Where is the line?

[ShatteredReality]

How do you know the line between the abuse you receive or the abuse you cause? Allow me to clarify please before jumping all over saying you never cause the abuse. That's untrue. I grew up in an abused home and went to counselling upon my parents divorce and one thing I found incredibly amazing at the time was that my mother instigated some of the abuse. Not all. And that doesn't mean she DESERVED it. But she did things she knew would set him off, knowing the consequences. I thought...why would anybody do that? But here I am...20 years later...

 

Here's my story - I apologize in advance if it's lengthy. I have been married over 10 years now. I met this guy and BAM - within the course of one weekend of endless talking and chatting and lunch etc - I was sunk. He was it. I loved him and I knew he was the man that I wanted to have an eternal connection with. Silly little 17yo me. I had broken off a realtionship for seeming like it might become abusive, I had not entered into relationships that had the potential for abuse - I would not date a substance abuser - period. (Dad was a drunk) But this guy - well he had a hold on me none of them ever had. The first four months I never met any of his family or friends. He kept me a secret and wouldn't call me his girlfriend. He loved me, he said, I was his best friend, but he wasn't ATTRACTED to me...not that that stopped us from making out or even progressing to sex eventually. I was his Perfect girl...except not so much in the looks category. Well that was no shocker to me...I have always been a little on the heavy side (I was about 20lbs overweight all through highschool). I knew I was "cute" and had a "nice personality", but never bothered to try to pretend I thought I was "beautiful". No Beauty contests for me - and I never minded...but that...well that freaking HURT...here I was giving this boy my all (he is only 6 mo older than I am) and he was taking what I gave him with very little in return. After those 4 painful months we broke it off. No contact. I missed him and my heart cracked in two, but I tried to move on. I dated a couple of guys...but another 6 mo later he came back into my life. After only a month of talking on the phone and internet I was ready to walk away from the current relationship I was in and back to him...I did just that. This time things would be different. He eventually introduced me to his family and even called me his girlfriend. We broke up often. He was very strictly Christian, so our physical intimacy was more than his conscience could bear. He broke things off, then he came back, he broke things off, then he came back...I didn't feel I could be very upset with him trying to stand by his convictions, and I also couldn't say no to him when he wanted to let things go where I knew he considered "too far". Even though I had the same religious beliefs, I admitted my weakness and hoped upon hopes I'd be able to move past all of it...knowing I'd probably marry young even. Our relationship was so on and off that it became a joke even "Hey this week do you have a boyfriend or is this the week you don't" That sort of thing. Now I cannot say that I feel all of that was abuse...it seems more now like a confused teenage relationship. However it was emotional torture at the time. Near the end we were off more than on and I had to get out - I planned a move to California for college and within four months of making that decision I was gone. 3 weeks after the move he called saying he couldn't live without me and didn't know what he'd been thinking. I took it with a grain of salt...not sure when he'd break up with me again. 4 months later (after us taking turns flying back and forth to see each other 2 weekends a month) he proposed. I nearly fell off the couch. Of course I said yes right away...stability! I couldn't believe it. We planned the wedding for 2 months later and about a month into it I was terrified. I thought - my god - he's only marrying me because he doesn't know how to be alone and doesn't know if he'll find anybody else. I tried to break it off, I even dated another boy for a week. He called me one night, drunk and stoned out of his mind (first time I'd heard him like that) and begged me to reconsider and to marry him. My heart tore in two...so I said yes again...I did not tell him about the guy I had dated though - that was a huge mistake. I should have told him, and it ate away at me and I did wind up telling him 6 months into the marriage. He well ballistic...even said that the baby I was carrying might not be his. (I found out I was pregnant a week before we got married and Yes I had slept with the other boy - I did know THAT guy didn't get me pregnant though) It was a very difficult time. I did that. I should have been honest with him straight out.

