We had a wonderful holiday...now I would like some insights on some annoying problems

[Thinkalot]

Hello friends! I am back from a fantastic 2 week holiday skiing in Japan. My partner and I loved the snow (we had some of the best powder skiing ever!), the country, the food and the people! It was such a cultural change and a great break. We had a lovely time together too (the usual arguments here and there, but basically we were very close and happy). The heat of the Aussie summer knocked us a bit when we arrived home on the weekend though! We get our photos back this afternoon, can't wait.

 

I do have a few serious relationship questions to ask now though... regarding, of course, my usual issues of obsessing/questioning about the past, my bf's ex-wife etc ( I think most of you know my story by now).

 

Firstly, I have made big improvements, and my psychologist even said he no longer needs to see me, unless I have a big setback etc. BUT when we first went away, I did have a big setback. I got all insecure and started asking all sorts of questions. Many of them centred around an overseas trip my partner took with his ex-wife. I kept comparing their experiences and our experiences. Other times I would ask questions which may have even seemed innocent to an outsider, but were driven by the some neurotic impulses...these questions focussed on the country they visited itself/the culture, the places they visited on their trip and so on. Sometimes I even convinced myself it was nothing more than healthy curiousity...but I know that isn't the case, and so does my boyfriend.

 

For the first couple of days I really let my thoughts run away with me and asked many questions, until my bf snapped and I realised I needed to get a grip ( I should add, even at this time we were enjoying the trip itself...however my questioning created some distance between the two of us, as it always does). The rest of the trip I was pretty good on the whole, except for a few occassions when I would start with the questioning thing again (and usually around their one and only o/s trip...that seemed to be a focus of the obsession at the time).

 

Does anyone have any insights as to why this struck me so forcefully at the start of the trip? It was quite upsetting and I really felt dissapointed with myself. I have speculated that it may be due to the fact that I was suddenly removed from my usual support structures and routines (ie, Lshack, family, friends, routines of work and gym etc) and spending ALL my time with my partner, in a much closer way than usual. I think I set my boundaries a little further away from him before, while I got myself together. And if the thoughts got too much I would simply go for a walk, come online, talk to someone else, or else, get stuck into work.

 

My boundaries are now drawn closer to him again. As a result the connection feels more intense and loving once more, which is great. But it is also a challenge for me when we are together for a lot of one on one time.

 

I really need to get a handle on this. I need to be able to relax more easily on holidays with him I would think. I mean, I did get a grip on the trip, and we are both currently on a high now after the great trip etc, but it upset me at the time, that I had to fight off the demon thoughts once more, and on more than one occassion. I really dont want them there AT ALL!!!! Now that we are home, I am finding things much easier to manage again. I am scared however that by going for diversion techniques when the thoughts come in, I am perhaps bandaiding a remaining part of the problem which needs to be healed. Not too sure where to turn next though, in actually making it go completely away. Maybe all that is needed is vigilance and time?

[Thinkalot]

P.S. A lot of the time, as I've said before, I am busy trying to know EVERYTHING about my bf's past...all the insignificant details, as though I am scared not to know...or scared something will happen and I'll look silly. How do YOU deal with not knowing everything about a person's life? How do you stop feeling like you NEED to know?

 

These are really my remaining issues I believe...all stemming from the same old stuff...but the ones which are the hardest to kill.

[clia]

Did you ever determine with your therapist why you feel so threatened about your boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife?

 

IMO, it seems like your reactions are a result of either jealousy or just plain feeling threatened by her. Do you know yet why you feel this way? Do you know why you are insecure about this? Are you afraid that you don't compare to her? Are you afraid he will leave you for her? Etc...

 

I think if you can determine the answer to these questions, you won't need distractions to keep your mind off it. Finding the root of the problem will help you eliminate the problem.

[Thinkalot]

Hey thanks for that. Well, it comes down to the low self esteem I think...and fear of being hurt...that I might not measure up. Plus, my competitive nature, tendency to over analyse things etc does not help. My bf once told me that trip he took overseas with her, was the best holiday he's been on. Not because of the company, but because of the things he saw and did while away. I have had many more travel experiences than he has, and could not possiblly rank them. I've had wonderful holidays without him, and wonderful holidays now, with him. He would never had even tried to compare trips either if I had not asked him too! He says he still does not really compare, they are all good and different...that one just had some great experiences.

 

I always want whatever we do together to be the BEST. I have realised this about myself. I don't like it. I dont want to keep comparing and competing, even a little bit. It's tiring.

 

I've covered so much ground in the recent months...but sometimes I wonder why I am not completely there?? How long does it take?

