Are you ever 100% sure?

[allina]

my Dauhter is 15 and she is so good. She ahs always been an easy child and now as a teen we have had no trouble so far.

 

But I also don't sweat the small stuff like some parents do.She can dye her hair and cut it how she wants, she can listen to whatever music she wants and dress how she wants as long as it fits in with th e school dress code. which basically states you boobs and butt can't be haning out. I have two 1/2 years left until college.

 

Awww, that's great HG. It sounds like you raised her similarly to how my parents raised me. They were very mellow about the "teenage expression" stuff as long as I was respectful and did well in school.

 

Looking back on my teen years, I think that most teens that have a loving, supportive and stable home life do not turn out to be absolute nightmares.

[TaraMaiden]

...

I'm not sure why people on LS have so many problems with their kids. Or maybe I'm just a helluva' lot more tolerant of children and teenagers since I expect them to act up sometimes and when they do, don't think it's a big deal.

 

You've voiced some gripes against some people in your time... like some troublesome neighbours, and their dogs....And you've thought it a big enough deal to consider getting neighbourhood opinions or petitions up about them....

These people were teenagers once, so you may think you've never known a troublesome teenager, but you have.

They're just a bit older.

 

So people - and their actions - affect us all.

No matter how old or young they are.

And these people were children once.

Somebody decided to have them, because..... (why, again?)

 

See my point?

[threebyfate]

You've voiced some gripes against some people in your time... like some troublesome neighbours, and their dogs....And you've thought it a big enough deal to consider getting neighbourhood opinions or petitions up about them....

These people were teenagers once, so you may think you've never known a troublesome teenager, but you have.

They're just a bit older.

 

So people - and their actions - affect us all.

No matter how old or young they are.

And these people were children once.

Somebody decided to have them, because..... (why, again?)

 

See my point?

We're not talking about some stranger's kids. We're talking about our own children. The ones we have the greatest environmental impact on. The ones we can criticize to death or the ones we can raise within a positive environment with a few blips. Guess which type turns out more emotionally healthy, more able to handle life's stresses?

[karaann07]

I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old... I'm STILL not ready! Ha ha ha. No, truly, I don't believe anyone is ever fully ready. It's finances, jobs, sleeping in, going out, travelling... EVERYONE has to give up SOMETHING to become a parent, and it's hard to do that! Both of my pregnancies were surprises. My husband and I had agreed to wait one more year, then begin trying for a baby, and 3 weeks later, we had a positive pregnancy test. I was SO not ready, mentally. Or financially! But if you and your partner have a loving relationship and home, you will sift through it together, and find that the joy AND struggles of an infant can bring you closer together.

 

And the truth is... all those silly, cheesy things that people say like, "I can't imagine my life without my kids!" and "How did I ever enjoy my life before he/she came along?"... they're all true. You think you love your husband now? Wait until you see him as a dad.

[TaraMaiden]

We're not talking about some stranger's kids. We're talking about our own children. The ones we have the greatest environmental impact on. The ones we can criticize to death or the ones we can raise within a positive environment with a few blips. Guess which type turns out more emotionally healthy, more able to handle life's stresses?

 

Ah....

No, you don't see my point.

[allina]

Ah....

No, you don't see my point.

 

TM, I may not completely "get" where you're coming, I suppose I do on paper, though I don't think the idea can be realistically applied to human behavior.

 

I don't think that anyone can dismiss the importance of responsibility when it comes to having children. We might bring kids in to this world for emotional reasons, but people should be appreciated for doing so responsibly. I think TBF does see the point, she brought a child in to a stable and loving home. This child will grown up to be a contributing citizen, and not a burden on society. I'm not sure why your focus isn't more realistic, and on responsibility. The point you're trying to drive home is too philosophical to be applied to a biological and emotional function.

[threebyfate]

Yup, I get it. Just don't think it has any relevance to the point I was making.

[allina]

I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old... I'm STILL not ready! Ha ha ha. No, truly, I don't believe anyone is ever fully ready. It's finances, jobs, sleeping in, going out, travelling... EVERYONE has to give up SOMETHING to become a parent, and it's hard to do that! Both of my pregnancies were surprises. My husband and I had agreed to wait one more year, then begin trying for a baby, and 3 weeks later, we had a positive pregnancy test. I was SO not ready, mentally. Or financially! But if you and your partner have a loving relationship and home, you will sift through it together, and find that the joy AND struggles of an infant can bring you closer together.

