Those who started NC in last 30 days--how's it going?

[newpriorities]

Hey, sometimes in looking at all of the threads it is difficult to keep track of everyone's stories, but I know there are several of us who have decided NC within the past few weeks. I know that we are all experiencing a range of emotions throughout this process and some of us have already either broken NC or our xAP's have broken NC with us. I was wondering how everyone's journey is going for them, as of TODAY?

For me, as of TODAY, I feel lighter on my feet, but I still feel the weight of sadness. I feel relieved that I am not staring at my blackberry all weekend wondering when (if) I'm going to hear from him. I feel sad () that I "hurt" him by breaking it off (oh boy, I know all of the inserts that belong here) but I also feel really proud of myself. I feel more alive but I feel more numb. I know that time will help and this is a journey but it's rough. My xMM never said he'd leave his wife--I never expected it, not even sure I wanted that from him. I just reached a point where I couldn't live with all of the things that go along with being the OW.

Of course those of you who have come out of this tunnel are also free to respond!

[myname]

I'm only on the 4th day of no contact and it's really hard.

 

I feel terrible, lonely and miserable and have not been able to make myself do anything with my day, barely eaten even.

 

I'm still looking at my phone and mail, it's just such a habit and the day is going so slowly it's my main distraction at the moment.

 

He has contacted a bit, a couple of short emails, a couple of texts, nothing new, nothing that I really have anything to respond to. But it's still hard not to respond. There's such a range of emotions, wanting to explain myself, wanting some comfort from him in whatever form, wanting to be nice to him, wondering if this is the right thing to do, but when it comes down to it I don't really know what I would say, so at least that stops me.

 

I am really struggling with this, only hope is that I can catch up with where you are sometime, well done and good luck.

[4321sn]

NC is totally over for us. I felt better when we weren't talking because I am anxious once again.

 

He says he's leaving and is working towards that. He is in very bad shape at this moment and I am trying to be supportive. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it needs to be all or nothing at this point.

I am so worried about his mental state right now. He is not eating or sleeping. He also has a managable but life long health condition (without being too obvious it is managed through diet and injections). His diet is terrible and he is not taking care of himself.

 

He is working 80 hours a week. Going to MC. Trying to deal with his daughter. Trying to make time for his son and fighting on a daily basis with the W. Last night he fell asleep sitting up on the couch texting me.

 

I love him and I need to find a balance between being supporive and what is best for me.

[newpriorities]

NC is totally over for us. I felt better when we weren't talking because I am anxious once again.

 

He says he's leaving and is working towards that. He is in very bad shape at this moment and I am trying to be supportive. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it needs to be all or nothing at this point.

I am so worried about his mental state right now. He is not eating or sleeping. He also has a managable but life long health condition (without being too obvious it is managed through diet and injections). His diet is terrible and he is not taking care of himself.

 

He is working 80 hours a week. Going to MC. Trying to deal with his daughter. Trying to make time for his son and fighting on a daily basis with the W. Last night he fell asleep sitting up on the couch texting me.

 

I love him and I need to find a balance between being supporive and what is best for me.

 

This is a difficult balance to strike and I wish you well. Way back the day I was a lifeguard and the first thing you learn about rescuing someone is the tremendous risk of double drowning. I learned that to save someone you needed to bring equipment with you (life ring etc) and that you had to protect yourself at all times because what good are you to the drowning person if you yourself drown. I think you know what I'm getting at here--of course this is difficult to do, especially when the drowning person is someone you love. So, try and listen to your instincts as best you can and whatever you do, be so very sure to take care of yourself so that you don't drown too.

[newpriorities]

I'm only on the 4th day of no contact and it's really hard.

 

I feel terrible, lonely and miserable and have not been able to make myself do anything with my day, barely eaten even.

 

I'm still looking at my phone and mail, it's just such a habit and the day is going so slowly it's my main distraction at the moment.

 

He has contacted a bit, a couple of short emails, a couple of texts, nothing new, nothing that I really have anything to respond to. But it's still hard not to respond. There's such a range of emotions, wanting to explain myself, wanting some comfort from him in whatever form, wanting to be nice to him, wondering if this is the right thing to do, but when it comes down to it I don't really know what I would say, so at least that stops me.