 

The name calling (that I can recall) started just a couple weeks into the marriage. My sister says I don't remember it but it started while we were dating. I honestly don't remember it, she says I cried to her about it though and I believe her. She told me not to marry him and after I did she told me to get out before it was too late. She had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship so I wrote her off as jaded. He started to tell me I was worthless...I was a piece of Sh...I was a slut (before he knew about the other boy). I believed him. I felt so guilty for what I'd done that I knew all those things to be true. He told me he acted the way that he did and got as angry as he did because of things that I said and did. After I told him what happened it got much much worse...he would hold me down so I couldn't move and yell at me. He did slap me on the back of my head once, but it hasn't ever happened since and it's been over 9 years so I can't really hold that one against him. I had a bag packed for a couple of years in case he did it again...hiding in the closet...but he never did. That bag is long gone. Once he held me down and spit on me. Another time he was so upset he threw the couch around the room, putting holes in odd places of the walls from the feet of the couch. All of this was years ago, but it's some of our background. I knew it was abuse. I didn't know what to do. By then I had a 2yr old and another baby on the way. I cried for my children, not knowing why I'd been so stupid...I hadn't even finished college...I was all of the things he said I was - I was stupid and ugly and fat and worthless. I was a c*nt and a b*tch. He smoked pot for the first 2 or 3 yrs of our marriage but quit...he doesn't and never had drank very often...these are not strictly substance induced things as I was always accustomed. I went to a meeting for verbally abused women one night...those women had stories much much worse than mine. They included much physical abuse. I don't have those stories. Holding me so I cannot move is abuse, but it stopped. He doesn't do that now. After about 8 yrs I got a new job and there was this guy...I was weak and I had an affair. No it wasn't OK. Yes I feel bad. No it didn't JUST HAPPEN. Yes I was STUPID. I fell for every line...he was just so...calm. We went out during our lunch break and I said something off the wall and silly or stupid...my H would have called me a name or told me I was being an idiot...this guy didn't. He didn't even laugh at me. He raised his eyebrows and let me stumble over myself. He even smiled and told me it was ok. He told me I was beautiful. He never called me a name and was all the things I never knew I'd even been missing. I should have run. I should have quit my job and gotten far far away from him. I didn't. I had an affair. My conscience got the better of me and, even though we'd flirted for over 2 mo beforehand, 2 days after I slept with him I ratted myself out. My H went insane. He started cutting on himself and drinking, taking painkillers...begging me not to leave. I told him I had to I didn't see any other way. I hated what I'd done, but I also now saw that I could be treated differently. I broke off the affair, but it started again another 2 mo down the road. We still worked together and saw eachother...he was very good at finding me alone, even when I didn't know he was around. I thought I was in love. I knew logically it was despiseable what I was doing...I was failing as a mother and as a wife. I hated myself. I hated him sometimes for being so easy to like. My H convinced me to stay but then turned right around and started in with the names. After I had told him it needed to stop. It made the A easier to keep up on...I was going to leave anyway by then so it was a matter of putting together some escape money and getting out. I justified it and swallowed the guilt and told myself I'd break up with him too once I moved out...that I would even move another town or two over if I had to...but my H confronted me about a month in and asked if I was doing it again. I couldn't lie outright like that. He sobbed...I broke it off...didn't start it up again...my H said we'd go to counselling. We did. Together twice and then seperately for a little while. She said I am incredibly manipulated by this man. He said he wanted to change. He said he didn't know how damaging what he'd been doing was and now that he knew he'd change. He did, too. Not 100%, but it's nearly amazing the difference. It's been 2 yrs since the A and I did change jobs and have no contact with the OM. I don't even associate with the people I worked with at that job because I want complete seperation.

 

The comments he makes...How long do I pay for that mistake? I know I hurt him. It seems that my 6 months of temporary insanity have negated all of his previous actions. He doesn't respect me. I know I did that. I did things that make someone not respect you. But...am I being selfish? Do I just need to sit back and let it ride? He only calls me stupid when he's really really mad now...if he's in a bad mood he'll make comments about how I'd like to suck this guy off or that guy on TV...or how if some guy just walked in right now I'd just lay back and let him have me...he does still think I am all the things he used to call me. He doesn't say them as often...not remotely. My children have heard these names. My children have seen how he's treated me. Am I insane? I know he's working on things...he's on medication for depression that he previously didn't admit was even there - though it always has been. He's being treated for his ADD also. He doesn't go to counseling anymore....that was mostly to help him through the A and help him stop cutting. He doesn't do that anymore either.

