Would you be o.k. with this?

[TiredSue]

I need a reality check. Is this normal? Would you be o.k. with it?

 

My husband has started going out to bars on Fridays with former co-workers (male and female, married and single) a couple of times a month. He doesn't drink but says everyone else gets absolutely wasted by the end of the night. He says it's just a bunch of friends getting together, nothing to worry about.

 

Tonight he was gone from 6 till midnight. He was totally normal when he came home, said goodnight, gave me a kiss, all of that.

 

I haven't told him that I'm bothered by it, but I'm sure he can tell. I haven't told him not to do it. I don't want to be like a prison warden of a wife. On the other hand, it DOES bother me, and I know he can tell. And I can't stop myself from asking snotty questions afterward - about who was there and what they did and why he was out for six hours.

 

Logically, I think - he has the right to go out with a bunch of friends.

 

But then there is the jealous irrational part of me that hates the fact that there are attractive women from his work there. There is a jealous part of me that says WHY does he need to go hang out in bars with these people for SIX HOURS? There is a jealous part of me that says, hey, Mike brought his wife along, why can't I come?

 

He's never done this in the past. He hasn't been happy lately so I've actually encouraged him to develop some hobbies and interests and get some friends, but it bothers me that there are other women there.

 

What do you think? Do I need to just chill out? Or is this inappropriate? Or???? Any feedback/reality checks would be welcomed.

[sb129]

Its only a couple of times a month- guys need guy time.

 

You could always ask if you could go along once or twice.

[USCGAviator]

If I were you I would plan fun nights for just the two of you and give you both a chance to reconnect as a couple.

 

I'm not saying your relationship is bad or anything but maybe you both can work on some communication and some good quality time together out doing fun things might be just the medicine.

 

Then in return you may be rewarded with him insisting you go out with him to the fri night socials and also not feel like a warden

 

just a thought

[hopesndreams]

He has a history of cheating so there is NO WAY you should be OK with what he has been doing.

 

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it.

 

Investigate.

 

If you aren't able to tag along, like the other wives do, then good chance he is hiding something/someone.

 

What personality changes have you noticed?

[Minnie09]

I would invite myself, at least occasionally.

Plus, get your own friends together and go out yourself. I don't know if that's an option, because I don't know whether you have young kids and babysitters available, but it's just an idea. You should have equal rights.

How long have you guys been married?

Somebody mentioned cheating. How long ago?

Has that issue been resolved?

[DaisyLeigh]

I would not like it at all. There is no need for a married guy, who has cheated in the past, to go out every Friday and hang out in a bar with singles and people getting wasted for six hours. Just my opinion.

[worlybear]

.....Give him a length of string and watch him tie it into knots of lies.

You have every right to be anxious- this sounds extremely suspicious. Call him out on it a.s.a.p. for your own peace of mind.

At least you'll get some type of closure!

[Woggle]

There is nothing wrong with this whatsoever. I hang out in bars all the time and I never cheat. Being around attractive women also is no big deal. The world is filled with attractive women and if a man wants to cheat he will cheat.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wouldn't take away his freedom to hang out with friends but because he is a married man with a wife at home, I do think you have a right to tell him to get home early. I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not cheating, but I haven't seen many married people still staying out until the early hours of the morning. At least not when they have an SO at home.

 

The plan of action- You give a little but you also take a little. Draw .boundaries and stick to convictions. If you disapprove of his behavior tell him to limit his bar time to twice or thrice a month.

[Woggle]

In the summer I sometimes don't come home until 3:00 am. Being out until midnight is no big deal.

[xpaperxcutx]

In the summer I sometimes don't come home until 3:00 am. Being out until midnight is no big deal.

Well, we're not talking about you. Obviously we do not know how your wife feels, but the OP in this case is extremely upset with her husband.

 

In a relationship, there need be compromises. This is one. If the OP's husband cares about her, he wouldn't object to it.

[whichwayisup]

Just read some of your other posts...No, I wouldn't be okay with it at all.

 

Your H has issues with handling money. He freelances, yet isn't really working. You are paying the bills, and seems very immature. HE is acting like a teen!

 

Also, it's obvious that the EA he had still is affecting you. I'm sure you wonder if "she" is part of this drinking gang.

 

Has he ever asked you to come along?

 

Anyway, you two need to sit and talk. Tell him how you feel and why.

