Those who started NC in last 30 days--how's it going?

[calliope]

I would like to hear your own experience with regards to this? How did you feel? Or say to him/her?

 

All i feel is saddness when we are apart and now knowing she is going away with him i feel that if we stay as we are those 10 days will be torture.

 

 

I told my MM I wouldn't be OW longer than 1yr. At 1yr mark with no changes, I ended it. Coincidentally it was the night before he was going on a 2wk trip to Greece that was planned before we got together. I didn't do it to ruin his trip, he knew the date and he knew where I stood.

 

That night he texted me that he was really screwed up, having a hard time, etc. Then he told me he loved me - first time he'd said it. The next day he was on the plane and off with her.... I was a mess.

 

He was only gone 3 days & sent me an IM when I was online. We IMed for an hour. That happened a couple more times. Over the 2 wks he was away, we spent almost 7 hours IMing each other. The day he got back from his trip he was on my doorstep, saying he had to make some changes to be able to move forward with me. On his trip he realized it was me he wanted to be with, not her.

 

Well, that was almost 5 months ago and through many ups & downs, we're not together right now...his choice. All I'm really saying is, jst because they're going on a trip together doesn't mean anything. If 2 people are unhappy with each other, they'll be unhappy no matter where they go.

 

Don't dwell on it and obsess about what they're doing while on vacation. You've already started the process of moving on. Keep going and try not to look back....

[BB07]

Words from a former OW........maybe there is a little bit of wisdom in them.

 

When the mw/mm is not with you, they are NOT with you. You can analyze it to death, come up with excuses, lie to yourself, but at the end of the day they are NOT with you. They are choosing to be still married, unhappy or not, dysfunctional or not, it doesn't matter why.............they are THERE. As long as they remain THERE, they are jerking two people lives around and yes be cautious just because they might leave does not mean the jerking around ceases.

It takes time for anyone to process the ending of a relationship and if someone truly loves you and has your best interest at heart they are not going to drag you into the middle of it or drag you down with them. Time alone and on your own is absolutely essential whether you are mm/mw ending your marriage or the ow/om ending things with mm/mw.

In order to really let go and move on, you have to give up the HOPE. Hope is not reality, hope is not how things really are, hope is just a dream. Not until you give up the hope can you begin to heal and truly get past it. I'm not implying that I'm a 100%, but I gave up the hope, I no longer want the man, no longer love the man and yes I'm angry (but that is part of the healing process). As long as you hang on..even if it's by just a tiny thread of hope, you will not move on, you will not free yourself from the hurt and pain and the disrespect you are showing yourself and the spouse of the mm/mw.

The key is letting go of the hope and accepting the reality of how things are RIGHT NOW and if the RIGHT NOW is too hard and too painful then you can not expect a change unless YOU change it.

[MorningCoffee]

Words from a former OW........maybe there is a little bit of wisdom in them.

 

When the mw/mm is not with you, they are NOT with you. You can analyze it to death, come up with excuses, lie to yourself, but at the end of the day they are NOT with you. They are choosing to be still married, unhappy or not, dysfunctional or not, it doesn't matter why.............they are THERE. As long as they remain THERE, they are jerking two people lives around and yes be cautious just because they might leave does not mean the jerking around ceases.

It takes time for anyone to process the ending of a relationship and if someone truly loves you and has your best interest at heart they are not going to drag you into the middle of it or drag you down with them. Time alone and on your own is absolutely essential whether you are mm/mw ending your marriage or the ow/om ending things with mm/mw.

In order to really let go and move on, you have to give up the HOPE. Hope is not reality, hope is not how things really are, hope is just a dream. Not until you give up the hope can you begin to heal and truly get past it. I'm not implying that I'm a 100%, but I gave up the hope, I no longer want the man, no longer love the man and yes I'm angry (but that is part of the healing process). As long as you hang on..even if it's by just a tiny thread of hope, you will not move on, you will not free yourself from the hurt and pain and the disrespect you are showing yourself and the spouse of the mm/mw.

The key is letting go of the hope and accepting the reality of how things are RIGHT NOW and if the RIGHT NOW is too hard and too painful then you can not expect a change unless YOU change it.

 

Awesome post. Truth is forceful, painful and real. Change offers hope, whereas staying stuck on false hope won't.

[thissecretgirl]

Stay Strong, you are all doing really well. NC is going cold turkey and its damn hard.

 

My situation is different in that after I 'outed' us he enforced no contact. There hasnt been any for over 4 months now bar one stupid error on my part.

