Never thought I'd Be In One...

[FightClub]

I found LS after researching about my own personal long-distance affair with a MW, reading a lot of stories here I did not realize how common it was for people to get involved in these types of relationships. So, I wanted to tell my story and get feedback from others here. So here we go...

 

 

Exactly a year ago I met woman playing an online video game through a chat room, we initially became penpals and eventually went from playing the game online to talking more through myspace, lived in the same state, it was apparent at the time that there was something unique between us and over the course of a year we became good friends. She was married when we first started talking and she let me know that up front but it was obvious that she and her husband had marital problems and to be quite honest from the sound of it, the marriage was not going much further than it was, she and I are in our mid-20's, she's only married for four years and he has a young child from another relationship.

 

Throughout everything we became closer friends, spending more time talking about life, goals, experiences and I'd always look at things from a certain perspective, I never thought of her as anything more than just a friend but as time went on it was obvious we both developed emotional feelings for each other and she eventually let her husband know that she wanted to move on with her life at some point and that they weren't going to last much longer. They separated and lived in different places. Sometimes you can just feel when you've met someone special, someone who lights up your day after you talk to each other and we were those kind of friends.

 

She let me know somewhere in the the middle of talking to each other as months went on that I gave her a lot of strength to move forward with things in her life, gave her confidence from listening to my take on the world and how I handle it and wasn't until she met me that she started to consider where she was going, she was simply existing and not truly living, I encouraged her to take chances, stand up for herself and be heard, follow her dreams, because it's what I do.

 

I get to travel every now and then and decided to meet up with her since she was on the way on one of my trips, At first she decided it wasn't a good idea because her husband is emotionally/verbally abusive, cheated on her multiple times and has a few psychological problems and she was afraid it might cause drama if I was in the same place, something I always respected about her, she never brought me into her problems, only told me about them but never involved me.

 

We eventually came to a compromise to meet up at a location that would be out of the element for both of us, which worked out well since my friends were in the same area in case there was any problems. She drove two hours from her area to come see me. Neither one of us knew what would happen upon first meeting, we both emotionally fell for each other but didn't know how that would translate into meeting up and within minutes of seeing each other, it was amazing, the chemistry was instant and the night was quite literally spectacular, to the point of which it just happened and we ended up in a hotel together. It was the first time I truly felt in passionately in love and it was for me the most amazing feeling I've felt up to this point in life.

 

In the moment, we both knew it was wrong even though she was technically separated from her husband but at the same time it just happened, one of those fight or flight things. She had never done anything like that before and was surprised at how much she let herself go that night.

 

After that night, I drove up to another state and hadn't heard from her in a week, so I decided on my way back home to surprise her at work, unfortunately she wasn't there and when I let her know I was in town to say 'Hi' for a bit, she told me felt uncomfortable about that night and that she 'let me down' and that she knew in her heart what she did was wrong and that what she did wasn't honoring to God and that she didn't think this was right for her, that it made her realize a lot about herself that night.

 

When I heard that, I told her I understood and I would give her space. I didn't want to press the point and I just continued my journey home, when I returned home she literally deleted her social network sites and all ways of contact.

 

I want to note that, before we met up, she had already written me a long and thoughtful letter explaining why she didn't want to meet up and how she had to figure out her life without me because she felt the EA was already too strong and us getting together would only make it stronger, unfortunately I guess I didn't see it that way and ironically, she was right and in the end we committed a PA in the moment, she was no longer the one who didn't cheat. Until then, she had stayed pure in her marriage.

 

So basically, she went NC, as the term is applied around the forums. To be quite honest, I'm not sure what to think, I have a clear sense of what happened and after reading a lot of the posts on here, I'm more educated about this now. What can I expect from something like this? the outcome, if any? In a lot of ways, I never intended for either one of us to get hurt.

Edited November 13, 2010 by FightClub

[spice4life]

Hi and welcome to the forums. You are already doing the right thing by reading through the the stories here; it will help you understand the dynamics of being in an A.

 

As for your MW, it seems that she is experiencing a lot of guilt and has now gone NC. The best thing you can do is respect that for now until she indicates otherwise. I wouldn't hold onto any expectations though. She may contact you again or she may not, but either way you need to move on and focus on your own life no matter what. Then, "if" she contacts you again, you need to decide whether or not you want to end up on the roller coaster that comes from being involved with someone who is not "technically" free yet emotionally.