 

Please - if you're jaded because someone cheated on you - reserve your judgement and criticism for yourself. I am honestly just trying to find out here...Did I ask for all of this?? Am I being selfish for wanting to cry when he calls me names or says I am worthless? Am I just some silly, stupid little girl who is reaping what she's sewn? I don't justify my A. It was above and beyond of the dumbest things I have ever done. And yes, I knew it would make an already bad situation worse. I did it anyway. I know, and I knew then, that it should have ended then. But at the time I felt I had put all the balls in his court and it was his call. My bad outdid all of his bads...is that how it works? Do I have a right to be upset/confused/sad? I don't know...I feel as though I didn't deserve it before...but maybe I do now? He is trying...honestly...I KNOW he is...I can see the improvements...it's like...if I left now that's just punishing him...it'd be like him leaving me now for what I did 2 yrs ago saying that I was going to do it again when we both know I have a conviction not to repeat that mistake...He has made so many changes...but I feel so much weaker...Like I Can't take it like I used to...I have anxiety attacks...I isolate myself because I fear what I will do if I snap again (the job I have now is very alone in my own department hardly any coworkers - thank goodness)...I cry (that used to be a once a year thing)...when he makes me cry he doesn't know what to do...he says it makes him feel worthless because he knows I hate crying...I try not to let him see me...I go take a shower or leave the room, but apparently he can tell now about half the time and catches me.... I guess I just want a general take from others who aren't emotionally vested in this...I don't think I can see the forest clearly through the trees...I know you cannot tell me what to do...all decisions are mine to make and my mistakes are also mine to own...

[Downtown]

Shattered, you are describing a H who is verbally abusive, is emotionally unstable, has strong anger issues, does self harm like cutting to escape inner pain, has low self esteem, does black-white thinking, blames you for every misfortune, hates to be alone, and has a terrible fear of abandonment. Significantly, these behavioral traits form a well known pattern that psychologists call BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) traits.

 

Whether they are so severe as to meet the diagnostic crieteria for "having BPD" is a determination that only a professional can make. However, even if a therapist determines that your H has BPD, he likely will not tell him or you because BPDers typically quit therapy on hearing that diagnosis and because insurance companies usually refuse to cover BPD treatments. It therefore is common for BPD to be labeled something like PTSD or depression, both of which are covered by insurance.

 

If you would like to read an overview of typical BPDer behavior, please see my two posts in Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If you have any questions about BPD traits, I would be glad to try to answer them. I am not a psychologist but, rather, a man who lived with a BPDer (my exW) for 15 years. Take care.

[ShatteredReality]

Downtown - That article you had posted was very interested...as were some of the things said in that thread. It's odd you pulled that one up...when we nearly split two years ago he did some research of his own, convinced he had more than just clinical depression and for a little while he thought maybe he had BPD. Not a terribly severe case as some seem to have, and he asked the therapist about it. She said the fact that he was proactive enough to find out what was wrong with him was an indication that he might NOT have it...but that he would need a full evaluation to be sure. He saw a separate therapist (not the couples one we were seeing) on his own and that one told him no - he's got depression and ADD. He also has a circadian disorder known as Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS) which interferes with having a normal schedule, and thus compounds the Depression and ADD.

 

I'd be interested, though...since his symptoms are so similar...what was the tipping point with you and your wife? You confess you're codependent...I have always known that I am. I feel out of place if I don't have someone to take care of...I had always in the past thought I'd just cope with it, but now I've been married for so long that I don't remember what it was like NOT to have it. On two small vacations I was able to take from my family I found myself rejuvinated, but after a few days I was ready to return home to them...even if I am the worse housewife on the planet, I work full time, and only cook four out of seven days of the week if I can get away with it. I find myself just needing to be near them and having them ask me for various little things...or at the store I get things specifically for each of them, small things, chocolate bars or a specific kind of snack nut or something....

 

So...In your opinion...are all the changes smoke in mirrors? I mean...I did something horrible to set him off two years ago and I recognize that even a completely stable man would need time to heal if he was choosing to forgive me...but are things going to start backsliding again? We used to have three bad weeks for every good one. Now we're up to three Good weeks for every bad one....

[Downtown]

So...In your opinion...are all the changes smoke in mirrors?

Shattered, I don't know because I've never met the man. All I was saying is that the behavioral traits you describe sound like many of those listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual for BPD. Diagnosis of BPD requires a strong and persistent occurrence of at least five of the following traits:

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
   
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
   
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. [i note that you have described no behavior that clearly indicates an identity disturbance. If your H has no such trait, then it is highly unlikely he has strong BPD traits because this trait is essential, as I understand it. At issue, then, is whether he oftentimes feels empty inside and lacks a strong sense of who he is. A man with such a weak self image will feel suffocated and engulfed whenever he is intimate with a woman having a strong sense of who she is. He won't say that, however. Instead, as the fear overcomes him, he will push her aside by creating an argument over nothing. Hence, arguments will usually follow immediately on the heels of a great evening or weekend of closeness. Yet, as she backs off, she will trigger his other great fear: that of abandonment. This is why a few days or weeks later he will start reeling her back in with sweetness -- and this push-away pull-back cycle will start again.]
   