 

In all honesty I struggled for the whole time. It was bl**dy awful, but I just want to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

As someone who reached the other side only a week ago, I can tell you it's well worth the struggle. I feel free from angst and pain for the first time in years. My heart feels light and I feel happy and hopeful.

 

Stay true to yourself, keep focused and strong and you will see what I mean when you get here!

 

Things are good.

[Spices]

In all honesty I struggled for the whole time. It was bl**dy awful, but I just want to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

As someone who reached the other side only a week ago, I can tell you it's well worth the struggle. I feel free from angst and pain for the first time in years. My heart feels light and I feel happy and hopeful.

 

Stay true to yourself, keep focused and strong and you will see what I mean when you get here!

 

Things are good.

 

It took you years to get over him? How many years? Did you at least have some moments of happiness?

 

Gah. Who ever knew letting go was so hard.

[thissecretgirl]

It took you years to get over him? How many years? Did you at least have some moments of happiness?

 

Gah. Who ever knew letting go was so hard.

 

No Spices, sorry if I wasnt clear. I was with him for four years, and its taken me four months to get to this point.

 

The four months were in all honesty the pits, but where I am now in terms of my emotions, happiness and hope; this is a good place to be.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel and its bright.....head for it!

[flowergirl77]

Well for me it has been over a month now..I have lost track and am not keeping a mental note any longer. The most agonizing part was the first 2 weeks or so...the urge to call him was sooooo intense, but I did not do it!! I came close though, many times, but chose to make different decisions once DDay hit.

 

For me, it is seeing that the OM is a decent man. He left his W as he always said he was going to when the time was right,, and I know from talking to him he adored his daughter and it broke his heart thinking of leaving her, as most of us go through when considering ending a R when kids are involved...it is so painful, and many stay in unhappy R's b/c they can't imagine leaving their children.

 

So he did follow through on that-and wanted to continue seeing me.

 

It was I who ended it by NC because I could not leave my H under those circumstances, or begin something else with him.. I do still miss him. It is really tough some days.

 

I also know, that aside from physical chemistry/attraction that was never acted upon, and that we could laugh together and talk forever-there were many reasons why we would not have worked as a couple (he is 15 yrs older than me) I knew it when we were in it, and I know it now-but it does not make it easier to get over the good times. He was a friend and someone I could talk to about anything, and he was always kind to me. I do know that whole "if he cheats with you he will cheat on you" thing, and it makes sense. How can one go into a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty with a clear conscience? How can that be a healthy union under those pretenses?

 

I had to be an adult, and change the path I was headed on. I told myself if my MG didn't work out, and he was D and someday we found each other again-then perhaps, but for now I am working on my MG and myself. This has been brutal. But it is easier, and I go longer w/o thinking of OM, but it does still come up for me often. It is just not so intense and overwhelming.

[half_ofa_heart]

Well for me it has been over a month now..I have lost track and am not keeping a mental note any longer. The most agonizing part was the first 2 weeks or so...the urge to call him was sooooo intense, but I did not do it!! I came close though, many times, but chose to make different decisions once DDay hit.

 

For me, it is seeing that the OM is a decent man. He left his W as he always said he was going to when the time was right,, and I know from talking to him he adored his daughter and it broke his heart thinking of leaving her, as most of us go through when considering ending a R when kids are involved...it is so painful, and many stay in unhappy R's b/c they can't imagine leaving their children.

 

So he did follow through on that-and wanted to continue seeing me.

 

It was I who ended it by NC because I could not leave my H under those circumstances, or begin something else with him.. I do still miss him. It is really tough some days.

 

I also know, that aside from physical chemistry/attraction that was never acted upon, and that we could laugh together and talk forever-there were many reasons why we would not have worked as a couple (he is 15 yrs older than me) I knew it when we were in it, and I know it now-but it does not make it easier to get over the good times. He was a friend and someone I could talk to about anything, and he was always kind to me. I do know that whole "if he cheats with you he will cheat on you" thing, and it makes sense. How can one go into a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty with a clear conscience? How can that be a healthy union under those pretenses?

 

I had to be an adult, and change the path I was headed on. I told myself if my MG didn't work out, and he was D and someday we found each other again-then perhaps, but for now I am working on my MG and myself. This has been brutal. But it is easier, and I go longer w/o thinking of OM, but it does still come up for me often. It is just not so intense and overwhelming.

 

So happy for you Flowergirl. Hope in time it becomes just a fond memory. Good luck.