What is it that I don't get?

[pureinheart]

Actually I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge) but I have been lied to and hurt. My ex boyfriend put me through the ringer, but nothing that he could have done to me would have made me turn to someone else for comfort. NEVER. It wouldn't have the helped the situation at all. Instead, I had the courage to pick myself up and leave..doing that helped me work through my problems with self esteem and my eating disorder. It has made me very proud, so maybe that's why I am so strongly against A..they are the cowardly way out.

 

I am so sorry about what your exbf did, although much good came out of it! Glad to hear you worked through those things...way cool!

 

Everyone is different and I was cheated on a lot, although given the things I went through from day one of my life, cheating was like not as big of a deal.

 

Maybe we are all cowards at certain points in our lives...and please forgive me if I sound like I minimise cheating, I don't, it's just not as big of a deal "to me"...the sexual molestation by a neighbor at the age of 8 or 9, then again by my stepfather at 15 (attempted) and then my friends murdered, dying left and right. This led to major drug use and the people I dealt with played for keeps...very hard core...soooooo I bet its easy to see why cheating has been at the bottom of my list.

[pureinheart]

I fail to see how you would know anything about the marriage of a MM who a poster is the mistress of?? Seriously, do you know about my former AP's marriage too? For that matter do you know about my current marriage? No, you only know what is said by anonymous people on a message board. I would hope you would not make these kinds of "factual" statements when in reality, unless you are the MM's wife, you have no FACTS on the situation - just ASSumptions.

 

 

 

 

I fail to see how you can say I don't know...please place me on ignore as these types of replies creep me out.

[Fieldsofgold]

I fail to see how you would know anything about the marriage of a MM who a poster is the mistress of?? Seriously, do you know about my former AP's marriage too? For that matter do you know about my current marriage? No, you only know what is said by anonymous people on a message board. I would hope you would not make these kinds of "factual" statements when in reality, unless you are the MM's wife, you have no FACTS on the situation - just ASSumptions.

 

 

 

Great post BB. GREAT Post!

 

I completely understand what you're saying here. I have posted here enough that those who read a lot probably have a general idea of who I am, some knowledge of my life and my history. Or you think you do.

 

I could be 30, white, a child of wealth and priviledge, never divorced, happily married to a wonderful man, and insinuating myself into the LS community to get material for a romance novel i want to write.

 

Or I could be 40, a native of Greece, never married, a man, a sociologist, and here doing research.

 

I could be here, posting under six different identities!

 

Or after posting loud and long against affairs, I could have found myself "fallen into" one. Ya think I'd ever admit it here? Most likely not.

 

Or if I'm an OW or BW who has bragged about how much my MM or fWH loves me - and then he dumps me and leaves me cold - I think there's a good possibility I might not tell that here.

 

Or if I'm an OW who married my MM, and I've bragged about it on this board, and stirred controversy by doing so, and then I discover that my H is in fact having an affair, or if my M takes a turn for the worse and I am miserable and regret the marriage, I am not likely to come here and post that. (before anyone reports me, let me make perfectly clear that I'm not talking about anyone - just a random what-if.)

 

Then throw in the MM in the A equation. If I had posted what I totally believed to be the truth about my beloved BF before our D-Day, I would have said what a wonderful man he was, how he was totally in love with me, what a devout man he was, etc., etc., because I did not yet know the truth about him - I only knew what he told me. If he had not lived nearby, and been known by kids who knew "my" kids, I might STILL not know that I was actually the OOW!

 

The point being that MM, especially long-distance MM, are reasonably more likely to be able to get by with deceiving both the BS and the OW, if they so choose. So as has been said many, many times, what an OW or BW thinks she knows, and what the truth is, may be two completely different things.

 

Based on all the possibilities of an anonymous Internet board, and all the deceit that can go on in an affair, you can't make any hard and fast claims or assumptions about a stranger's long-distance MM's marriage. Or really anythig else you read here. So to be arguing about whether someone's long-distance MM's marriage is dead is really just futile, IMHO.