 

In the meantime, keep posting here for support to help you through. There are a lot of wonderful people here who have been where you are and can help.

 

Good luck and again, welcome to the forums.

[fooled once]

What can I expect from something like this? the outcome, if any? In a lot of ways, I never intended for either one of us to get hurt.

 

What do you mean what can you expect? She has decided she doesn't want you in her life anymore and what she did was wrong. Are you going to continue to try to pursue her?

 

You never intended for either of you to get hurt? That confuses me too. What did you expect?

[FightClub]

Fooledonce, what I mean by that is that we always intended to stay friends, talked about possibilities in the future if we both got our lives together, that we would be open to dating in the future. I never thought meeting up with her, that the emotions both emotional/physical would be so strong in the moment and that it could end up with us being hurt, in hindsight I sort of figured afterwards the night we were together if things were negative, we could talk about it, accept it and then part ways, not run away without reason.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish things had ended with slightly more communication, some reasons as to why she had to disappear because I didn't feel that as open as we were via long distance be it internet, phone, e-mail, etc that she gave me a good idea beyond the, ' I let you down, let myself down and this isn't right for me' quick text when I came back to visit her.

 

And I'm not going to pursue her, I haven't contact or have a way to contact her for the forseeable future, I've been in previous relationships where I did that exact thing and quite frankly it was such a bad move, therefore I never get myself in that pursuit mode anymore, it ends horribly.

 

As for my original question, for others who have said similar experiences, how much did Physical Affair change the emotional affair?

Edited November 13, 2010 by FightClub

[pureinheart]

Hi FC,

 

IMO (others may strongly disagree, although this is "my" experience) an EA is much easier to walk away from. I think once the A goes physical, there is a 'soul tie' there, meaning the two people are connected spiritually now, whether it be possitive or negative.

 

FC, I know things may not have gone down the way you would have liked, although try not to get stuck "here" as it is important to respect her wishes.

 

I know it feels like abandonment and because the A did get physical you have a tie to break (which is NOT easy)...please post a way here, freak out here if you must, what ever you need to do, please release it here. You will get some insensitive and possibly even cruel responses, but the important thing is that you are being set free (even if you don't want to be).

 

I love the fact that you are real about your feelings, not trying to suck up to any one "group" of beliefs, but you are being you and that is refreshing and rarely understood by some.

 

I can tell you I do understand how she feels about dishonoring God, so please try not to take her rather quick actions too personal, meaning that YOU are being rejected, you are not in that sense...she is doing what she is doing to get right with God...I know it feels drastic, but she must have been really taken by you and fears that...fears the possible love and feels extremely guilty.

 

It sounds to me like God is her main dude, so instead of feeling rejected, try to understand that God comes first for her. Please FC, let go of this and put it in Gods hands, and that if He chooses for you two to be together, let Him do it...she knows how to contact you, so let what is to be...be.

 

Would you like to get married someday? If so, in order to do that you need a single person....let go and let God my friend...can you see what I am trying to tell you between the lines? (((((((hugs))))))

[East7]

Hi FC,

 

I agree with all the previous posters, spice4life, pureinheart and fooledonce. Very wise advices.

 

I have been OM in a distance A, but in my case circumstances were different.

 

I think she is VERY emotionally attached to you but she must be overwhelmed and afraid from how things went fast and what she is doing so she stepped back. She must feel a lot of guilt as well.

I would doubt a lot that she wants to go back with her husband as well, if she was completely done with him, why would she cut you off ?

 

As for PA, yes it gives a new dimension to the A. There is a spiritual link that is stronger than the EA.

 

 

 

I get to travel every now and then and decided to meet up with her since she was on the way on one of my trips, At first she decided it wasn't a good idea because her husband is emotionally/verbally abusive, cheated on her multiple times and has a few psychological problems and she was afraid it might cause drama if I was in the same place, something I always respected about her, she never brought me into her problems, only told me about them but never involved me.

 

This is a Red Flag for you because she is staying in a messy relationship, she is young and she is being abused. She may not have enough emotional stability for a new full relationship, she needs to get out of her M and gain self-esteem before starting something new.

