Those who started NC in last 30 days--how's it going?

[fooled once]

Day 7 and doing good. 17 days to go and I will be free (I am going home for the holidays and my family's support is -always- very strong)!!!

 

I swing between being happy/free and down/depressed several times a day. It is very hard. I've thrown away his keys and garage opener so I won't drive by to see if his car is there (I did that once). No intention to break NC though.

 

I know the depression is only temporary and I need to walk it to be through, but it is definitely tough now. I only hope 2 things: 1) He doesn't contact me. 2) I will eventually fall in love with someone who deserves all of me.

 

You are doing great Poke! Keep strong. And you WILL one day fall in love with someone who is worthy of all the love you have to give!

 

17 days.

But still stalking him on Facebook.

Which is BAD.

Must stop.

 

Stop stop stop

 

Block him - so that you can't stalk him.

It isn't helping you to stalk him. You know that deep down. It is keeping you connected to him.

 

 

I'm almost done with day one but I'm home now and my mind and emotions always get the best of me when I'm home in the evenings. I just want him to contact me so I feel better but I know that "feeling better" is fleeting and I will only end up taking two steps back from this one step I have taken today. I removed the block on his email address but I think I will put it back now because I really don't want to take even a half of a step back!

Gonna go soak in the bath and pamper myself some.

 

ONE day at a time. Find something stupid and trashy on TV to watch tonight. Or find a hobby that will keep you busy in the evenings. And put that block back on

 

Hang in there - it WILL get easier!!

[JustWannaStop]

ONE day at a time. Find something stupid and trashy on TV to watch tonight. Or find a hobby that will keep you busy in the evenings. And put that block back on

 

Hang in there - it WILL get easier!!

 

Ok the filter is back on. Unfortunately it just sends any email he might send to the trash. I don't know how to block him in gmail (and I'm a computer engineer - go figure!)

 

I need a hobby but nothing excites me or seems to interest me. I'm sure it's cuz I'm depressed. My daughter and he dad are coming over to hang out in a bit (thank God for him. He is a great friend and baby-daddy. He's my favorite ex-husband yet! LOL)

 

If I recall right Fooled, weren't you an OW a long time ago and are now the right kind of OW (the ONLY woman!) to a wonderful man?

[Pokemon]

Hi JustWannaStop,

 

I am the same as you, I have his passwords into his phone records and I just kept looking. Endlessness posted this in my other thread and it really helped, so I am copying it for you.

 

"Pokemon, like jwi71 said, you have to stop. Every time you look, you let yourself be hurt... and stall your healing process as a result. Not only that, you're entering a whole new kind of frenzy. I was just as addicted and obsessed, checking and checking and checking that window into my xMM's life. And then, one day, I just made the decision to stop. That's all it took. There was no culminating event of any kind. No catalyst that brought me to this point. Just a conscious, wholehearted decision. It's time for you to make that decision too."

 

 

I saw that he texted and called his wife today, and I burst out crying, broke down. After I read that post from endlessness, I stopped checking. Hang in there, we are on the same page.

[Katharin Clifton]

Sigh!!!

I hope to stop my obsessive behaviour soon.

New technology today makes it so much harder to get over someone.

It just shows how much loss of privacy there is these days in our lives.

Scary...

[whichwayisup]

You can delete your gmail account. Just create another account transfer all your contacts. Done!

[siuys]

Day 12. Up and down. Needed Valium last night to sleep. Still too much thinking of him I hate it. Still the wondering if he's going to come back. I want to crush that thought but that's the hardest thought to crush. It's xmas coming up and I will be all alone so another test for me. He will have his family. I thought, good, I can handle this. I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself.

[endlessness]

Hi JustWannaStop,

 

I saw that he texted and called his wife today, and I burst out crying, broke down. After I read that post from endlessness, I stopped checking. Hang in there, we are on the same page.

 

I'm proud of you, Pokemon. Please stick with that decision. Karma is playing no part in the pain you are experiencing now. YOU are the one who is hurting you by prying into his life. It's addictive as hell, I certainly know that, but the relief of a decisive withdrawal from this dysfunction is liberating.

Stay strong.

[endlessness]

Day 12. Up and down.

 

6 weeks and still up and down. But the low points are getting much more short-lived and the high points are more honest and enduring than those brief moments of euphoria that I was experiencing during the A.