 

As has been said on LS many times: No one but the MM knows. So let's not spazz out over these things, and keep an open mind to the possibilities.

[thomasb]

Based on all the possibilities of an anonymous Internet board, and all the deceit that can go on in an affair, you can't make any hard and fast claims or assumptions about a stranger's long-distance MM's marriage. Or really anythig else you read here. So to be arguing about whether someone's long-distance MM's marriage is dead is really just futile, IMHO.

 

As has been said on LS many times: No one but the MM knows. So let's not spazz out over these things, and keep an open mind to the possibilities.

 

 

You are very right. As I have always said. The OP cannot know what goes on in a marriage. They are not sleeping between the husband and wife. And it stands to reason this is even more true with a long distance affair.

[Silly_Girl]

Should we believe anything at all that's ever posted on LS, then? I get confused. Some who make assumptions say we shouldn't make assumptions. Some who offer great advice say we can't believe what posters say. Some posters state facts about their situation then later change those facts. Is it all just so entirely selective and subjective as to be worthless? Hope not.

[jennie-jennie]

Should we believe anything at all that's ever posted on LS, then? I get confused. Some who make assumptions say we shouldn't make assumptions. Some who offer great advice say we can't believe what posters say. Some posters state facts about their situation then later change those facts. Is it all just so entirely selective and subjective as to be worthless? Hope not.

 

We might also need to reflect about the posting climate on LS if we, as FOG said above, do not expect posters to dare to post here if their situation has turned to the worse. I have seen this happen many times, where OW have had contact with me outside the forum and told the truth about what is happening in their relationship. They did not dare to post it on LS.

[Silly_Girl]

It's one thing to choose to believe it. It's quite another to state it as a fact - something you've say you've seen even - when you are merely repeating what was told to you by someone else about a situation that person thinks they know but who actually lives hundreds if not thousands of miles away from said situation. In that circumstance, isn't it normal to question this purported knowledge?

 

But when does the questioning stop? There are posts that don't ring true for me and rather than wrestle with them, I simply move on. But that's often not what happens. Instead, it feels like other explanations are offered, another person's truth is suggested as being a more accurate version than the one we've seen originally, so are we then just compounding the issue?

[thomasb]

Another possibility is the tweaking of stories to cause confusion about having your identity discovered. A very real and scary thing on the net these days.

[Silly_Girl]

I know, but I don't think it's "another person's truth" so much as a "possible scenario" being offered. AND when those possibilities are offered, people get called names and the possible scenarios are dismissed out of hand, and with much venom I might add. And I understand a person involved in a certain situation needing to feel they KNOW the situation, even if there is no way they can know for certain. But there doesn't have to be all this anger, does there?

 

Good points you make. But sometimes people do offer their truths and overlay them on the OP's, and it's not just a possible scenario. I think that's when the advice/support aspect gets not only lost, but totally trashed.

[jennie-jennie]

I'd also add that people who do NOT post of the demise of their A are doing so to avoid the "I told you so's." And I would HOPE no one would actually SAY "I told you so." BUT - these people do a great disservice to ANYONE involved in an A and thinking it's going to work out in the end. Yes, a few (VERY few) do, but the majority do not. I think it would be a kindness to potential AP's to provide all the info you know about the reality of getting involved with a MW/MM.

 

I for one know that exposing details of your extramarital relationship on LS leaves you open to have these details continuously used against you in the discussions. Just look at this thread, where the long distance aspect of my relationship is continuously brought up, my MM having many kids was also brought up here by posters, and my MM's one time relapse of having sex with his wife in the last 18 months is yet another favorite.

 

My MM and I spend a tremendous amount of time together. We spend much more time talking than any regular married couple.

 

We knew each other as young. We have been together for five years now. I trusted him then and I trust him now. He has never told me anything but the truth.

 

One thing is for sure, and that is I have much more knowledge about my MM and his marriage than I can ever share on LS, and thus my knowledge transcends that of other LS posters on this matter. Please respect that.

[Silly_Girl]

I think everyone should respect everyone's right to have an opinion and to express it.

 

For me personally, that statement needs to be qualified.