 

I am really struggling with this, only hope is that I can catch up with where you are sometime, well done and good luck.

 

I truly understand this--the wanting to somehow continue conversation, even though, as you said, you don't know what you would say. At least it keeps you connected. When I have those moments, I just think to myself...is anything really going to change? And of course the answer is, "probably not" and if it were to change, it would change without me contacting him. I guess my xMM is doing me a favor by letting me go so "easily." It's humiliating to know that he didn't seem to care one way or another, but perhaps that is why it is "easier" for me. I've had those days where I couldn't get out of bed, but then I try, really try to think about how precious even just one day is in life and do I really want to lose that day, THIS DAY, to him? How many people would give so much to have one more day in their lives so....somehow that at least gets me out of bed and trying to live.

Hang in there and take care of yourself

[BB07]

My hope is that all of you find peace and healing.

[steelknife]

Hey, sometimes in looking at all of the threads it is difficult to keep track of everyone's stories, but I know there are several of us who have decided NC within the past few weeks. I know that we are all experiencing a range of emotions throughout this process and some of us have already either broken NC or our xAP's have broken NC with us. I was wondering how everyone's journey is going for them, as of TODAY?

come out of this tunnel are also free to respond!

 

it is 33 days since dday. and twice every two weeks he rang me. the first one i was still numb. i was just glad to hear from him. stupid of me. the second time, i was already cold and distant. i was a wreck still and going through a lot. i had nothing to say. wahtever i wanted to ask and say, i realized it will just be useless. what good will it do to me? the milk has been spilt, game over.

 

i am actually desperate to find out if he is struggling as hard as me. sometimes i thnk he is not, but sometimes i thnk he is. i want to know if it is also as difficult for him as it is for me... but i never asked. or volunteered any information about me. the mere fact he made a choice, then everything makes sense...

 

im very bitter. can you tell?

[4321sn]

This is a difficult balance to strike and I wish you well. Way back the day I was a lifeguard and the first thing you learn about rescuing someone is the tremendous risk of double drowning. I learned that to save someone you needed to bring equipment with you (life ring etc) and that you had to protect yourself at all times because what good are you to the drowning person if you yourself drown. I think you know what I'm getting at here--of course this is difficult to do, especially when the drowning person is someone you love. So, try and listen to your instincts as best you can and whatever you do, be so very sure to take care of yourself so that you don't drown too.

Thank you. Your words make sense and they comfort me

[myname]

it is 33 days since dday. and twice every two weeks he rang me. the first one i was still numb. i was just glad to hear from him. stupid of me. the second time, i was already cold and distant. i was a wreck still and going through a lot. i had nothing to say. wahtever i wanted to ask and say, i realized it will just be useless. what good will it do to me? the milk has been spilt, game over.

 

i am actually desperate to find out if he is struggling as hard as me. sometimes i thnk he is not, but sometimes i thnk he is. i want to know if it is also as difficult for him as it is for me... but i never asked. or volunteered any information about me. the mere fact he made a choice, then everything makes sense...

 

im very bitter. can you tell?

 

I feel very much like that too. It's so hard cos I'm all on my own and having a miserable time, and I know he is with his wife, maybe he is having a miserable time, but in my mind he has her, her company, her comfort and support and I have nothing.

 

I know this is just self pity, but I feel so desperately sad and lonely.

[diormidnightpoison]

It has been five weeks of NC for me. I asked him not to contact me. He wanted to remain friends, have an on line flirt fest, but when my heart would get my hopes up, he would say that he was too happy with me and couldn't be with me (as opposed to his W) because he was always too depressed about his life with her afterward. I feel so abandoned. I really thought he would try to contact me. He hasn't. It feels weird to hear about him from our mutual friends. He has easily jut gotten back into his regular life with his wife. I can't even walk into his building without feeling so sad and alone. I know I asked him not to contact me, but I sometimes wish he would just so i know that he cared once. Feeling more able to focus, but still so sad. ..

