He slept with someone while we were apart and it still hurts

[Guest]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. We started dating in 2001 and after 9 months he dumped me out of nowhere (in 2002). (A week before we broke up he wrote me an anniversary card that said I meant everything to him and that he hoped "this continues for a long time"...if that explains the feeling that this was out of nowhere.)

 

About a month after we broke up, I ran into him and his new girlfriend at the store. He was 20 and she was 17. I was 21.

 

After being apart for 3 months, we began speaking to one another again. I knew that he and his rebound had broken up and I was reluctant to get back together with him, despite his claims that he still loved me and that he made a mistake. Eventually I gave in and things have been nothing but great since then.

 

However, he slept with this girl while we were apart. He says it only happened twice and that he regrets it, but he later admitted that he mainly regrets it because we got back together and it hurts me, not because he thought it was the wrong thing to do. A year and a half later, I am still upset, partly because he slept with someone so quickly after we broke up (I had opportunities, but didn't sleep with anyone else), and partly because she was so young and immature.

 

I see myself marrying my boyfriend and I want to focus on a solid future with him, but things remind me of what he did and I can't totally forget it. Sometimes I can deal with it, but other times it really bothers me and I feel betrayed. I realize that we were broken up and he technically didn't do anything wrong, but I am still experiencing pain from this. Can someone please help me?

 

Thank you!

[Fofinha]

Oh! Hun, you were apart so he had every right to sleep with someone else! Perhaps it was his way to try to forget about you at that moment. You should not be upset about this. If he had slept with this girl while you were both together, I could understand your reaction, but since you weren't, he did nothing wrong by being with that other girl. Forgive him and try to move on.

[morrigan]

If you want to have a relationship with this guy, you're going to have to get past him having sex with someone else after you two broke up. It wasn't an affair, but it still bothers you deeply enough to cause problems.

 

If you can't get past the hurt feelings you have about the situation, you shouldn't date him.

[NEONINK]

things have been nothing but great since then.

 

The rest of us should be so lucky. Read the following words above for a month each day.

 

You got the second chance that many of us dream about. Good for you! Enjoy the relationship and have fun.

[SoleMate]

Can you dig a little deeper into your feelings? Sometimes when you pull them out into the light of day, they are easier to deal with. Do you think he treats sex too lightly? Do you think he used the other girl? Are you jealous? Do you doubt his current stated feelings for you? Do you think he will leave you for the ex? Keep digging until you reach waht really bothers you, and then flog THAT thought out. It may be valid, and it may not.

[NEONINK]

Good point Solemate. Probably some fear of rejection somewhere in the woodpile too.

[dlb311]

I am going through similar things... but I am not obessing over the sex partners well we both had them so what can we do. See it seems to me that he wrote you all the stuff in yout card and meant it but maybe it scared him he is young...

So he felt like he needed to do something crazy like sleep with some young chick...

 

I think you should not hold it against him or your relationship will not work...You have to just realize guys are different when it comes to sex with someone they don't care about. He loves you so it means more with you but obviously he didn't love her so it meant nothing.

 

But if you keep bringing it up and making him feel bad he may get sick of it and leave you again... plus he is young.....

[faux]

He had a right to become involved with other people when you two were not together. However, it's a bit disappointing that he committed a criminal offense in doing so. Him sleeping with an underage, 17 year old could have landed him in jail.