 

Just my opinion!

[Silly_Girl]

I think everyone should respect everyone's right to have an opinion and to express it in a respectful manner.

 

How's that?

 

That'll do nicely

[WTFBBQ]

My MM and I spend a tremendous amount of time together.

Do you guys teleport from his country to yours?

[jennie-jennie]

Do you guys teleport from his country to yours?

 

This is the danger of sharing supposed details of other posters' relationships. I have never stated that my MM and I live in different countries, just that we are long distance. Anything else is an LS myth.

[WTFBBQ]

Do you guys teleport long distance to spend a tremendous amount of time together?

[jennie-jennie]

Do you guys teleport long distance to spend a tremendous amount of time together?

 

Luckily there are means of transportation available to us.

[Lauriebell82]

I for one know that exposing details of your extramarital relationship on LS leaves you open to have these details continuously used against you in the discussions. Just look at this thread, where the long distance aspect of my relationship is continuously brought up, my MM having many kids was also brought up here by posters, and my MM's one time relapse of having sex with his wife in the last 18 months is yet another favorite.

 

My MM and I spend a tremendous amount of time together. We spend much more time talking than any regular married couple.

 

We knew each other as young. We have been together for five years now. I trusted him then and I trust him now. He has never told me anything but the truth.

 

One thing is for sure, and that is I have much more knowledge about my MM and his marriage than I can ever share on LS, and thus my knowledge transcends that of other LS posters on this matter. Please respect that.

 

Right, but when you post details of your relationship on LS, they are there forever for all to see. It's pretty obvious you are very proud of being with your MM. I do not agree or condone what you are doing, however that is my own personal belief system, as do many other's on LS that feel that way. So when you DO post about your A (or anyone else for that matter) you leave yourself open for those members to post who do think cheating is immoral and those who think being with a MM is the greatest thing in the world.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that disclose at your own risk. When you post about your A, people are going to disagree with you and say that they feel it's wrong.

[jennie-jennie]

Right, but when you post details of your relationship on LS, they are there forever for all to see. It's pretty obvious you are very proud of being with your MM. I do not agree or condone what you are doing, however that is my own personal belief system, as do many other's on LS that feel that way. So when you DO post about your A (or anyone else for that matter) you leave yourself open for those members to post who do think cheating is immoral and those who think being with a MM is the greatest thing in the world.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that disclose at your own risk. When you post about your A, people are going to disagree with you and say that they feel it's wrong.

 

A reminder from LS' guidelines:

 

We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread. Past disagreements should not be resurrected in new threads. It is important that criticism be directed at what is stated in a post ("I don't like your idea") rather than at the individual making the statement ("I don't like you").

 

I have problem following your lines of thought concerning me. You say "It's pretty obvious you are very proud of being with your MM." I see my relationship with my MM like any other long term relationship I have ever had. I am as proud of our relationship as I have been of any other relationship I have ever had. To me him being married is a nuisance, nothing more, nothing to be proud or ashamed of, it just is.

 

I would be grateful if you refrained to state as fact your opinions of me. I am from a different country than you are, a different culture, a different background. I am of a different age and have had very different experiences than you. I believe you have trouble understanding someone like me.

[fooled once]

Good points you make. But sometimes people do offer their truths and overlay them on the OP's, and it's not just a possible scenario. I think that's when the advice/support aspect gets not only lost, but totally trashed.

 

My point was NO ONE except the two people IN the marriage know the state of the marriage. For someone who isn't even the OW/OM to state they know the state of someone else's marriage is ridiculous - IN MY OPINION.

 

it would be great if people didn't resurrect old posts into current threads I think I need to bookmark the guidelines so that when posters continue to do this, I can ensure that the moderators see when this happens.

 

BACK TO THE TOPIC OF THE THREAD........

 

Phillyfan - not sure if you got the answer to your question but my view is that people involved in affairs don't necessarily see the "bad side' of their affair partner. They are usually too caught up in the sex, the mystery, the excitement of sneaking around to see the cheater for what they are. They believe the stories they are told. It is usually not until after the affair ended that people take off the rose colored glasses.