[desertIslandCactus]

I feel very much like that too. It's so hard cos I'm all on my own and having a miserable time, and I know he is with his wife, maybe he is having a miserable time, but in my mind he has her, her company, her comfort and support and I have nothing.

 

I know this is just self pity, but I feel so desperately sad and lonely.

 

 

You have Freedom.. If he were so happy he wouldn't have grabbed onto you..

 

These married people latch onto others to fill their lives .. Let them find one another again.

 

Believe me, You have far more options than one inside of a marriage.

[fooled once]

Hey, sometimes in looking at all of the threads it is difficult to keep track of everyone's stories, but I know there are several of us who have decided NC within the past few weeks. I know that we are all experiencing a range of emotions throughout this process and some of us have already either broken NC or our xAP's have broken NC with us. I was wondering how everyone's journey is going for them, as of TODAY?

For me, as of TODAY, I feel lighter on my feet, but I still feel the weight of sadness. I feel relieved that I am not staring at my blackberry all weekend wondering when (if) I'm going to hear from him. I feel sad () that I "hurt" him by breaking it off (oh boy, I know all of the inserts that belong here) but I also feel really proud of myself. I feel more alive but I feel more numb. I know that time will help and this is a journey but it's rough. My xMM never said he'd leave his wife--I never expected it, not even sure I wanted that from him. I just reached a point where I couldn't live with all of the things that go along with being the OW.

Of course those of you who have come out of this tunnel are also free to respond!

 

((hugs new))

 

You are really doing great! I am so happy you are focusing on YOU and making a good life for YOU! Hang in there - it gets easier!

 

I'm only on the 4th day of no contact and it's really hard.

 

I feel terrible, lonely and miserable and have not been able to make myself do anything with my day, barely eaten even.

 

I'm still looking at my phone and mail, it's just such a habit and the day is going so slowly it's my main distraction at the moment.

 

He has contacted a bit, a couple of short emails, a couple of texts, nothing new, nothing that I really have anything to respond to. But it's still hard not to respond. There's such a range of emotions, wanting to explain myself, wanting some comfort from him in whatever form, wanting to be nice to him, wondering if this is the right thing to do, but when it comes down to it I don't really know what I would say, so at least that stops me.

 

I am really struggling with this, only hope is that I can catch up with where you are sometime, well done and good luck.

 

((hugs myname)) Please stay strong. Please don't let him suck you back in. The pain will ease and you will soon find out how much you were missing in life by waiting and waiting.

 

Good luck!

[Wilie]

6 days,.. getting easier every day, changed numbers(Cell and phone), my emails, only thing i havent done is deleted my FB cause she isnt on it.

It sucks, but it is what needs to be done for me to heal. ( Also, stopped talking to Ex-'s family online, cause i know news would filter down to her, so they have all been blocked to )... Do it for your sanity people...

[newpriorities]

6 days,.. getting easier every day, changed numbers(Cell and phone), my emails, only thing i havent done is deleted my FB cause she isnt on it.

It sucks, but it is what needs to be done for me to heal. ( Also, stopped talking to Ex-'s family online, cause i know news would filter down to her, so they have all been blocked to )... Do it for your sanity people...

 

Good for you! Strange to take these drastic measures, isn't it? And yet somehow it cuts some strings. I blocked him on my cell phone (both texts and calls) and set up a filter on my email that sends anything from him directly to the trash. And yet.....I will see him Monday at work. I think it all boils down to regaining some control over ourselves and our lives. Whatever it is we need to do to lead good lives. Funny isn't it? When my A first started I felt so ALIVE! I felt like I had never lived this way before! I never would've imagined that three years later I would feel so dead. But not anymore (of course the more I write this the more I am simply trying to convince myself, but hey, it's working).

 

We all need to heal

[newpriorities]

((hugs new))

 

You are really doing great! I am so happy you are focusing on YOU and making a good life for YOU! Hang in there - it gets easier!!

 

Thank YOU! You responded to one of my very first posts which helped give me the strength to take back my life. I know you have your own painful journey that you are on and I just want to thank you for being so supportive!

