What is it that I don't get?

[jennie-jennie]

I might add that when a MM knows the OW will tell the W if he ever breaks up with OW, that's some serious motivation to keep things good.

 

We have, as we usually do, talked things through, and my MM knows that I have come to the conclusion that I will never tell his wife. The reason being that I do not see it fit for me to hurt the one person he is trying to protect by not telling her. If she is to know, it is up to him.

[Fieldsofgold]

We have, as we usually do, talked things through, and my MM knows that I have come to the conclusion that I will never tell his wife. The reason being that I do not see it fit for me to hurt the one person he is trying to protect by not telling her. If she is to know, it is up to him.

 

Actually, I was talking about the MM I inadvertently dated. It turned out he stayed with the OW longer than he might have otherwise, because of the damage he was afraid she might inflict. And when she found out about me, she did her best to inflict damage on all of us.

[maravilla]

That must be what my MM's wife is doing. His cell phone is full of nude pictures of me, IMing with me, emailing with me. He doesn't delete anything. His cell phone is available to her daily, yet she refuses to look at what is right in front of her eyes.

 

His "business" trips are becoming more and more frequent and longer for each time. He "has" to leave early to get a better price on the flight. And yet there is never any financial beneficial outcome of any of these trips.

 

Their sex life is non existent. Their intimacy is non existent.

 

My MM's wife is very different from me. I look things straight in the eye and then I decide what I think about them, what my gut feeling is. She puts blinders on. I guess she might think that at least he is with her now. If she looked too close, she might indeed open the gates to a living hell, better keep those doors closed.

 

Woah... to me this sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. You say she puts blinders on to avoid opening the gates to a living hell, yet you research mental conditions your MM must have to justify him not leaving this horrible wife of his to be with you. How is that any different? You are okay with sharing him yet you point the finger at her for not finding out?? You know what is going on and chose to stay with him anyway and make a lot of excuses for him, yet she's the bad guy because she doesn't know he's living this double life? Wow. This post just makes me sad.

[OWoman]

All this 'but he said he's leaving, but in 3 months, after his dogs birthday' or whateva....its SO blatantly a bunch of stupid lies, it goes against common sense. The dudes even make themselves sound low value, like theyre dumbazzes for saying such dumb stuff. Its like high school or somethin.

 

Its like looking at snow, knowin its white, him sayin its black, and you believin its black afta that, just cause the dude told you so. I want to ask what is it that I don't get? That has got you all believin such unbelivable stupid stories?

 

Btw no offense meant just genuinly want to know.

 

Actually, it wasn't "a bunch of stupid lies", nor was it "unbelievable stupid stories". We discussed being together, drew up plans and agreed timelines. When he said he would leave once he found a suitable place for him and the kids, it was just that - he found a suitable place, and left.

 

Like you, his fBW didn't believe him when he said he'd be leaving once he found a suitable place. She also thought it was "a bunch of stupid lies" and "unbelievable stupid stories". She found out to her cost that he was a man o his word. I knew he was, so no nasty shock for me.

 

So you see, some MMs do keep their word. And, because some do, other OWs are left hoping that their MM will be one of those... and not knowing until it happens (or not) whether or not their faith was justified.

 

Nothing "stupid" in that - aside from the prejudice with which some people choose to look at it.

[Lauriebell82]

We have, as we usually do, talked things through, and my MM knows that I have come to the conclusion that I will never tell his wife. The reason being that I do not see it fit for me to hurt the one person he is trying to protect by not telling her. If she is to know, it is up to him.

 

You think you aren't hurting her just by being her husband's OW? Come on now. Every minute he spends with you is a minute taken away from her. You are causing her more pain just being the OW, then you ever would telling her the truth. The reason is that she believes her husband is a good man, when in reality he is a lying adulterer.

 

And he is trying to protect her? If he was really trying to protect her he wouldn't be cheating on her! Wow, that's quite a rationalization you have there, but understandable, as that is the only way you can be with MM without feeling shame and guilt over it.