[Silly_Girl]

FO - I'm confused. You've quoted me but I wasn't replying to you or any part of a point you'd made in any way whatsoever, and your subsequent point also wasn't in response to anything I'd posted either and was a completely separate assertion. It's the middle of my night so maybe I've got muddled,

[phillyfan]

People overcomplicate things on here:

 

The married guy thinks:

I have a wife I dont want anotha. But I want an affair for the fun/excitement/sex/whatever. 5 months lata, shheeet, this girl is way too into me, throw her a few lines and treat her bad until she's tired of waitin and goes away, else my wife will find out. 5 months lata, had to dump that girl shes crazee she wouldnt leave me alone.

 

The woman thinks:

I am in love with this dude, just anotha 5 months or somethin then he will stop lyin and make good on his promises, in the meantime Ill wait and get upset everytime he breaks promises but hey its worth it. Another 5 months - OMG he dumped me, he mustv been lyin all along, how can he be so cold etc.

 

Seriously dudes weve all made mistakes, messin with married dudes thats a mistake, go find a nice single guy like me LOL.

[myname]

People overcomplicate things on here:

 

The married guy thinks:

I have a wife I dont want anotha. But I want an affair for the fun/excitement/sex/whatever. 5 months lata, shheeet, this girl is way too into me, throw her a few lines and treat her bad until she's tired of waitin and goes away, else my wife will find out. 5 months lata, had to dump that girl shes crazee she wouldnt leave me alone.

 

The woman thinks:

I am in love with this dude, just anotha 5 months or somethin then he will stop lyin and make good on his promises, in the meantime Ill wait and get upset everytime he breaks promises but hey its worth it. Another 5 months - OMG he dumped me, he mustv been lyin all along, how can he be so cold etc.

 

Seriously dudes weve all made mistakes, messin with married dudes thats a mistake, go find a nice single guy like me LOL.

 

hmm, maybe MM is looking like a better option all of a sudden!!

[phillyfan]

Hehe touche, MyName you smart azz, haha :D

[hoping2heal]

I think everyone wether it be an OW or an OM, wants to believe their story is different. That their relationship is the exception to the rule. More often than not, they are no exception. Although it does happen, I am sure it takes a lot of rationalizing to know your happiness came at the cost of someone else's marriage. That's not to say all betrayed spouse's are innocent little angels, they are not. In many cases, they too made mistakes that led to the isolation of their partners and the absolution of their marriage.

 

That does not make turning to an affair right, but it happens. People have this belief that if you love someone you do not cheat on them. I'm not entirely sure I believe that, I don't think wether you will cheat or not has anything to do with loving or not loving a person. It is about what is in your personal values. If you have an affair, it is because deep down your values are "okay" with having affairs. While that certainly does not mean all OM or OW are doomed to be cheated on, it certainly greatly increases the risks since they already know out of the gate that partner has crossed the line and affairs are acceptable.

 

Affairs sound to me like a personal hell. In order to get what you want, you have to hurt someone else and I do not just mean a spouse, but there are children in many cases who will also be affected wether they are grown or young. That is in the small percentage of cases that ever actually "get what they want"

 

the other alternative is to spend time sharing a man or woman neither who will fully comitt to you, and what often ends in a lot of hurt between all parties.

 

I have seen how friends can able those who are in affairs to stay in them, too. The one thing about affairs, is that they are very easy to shape and mold in any perspective you want. There are no real lines drawn, so every action can be interpeted to fit the fantasy you want, to play into the storyline you need to believe.

[OWoman]

He betrayed his wife, hurt his family, deserted them for you..and you think this is a GOOD thing?

 

He did not hurt his family, nor did he desert them. His family are closer than ever. In fact, I am repeatedly told by his parentss that they feel that they got their son back (through his dumping his xW and getting together with me), by his siblings that it's nice to have a real brother and not just someone who sends cards once a year, by his kids that it's great to be part of a real famil,y and by him that he feels he's come home.

 

And yes, I do think that's a good thing.