[Katharin Clifton]

I just want to say that I am truly thankful to be part of this community, amidst caring individuals who know the pain of loving someone they should not. Sometimes, Life just doesn't work out the way we expect it to.

 

It has been 6 days since I've decided to break contact with the man I was involved in. It's not been easy. I've had to stop myself from stalking him on Facebook and checking my cell phone incessantly wondering where he is and if i will hear from him.

 

I ended the affair 3 months ago but we've been in contact almost every week. Just last week, we sent each other messages telling each other that we missed each other. Not very appropriate, i know. But i guess we're both hurting.

 

Sometimes i wish i knew what was going through his mind, other times, i tell myself, why bother?

 

At other times, i wish the affair never began and that we were still the friends we used to be. But somehow, i just know that some things are meant to happen and we just have to deal with whatever comes our way.

 

Good luck and all the best to everyone.

Remember, you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another.

 

Take care and keep in touch!

[endlessness]

It's my first post here and, I must say, it's communities like this one that truly sped up the detoxification process.

 

It has been exactly five weeks for me. My situation is interesting because there was no definitive end this time around (I've ended it once before.). He got very busy and stopped messaging me and I had no desire to initiate contact - I simply ran out of things to say. It seemed pointless, emotionally draining and, honestly, simply sadomasochistic.

 

Overall, I'd say I'm not doing too bad. I mainly miss the feeling, the attention and having someone who seemingly needed me. The person himself... not so much. I've never met such a drama queen before in my life, trying to control everyone and everything in his life; to no avail I must add. I am mostly ashamed that I still maintain feelings for someone like that. I'm also hurt that a man who convinced me that I was his "salvation" moved on to other things so easily. And I can't help but feel angry with myself for being so gullible and ignoring all the signs and alarm bells for so long.

 

I'm glad that there is no yearning on my part; from my perspective, we are done - completely and irreversibly - I've gotten all the abuse I needed out of this dysfunction that was our relationship. No matter how I bend it, single or married, a future is not possible here. I only hope that we are on the same page this time around, and he will remain silent. I blocked most avenues of approach in the event that he wakes up one morning and decides he wants his ego stroked one more time. I just want to purge my life of his existence.

[newpriorities]

It's my first post here and, I must say, it's communities like this one that truly sped up the detoxification process.

 

It has been exactly five weeks for me. My situation is interesting because there was no definitive end this time around (I've ended it once before.). He got very busy and stopped messaging me and I had no desire to initiate contact - I simply ran out of things to say. It seemed pointless, emotionally draining and, honestly, simply sadomasochistic.

 

Overall, I'd say I'm not doing too bad. I mainly miss the feeling, the attention and having someone who seemingly needed me. The person himself... not so much. I've never met such a drama queen before in my life, trying to control everyone and everything in his life; to no avail I must add. I am mostly ashamed that I still maintain feelings for someone like that. I'm also hurt that a man who convinced me that I was his "salvation" moved on to other things so easily. And I can't help but feel angry with myself for being so gullible and ignoring all the signs and alarm bells for so long.

 

I'm glad that there is no yearning on my part; from my perspective, we are done - completely and irreversibly - I've gotten all the abuse I needed out of this dysfunction that was our relationship. No matter how I bend it, single or married, a future is not possible here. I only hope that we are on the same page this time around, and he will remain silent. I blocked most avenues of approach in the event that he wakes up one morning and decides he wants his ego stroked one more time. I just want to purge my life of his existence.

 

Sounds like you are doing very well under these difficult circumstances--good for you! Isn't it incredible how one does run out of things to say, yet it is so difficult to stop?! I so agree with the sadomasochistic nature of this contact--it does nothing but make you feel like a POS....at least that has been my experience. I went from being a strong, self-confident woman to a sniveling, pathetic door mat waiting for some little crumbs to be tossed my way. I tried for three years to stop and my dear best friend begged, pleaded, yelled, cried with me to get out, but it wasn't until I saw this forum that I truly woke up and found the strength to do what needed to be done.