 

Gaia, maybe if you are reading this you can also offer me some wisdom from your own personal experiences with this problem?

[carla]

Welcome back! I'm glad that for the most part you had a wonderful trip. I'm glad to hear of no broken limbs.

 

As for your bf was the trip he took with his ex to Japan also? If so I can understand your concerns. Your probably wondering if he had as much fun or more with her then with you. I'm not sure of your whole story. As you know I'm still a newbie. The only thing that I can suggest is that when you feel these things just tell yourself that things in his past obviously weren't prefect otherwise they would still be together. I'm sure that you have things in past that you really wouldn't think it approperate to bring up in this relationship. Everyone does. Work on what you have and make it the best in both your lifes. Work for the future and let old dogs lie. Sorry that I can't be more helpful.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Carla...good advice. It wasn't Japan, but somewhere with some similar cultural differences etc . I Know what i am supposed to do, sometimes I just have a hard time applying the rules (although I will happily give the advice to others!) Sometimes I don't know what I still find it so hard from time to time either.

 

And I am so glad your plans came together!! Congrats

[moimeme]

How do YOU deal with not knowing everything about a person's life? How do you stop feeling like you NEED to know?

 

Most people don't have that need, Thinkalot. This is what obsessive thinking is. These are obsessive thoughts. Your 'need' to know is like the OCD person's 'need' to wash his hands forty times or to say the alphabet six times before leaving the house or any other such obsession. It's the nature of the beast.

 

Your psych should be able to explain how travelling was a 'trigger' and what other sorts of 'triggers' you can expect to counter over time. At a guess, I'd say that going someplace very unfamiliar triggered a need for security;

i. e. the 'need to know'.

[Thinkalot]

Makes sense. Thanks Merry. I am in a very happy place in my life right now...but this lingering problem sh*ts me!

[meanon]

I have speculated that it may be due to the fact that I was suddenly removed from my usual support structures and routines (ie, Lshack, family, friends, routines of work and gym etc) and spending ALL my time with my partner, in a much closer way than usual. I think I set my boundaries a little further away from him before, while I got myself together. And if the thoughts got too much I would simply go for a walk, come online, talk to someone else, or else, get stuck into work. My boundaries are now drawn closer to him again.

 

Welcome back Thinkalot - you were missed!

 

I think you are spot on in your assessment of what the problem was. Don't underestimate what a challenge visiting a foreign culture is, enjoyable though it may be. As you gain in confidence in using the techniques you have used to keep the thoughts at bay then the ease with which you use them and the number of situations in which they will work will increase. Eventually they will be fleeting thoughts quickly dispelled or the thoughts will not appear at all. If this doesn't happen then you need to review the meds, but I'm sure it will. I really don't think that there are major psychological issues to be resolved and healed.

 

The one thing it is worth spending some time thinking about is the issue of control which is at the heart of OCD. The need to know everything is a need to eliminate all risk, so that there are no nasty surprises. As you know, it is an impossible task and is self defeating in that it creates distance between you and your bf. One of the techniques I mentioned before (asking: will the answer make me feel better? If not don't ask the question) is often particularly useful in this context. Other than that it may help to think about how total risk avoidance can impact on life negatively (do any of your books cover this?) as well as exporing your general attitude to risk.

[gaia]

Hello Thinkalot

 

Nice to speak to you at last. I'm glad you had a good holiday. Sorry I didn't reply sooner - I was late for work this morning and didn't want to just rush off a response.

 

I have OCD too (as you've probably gathered from my posts on your last thread!) and although it has taken many forms over the years, your current difficulties are certainly ones that I can strongly relate to.

 

When I first met my (now) husnband over 10 years ago, I was very insecure about the relationship and constantly worried that he would go off with someone else. My questioning tended to be of the reassurance seeking kind ("Do you still love me?), but I remember doing the comparisons bit too. It seemed as if I could only be secure if I "knew" that everything with me was better than it had been with his previous girlfriends.

 

Maybe this is down to perfectionism. Most people with OCD have this trait, I know I do and it sounds like you do too. I think your perfectionism is starting to creep into your appraisal of how well you are doing. What comes across from you is disappointment with yourself for not having coped perfectly, for not having got rid of the thoughts completely.

 

You're right - any situation that is out of the ordinary will make it more difficult to cope. The fact of being with him constantly and not having your family/friends/LS to talk to when it got tough is easily enough to tip the balance. Don't feel bad about it. Congratulate yourself for how far you've come, value it as a learning experience and plan for the future so that next time you're prepared.