 

And the truth is... all those silly, cheesy things that people say like, "I can't imagine my life without my kids!" and "How did I ever enjoy my life before he/she came along?"... they're all true. You think you love your husband now? Wait until you see him as a dad.

 

That's so sweet

 

I think you're right, I'll never be truly ready. I can get ready planning wise, I can have all the things the baby might need, a schedule and a plan, but I'll probably still freak about because I'm terrified of dressing such a tiny person or some other "new" challenge

[TaraMaiden]

TM, I may not completely "get" where you're coming, I suppose I do on paper, though I don't think the idea can be realistically applied to human behavior.

 

I don't think that anyone can dismiss the importance of responsibility when it comes to having children. We might bring kids in to this world for emotional reasons, but people should be appreciated for doing so responsibly. I think TBF does see the point, she brought a child in to a stable and loving home. This child will grown up to be a contributing citizen, and not a burden on society. I'm not sure why your focus isn't more realistic, and on responsibility. The point you're trying to drive home is too philosophical to be applied to a biological and emotional function.

 

no, it's not, but the solutions are too radical to contemplate, because it means incurring damage and control.

My point is, that people like you, TbF, sb129 and me, while discursively and articulately prevalent on a forum such as this - are in the minority it seems, because less, shall we say....'sensible' people, are creating dysfunctional and socially irresponsible families.

If you can call them that.

 

see this link.

And people like our children, are going to have to cope with that.

because Politics, Education and Medicine have created this problem, but will do nothing to address their cock-ups.

 

If this isn't 'realistic', I don't know what is.

[threebyfate]

The better the foundation laid by parents, the easier our children's lives will be. There will always be dysfunctionals and crazy people in this world. As long as our children are secure inside with solid cores of who they are, the rest aren't going to have much effect on them.

[allina]

no, it's not, but the solutions are too radical to contemplate, because it means incurring damage and control.

My point is, that people like you, TbF, sb129 and me, while discursively and articulately prevalent on a forum such as this - are in the minority it seems, because less, shall we say....'sensible' people, are creating dysfunctional and socially irresponsible families.

If you can call them that.

 

see this link.

And people like our children, are going to have to cope with that.

because Politics, Education and Medicine have created this problem, but will do nothing to address their cock-ups.

 

If this isn't 'realistic', I don't know what is.

 

Possibly not unrealistic, but more out of our hands.

 

For the most part, I can only control how I live my life and how I take responsibility for anyone I bring in to this world.

 

Peggy-Sue-welfare will have 6 kids with who knows who regardless of my actions. The best we can do is to raise our children responsibly and support/vote for causes that do not reward irresponsible behavior.

[TaraMaiden]

This is a classic case of telling a Truth, and then being damned for it....

 

However, today I experienced an episode that prompted me to speak.

 

Young mother, probably not more than 18 or 19, in a crowded store qith a (possibly) 2-year-old little boy kicking up stink, screaming at the top of his lungs, beiong totally un-co-operative, truculent and beastly, and genearlly making a really dreadful scene.

She spoke to him, repeating herself, quietly and calmly.

"Sit down, sit down, keep still, we're going home, that's enough...calm down, calm down...sit properly...."

Then she held him in his push-chair with one hand, he all the while screaming fit to burst, and hitting her.... And she strapped him in, and walked out.

I followed her.

She had stopped, red-faced and obviously somewhat agitated, although she had a calm exterior.

I approached her, and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"I just want you to know I saw all that, and you acted absolutely perfectly. What you did was bang-on, and I think you did everything beautifully and handled it really well."

 

She burst into tears.

"I don't know what to do any more" she cried....

"He's driving me mad...."

 

But she thanked me, and I got the impression she felt relieved that someone had actually acknowledged her difficulty.

I continued,

"It's an unpaid, full-time job and a thankless task, and they know exactly which buttons to push, and they will push you to your limit, because they can."

She nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Thank you", she repeated, "I'm just going to take him home...."

 

"Do that, " I agreed, "and when you get home, take him out of his pushchair, put him on the floor in the sitting room, let him be, and go make yourself a good cup of tea. Make him safe, but ignore him, let him vent, and then, after a while, let him come to you. Pay no attention to him Ignore him.

You'll be fine, you did really well....."

 

She thanked me again, and smiled, agreeing to do that.

