wants space, that's fine. He tells me that he is attracted to me, cares for me, will do almost anything for me but wants to date other people AND not breakup with me.

 

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

[Tony T]

In my opinion, he does love you and he does care for you. However, there is something somewhere inside each of us that tells us we are ready for a long term committment. Whatever that is, it's telling him he needs to move about. In some cases, people use the space thing as a coward's reason for breaking up. I don't think that's the case here.

 

If you are looking for more of a sold committment from him, you won't get it now. As for his dating around, I don't feel great about that because that will confuse him and perhaps somewhere along the line, the newness of something could get the best of him.

 

I think it's going to take a while for him before he is ready to be truly tied down. However, there are some things you can do to move things along more quickly.

 

Men want a challenge. When we see someone many times a week and they are totally available to us, after a while there is just no spark because men (and women too) want what they can't have. So that's what you've got to be. Beat him at his own game.

 

1. Start seeing other guys.

 

2. Don't return his phone calls right away. When you talk to him on the phone, vary the length..from a minute or two...to NEVER more than 20 minutes. Always be first to end the conversation but don't be rude...be very friendly and nice, let him know it's been really wonderful talking to him, and you have to go..Good Bye. You have to always leave him wanting more.

 

Hollywood celebrities of large stature learn this early on. No matter how great they are, they can die of overexposure. The true biggies rarely do interviews, talk shows, etc. They always leave their audiences wanting MORE.

 

3. When you talk to him, be very vague about what you've been doing and, beyond telling him you've gone out, don't give him any details and don't ask him for details about the people he's gone out with. Change the subject. Make small talk. Don't act like you are concerned at all about your relationship with him. THIS WILL DRIVE HIM UP AN EVERLOVIN' WALL!!!!

 

4. Don't send him Email, messages, cards, etc. unless it is his birthday or Christmas. Don't call him at all. Only return his phone calls...but not right away. Sometimes, much later in the day...and sometimes, a day or two later.

 

5. Don't talk about your dating activities with anyone that will pass the information on to him. This will look real phoney to him. You have to KEEP HIM GUESSING. Again, this will drive him CRAZY!!! You have to follow my directions to a T or you will be dead in the water.

 

6. If you see him, be cordial but a little stand offish. Don't be as romantic as before but be very nice and kind. Have fun. But don't let him think for a minute that he can date other people and then come to you and get whatever he wants in the romance department, THAT IS NOT THE WAY IT WORKS!!!

 

7. Sometimes, when he asks you out, tell him you can't see him because you have other plans...then MAKE OTHER PLANS. Don't make him the central part of your life anymore because he's not doing that with you.

 

BE A CHALLANGE IN EVERY WAY but do it in such a natural way that he doesn't realize what you are doing. Be innocent about it. That will drive him totally NUTS!!!

 

I usually sell the above advice for $1 million but, today only, it's absolutely free. And it comes with a double your money back guarantee...because it works. The only stipulation is that you follow the advice. Don't give in to him and take charge of the situation. Reverse the whole thing so YOU will be in total control...NOT him.

 

Don't let this guy jerk you around. If anybody's going to be jerking around, it's going to be YOU. GOT IT????????

[Gillian]

Tony,

 

Easier said than done. The advice is perfect, but I can not look at another guy. I am 100% in love with my 'BOYFRIEND'.

 

I think about him and cry over him everyday. I can barely eat and sleep. He does his own thing with no problem. It seems that he really doesn't care but I know he does as he tells me that he hates seeing me upset.

 

He is the type of guy that can keep sexual relationships/feelings separate from casual dating relationships.

 

At times he says one thing then he says the total opposite. For Example he said a few months back that we should totally break up and then a few moments later he was saying that he didn't want to break up but see slightly less of each other but remain 'TOGETHER'.

 

He confuses me......I thought women were supposed to be difficult!!

[Tony T]

I'm really sorry but you're going to have to get yourself together and get strong here!!! There's a good called "Love Must Be Tough" Buy it.