 

If you try to resume an affair with her, you will set up for a lot of deceit, she will be mean and she will cause you a lot of pain. Women who are not emotionally stable, don't know what they want, sometimes they are absolutely lovely and another time unexpectedly become mean and distant. Actually it has nothing to do with OP, they have conflicting feelings and they externalize their frustrations to the others.

 

Forget about how wonderful the chemistry was with her. You have seen only the good side of the things, but in the long run you will have more deceit and pain rather then chemistry.

 

So IMO stay away from her ! She has a messy life. She is not ready for a healthy relationship and she is not sure if she wants to completely end it with her H.

[FightClub]

I've slowly been able to make sense of everything and find peace within myself. For me the biggest thing I didn't understand was the aspect of religion and faith and how integral it was with my friendship with this woman, which I think in a lot of ways made it harder for me to understand but since seeing some of the responses here, I'm learning more and more.

 

I do miss her a lot and hope with everything in me that she and I, be it together or apart go on knowing we met each other for a reason, even if it brought us together for one moment in time. The thing I've been asking myself lately is, if what happened was wrong, how does one make it right? how do we both heal? And if two people who become involved emotionally and then physically, how difficult is it for the person who ends it? What does someone mean when they say, 'I realized a lot about myself that night', I'm somewhat confused about that.

 

 

Everything just sort of happened, randomly meeting each other, spending time getting to know the individual is it wrong that it progressed in such a way? Any feedback is welcome.

 

 

Fooledonce, I'm curious to hear your particular story, I've searched your posts but only see bits and pieces, can you explain a bit about your experience with the affair you were in? Were you aware of it or did it just progress a certain way? What lead to it happening? Why did it end? I also noticed you met your H online, how exactly did that come about? I'd be interested in hearing more.

 

East7, 'I would doubt a lot that she wants to go back with her husband as well, if she was completely done with him, why would she cut you off ?', can you elaborate on that? I'm trying to understand what you meant.

 

Pureinheart, I appreciate all the thoughts and I'm glad you have a perspective that provides some clarity.

 

-FC

Edited November 14, 2010 by FightClub

[East7]

 

East7, 'I would doubt a lot that she wants to go back with her husband as well, if she was completely done with him, why would she cut you off ?', can you elaborate on that? I'm trying to understand what you meant.

 

-FC

 

Sorry if it is a little ambiguous : I wanted to say that I have a feeling that she is going back to her husband. Why would she dumb you? She is separated. There is no obvious reason to end it with you.

[FightClub]

Oh, okay I understand what you are saying now. There may be truth to it or not, I suppose at this point its neither here nor there. It's anyone's guess.

[Owl]

Fightclub, I'd like to give you a different perspective on the situation you've been in. It's a little dated, but it might give you another view to consider.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

The bottom line I see is this...she's made a choice.

 

She knows that the two of you can't go back to being "just friends"...just as my wife couldn't have either.

 

She's made her choice...your best bet at this point is to honor that choice, and walk away.

[FightClub]

Owl,

 

Reading your story, I realize you could very well have been the same husband that my MW was with, I do feel our situations are similar but different but in the end the result is the same.

 

The hardest part of this is accepting that while she and I may have very well been on the same page in terms of what we wanted in life, the actuality is everything that happened should have fundamentally changed her perspective.

 

I'm not saying it's right, I'm only saying that based on what I know and heard, she made a decision that quite frankly will end up worse than where she started and that's not bias towards me, I would have been happy if she met someone else and went from there...but to return to a toxic marriage in hopes of salvation, I don't see it happening.

 

I respect it if she decided that's what she wants but it's just a sad to know the energy I used to give her new idea's, strategies, etc...in the end, she chose to return to it.

 

But again, I know I can't concern myself with the choices she makes, I'm only voicing my thoughts on the subject.

 

Your perspective on this was very interesting and I'm glad to know you were able to find some peace within the insanity at that time in the marriage.

 

As the OM, I know what it feels like to meet someone who you find a unique bond with, I felt bad at first and even let her know that it might be useful to find an even ground with her husband in the beginning but it ended up the same every time; not enough mutual understanding for either side. Oh well.

 

All the best,

 

-FC