a bit of a weird one!

[jane]

Hi,

 

I'm writing this to ask some advice to anyone who has a good answer/suggestion - so please feel free to comment! (any comments from Tony would be really, really appreciated!)

 

I've been in quite a few relationships - none of which have lasted. I'm glad that they did because looking back, none of them were really right for me, but there is one problem that I seem to be experiencing, which I can't seem to do anything about. I know this may sound funny, but when I am in a relationship - even if I really care about the person - I can't help but put this barrier up. It's almost like I'm too independant to get too emotionally envolved. I know it sounds wierd but mostly all of the guys that I've dated have said the same thing - that I put an invisible barrier up (emotionally), and I'm too independant, and won't let them come too close. I've got quite a strong personality ( I probably come across as quite opinionated), and I am quite confident (which does tend to attract weak men), but inside I'm wondering what it is/could be that is making me keep on putting up these barriers. I can't remember having a really, really bad experience that would make me feel this way.

 

I desire a close relationship with the right person, but I don't want this to stop it. What shall I do?

[Aria]

This isn't a weird problem at all. I kind of experience the same thing, but I wouldn't call myself as confident and independent as you consider yourself to be. I think the reason we do this has to do with the fact that none of our previous relationships have worked out, and when that happens, it hurts. So when you're in a situation where there's a possibility of something forming, you push it away because you're scared of being hurt again. The only thing you can do is keep trying, because eventually someone will come along who will help you break down that barrier, or keep you from putting it up at all. You just have to know that this is going to happen someday, but be patient with it. Good luck!

Hi, I'm writing this to ask some advice to anyone who has a good answer/suggestion - so please feel free to comment! (any comments from Tony would be really, really appreciated!) I've been in quite a few relationships - none of which have lasted. I'm glad that they did because looking back, none of them were really right for me, but there is one problem that I seem to be experiencing, which I can't seem to do anything about. I know this may sound funny, but when I am in a relationship - even if I really care about the person - I can't help but put this barrier up. It's almost like I'm too independant to get too emotionally envolved. I know it sounds wierd but mostly all of the guys that I've dated have said the same thing - that I put an invisible barrier up (emotionally), and I'm too independant, and won't let them come too close. I've got quite a strong personality ( I probably come across as quite opinionated), and I am quite confident (which does tend to attract weak men), but inside I'm wondering what it is/could be that is making me keep on putting up these barriers. I can't remember having a really, really bad experience that would make me feel this way. I desire a close relationship with the right person, but I don't want this to stop it. What shall I do?

[artlover]

And/or this can be connected to your first relationship with a man (your father). Having an absent or distant or abusive father can contribute to a general distrust of men and/or relationships (even unconsciously). I have that to an extent and I think that's very common (men with their mothers too). It's also very possible that you have a desire on some level to play savior to the men (maybe even the people) in your life so you mostly attract weaker men. OR when it comes down to it, you might not be ready to be in a truly equal relationship with a man who might actually stand up to you due to some authority issues you may have. If your father wasn't around at all or extremely distant, you might resent others controlling you or at least what you perceive as control.

This isn't a weird problem at all. I kind of experience the same thing, but I wouldn't call myself as confident and independent as you consider yourself to be. I think the reason we do this has to do with the fact that none of our previous relationships have worked out, and when that happens, it hurts. So when you're in a situation where there's a possibility of something forming, you push it away because you're scared of being hurt again. The only thing you can do is keep trying, because eventually someone will come along who will help you break down that barrier, or keep you from putting it up at all. You just have to know that this is going to happen someday, but be patient with it. Good luck!

[Tony T]

Aria and Artlover have covered your situation very well. Your defenses could be up for all the reasons they say, from an abusive or neglected childhood experience to protecting yourself against the kinds of hurt you have felt in the past.

 

The only thing I can add, and I think I may be on the mark here, is that you have a need to be in total control of everything in your life, including your emotions. This, too, can stem from childhood or other history. If you hold back and distance yourself so as not to get too close emotionally in relationships, you remain in control.

 

Yes, you do remain in control, but you also lose out on the best life has to offer us while we are on the planet, wonderful, mutual loving relationships that add spice and meaning to our lives. The true mark of what you leave on this planet in your lifetime is not measured by how many sales you make, how much paperwork you do, how much money you make...but how much real love you share with your friends and with someone special in a great romance.

 

Letting some of the defense mechanisms go is a conscious decision you have to make. There are no pills. Perhaps some couselling or psychological therapy could assist you but you are in charge here. Until you have loved with all your heart, you have not loved.

 

Intuitively, I strongly feel that you are extremely weak and vulnerable underneath. You would not have posted here if at some level you didn't yearn for a special loving relationship. Knowing that weakness and vulnerability well, you may have set up these barriers to protect you from what could be worse hurt that others may feel. My experience has been that most people who seem very stern, controlling and independent on the outside are quite different deep down. Hopefully you will get in touch with that part of yourself.

 

Go to your favorite bookstore, buy The Prophet by Kahil Gibran (it's a classic) and read the pages on Love...then go on to friendship, marriage, etc. Read the pages on Love three, four or five times...let the words sink in. If after reading those your life isn't changed, come back and we'll talk some more. (You don't have to actually buy the book...those pages can be read in just a few minutes inside the store. But I do recommend you buy the book...it's a great one...I do not get a commission)

 

I think you've got some excellent responses here so far and hopefully more will be added. Your problem is not unusual.