Give yourself a break--there are so many of us that have fallen for this, we just need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and reclaim our lives. Keep up the good work!

[endlessness]

I went from being a strong, self-confident woman to a sniveling, pathetic door mat waiting for some little crumbs to be tossed my way.

 

Like you and so many other OWs, I too became totally unrecognizable to myself.

 

When I initially started reading OW forums, I thought, "My God, these women are pathetic." And then, to my horror, I realized that I WAS that woman. It was like someone poured a bucket of cold water on me. Definitely woke me up.

 

I commend everyone who has made that step to end the dysfunction. I know how difficult the NC can be (after all, I broke it once before). But sometimes we need to get burned repeatedly to finally resolve to end it once and for all. After all, the first step towards recovery is in recognizing that you have a problem, and we've done that. We may be nowhere close to being all the way there yet, but at least we now have a clear, realistic, healthy destination in mind, where we can live our lives on our own terms.

[fooled once]

Thank YOU! You responded to one of my very first posts which helped give me the strength to take back my life. I know you have your own painful journey that you are on and I just want to thank you for being so supportive!

 

((hug)) Thankfully, my journey ended over 13 years ago. I met the most amazing man a few months after the affair I was in ended. That amazing man is my Husband and I am blessed beyond belief to have been giving this life I have with him. Not only did I get him, I got a great stepdad for my son and my H brought into my life the daughter I never had, who I can't image not being in my life now. We have had our share of ups and downs and I am so glad I hung in there with him. All the tears and heartache over blending families has been worth it.

 

Stay strong new. There is such a great life out there waiting for you!!

 

I just want to say that I am truly thankful to be part of this community, amidst caring individuals who know the pain of loving someone they should not. Sometimes, Life just doesn't work out the way we expect it to.

 

It has been 6 days since I've decided to break contact with the man I was involved in. It's not been easy. I've had to stop myself from stalking him on Facebook and checking my cell phone incessantly wondering where he is and if i will hear from him.

 

I ended the affair 3 months ago but we've been in contact almost every week. Just last week, we sent each other messages telling each other that we missed each other. Not very appropriate, i know. But i guess we're both hurting.

 

Sometimes i wish i knew what was going through his mind, other times, i tell myself, why bother?

 

At other times, i wish the affair never began and that we were still the friends we used to be. But somehow, i just know that some things are meant to happen and we just have to deal with whatever comes our way.

 

Good luck and all the best to everyone.

Remember, you have to love yourself first before you can truly love another.

 

Take care and keep in touch!

 

Katharin, welcome and I am sorry you are hurting.

 

6 days is great! Celebrate each and every day that you stay NC. Build the life you want for YOU. you do deserve more than what you got in an affair. you deserve your own man and should not have to share. I remember how hurtful it was to have the man I was in an affair with leave me to go home to his wife. How silly it was for me to believe that he was just so miserable there and not having sex with her. I look back and realize how naive and ditzy I was to ever think that.

 

Get out and grab life. Start a new activity you want to do - yoga, dancing, kick boxing ... something to get your mind focused on something else.

 

And post here - post when you feel weak. Do not contact him. Read the posts here from so many success stories of people who have grieved the hurt and have gone on and had wonderful experiences.

 

It's my first post here and, I must say, it's communities like this one that truly sped up the detoxification process.

 

It has been exactly five weeks for me. My situation is interesting because there was no definitive end this time around (I've ended it once before.). He got very busy and stopped messaging me and I had no desire to initiate contact - I simply ran out of things to say. It seemed pointless, emotionally draining and, honestly, simply sadomasochistic.

 

Overall, I'd say I'm not doing too bad. I mainly miss the feeling, the attention and having someone who seemingly needed me. The person himself... not so much. I've never met such a drama queen before in my life, trying to control everyone and everything in his life; to no avail I must add. I am mostly ashamed that I still maintain feelings for someone like that. I'm also hurt that a man who convinced me that I was his "salvation" moved on to other things so easily. And I can't help but feel angry with myself for being so gullible and ignoring all the signs and alarm bells for so long.