 

I want you to know I'm on your side. And I know exactly how you feel...I have been there myself. I only wish I had someone to give me as good of advice as I am giving you. Come to think of it, I did have a few but I was too lovesick to take it...and I LOST.

 

You simply don't understand this love stuff. If you don't stand up for yourself, love will pulverize you and chop your heart in a thousand pieces. I know you love this guy and want to believe him. Your closest girlfriend couldn't convince you he is a jerk. He is keeping you JUST WHERE HE WANTS YOU while he sees other women. I get mad and nauseated over that. It seems no matter what he does, you will be upset but you will accept it, love him to death and just sit around waiting for him to date you exclusively again someday.

 

So what was the reason for your post? There is not a thing you are going to do except hang out and accept his total disregard for your feelings and disrespect for you personally. I just don't see how your acceptance of this behaviour without some kind of reaction is going to strengthen your relationship. He will control you until your dying days. This is ssssoooooooo bad, I can't tell you. If you let this go on, he will eventually make a total fool out of you and I don't want that to happen.

 

If he marries another lady one day, will he rent you a room in their home so he can remain close to you?

[artlover]

I agree with Tony. This is a BAD situation. I know it's hard, but you must face the fact that your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that you're NOT the #1 priority in his life right now. So there's no reason you should make him yours. If you don't have the energy to play games with your boyfriend (Tony's advice, though it works in 99 percent of the cases, is essentially about game playing) then you maybe need to consider letting him go for real. Just tell him you want to take a break from him and mean it. Spend time with friends and developing other interests. If you two are meant to be, he will come back to you. But you have to give him all the space he has asked for either artifically or for real. Just my opinion...

I'm really sorry but you're going to have to get yourself together and get strong here!!! There's a good called "Love Must Be Tough" Buy it. I want you to know I'm on your side. And I know exactly how you feel...I have been there myself. I only wish I had someone to give me as good of advice as I am giving you. Come to think of it, I did have a few but I was too lovesick to take it...and I LOST. You simply don't understand this love stuff. If you don't stand up for yourself, love will pulverize you and chop your heart in a thousand pieces. I know you love this guy and want to believe him. Your closest girlfriend couldn't convince you he is a jerk. He is keeping you JUST WHERE HE WANTS YOU while he sees other women. I get mad and nauseated over that. It seems no matter what he does, you will be upset but you will accept it, love him to death and just sit around waiting for him to date you exclusively again someday.

 

So what was the reason for your post? There is not a thing you are going to do except hang out and accept his total disregard for your feelings and disrespect for you personally. I just don't see how your acceptance of this behaviour without some kind of reaction is going to strengthen your relationship. He will control you until your dying days. This is ssssoooooooo bad, I can't tell you. If you let this go on, he will eventually make a total fool out of you and I don't want that to happen. If he marries another lady one day, will he rent you a room in their home so he can remain close to you?

[suzanne]

ya know what i do to my boyfriend when he gets mad at me and says i don't want to talk to you right now, i'll talk to ya later? i tell him he will talk to me later if only i am ready and wanting to talk to him later! if he thinks for one moment that i will sit and wait until he is ready to talk to me he has another thing coming. since i started telling him that he doesn't say it as much, only when he is really mad, like when i nag him to death about something. take the advice you get here. why sit around an cry, he isn't, he is out having fun while you sit home and cry and mope and have a pity party for yourself. piss on him. what a jerk to even ask or expect that of you. tell him you don't want to see anymore until he has gotten this "space" thing out of his system and when he is done if you are still available you will maybe be willing to give

 

it another try, "maybe!" good luck.........

I agree with Tony. This is a BAD situation. I know it's hard, but you must face the fact that your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that you're NOT the #1 priority in his life right now. So there's no reason you should make him yours. If you don't have the energy to play games with your boyfriend (Tony's advice, though it works in 99 percent of the cases, is essentially about game playing) then you maybe need to consider letting him go for real. Just tell him you want to take a break from him and mean it. Spend time with friends and developing other interests. If you two are meant to be, he will come back to you. But you have to give him all the space he has asked for either artifically or for real. Just my opinion...