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
   
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
   
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
   
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
   
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
   
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
   

In contrast, the traits for ADD are often described as inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity -- which seem to fall far short of describing many of the behaviors you have described. Because therapists are loath to label a client as having BPD, it can be difficult to find one who will render that diagnosis even when it is warranted, as I mentioned above. I therefore suggest that you see a clinical psychologist, on your own, and describe his behavior to her. At the same time, you can obtain her professional opinion on your issues, e.g., whether you have strong traits of codependency and, if so, how to control it.

.what was the tipping point with you and your wife?

After about 13 years, I started erecting stronger personal boundaries, refusing to be drawn into her controlling games of wanting me to participate in her drama. I just backed off, assuming that the expensive therapy sessions would work. (I paid for her to go to weekly therapy sessions with six different psychologists over a 15 year period -- and, every two weeks, I went with her to a counseling session.) It did not work because she was unwilling to confront her illness and take responsibility for her actions. As often happens, she became increasingly resentful every year of my inability to fix her or make her happy. So she left me at the end of the 15 years. It is very unusual for a codependent like me to walk away from a sick loved one -- even though that is exactly what they should do.

 

Living with a verbally abusive BPDer is so disorienting because the abuse is alternated with good periods during which time the BPDer is so wonderfully good. The relationship becomes toxic and addictive. The result is that it is common for the partner or spouse to feel like they are going crazy and are fully responsible for the failed marriage.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Downtown

[ShatteredReality]

Living with a verbally abusive BPDer is so disorienting because the abuse is alternated with good periods during which time the BPDer is so wonderfully good. The relationship becomes toxic and addictive. The result is that it is common for the partner or spouse to feel like they are going crazy and are fully responsible for the failed marriage.

 

That is me. That is us. That is my relationship. Always has been. The good times are SOOOO good...and when he loves me...he loves me COMPLETELY. He Can say and Do the most wonderful things...but then there are these times...these awful times...they strip away all the good from the good times, they make me feel insane and at fault (even though I know logically some of the things I am being blamed for aren't my fault). It tears me up and makes me feel alone, scared, guilty, and ashamed. I know this isn't healthy. I just...get confused. Like...if there is improvement, isn't that worth fighting for? He doesn't seem to have any issues with his identity. His family has a myriad of mental issues, His oldest brother - well we don't know what's wrong with him, he's not really associating with the family and self medicates, his sister was diagnosed Bi-Polar with Fibromyalgia(sp??) and is in therapy and taking meds, his mother was on Prozac when I met her, now takes Clonazopram regularly - has anxiety and depression severely, one of his brothers seems rather normal - anger issues though - and his other brother appears to be somewhat narcissistic(sp??). At least, that's what his wife says...

 

But I kept thinking, he's willing to admit there's a problem, he's seeking help...this means I should stay and support him in this endeavor right? Or is that my codependancy talking? It's so hard to know the difference. I know you cannot tell me what to do...and ultimately that's a good thing....I guess I just want to know I am not crazy and that my situation isn't hopeless. The statistics are against us...abusers almost always fall back into their old ways. According to this forum I'm like some kind of cheating predator and the statistics on that end would state I am going to reoffend (though I am more aware now and trying to safeguard from such things). I guess...sometimes I just feel like I'm going to implode. Did you ever feel that way? And...where I had a leg to stand on, a reason to be upset with him when he did something wrong...I gave that up two years ago...but for how long? How long does that thing follow me and make it so he's got license to explode because the wrong movie came on or I looked too long at an actor that resembles someone from the past?

 

I'm going to look up the information you gave me and do a little more research. Thank you. I don't mean to just unload...vent I guess...it's a very private life, though, to not be able to talk freely with others about this...don't want family or friends to dislike either of us for the things we've done to eachother....Also all the self doubt that perhaps I am in the wrong and just don't see it...it compiles. Learning more about BPD may help. Even if he's not a strong BPDer, he does have symptoms...dealing with those symptoms is probably similar. Thanks Downtown.

[Downtown]

where I had a leg to stand on, a reason to be upset with him when he did something wrong...I gave that up two years ago...but for how long? How long does that thing follow me and make it so he's got license to explode because the wrong movie came on or I looked too long at an actor that resembles someone from the past?