[Woggle]

If he cheated in the past I can understand why she feels the way she does but in and of itself I see nothing wrong with this. Sometimes during the summer I am out on the boardwalk way late into the night and my wife sees no issue with it.

[whichwayisup]

If he cheated in the past I can understand why she feels the way she does but in and of itself I see nothing wrong with this. Sometimes during the summer I am out on the boardwalk way late into the night and my wife sees no issue with it.

 

Yes, he cheated on her in the past, though there was no proof of a physical affair.. Seems it all got swept under the rug. Plus the guy has responsibility issues, can't make car payments, forgets to pay the bills, claims he has no money, is resentful that SHE is the stable person workin full time as well as being a mom. So, yeah, she has a right to wonder and feel concerned of what he is really is up to, even more so since he isn't working.

 

Big difference between going out with a gang of people "sometimes" and every Friday night.

[sb129]

Just read some of your other posts...No, I wouldn't be okay with it at all.

 

Your H has issues with handling money. He freelances, yet isn't really working. You are paying the bills, and seems very immature. HE is acting like a teen!

 

Also, it's obvious that the EA he had still is affecting you. I'm sure you wonder if "she" is part of this drinking gang.

 

Has he ever asked you to come along?

 

Anyway, you two need to sit and talk. Tell him how you feel and why.

 

This puts a different spin on things.

 

I wouldn't be OK with it under these circumstances.

 

You do need to talk.

[xxoo]

I don't think it matters much what other couples think is ok or not in terms of how many hours, or how late, is ok to go out. Every couple is different, of course.

 

What is more universal is the need to feel comfortable communicating openly with your partner. You say:

 

Logically, I think - he has the right to go out with a bunch of friends.

 

But then there is the jealous irrational part of me that hates the fact that there are attractive women from his work there. There is a jealous part of me that says WHY does he need to go hang out in bars with these people for SIX HOURS? There is a jealous part of me that says, hey, Mike brought his wife along, why can't I come?

 

So why don't you have that conversation with him? Warden is "I don't like it, so don't do it." But human wife with feelings is, "I'm really glad you have this time with friends, but I also get really jealous about _________. Can you reassure me?" As long as you admit "yeah, know I'm jealous. Still, it feels rotten and I need some help working through it," you aren't being a warden. How he responds might reveal a lot about his feelings and trustworthiness (does he empathize with you or dismiss you? is he communicative or defensive?).

 

What kind of marriage do you have if you can not communicate your feelings?

[InternationalPlayboy]

I don't have time to go through and read other threads, but I didn't see anything in the original post about previous infidelity by her husband.

 

I go out for a drink or two with friends and without my wife maybe once a month or so. I love my wife and she loves me but we both agree that we need some space and fun away from the other occasionally. I feel this is a vital part of our relationship - time apart. Because if we were honestly around each other all the time she'd probably kill me or vice versa.

 

Likewise, I see no reason why you couldn't tag along next time he goes out. Or if that's not possible, just ask him to be home earlier: 9 p.m., 10 p.m. But don't put a curfew on it because that would just be lame. Just say "earlier...I have to be up early etc etc etc."

[goingstrong]

 

He's never done this in the past. He hasn't been happy lately so I've actually encouraged him to develop some hobbies and interests and get some friends, but it bothers me that there are other women there.

 

 

Based on the OP and not what the responders have said about her history, I would have to ask her

 

Well which one do you want? Do you want to tell him how and what friends and hobbies to do as well? I have the same situation, but it is my wife who needs to get a life of her own. If she were to do the same, I would be curious as well since I am the 51% in the relationship, but you have to let them out and trust them every once in a while.

Edited November 17, 2010 by goingstrong

[martini-mae]

No cheating in my household - BUT

If my husband came how at that hour I'd be pissed too.

Happy hour is one thing but out that late without your wife is just downright disrespectful. (IMO)

You say there are couples there too. Why doesn't he ask you to come along? Why aren't you asking to come along?

 

Yes, you have a right to be pissed.

 

It's one thing if it's a special occasion to come home at that ungodly hour, but just hanging with work people - hardly acceptable for a married man without his wife, in my book

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband has started going out to bars on Fridays with former co-workers (male and female, married and single) a couple of times a month. He doesn't drink but says everyone else gets absolutely wasted by the end of the night. He says it's just a bunch of friends getting together, nothing to worry about.

If it's married and single people of both sexes, why aren't you there? If there are responsibilities at home that keep you from going, why isn't he sharing those?

