Would you be o.k. with this?

[hoping2heal]

I need a reality check. Is this normal? Would you be o.k. with it?

 

My husband has started going out to bars on Fridays with former co-workers (male and female, married and single) a couple of times a month. He doesn't drink but says everyone else gets absolutely wasted by the end of the night. He says it's just a bunch of friends getting together, nothing to worry about.

 

Tonight he was gone from 6 till midnight. He was totally normal when he came home, said goodnight, gave me a kiss, all of that.

 

I haven't told him that I'm bothered by it, but I'm sure he can tell. I haven't told him not to do it. I don't want to be like a prison warden of a wife. On the other hand, it DOES bother me, and I know he can tell. And I can't stop myself from asking snotty questions afterward - about who was there and what they did and why he was out for six hours.

 

Logically, I think - he has the right to go out with a bunch of friends.

 

But then there is the jealous irrational part of me that hates the fact that there are attractive women from his work there. There is a jealous part of me that says WHY does he need to go hang out in bars with these people for SIX HOURS? There is a jealous part of me that says, hey, Mike brought his wife along, why can't I come?

 

He's never done this in the past. He hasn't been happy lately so I've actually encouraged him to develop some hobbies and interests and get some friends, but it bothers me that there are other women there.

 

What do you think? Do I need to just chill out? Or is this inappropriate? Or???? Any feedback/reality checks would be welcomed.

 

To be honest, the first thing I thought was yeah..Mike's wife is there so why can't you come?!

 

It would bother me, although we have learned that passive aggressive is a destructive force and we both do our best not to resort to it. So, there would be no "he knows, but I won't say it." When something bothers me? I certainly say it and vice versa. We have a rule that runs both ways with boundaries. Neither of us spend time with the opposite sex alone. I don't have the slightest problem in the world with this. Frankly, I'm not real big on having some other guy be my confidant to begin with. There are women for that, and I want MY guy to be my shoulder, not some other dude.

 

This works fine for us because we both see this issue the exact same way. Neither one of us feels constricted or limited by it.

 

Again though, I am back to wondering why you cannot also come with.

[hoping2heal]

Sue,

 

I have just read the other part of the thread. I am so sorry for your pain. I knew something was fishy when you mentioned that you do not at least get invited to come with. Clearly, honesty is not a value of his. I do not think you want, nor do you deserve to spend your life worrying about when he is going to lie next. Obviously, we are merely people on a message board however I do think you need to have some space from this man right now.

 

I think he learned after the last EA that he could pull this and you would still stay.

 

You deserve someone who dotes on you and cherishes you. Not someone who considers you an object he must juggle around to get what he wants.

Edited November 21, 2010 by hoping2heal

[hoping2heal]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

You have all you need now to make a decision. For the sake of your children, yourself and your sanity---pack his bags.

 

This will bring about 2 possible outcomes. He leaves and never looks back OR he will be remorseful, completely transparent and beg your forgiveness.

 

Anything else in between is a waste of your life.

 

I agree. It could be possible he would be remorseful but transparent yes!! He should have NEVER been taking off to the bar after having an emotional affair. It just should not have ever happened, just like you should not had been excluded from seeing the letter he wrote to the other woman, Jane.

 

Why on earth would you feel like a prison ward, anyhow? None of this should have been going in the wake of an affair. How did he react to you? Did he ever make you feel like the way you were acting was "crossing the line" or being controlling? How did he handle the idea of transparency post affair, or was this never discussed at all?

 

Should the two of you decide to work on the marriage, transparency MUST be talked about and boundaries most certainly should be set.

[Brandi 2]

I read your first two sentances and can tell you NO FREAKING WAY. BTDT and don't ever want to go there again!