 

As for coping with holidays in the future:

 

1. They will become easier the longer you are together anyway, so the effort required will be less each time.

 

2. Make sure you pack your medication! (bitter experience talking here!).

 

3. Set yourself lower standards. Accept it will be harder and cut yourself some slack.

 

4. Try to avoid questioning as much as you can, as it always made me feel worse not better. I'd feel even more insecure afterwards and the desire to question would be even greater. I sometimes wrote little messages to look at when I was tempted to qyestion, to remind myself how crap I'd feel if I did. (Easier said than done, I know).

 

5. If you need it, sort out some excuses in advance to get away from him for a while and set the time aside for a period of "controlled obsessing".

 

A few other things: Firstly, it gets much easier with time - hang in there. Secondly, having intrusive thoughts is normal - you may never get rid of them but you will become able to ignore them. Thirdly, he must really love you if he's still around. To quote my husband (after a particularly exasperating interrogation): "Of course I ******* love you. Do you think I'd stick around taking this if I didn't"!!!

 

Make a big list of all the good things about yourself and what you bring to the relationship that's positive.

That's why he loves you.

[Errol]

I don't know that much about OCD, but I've had the normal curiosity about my spouses past and I can understand going somewhere and wondering if they had a better time with me or with an ex.

 

But I look at it this way; my spouse is who she is because of her past and the people and events in her past so I have to thank them all for making her into the person I fell in love with and who fell in love with me. That's all I need to know.

[meanon]

Maybe this is down to perfectionism

 

I knew there was something I was forgetting in the background of characteristics of a typical person with OCD. This is it. If you recognise this as a personality trait you may want to decide which areas of your life you want to give it free reign in (housework, finances?) and in which areas it has a more destructive influence. Then you can start setting yourself lower standards generally, not just in the relationship with your bf.

[gaia]

meanon, you are so wise.

[meanon]

LOL

[gaia]

I was serious!

[Thinkalot]

Thank you all VERY much. I will pass this on to my bf (aka Bunnyboy) to read also, as it will probably give him further insight, plus make him laugh. gaia, you don't know how many times he has responded to me with a similar: "of course I f------ love you! I would have walked away from this crap by now if I didn't!"

 

Thank you for reminding me not to be too much of a perfectionist. I was beating up on myself for not being 'perfect' the whole time we were away. Thank you for reminding me that these things will happen with my condition. Even my bf told me to let it go and take it easy on myself, and said he had a wonderful trip away with me!

 

Now I am back home, things feel easier for me again! I have you guys, my family, my little book where I write down questions, some routine etc... next time I might take that book away with me!

[Thinkalot]

PS gaia- cute avatar!

[kara]

Hi there thinkalot and everyone else,

I posted about similar ex issues a while ago here and my bf has said similar things about loving me, but, somehow that didn't suffice to relieve my head so far. I have been doing a lot of thinking about jelousy, obsessions and so on and I think the key question I have to answer now is : do I love him? Or am I obsessed with myself, with whom he compares me to, with what he thinks about me and what will happen if he decides to leave me when she-ex wants him back one day?

I am really confused, I thought I love him, though I was not physically attracted in the beginning. He was the kind of ugly-sexy one, in the beginning and he flattered me by saying he thought he could never have me and so on, we got together and now I am physically attracted but hate his ways of thinking. We were a kind of an "odd" couple, we met at a social club and nobody there could put us together, so we don't really fit socially. I guess what I am trying to say is, my obsession with my boyfriend's ex comes from something that has to be cleared between us: we are very different in many ways (we come from different countries and cultures), I have done some work on self-growth and adult children of alcoholics, he is not familiar with this kind of stuff, but still has a very low self- esteem and only talks about it when I pressure him, etc. etc. And the issue-ex (there is one that isn't an issue and is more recent, the issue is the "first"), she is his old schoolfriend, she is all that I am not, comes from the same culture (even sam town!) and is an artist, I am a scientist. To cut it short, I am trying to figuire out what (other than sex) keeps us together and how did his taste in people changed so much, I don't think I trust him when he says he wants me. My obsession must be a sign of discomfort in my relationship and not JUST MY problem. Even though, I have regurgitated all the things he has said about the issue-ex (how amazing she is and how even I would like her if I met her etc.) and he has apologized and accepted that he wanted to show-off etc, I have not been able to forgive. May be, I am being a perfectionist and hate him for destroying the perfect thing I thought we were building together, may be... But if I loved him I wouldn't do all this "me me me" talk in my head would I?

[Thinkalot]

Kara, only you can figure out what you really feel for this man. But for what it's worth, even if you really love him, it is possible you could still be doing all this 'me me me' talk in your head, as you put it.

 

Have a look in the jealousy section on this site, and check out a thread titled "obsessed with my boyfriend's ex"...you will see there are many who feel the same way.