 

For most couples with kids, jobs, etc., 6 hours a week might be most or all of the free time they have. Doesn't all need to be spent together, but his allocation seems inappropriate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ColdFox]

OP can you clarify some of the stuff people have brought up here? It really changes the picture.

 

If I was married to a man who had shown he was not trustworthy, of course I would not trust him out late in bars with other women.

[Woggle]

No cheating in my household - BUT

If my husband came how at that hour I'd be pissed too.

Happy hour is one thing but out that late without your wife is just downright disrespectful. (IMO)

You say there are couples there too. Why doesn't he ask you to come along? Why aren't you asking to come along?

 

Yes, you have a right to be pissed.

 

It's one thing if it's a special occasion to come home at that ungodly hour, but just hanging with work people - hardly acceptable for a married man without his wife, in my book

 

So couples are supposed to be attached at the hip? Also when is midnight that late? Things are just getting started at that time in these parts. I am sympathetic to the OP because of the history of cheating but for the most part this sounds like a typical wife trying to put the leash on her husband. I wonder how things would be if the genders were reversed.

[TiredSue]

Thanks for all of the replies and advice and support. I'm sorry for posting and then disappearing. Two of my kids have had croup, so time on the computer has been NIL.

 

Yes - my husband had an EA with a co-worker - let's call her Jane - thousands of texts, FB chatting, lunches together - but I think I discovered it before it went too far. I think. Who knows really. It pretty much killed my trust.

 

When I discovered the EA I packed him a bag and told him to get out. He wanted to stay, so he stopped. He told her they couldn't be in contact (although he didn't let me see an official NC letter), defriended her, and switched to an office closer to home. I thought it was behind us.

 

I haven't been able to shake a feeling that something is up, so today I logged into his FB account. He is no longer Jane's FB friend, but he is friends with Mary, who is Jane's FB friend. Mary was one of the people at the get together last Friday. Lo and behold, last Saturday morning Jane posted on Mary's wall about how much fun she'd had the night before. So basically my husband went out to a party at a bar with the woman he had his EA with, hung out with her, and then lied about it.

 

I confronted him when he got home from work - asked him straight out if Jane had been there. He said no. I asked him if Jane and Mary knew each other. He said no. I asked him if he was telling me the truth, he said yes. I said, "You might want to think real carefully about if you're telling the truth." He said again that he wasn't lying. So then I told him that a) Jane and Mary are friends according to all of the "love ya girl" stuff on Mary's FB wall, and that b) she posted about being there, and c) would he like to rethink his answer. Only THEN did he admit it.

 

I'm so mad I'm just shaking, but I don't even want to engage him. Talking accomplishes nothing. I don't even know what to say to him. I feel numb.

[whichwayisup]

I am so sorry for your pain!

 

confronted him when he got home from work - asked him straight out if Jane had been there. He said no. I asked him if Jane and Mary knew each other. He said no. I asked him if he was telling me the truth, he said yes. I said, "You might want to think real carefully about if you're telling the truth." He said again that he wasn't lying. So then I told him that a) Jane and Mary are friends according to all of the "love ya girl" stuff on Mary's FB wall, and that b) she posted about being there, and c) would he like to rethink his answer. Only THEN did he admit it.

 

There's alot more going on than you realize and he's been lying, betraying, fooling you for a while now.

 

He is going to now go into defensive mode. He knows he's been busted and 'm betting his mind is in overdrive, trying to figure out his story.

 

I usually don't tell people this, but GET HIM OUT of the house. Tell him to pack a bag and go stay with "Jane" or crash on Mary's couch. You don't have to do anything (separate/divorce) yet, but right now he HAS to suffer consquences. Getting him out gives YOU control. IF he wants back in, no contact, delete his facebook completely, you get passwords to everything, cells, etc. Marriage counselling, individual and together. No more hanging out with the "gang" on Friday nights, or whenever he feels like it.

 

He has taken advantage of your kindness. He isn' working, you're footing the bill, taking care of the kids and he's out partying it up, spending money, cheating on you.

 

Don't let him manipulate you, gaslight you. Listen to your gut!!!

[hopesndreams]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

You have all you need now to make a decision. For the sake of your children, yourself and your sanity---pack his bags.

 

This will bring about 2 possible outcomes. He leaves and never looks back OR he will be remorseful, completely transparent and beg your forgiveness.

 

Anything else in between is a waste of your life.