[newpriorities]

Not sure how long it has been exactly (I suppose that is a good sign) but remember I work with him daily to NC isn't possible. I have not have contact with him outside of work--no emails, no coffee, no texting etc. I just really, really, really wish I didn't have to talk with him everyday. I am getting to the point where, when I look at him, I wonder why did I ever get involved with him in the first place---we really don't have much of what it takes to build a real realtionship. The problem is, our physical attraction to each other was out of control--for 3 years. I was married for over twenty years and maybe this was a backlash--my xMM is younger than me, extremely fit, and the sex was mind-blowing. So I guess that's the part I miss the most--if I am to be brutally honest. On the bright side, however, I think that's why I'm not an emotional wreck..because it is mostly the physical stuff I miss. I do not miss the bullsh-t, the waiting and wondering when/if we are going to see each other, the constant rearranging of my schedule to fit into his, listening to him b-tch about his W (which may or may not have been true) etc. I really enjoyed it while it lasted and have grown tremendously from it, but I feel kilos lighter since deciding to "end" it.

[JustWannaStop]

Hi JustWannaStop,

 

I am the same as you, I have his passwords into his phone records and I just kept looking. Endlessness posted this in my other thread and it really helped, so I am copying it for you.

 

"Pokemon, like jwi71 said, you have to stop. Every time you look, you let yourself be hurt... and stall your healing process as a result. Not only that, you're entering a whole new kind of frenzy. I was just as addicted and obsessed, checking and checking and checking that window into my xMM's life. And then, one day, I just made the decision to stop. That's all it took. There was no culminating event of any kind. No catalyst that brought me to this point. Just a conscious, wholehearted decision. It's time for you to make that decision too."

 

 

I saw that he texted and called his wife today, and I burst out crying, broke down. After I read that post from endlessness, I stopped checking. Hang in there, we are on the same page.

 

 

Hi Poke. It's like we enjoy torturing ouselves! I broke NC and am feeling spun out and despressed. It's so hard to stop thinking about him and then the thoughts guide my actions and I reach out to him and am back at square one :/

[JustWannaStop]

You can delete your gmail account. Just create another account transfer all your contacts. Done!

 

I have done that several times. I barely created this one and have already updated everyone and all my bank websites, etc. He doesn't reach out to me. I always initiate contact. :/ I need to stop.

[endlessness]

I am getting to the point where, when I look at him, I wonder why did I ever get involved with him in the first place---we really don't have much of what it takes to build a real realtionship. The problem is, our physical attraction to each other was out of control--for 3 years. I was married for over twenty years and maybe this was a backlash--my xMM is younger than me, extremely fit, and the sex was mind-blowing. So I guess that's the part I miss the most--if I am to be brutally honest. On the bright side, however, I think that's why I'm not an emotional wreck..because it is mostly the physical stuff I miss. I do not miss the bullsh-t, the waiting and wondering when/if we are going to see each other, the constant rearranging of my schedule to fit into his, listening to him b-tch about his W (which may or may not have been true) etc.

 

I must admit that I'm having exactly the same thoughts and this realization makes me feel very guilty because I was absolutely convinced that I was in love. When the fog lifted and I looked back at our time together, to my horror I realized that I was somehow talked into thinking that I was in love, when, in fact, besides work and our respective depressive tendencies, we had absolutely nothing in common. Seeing how he really is - an absentee father and husband, emotionally withdrawn from his family, moving from one obsession to the next (be that a hobby, a person or a job assignment) - I can't help but empathize with his W, because a life with such a man would be an absolute misery. I still feel sad about the whole experience - no doubt about it - I'm still in pain, I still feel betrayed, but no matter how hard I search in my mind, besides the sex I can't find anything about our relationship or him specifically that I miss. That troubles me. It seems I'm supposed to feel something else... some profound, undying love for that man... I mean, if not for love, why else would I stay involved with a MM for as long as I did? When I think back, what he described he felt for me seemed like a fairytale, and I guess I just wanted to be a part of his fairytale, without feeling the same way.

[h44h]

I found this site at the perfect time!! It's so helpful to read your stories and know I'm not alone even though I couldn't feel anymore alone.

 

We had gone 18 days w/o talking but started up again a few days ago. So here I am at day 1 again. Twice already I've typed out email to him but then found an once of strength and deleted it.

 

It has to stop although it's the last thing my heart wants.

[siuys]

It's day 13 for me. I'm feeling a lot better, and because of NC i have come to realise a lot of things. I was, and still is, in love with xMM. We are a good fit, and have a lot in common. Physically and emotionally compatible. Truth is, however, he is not done with his M, and may never be. As hard as this truth is to acknowledge, it is an important one to help me move forward. I do not wish to continue in a toxic situation and drive myself insane. It's unhealthy and unworthy of more of my time.

 

So with all the strength and courage I can muster, I have to a certain extent, let it go. I know I need more time but I know that's the only way. Without commitment and without enough actions, there is no base for anything.