If your H is a BPDer, he has so little control over his emotions that intense feelings often sweep through his mind. The feelings are so intense that he accepts them as "facts" and will not be dissuaded by any logic or reason you produce. The result is that, even if he had no affair to point to from the past, his mind would manufacture something to point to as his apparent reason for verbally abusing you. Moreover, he likely would BELIEVE the manufactured rational because it is produced subconsciously in a process called "projection." This is one reason that BPD traits are said to constitute a "thought distortion."

 

My exW, for example, was convinced that I was lying to her nearly every week. Yet, when I would ask her for an actual example of something I said that she had confirmed was false, she would go back 15 years for an example (knowing that neither of us remembered what had been said that long ago). Of course, when you give a BPDer an actual offense like cheating to point to, he will never forget it. Because a BPDer is convinced that he is a continual victim, he will never let go of any information that supports that distorted view of himself. To be a victim forever, he needs a "perpetrator" around at all times so as to be able to blame her for all his misfortunes.

He Can say and Do the most wonderful things...but then there are these times...these awful times...they strip away all the good from the good times, they make me feel insane and at fault .... [but] he doesn't seem to have any issues with his identity.

Actually, the black-white thinking you are describing -- where he adores you one week and then flips to hating you in an instant -- likely is the result of a self identity problem. What typically happens with a BPDer is a childhood trauma that prevents him from developing a cohesive strong sense of who he is. That is, he never learns to integrate the good and bad aspects of his personality into a cohesive sense of self.

 

This is why a BPDer does not think of himself (as the rest of us do) as a basically good person who sometimes has bad thoughts. Instead, he thinks of himself as being 100% good or 100% bad. This explains, then, why he is so resistant to admitting to a mistake or having a flaw -- no matter how minor they are. To admit that, he would pay such a heavy painful price: switching from being "all good" to "all bad" in his own mind. Sadly, he has no "essentially good" or "basically good" category in which to place himself.

 

A BPDer also applies this rigid all-or-nothing thinking to everyone else too. This is why, when a person says or does some minor thing offending him, he may reclassify that person in ten seconds as being "all bad," perceiving him to be the devil. And he will treat the person accordingly. With a high-functioning BPDer -- as your H seems to be -- the people that easily trigger him in that manner usually are only those people who love him (i.e., family and close friends). It therefore is common to see a BPDer treat strangers and business colleagues with generosity and much caring -- and then go home to verbally abuse the wife and children. The reason, as I explain at the link above, has to do with his anger being triggered by any comment or action that arouses his fears of engulfment and abandonment.

 

Finally, I note that the lack of a strong stable self image helps explain why a BPDer hates to be alone. For one thing, when he is alone in a room he doesn't even have his "self" to keep him company. For another, he feels the need to be around a woman with a strong stable self image because she can serve to center and ground him, preventing his self image from changing so radically from day to day. If this is true of your H, you likely have noticed that he tends to act differently around different friends because he is using them to stabilize and center his self image.

[ShatteredReality]

Finally, I note that the lack of a strong stable self image helps explain why a BPDer hates to be alone. For one thing, when he is alone in a room he doesn't even have his "self" to keep him company. For another, he feels the need to be around a woman with a strong stable self image because she can serve to center and ground him, preventing his self image from changing so radically from day to day. If this is true of your H, you likely have noticed that he tends to act differently around different friends because he is using them to stabilize and center his self image.

 

When we're around other people the mean often comes out in him. He will make desparaging remarks about my weight or personality...putting me down...sometimes he says it's because I made some offensive joke that put him down or simply because I did something to upset him so he's lashing out...other times he tells me it's just how he acts when other people are around and that's why we just shouldn't hang out with other people. We have very few close friends, and most of them have raised eyebrows on more than one occasion because of random insulting comments he's made towards or about me (always in front of me - Always). They wait for me to blow up or something I think...but a friend of mine said she knows when I get angry because I stop talking...I just get very quiet. She says that's how she knows he'll hear it later. All of my friends view me as very assertive and self sufficient...I think they'd be shocked to know that after they go he doesn't "hear it". I try to remain calm and quiet and explain to him very specifically what he said or did to hurt my feelings and hear him out to find out if I did something to trigger it. It isn't acceptable...I tell him this time and again...not sure how to get him to stop though...he says he tries....