 

It's so hard being a young mum.

But she did so well.....

[PandorasBox]

I do not have any children. Although I'm sure I want kids one day but need to findhe right guy first. I knew a woman once years ago who actually had kids (several) to prove she could, not that she actually wanted them. I do not get that at all.

[pablopedro]

I think people want to assume they have control over everything and that's their right. But unless you lock your kids up in your own house, the rest of their world also makes them who they are. Their friends play a role. Their schools. Their activities. Their extended family. And even a well adjusted kind kid might have to deal with bullies, bad kids, bad adults, etc.

 

You can't hide your kids from the world or you'll be creating one of those kids who has no clue how to deal with the world.

 

And being a parent does change your life. People who say it doesn't really didn't spend much time around their kids. To the OP, You want to still go kayaking and do other things that aren't kid friendly. You don't want your kids to change your life. That makes sense. But it's not always a reality.

 

Going for a hike or swim or boat ride for a few hours is one thing, going away for the weekend is another. Especially when the kid is under five years old. And then once the kid is over five, some want to play soccer, swim, run, play tennis, dance, ballet, golf, etc. Who do you think takes kids to these events?

 

Of course you can hire a nanny, send your kids to daycare, send your kids off with the other parents during these events so you have your free time. But then how are you really sure these outside influences aren't shaping your childs lives? Hint. They are.

 

Having children is wonderful. It changes you. You learn things about them and yourself you never knew existed. You don't know how you'd live without them. But don't kid yourself into thinking it's always wonderful, it's always a blessing and that they'll turn out exactly like you planned. Remember, kids grow up to be teenagers with their own opinions. They grow up to be adults with their own minds. And while you play the most important part, don't fool yourself into thinking their friends, their teachers, their environment, and the rest of the world don't play a part.

 

Sometimes parents cant' accept the fact that their children aren't little angels. They cant' accept that they are different. They cant' accept that their children are their own beings. They might be great well adjusted kind human beings who are out to save the world, but it doesn't mean they do everything you like or everything you wanted. Sometimes what makes your child happy isn't something that makes you smile or happy. And that's just the life of a parent.

 

You do change forever. And while you need to keep time for yourself, have hobbies, and make time for your significant other, it's a bad idea to assume everything you do now you'll still be able to do. It's just not realistic. The only people who do everything they used to do when they had no children, are the people who send their kids off to daycare 10 hours a day after the kids six months old. And do you really expect what you tell your child a few hours a day right before bed is going to shape them more than the other 10 hours they spent with other kids and adults? Hint..You're fooling yourself if you think that.

[tinktronik]

You know, I spent at least 5 years considering wether or not to have another baby. I have 3 boys from my first marriage and my ex took primary custody of them when we divorced many years ago.

 

I enjoy being a mother. I find children to be fun, enriching and I truly enjoy every aspect of parenting. I like children. The situation with custody left me feeling unfulfilled and quite torn being at best a "part-time mom"; not by my own choice, but that is the reality. I felt by having another child I would somehow be "replacing my children" with a second family, or betraying them in some way. So for many years I have given everything I am allowed to my existing children with as much possible contact as I can get and I continue to do so.

 

Finally, I decided that "part time parenting" only was not something that I found to be "actual parenting" and was not the same thing as raising my child, I accepted that this was what I would be getting from my life with my existing children and came to terms with it.

 

Then I thought long and hard (for several years) about what life I wanted and what I have to offer to my child that I could have a more active role in parenting and what I could receive and give to my existing children and my "theoretical child" with the way all of our existing arrangements are. I decided in the last year that I was in fact ready and dedicated to my existing children's lives and creating a new life. I am due this spring with baby X. I am excited and very happy with my choice. I have made sure that I could both raise this child, maintain my obligations to my boys (wether or not I was alone or in a relationship) and could provide happiness and enrichment to all of my children's lives.

 

It was so much more difficult to decide this go round on a baby. Allina, you need to make sure that before you have children you are SURE you want them. If there is any trepidation, wait and think it over some more. The only thing you can do is make up your mind or let time run out (and that in effect is making up your mind). Think about what you could and would be willing to offer to your child.

[allina]

Allina, you need to make sure that before you have children you are SURE you want them. If there is any trepidation, wait and think it over some more. The only thing you can do is make up your mind or let time run out (and that in effect is making up your mind). Think about what you could and would be willing to offer to your child.