[newpriorities]

I must admit that I'm having exactly the same thoughts and this realization makes me feel very guilty because I was absolutely convinced that I was in love. When the fog lifted and I looked back at our time together, to my horror I realized that I was somehow talked into thinking that I was in love,

 

Agree! I think it might be the unreal physical relationship/hormones, whatever you want to call it--is sooo intense that we think it MUST be love, right? This is a good lesson for us to learn and keep in mind when we have a new, healthy relationship (with a single man!) in the future!

 

Seeing how he really is - an absentee father and husband, emotionally withdrawn from his family, moving from one obsession to the next (be that a hobby, a person or a job assignment) - I can't help but empathize with his W, because a life with such a man would be an absolute misery.

 

Wow, this really resonates with me! My xMM and I had an overseas business trip very early on in our relationship. He did not leave any hotel info. with his W and he didn't have a cell phone. So she had absolutely no way to get in touch with him and they had a young son! And we were gone for two weeks! Finally, on the last day, he checked his email for the first time! I remember thinking, "Geez, he sure treats her like a POS.What if their son had become ill or injured?" He also treats his mom very badly. Talk about a red flag!!!! And yet, I stayed another 2.5 years!!

 

I mean, if not for love, why else would I stay involved with a MM for as long as I did? When I think back, what he described he felt for me seemed like a fairytale, and I guess I just wanted to be a part of his fairytale, without feeling the same way.

 

Exactly. And because that physical attraction is so strong it completely distorts reality. Keep up the great attitude!

[endlessness]

Wow, this really resonates with me! My xMM and I had an overseas business trip very early on in our relationship. He did not leave any hotel info. with his W and he didn't have a cell phone. So she had absolutely no way to get in touch with him and they had a young son! And we were gone for two weeks! Finally, on the last day, he checked his email for the first time! I remember thinking, "Geez, he sure treats her like a POS.What if their son had become ill or injured?" He also treats his mom very badly. Talk about a red flag!!!! And yet, I stayed another 2.5 years!!

 

My xMM doesn't own a cell phone, even though he travels so much with his work. Once, he confessed to me that if it was possible, he would stay overseas with his job indefinitely. Another time he confessed that having children was a mistake. (He has two, and back in my stalker days, I found out from W's posts on a forum that they were going to try for another one this winter.) He always asked me not to judge him for these confessions and, outwardly, I didn't; but on the inside, every time he would say something like this, I would be absolutely repulsed by that man. I guess it is harder to hate him than your xMM because he didn't really treat anyone badly. He just drifted through life, dutifully doing what he was supposed and EXPECTED to do, when his heart was never really in it. What made me think that his attitude would be different with me? I was indeed in love. I was in love with someone who was not my xMM. And now I have to mourn the death of that person.

 

I'm sorry you still have to work with him, newpriorities, although, today, I secretly wish I had the opportunity to work on a short-term project with my xMM one more time (we met on a temporary assignment), because now that I've been de-toxified of this man, I will be able to truly see him for what he is and finally kill whatever dream is still lurking in my head that is preventing me from leaving it all completely behind.

[ItsNeverForever]

I just started over today after blowing it yesterday with a Thanksgiving text. The ensuing text conversation started ok, but ended up with me sobbing for quite a while, realizing I was hearing things I didn't want to hear, and realizing how I'd just hurt myself after 6 days of being so strong.

 

I still don't WANT to go NC. The honest truth is, I do believe that he isn't giving up on us but is in limbo & trying to save both of our hearts any extra heartache...and that at some point down the road when he gets his ridiculous situation squared away, however long that may be, we WILL revisit our relationship (IF I am still available and open to it). So it's really, really hard for me to ignore my best friend, afraid that he will give up on us after I've "ditched" him. I know, it sounds so stupid, but it's my reality.

 

That aside, I do feel that right now, I MUST go NC, for my own sanity. I always think I want to know what's going on, and then I'm sorry I found out. It's just too much for me to take.

 

So, I'm starting fresh today, hoping that my resolve and love for myself hold up a little better this time.

[endlessness]

I'm sorry you're hurting, INF. I think breaking NC is helping you reach some important realizations about what path needs to be taken in order to get to the place you want to ultimately find yourself in in life. Healing is not an overnight rebirth, it's a process and, unfortunately, a nasty one, as in its course we are forced to go try out different approaches for the purpose of finding the one that works specifically for us. It's a learning process and I can see that you're learning a great deal. Keep going!

[JustWannaStop]

I got fed up again today and blocked his cell # and set up an email programs that will send "bounces" to him if he emails me (it will make him think I deleted my account). I am so sick of this bullsh*t affair. I feel relief everytime I break it off. I just hope I can stay stong and stay away from him. I'm tired of being second fiddle and feeling unimportant and worthless.