[Lauriebell82]

Actually, it wasn't "a bunch of stupid lies", nor was it "unbelievable stupid stories". We discussed being together, drew up plans and agreed timelines. When he said he would leave once he found a suitable place for him and the kids, it was just that - he found a suitable place, and left.

 

Like you, his fBW didn't believe him when he said he'd be leaving once he found a suitable place. She also thought it was "a bunch of stupid lies" and "unbelievable stupid stories". She found out to her cost that he was a man o his word. I knew he was, so no nasty shock for me.

 

So you see, some MMs do keep their word. And, because some do, other OWs are left hoping that their MM will be one of those... and not knowing until it happens (or not) whether or not their faith was justified.

 

Nothing "stupid" in that - aside from the prejudice with which some people choose to look at it.

 

He betrayed his wife, hurt his family, deserted them for you..and you think this is a GOOD thing?

[pureinheart]

Oh, so she should just "know better" then? And you DON'T know their sex life is non-existent...you aren't there. You sound very self righteous, like you think you are better then MM's wife, like she deserves the pain you are causing her. I can understand why you are thinking this way, it gives you a reason to keep behaving the way you are and not have to feel guilt or shame.

 

Maybe she doesn't put blinders on, maybe she is just too scared to look..

 

Having been a BS, Bgf, B-everything, it doesnot take a rocket scientist to figure various behaviors out...(bold) BINGO.

 

LB, I can tell you that you are wrong concerning your assessment of Jennie.

 

In a nutshell, MM's M is over and he stays for some extensive reasons of which you cannot communicate quickly in one reply.

[jennie-jennie]

Woah... to me this sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. You say she puts blinders on to avoid opening the gates to a living hell, yet you research mental conditions your MM must have to justify him not leaving this horrible wife of his to be with you. How is that any different? You are okay with sharing him yet you point the finger at her for not finding out?? You know what is going on and chose to stay with him anyway and make a lot of excuses for him, yet she's the bad guy because she doesn't know he's living this double life? Wow. This post just makes me sad.

 

Your post makes me sad, because you have twisted things I have said beyond recognition.

 

My MM's wife is a nice person. I never stated anything else, neither did my MM.

 

I have not researched mental conditions, and I do not make excuses, I have researched psychological explanations of why people have an affair by professionals held high among their peers.

 

I do not share my MM romantically or sexually. In those aspects he is only mine.

[Lauriebell82]

 

In a nutshell, MM's M is over and he stays for some extensive reasons of which you cannot communicate quickly in one reply.

 

Yeah, I get that. I guess I'm old fashioned in the fact that a marriage being over=Divorce papers. I realize it's not always that simple, HOWEVER I am never going to agree that their is any kind of justifiable reason to have an A. Maybe that's why I have a different assessment of Jeanie. She believes there is.

[jennie-jennie]

You think you aren't hurting her just by being her husband's OW? Come on now. Every minute he spends with you is a minute taken away from her. You are causing her more pain just being the OW, then you ever would telling her the truth. The reason is that she believes her husband is a good man, when in reality he is a lying adulterer.

 

And he is trying to protect her? If he was really trying to protect her he wouldn't be cheating on her! Wow, that's quite a rationalization you have there, but understandable, as that is the only way you can be with MM without feeling shame and guilt over it.

 

The bolded might be true for you if you were to be able to have an affair, but please don't transfer that to me. I love my MM, he loves me, that is all I need to not feel shame or guilt over our relationship.

 

I never agreed with my MM's choice not to tell his wife, but despite of that I can empathize with his thinking. I wouldn't not tell his wife to protect her, but to respect my MM's wish not to hurt her. That she is hurt just by him being unfaithful is another issue.

 

She is a nobody in my world. I don't know her. But my MM is precious to me, and since he cares for her I will respect his wish and not tell her.