[Downtown]

Shattered, I spent a small fortune taking my exW to weekly sessions with six different therapists over 15 years -- never knowing for sure that she was actually working on anything or getting better. Well, I eventually learned that she had not improved at all. Moreover, none of the therapists would mention the dreaded term, BPD, for reasons I've already discussed.

 

If I were you, I would see my own clinical psychologist -- without the H there -- so as to have the best chance of hearing a candid assessment of what you likely are dealing with. Of course, the psych will not be able to render a definitive diagnosis without seeing your H but, based on the behavior you describe, he likely will give you a far more candid explanation than will ever come from your H's therapist.

[sugarmomma]

You are reacting as most abused women would by blaming yourself for the abuse. Abuse is never okay and affairs are never okay. You didn't cause the abuse. Many people have affairs and don't end up with the treatment that you have gotten. Somewhat healthy people either break up or try to get to the causes for the affair. You must stop blaming yourself and understand that before the affair he was abusive towards you. The abuse didn't cause the affair and the affair didn't warrant the abuse.

 

You must continue to seek help for abuse victims. You left the support group because you were more focused on the differences than the similarities. Huge mistake. Those were just "yets" for you. I on;y see this situation getting worse if you guys don't get some serious help.

 

Please stop blaming yourself. Nobody deserves to be abused and you have to know that you deserve better.

 

Also cheating is not going to solve your problems as you can see so please don't let it be an option again.

 

Best wishes.

[ShatteredReality]

Thank you Downtown...you've helped me a lot. Truly - I do think perhaps I need to visit a psychologist again. Someone who can help me to recognize in the moment more when he's being manipulative and such. Thank you again.

[ShatteredReality]

Sugarmomma - thank you for your input. I only went to the one meeting and that was years ago. After the fact I had pamphlets they had given me and I forgot them in the car. My H found them and was completely confused, didn't understand why I would go to a meeting like that. He said he'd never physically harm me and didn't I know that. Well of course I didn't. And the meeting was about verbal abuse anyhow, I had to explain that to him. I told him abusive speech leads to physical abuse and that it was a matter of time. That he already had done little things here or there that weren't acceptable physically and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has improved quite a bit...the A did cause him to see that we had problems in our marriage he hadn't realized were there(somehow). For a brief while he even accepted some responsibility in my mental state. I did the wrong thing - I'll have to reconcile that with myself probably forever - but he was partially responsible for my emotional state. Even though I had gone to that meeting and we had talked about how I was feeling at the time - he swore he didn't realize the ramifications of his actions.

 

An affair is never an option. It's not a way out. It's never a smart move to make. So please believe me when I say - it's not an option for me to have another one in the future. I swore to him that I wouldn't do that to him again. I won't do it to myself either. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. I simply cannot leave myself in any position where something like that will reoccur.

 

He was in therapy for a little while afterward, I think mostly to try to cope with how he was feeling. I saw someone briefly as well, though I didn't speak much about prior abuse situations. She said that if I were asking him to put my past away and not turn to it that I had to do the same for him. It's been tough, but I think I have been very successful not bringing it up or using it against him. Not saying things to try to trigger guilt...even when he does those things to me. Tit for tat isn't really my style. I will go ahead and seek help through a different avenue. I am not sure the group meetings are for me yet, though. Those women are so angry. I'm not angry. I am hurt. There is a difference, I get angry for a minute here or there, but it's not a state of mind I spend much time in.

 

At this point, I just want to recognize things in the moment. Not the next day or a week later or a month later....or sometimes even longer. I want to see things for what they are while they are occuring. I have thought of keeping a notebook...something to keep date sequences...to bring it to him and say "this is happening more often than you think" and see what he'll do from there. He won't hit me or beat me...and if he does it'll be because he's completely lost all sanity - in which case I would not survive it. (He's linebacker big) Before hitting me, though, he'll just go cut himself up. That isn't what I want or anything, but I am saying that I am not afraid to approach him and try to talk to him. If things continue to improve then there is hope...if things begin to backslide, I will have to leave. I don't think I am strong enough for round two. I know I don't deserve it...no one ever does...I guess I just worry that I somehow am doing things to him on the same or similar levels, in which case, I don't get to complain...See what I mean though? I need to recognize what is happening when it's happening...and if I truly am doing something wrong I need to know that too....Anyhow, thank you - it helps, what you said, to remind myself of it. It's not my fault...and though I did wrong...it doesn't warrant abuse.