[newpriorities]

I got fed up again today and blocked his cell # and set up an email programs that will send "bounces" to him if he emails me (it will make him think I deleted my account). I am so sick of this bullsh*t affair. I feel relief everytime I break it off. I just hope I can stay stong and stay away from him. I'm tired of being second fiddle and feeling unimportant and worthless.

 

Sorry, need to vent here......I received about a dozen Thanksgiving well wishes from all kinds of people in my life, via text, email etc. But did I receive one thing from him? Of course not! Recall that as far as he is concerned, nothing has changed in our R. From my perspective, I went NC in that I no longer text or email...but we do see each other almost hourly at work. So he doesn't seem to think anything has changed. He actually tried to get me to f--k him in his office the other day. He uses that as his power/weapon, only now I do not fall for it. But anyways, i still am "shocked" (lord knows I don't know WHY) that I didn't hear from him at all during this special holiday. He is truly so unworthy and I really do NOT want him, so why does it bother me?

[fun2bewith]

This is a difficult balance to strike and I wish you well. Way back the day I was a lifeguard and the first thing you learn about rescuing someone is the tremendous risk of double drowning. I learned that to save someone you needed to bring equipment with you (life ring etc) and that you had to protect yourself at all times because what good are you to the drowning person if you yourself drown. I think you know what I'm getting at here--of course this is difficult to do, especially when the drowning person is someone you love. So, try and listen to your instincts as best you can and whatever you do, be so very sure to take care of yourself so that you don't drown too.

 

 

I like this, very true!!

[endlessness]

I just wanted to share a few words of wisdom given by someone else on a different forum. The words remind us that NC alone is not enough. It is simply a tool that gives us the opportunity to distance ourselves physically from the source of pain, in the hopes that the same psychological effect will soon follow. But until we start making positive changes in our lives, we will not be able to distance ourselves emotionally from this experience.

 

STAY NC? That alone will do NOTHING for you except give you some space to find clarity if you're able, IMO. And, if you break NC 10 times, it may just mean that on some level you understand that IT IS NOT HEALING YOU, and breaking it is meaningless if you're not doing what you need to do to build your life AWAY from MM. NC is pointless if you are at home, in your bed with MM on your mind all the time...wallowing in the pain of losing him. You may as well be talking or writing to him. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?? THAT is NOT healing. THAT is not doing what you need to do to move on, IMO.

 

NC is just a tool to jumpstart you. And, it's not the only one out there.

 

I just thought these are good words for all those who are struggling to maintain NC and are kicking themselves every time it is broken. NC is certainly not a magic pill to get over a person. I now know that it is the most effective tool in my personal healing process (after all, I've tried all other approaches), but it is up to each individual to figure out the magic ingredients for their own recovery process.

[siuys]

So far, I find NC to be the only way. I agree to a certain extent with the quote. I guess, for me, NC allows me to clear my head, but at the end of the day, we need to grieve, heal before we can move on. I find NC a lot less painful than actually continuing to communicate with xMM. There is now no more wondering, no more is he going to call or text me? When are we going to meet? Is he ever going to get a divorce etc. I guess the thoughts are still there but less. Because of NC, I am slowly thinking about him less, and no longer know what is and isn't happening on the separation/divorce front.

 

I guess my next challenge would be to give up the hope (it's going slowly though). I almost texted him the other day, but I talked myself out of it. I asked myself why I wanted to text him. I guess I wanted to get a response, feel loved, want him to tell me new things. But I know he is going to reply i miss you bla bla... but still nothing would have changed. And then I'll be back to square one with an 'I miss you' – bad deal.

[Katharin Clifton]

Hey everyone, am struggling after 21 days of no contact. Silly me, had to go check his Facebook profile and ended up being needlessly affected by what i saw there.

 

I know, i really should not indulge in, but i find it so hard to resist checking his Facebook profile. Really, Facebook is my enemy. But i think i am my own worst enemy! I really do feel very disappointed with myself for being so weak.

 

I was doing so well during the 1st 14 days, until i caved in and went to see what was on his wall a few days ago. Now i feel so messed up and depressed...

[endlessness]

I'm so sorry, KC. I can definitely relate. Right before I initiated NC the second time around, I stumbled upon a profile photo of my xMM with his W and kids, all smiles. It hurt me to the core. That pain made me realize that only by distancing myself completely from his life would I be able to finally find some lasting relief.

 

I know it's painful now, but take this experience as a lesson that total NC is the only way for you. Make a promise to that person inside you that's hurting right now. Help her heal.