[pureinheart]

Woah... to me this sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. You say she puts blinders on to avoid opening the gates to a living hell, yet you research mental conditions your MM must have to justify him not leaving this horrible wife of his to be with you. How is that any different? You are okay with sharing him yet you point the finger at her for not finding out?? You know what is going on and chose to stay with him anyway and make a lot of excuses for him, yet she's the bad guy because she doesn't know he's living this double life? Wow. This post just makes me sad.

 

Hi Mara,

 

No, Jennie has never said an unkind word about MM's W.

 

I think I can speak for most...if not then correct me:)...saying that the W must/might know is in no way belittling them, the words/statement is meant that they have knowledge of the A and are reamining silent for whatever reason.

 

For me, after I caught wind of my H's A's, I simply wasn't ready mentally nor/or financially (each case was different). I waited for a time that worked for me to deal with things.

 

I know a dead M when I see one...Jennies MM's M is dead, it's only a matter of time.

 

I was never caught by complete surprise concerning A's...one ex though did catch me a bit off guard. He was spending a lot of time at his friends house...so I knew he was leaving...he left.

 

I agonised about the D issue and wanted to start dating again, but wanted to be right by God in that area. I was broke and the MFer wiped out out bank account...I was destitude. I kept working my little job at Walmart, and poof..just like that, I got called back to my old job (that is a miracle in itself how that came down), making obscene amounts of money and met a drop dead gorgeous guy (who carries my beliefs and still won't leave me alone and wants to get M), got a massive inheritance (it had been in the courts for a time)....AND to top it off I get a letter from the friend of my H telling me that he had been screwing around with his W (that is why my H spent so much time over there) which gave me grounds for D by God....

 

A new life opened up for me from a bad situation....

 

If you read Jennies story Mara, I know you would feel differently.

[jennie-jennie]

Yup. I never look at my man's phone. He gives me no reason to. Of course, if he's never gone at odd hours and only unavailable to me when he's on a business trip twice a year or so, I wouldn't suspect anything at all. For all I know, he could be seeing a prostitute on a business trip, but how could I ever know that either? I would only suspect something if things were becoming strange on the homefront. If he had an OW in some other country, I'm sure I would NEVER feel the need to wonder what was up since the contact between them would be VERY rare indeed.

 

I presume your husband is not having an affair then, not even a long distance one. In the case of my MM's wife, it wasn't long ago since she asked her husband (again) if he had another woman since there are enough tell-tale signs even with a long distance extramarital relationship, especially when you spend the amount of time we spend together.

[jennie-jennie]

Yeah, I get that. I guess I'm old fashioned in the fact that a marriage being over=Divorce papers. I realize it's not always that simple, HOWEVER I am never going to agree that their is any kind of justifiable reason to have an A. Maybe that's why I have a different assessment of Jeanie. She believes there is.

 

Pure knows me inside and out. She has never stated anything incorrect about me. Listen to her, if you need an assessment of me.

 

And the name is Jennie.

[pureinheart]

Yeah, I get that. I guess I'm old fashioned in the fact that a marriage being over=Divorce papers. I realize it's not always that simple, HOWEVER I am never going to agree that their is any kind of justifiable reason to have an A. Maybe that's why I have a different assessment of Jeanie. She believes there is.

 

I would say this is because you have been hurt deeply in this area?

 

I find that areas of hurt become the most horrible things us and others could do. Injustices are many.

 

My fiance was murdered by his cousin because the cousins wife was an exgf of my fiance and was unable to handle me having him. She proceded to arrange my fiance's murder. This was in a backwards town in Louisianna ...we were hated in that town because we had other races as really good friends...I will always wonder if that is why they were so willing to murder him. I see backward and twisted thinking and I become hypersensitive, so I understand deep hurts trigger various responses.

 

Of course your first sentance is the best, not that D is the best per se, although people marry for all of the wrong reasons at times.

 

Hang in there LB:)

[Lauriebell82]

I would say this is because you have been hurt deeply in this area?

 

I find that areas of hurt become the most horrible things us and others could do. Injustices are many.

