feeling insecure about my relationship

[swtbonita]

This is my first time writing a post.. so here goes

 

I'm 23 and I have been seeing a great guy for over two years.. 5 months into our relationship I found out he went out with a girl he met online. Which I found out through an email she wrote him. i confronted both of them and they both said thats all that happened nothing more.. the girl also said that my bf told her alot about me..

 

Now here's my problem, even a year and a half after this event.. I am still very jealous and worried.. I am always wondering in my bf talks to other girls online.

 

Me and my bf have a great relationship we talk all the time, i know where he is at all times because he lives with his family and if he's not with them he's with me or at work. He doesn't go out with friends anymore on the weekends for over a year because of me, and how insecure I am.. he doesn't go to clubs, his friends call tell him he's whipped, or they tell everyone he is figuratively married to me... I know I have nothing to worry about, I know he's not cheating.. But I still have this doubt in my head.. And i don't know how to get rid of it..

 

One thing that bugs me alot is that he doesn't want to tell me his password because he thinks i should trust him and that he doesn't like people prying into his stuff... and if I have his phone he always gives me comments like "looking for girls numbers?".. And also he's going away this weekend to another state with his friends... which they go every few years and it bugs me because before me he went to see a girl there that he met online.. I get worried because i don't want to be hurt..

 

so am I paranoid? Is it logical for me to feel insecure? Is it unrealistic for him to withhold his password because he wants me to trust him more? And is it unrealistic to tell him that it bugs me when he goes out of state? It's really frustrating to me because if he's not doing anything, and I know he isn't doing anything.. why can't he be more understanding of my feelings? And why can't he just communicate more about it because he just wants to forget the past because he gets really emotional when he talks about what happened in the beginning of our relationship.. he just doesn't like it when i talk about my insecurities

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by swtbonita

He doesn't go out with friends anymore on the weekends for over a year because of me, and how insecure I am.

This is not right. You need to reassess your roles in the relationship.

One thing that bugs me alot is that he doesn't want to tell me his password because he thinks i should trust him and that he doesn't like people prying into his stuff.

&

Is it unrealistic for him to withhold his password because he wants me to trust him more?

DAMN straight! Listen, give the guy some privacy.

why can't he be more understanding of my feelings?

Because your feelings are out of line, I'm surprised he hasn't left yet. I don't mean to be rude, but you must be extremely attractive for him to even put up with all this crap, I mean seriously, you can't have a healthy relationship if you can't trust the guy you're with.

 

I get worried because i don't want to be hurt.

This is the crux of the issue. You don't want to get hurt, so you're afraid of trusting him. Part of a meaningful relationship is a feeling of vulnerability and trust. If you can't invest yourself, how dare you expect him to do the same? If his past relationships with girls online makes it so that you cannot trust him, do him a favor and break up with him.

 

No trust = No relationship.

[Dejin]

Dyer is right. Trust is key in all relationships.

 

If he wishes to keep his password secret, that is perfectly understandable. To feel hurt over this is causing unnecessary grief and burden.

 

To keep him pinned down and caged from fun activities is not healthy, for you or him. When one partner unreasonably restricts another, usually the relationship does not last. I am sorry you have insecurites. But you must overcome them or he will eventually leave you. Most likely your relationship would end with his lines being "I need to find myself" or "I just need some time alone".

 

"Why can't he be more understanding of my feelings?"

 

Look at what he has done for you, even things you did not state in this forum. Do you honestly think he does not understand your feelings? He is sacrificing a lot for you. If anything, you should be more understanding of his feelings.

 

You only have a right to be paranoid if he has done something to cause paranoia. Yes, he made that mistake with the online girl. But you said it yourself he gets emotional when you bring it up. So, in my opinion, he regrets hurting you. In which case, you have nothing to worry about.

 

So, do not stress because he is going out of state, or because he doesn't want to reveal his password. Give him credit for what he does do for you. Acknowledge it, and embrace what you have before you lose it.

[moimeme]

Being mistrusted is extremely hurtful. Ever think that maybe you're hurting him?

[sami]

You need to look deep into yourself first before you start to accuse others. It is an issue of both confidence and trust. Build your own self esteem and everything will be fine.

[tac719]

You need to start looking inward at yourself. You will drive a perfectly loving man away from you with your lack of trust. Check out my old posts regarding my wife. This is the road you are heading down. Is that what you want??

[swtbonita]

thanks for all your replies they help alot..

But one thing I want to say is that I don't tell my bf about my insecurities.. i tell him he should go out with friends but he says he rather stay with me.. and he does see them either at soccer practice or when i tell him we should go see his friends.. and the only reason i ask him for his password for his email.. is because if i'm go on to my email he will ask me for my password, and he will want to see my emails.. So yeah if he asks me for my password i'll tell him no not if he doesn't want to tell me his..

 

I realize i have insecurities.. but it seems unfair because he also bugs me about it alot.. he seems to throw my insecurities in my face.. like I'll say "you're going to have fun when you go away for the weekend".. and he'll say "yeah with all the girls".. and then he'll look at me waiting to say something to him.. and I just look away.. Or like i told him I have plans with my friends and he'll keep asking where i'm going and what i'm doing.. or if i go out with my friends he tells me to call him when i get home...

 

I never accuse him of cheating.. i never get angry at him.. I don't pester him about it.. we don't fight at all.. but he knows I have these insecurities even though i don't mention it to him.. i know i have to build my self-esteem but I don't limit him or tell him what to do.. i never told him he couldn't go out of state... I just want to know how to deal with myself, my insecurities.. which i don't verbalize to him..

[NatoPMT]

you need to start communicating with him, honestly and openly. it sounds like you are both withholding information which is being manifested in you wanting to know his password and him making taunts at you.

[swtbonita]

well just to tell you everyone.. me and my bf talked it out, about him going out of state and him taunting me and my insecurities. Everything is great. I;m not worried about him out of state.. I trust him.. I know he loves me... I really think this is good for us, it'll bring us closer together...

[SUNBURN]

IN YOUR FIRST RESPONSE TO ALL THE COMMENTS YOU SAID THAT YOU HIDE YOUR INSECURITIES FROM HIM. WELL I THINK THOSE THINGS ARE HARD TO HIDE. I HAVE MY OWN INSECURITIES THAT I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH, AND I NOW REALISE THAT PARTNERS HAVE A 6TH SENSE ABOUT EACH OTHER SO HE KNOWS AND HE FEELS IT. EVEN THOUGH YOU TRY TO HIDE THEM.