Utterly unable to get over jealousy

[Zale]

Hi, my last few relationships have all had their... issues, and while they ran their course smoothly (or not so smoothly, for a number of reasons), there's always been one constant. Unbeatable jealousy. I just can't deal with it in almost any shape or form. I'd like to blame being a Scorpio, but eh...

 

To give a little info, I'm not what you'd call the possessive type. Well, not outwardly. I've met a beautiful girl who shares not only my interests, but my passions, and we have very similar goals in life. I'm more than capable of stepping back and altering my behaviour to put on a more "affable (read- less jealous)" mask, as I find this is a fairly good way to deal with it in moderation.

 

I'm not an unattractive individual, I'm extremely pleased with my looks and so is she. I have about the perfect weight in my eyes, features I'm quite proud of, and I'm even in the process of growing my hair out a bit (she has a fetish for long blonde hair, think Bradd Pitt's in Troy ), but it's still there. I have no idea where this jealousy is stemming from.

 

Even minor things set me off, she's rather close to a somewhat high-flying friend who works for a company we have a shared interest through, and even though the guy is married the thought still grates my nerves. And I know it shouldn't, I've weaved this particular topic of affairs and infidelity into conversation more than once, and she's said she could never lower herself to have one. He's not even her "type", and yet, here I am typing this out in annoyance. Grr. I have similar peeves with her male friends, for no good reason. At all.

 

It would be worse, but she has a lot of the same issues (again, we're both Scorpios, go figure ), but this girl is someone I could really envision a future with. I don't want to put it at risk.

 

I'm not expecting professional help here, but I'd love to hear similar stories or recurring issues like this. I know I'm not the only one in the world with this problem but it's not something I'm too comfortable with bringing up irl.

 

Apologies for the text wall!

[NorthBound]

I'm a young man but suggest to be very careful discussing these things with your partner...

 

One thing women can't stand is someone who is not confident in themselves. Even though you might feel this way or don't see a connection, they will. Jealously isn't usually a turn-off and can sometimes spice things up to help reassure each other... Revisiting the same topic or feeling this way about multiple men(she deals with) is absolutely a turn-off.

 

The best thing you can do is stop discussing it altogether. Remember how much you care about her and how lucky you are to have her... Spend the same amount of time that your thinking about this on her and what you can do to remind her how lucky she is. Don't get caught up in emotions and jealously to find out she found someone new because you were busy.

 

Good luck

[rhett89]

I've had similar issues, and I've been with my partner for 15 years. I gotta be honest, there's nothing you said that I cannot relate to in an extremely direct way.

 

I recently read about something called Retroactive Jealousy. I'm not a professional, but what you're experiencing MIGHT be founded in some of the same things that are present in this disorder. Like you, I think of myself as a strong, attractive, decent, productive human being, and the circular thoughts I have about jealousy issues really chew me up inside. They make me feel weak and inadequate and, mostly embarrassed. Reading the definition of Retroactive Jealousy and understanding that it is, possibly, a function in the same vein as other compulsive disorders didn't necessarily make me feel BETTER about dealing with it, but it did make me realize that I am not crazy, and that others do deal with this. Like all disorders, it's likely that I'll need assistance to work through it, and that has given me HOPE, which has provided relief.

 

Google it.

 

Best wishes.

[missmysty]

Us Scorpions never have it good, do we?

Wait, what am I sayin'....okay ... RELATIONSHIP-WISE, we never get the good draw of the cards.

 

I too have the same issues as you, though I doubt our similar astrological sign has anything to do with it (though I've read it's not good for two Scorpions-water signs-to date one another, no offence and don't let that harpen your opinion). Anyway, when the exact samething happens to me when I'm ridiculously jealous of my boyfriend I do one of two things.

 

Scenerio A:

I bring it up with my boyfriend. Oh boy, he does not like that one. It usually ends up in a real big fight, tears, screaming, pleading, threats of leaving one another (though never carried out). and then after we cooldown and forgive ourselves and he ignores my vengeful jealousy wave, we kiss and make-up.

 

Scenerio B:

This way saves me many tears, and many fights with my boyfriend though it is much more pyschologically demanding than the other.

I repeat a tantra in my head, a different one everytime I know I can trust my boyfriend that it's true. I.E. "Fred [my bf] loves me, he loves me and only me. He would never want to leave me. He doesn't want anybody else but me. It's just him and me,"

This tantric thing may work for you, and I hope it does. It really helps me out because eventually I convince all corners of my dark mind that yes, he does love me and only me =)

 

Honestly, this issue really just stems from personal insecurity. I would attempt to confront that within yourself and with the help of your girl, having long conversations about it to release any inner tensions you may not even realize you have. Oh, and couples therapy even if just geared towards insane jealousy does help too, if you have the money to spare just for one session. I promise it works.

[oldguy]

Off the cuff, it sounds like more of an insecurity issue your carrying around than a retro issue. But it's hard to say from what you've written particularly since retro generally has it's roots in insecurity also, just more deep seeded usually.