 

My fiance was murdered by his cousin because the cousins wife was an exgf of my fiance and was unable to handle me having him. She proceded to arrange my fiance's murder. This was in a backwards town in Louisianna ...we were hated in that town because we had other races as really good friends...I will always wonder if that is why they were so willing to murder him. I see backward and twisted thinking and I become hypersensitive, so I understand deep hurts trigger various responses.

 

Of course your first sentance is the best, not that D is the best per se, although people marry for all of the wrong reasons at times.

 

Hang in there LB:)

 

Actually I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I have been lied to and hurt. My ex boyfriend put me through the ringer, but nothing that he could have done to me would have made me turn to someone else for comfort. NEVER. It wouldn't have the helped the situation at all. Instead, I had the courage to pick myself up and leave..doing that helped me work through my problems with self esteem and my eating disorder. It has made me very proud, so maybe that's why I am so strongly against A..they are the cowardly way out.

[jennie-jennie]

Actually I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I have been lied to and hurt. My ex boyfriend put me through the ringer, but nothing that he could have done to me would have made me turn to someone else for comfort. NEVER. It wouldn't have the helped the situation at all. Instead, I had the courage to pick myself up and leave..doing that helped me work through my problems with self esteem and my eating disorder. It has made me very proud, so maybe that's why I am so strongly against A..they are the cowardly way out.

 

See that's where I think you are wrong. People are different. For you having an affair may be the cowardly way out. For someone else it may be daring to not always be the good guy.

[BB07]

It's all about perspective. You can make your own hell just by choosing how you look at things.

 

And.........you can choose to look at things realistically and through clear eyes.

[jennie-jennie]

And.........you can choose to look at things realistically and through clear eyes.

 

That is my choice... always.

[BB07]

I really think this is what keeps a lot of OW accepting disrespectful and

unloving relationships. They maximize the shred of "good" in

the relationship and turn a blind eye to the bad - or reinterpret the bad to something more palatable.

 

I think that is how they are able to settle for less, and at least for a while, feel good about it.

 

Great post.........and you know how it's always said that MM lie, well they do, but OW lie to themselves to.

 

I sometimes think the bigger crime is the lies we tell ourselves in order to tolerate what should be intolerable.

[jennie-jennie]

It's difficult to do that - when you don't want to.

 

I wouldn't know. Never been there.

[Fieldsofgold]

Great post.........and you know how it's always said that MM lie, well they do, but OW lie to themselves to.

 

I sometimes think the bigger crime is the lies we tell ourselves in order to tolerate what should be intolerable.

 

BB, I think that just may be the post of the month!

 

Well, and I might add, sometimes people on these forums lie to us, the readers/fellow posters, too.

[Lauriebell82]

Great post.........and you know how it's always said that MM lie, well they do, but OW lie to themselves to.

 

I sometimes think the bigger crime is the lies we tell ourselves in order to tolerate what should be intolerable.

 

Yep, agreed. OW rationalize their relationship and convince themselves that what their MM is telling them is the truth. When I was with my ex bf I would always use the excuse that he had a problem with lying and manipulation because he had a bad childhood. I made excuses for him and justified his behavior, just as OW do. I had to in order to continue the relationship.

[fooled once]

 

I know a dead M when I see one...Jennies MM's M is dead, it's only a matter of time.

 

I fail to see how you would know anything about the marriage of a MM who a poster is the mistress of?? Seriously, do you know about my former AP's marriage too? For that matter do you know about my current marriage? No, you only know what is said by anonymous people on a message board. I would hope you would not make these kinds of "factual" statements when in reality, unless you are the MM's wife, you have no FACTS on the situation - just ASSumptions.

 

Great post.........and you know how it's always said that MM lie, well they do, but OW lie to themselves to.

 

I sometimes think the bigger crime is the lies we tell ourselves in order to tolerate what should be intolerable.

 

Great post BB. GREAT Post!

[jthorne]

Gosh, if the M is dead, he should be should be leaving any day now!

Thats great news!

[jthorne]

Whoops dupe post sorry!

Edited November 18, 2010 by jthorne