 

I'm glad that there is no yearning on my part; from my perspective, we are done - completely and irreversibly - I've gotten all the abuse I needed out of this dysfunction that was our relationship. No matter how I bend it, single or married, a future is not possible here. I only hope that we are on the same page this time around, and he will remain silent. I blocked most avenues of approach in the event that he wakes up one morning and decides he wants his ego stroked one more time. I just want to purge my life of his existence.

 

Hi endless! Like I said to Katharin, celebrate each day that you are moving forward.

 

You are doing good - especially by blocking all ways for him to contact you. Be sure, he will probably try to reach out to you for that ego stroking. Stay strong and keep focused on a life about YOU - not about him. I wish you the best of luck!!

[Katharin Clifton]

Being part of this caring community has been one of the biggest blessings in my life thus far. For months, I'd been feeling so depressed, lost and confused. But now, the fog is slowly clearing from my head and i can think clearly again. If I had known about this forum sooner, I am sure my recovery would have been faster. Nevertheless, I am truly thankful to be able to read about all your experiences, to share my pain and to benefit form your advice.

 

I never thot I'd ever have an affair with a married man. It just goes to show how much of our future we can predict or control. I still think about him every day and i long for his touch. I am just glad that whenever I feel weak, instead of running to him, I can come here for strength and support.

 

Thanks, everyone! *hugs*!

[maravilla]

I went NC 13 days (two Tuesdays) ago and then we broke it at the one-week mark (last Tuesday). We were back in contact for 3 days and then went NC again and this time I am determined to keep it even if he tries to break it. So it has been 2 full days of being NC again and so far I feel good about it.

 

I will say that last time I felt good about it for about 4 days, until the weekend, and then I felt miserable. I hope that doesn't happen again because I feel like I have more closure and clarity this time (even if it mainly meant I had to give myself my own closure and clarity!) and I saw the really harmful consequences of breaking NC the last time. I don't want that again, I want off the rollercoaster, and even if I start to feel sad and miss him I am going to remind myself that this way feels much better over all than being in contact with him ever does.

 

I wish everyone strength and healing!!!! We can do this.

[Katharin Clifton]

I hope that doesn't happen again because I feel like I have more closure and clarity this time (even if it mainly meant I had to give myself my own closure and clarity!).

I wish everyone strength and healing!!!! We can do this.

 

Sadly, that seems to be the way it is for most of us. There is no way that we can expect closure from them. It's just the way they do things: very selfish, through and through. Only thinking about themselves, yet daring to claim that we matter to them!

 

We owe it to ourselves to be good to ourselves!

 

Press on!

[newpriorities]

]... I want off the rollercoaster' date=' and even if I start to feel sad and miss him I am going to remind myself that this way feels much better over all than being in contact with him ever does.[/b']

 

I wish everyone strength and healing!!!! We can do this.

 

Yes, let's all get off this rollecoaster!!!!!! (I never liked them much anyways:bunny:).

 

Your post really helped me this morning. As I was coming into work, I became so anxious knowing I was going to see him. I hurried into my office and came to LS for strength and found it! I feel better already.

To a great day!

[newpriorities]

Being part of this caring community has been one of the biggest blessings in my life thus far. For months, I'd been feeling so depressed, lost and confused. But now, the fog is slowly clearing from my head and i can think clearly again. If I had known about this forum sooner, I am sure my recovery would have been faster. Nevertheless, I am truly thankful to be able to read about all your experiences, to share my pain and to benefit form your advice.

 

I never thot I'd ever have an affair with a married man. It just goes to show how much of our future we can predict or control. I still think about him every day and i long for his touch. I am just glad that whenever I feel weak, instead of running to him, I can come here for strength and support.

 

Thanks, everyone! *hugs*!

 

I'm glad you are coming out of the fog--it is a great feeling!

Now that the weekend is over and I'm back at work, I'm feeling sad because he's here and I know I will see him. I don't have any doubts or thoughts of changing my mind, just sad because I miss the good stuff. But that's what an A is, right? Some really good stuff and a whole lot of sh--!

As you said, Press On!!