 

I'm starting to think a baby might not be in my future.

 

I know that my H and I would be amazing parents, I know that. But, time is running out for me, and I'm not ready yet

[sb129]

Allina, seriously? Don't get freaked out by this thread. Time isn't running out- you aren't 30 yet am I right? You will probably never feel 100% "ready", but if you aren't ready right now don't put pressure on yourself.

 

I had WB at 32, and am still planning on having another one, hopefully before I am 35.

 

If you think you will be great parents, (and you will be) you SHOULD have children. The world needs more healthy people. And your kids will be so gorgeous with the combo of you and your Hs genes.

[tinktronik]

I'm starting to think a baby might not be in my future.

 

I know that my H and I would be amazing parents, I know that. But, time is running out for me, and I'm not ready yet

 

I sounds as if you are putting the appropriate amount of thought into this decision. How old are you?

[allina]

Allina, seriously? Don't get freaked out by this thread. Time isn't running out- you aren't 30 yet am I right? You will probably never feel 100% "ready", but if you aren't ready right now don't put pressure on yourself.

 

I had WB at 32, and am still planning on having another one, hopefully before I am 35.

 

If you think you will be great parents, (and you will be) you SHOULD have children. The world needs more healthy people. And your kids will be so gorgeous with the combo of you and your Hs genes.

 

I sounds as if you are putting the appropriate amount of thought into this decision. How old are you?

 

I'm 27. I will be 28 in just over 4 months. I just feel like time is flying by so quickly. Each year passes me by faster and faster, I wish I could grab life and slow it down. I would LOVE to have a baby with my amazing H but I don't want to rush it, yet at the same time I'm like "omg it will be too late soon!!!"

 

I rationally know that I have time. If someone asked me if 35 was too old to have a baby I would say that it isn't. But when it comes to me I feel like time is passing me by. Maybe I'm crazy I do always get a little crazy each year when I get another year older.

 

edit- and I agree those would be some beautiful kids

[sb129]

Whew girlfriend, take a deep breath and chill!

 

You are one of the most rational people on here but that last post wasn't your usual style. Omg!!!!

 

I hadn't even met my H at your age, so heaps of time for you. There is NO rush while you are in your 20s/early 30s.

Get a dog, its good practice for a baby.

 

Time does go fast though- it feels like yesterday that WB was this tiny helpless little babe in arms, and now she is walking everywhere babbling away and getting up to mischief (some of which includes annoying the poor dog)!

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm starting to think a baby might not be in my future.

 

I know that my H and I would be amazing parents, I know that. But, time is running out for me, and I'm not ready yet

 

You have plenty of time, time isnt running out yet. IMO you shouldnt be worrying about it while youre confused. if it isnt a yes, its a no.

 

BUT, if you have doubts of raising a kid, then dont do it. Dont succumb to the pressure from everyone else asking you dopey questions. If they ask why, its none of their business. This is your life, not theirs. Most people disappear when you need help with kids anyways.

 

At some point you may wake up one day and say "i dont know what my deal was before, but now I REALLY am itching to have a baby". THATS when you go all in.

 

Wait until youre completely sure its a YES. If you wind up never truly really wanting kids, dont worry about it, theres no shame in that.

[tinktronik]

I'm 27. I will be 28 in just over 4 months. I just feel like time is flying by so quickly. Each year passes me by faster and faster, I wish I could grab life and slow it down. I would LOVE to have a baby with my amazing H but I don't want to rush it, yet at the same time I'm like "omg it will be too late soon!!!"

 

I rationally know that I have time. If someone asked me if 35 was too old to have a baby I would say that it isn't. But when it comes to me I feel like time is passing me by. Maybe I'm crazy I do always get a little crazy each year when I get another year older.

 

edit- and I agree those would be some beautiful kids

You have sooo much time left. Although I had my boys young (19,20 and 22) I did not feel and real imperative to have a child until 30. You have plenty of time to be sure and it will go fast but no so fast you'll miss your window if your thinking about it.

[Eddie Edirol]

You have plenty of time to be sure and it will go fast but not so fast you'll miss your window if your thinking about it.

 

This is what I meant to say..Im not this eloquent... if youre worried about missing your window youre not, im sure the baby bug will hit you by the time youre 31, and if you still dont want babies by then, then dont have them. better to not than have them and regret it.