endlessness Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 In my case, I think it was actually breaking NC the first time around that truly gave me clarity and determination to move forward with my life. I didn't really end it that time, because deep down I was still holding on to the hope that he would realize how empty his life is without me and do what needed to be done to be with me. When I broke NC, I found the same pathetic creature, wallowing in self pity, who would never do the deed because there is one person he loves more than me or anyone else in his life -- himself! That's all the confirmation and empowerment that I needed to do it right this time around. Link to post Share on other sites
maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 Yes, let's all get off this rollecoaster!!!!!! (I never liked them much anyways:bunny:). Your post really helped me this morning. As I was coming into work, I became so anxious knowing I was going to see him. I hurried into my office and came to LS for strength and found it! I feel better already. To a great day! I'm glad I could help. I too come here when I'm having down moments and feel stronger just after reading and posting. I would hate to have to see MM at the office. You can do it though, just stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 "I went from being a strong, self-confident woman to a sniveling, pathetic door mat waiting for some little crumbs to be tossed my way. I tried for three years to stop and my dear best friend begged, pleaded, yelled, cried with me to get out, but it wasn't until I saw this forum that I truly woke up and found the strength to do what needed to be done." newpriorities-I want to get to where you are. How long was your A? How long have you been NC? Link to post Share on other sites
4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 Honestlyecen the thought of NC is making me hopeful. Maybe I can do this. I want to get better. I do love him and want us to be together but I think that going through the process with him will be much too painful and will destroy anything that was ever good about us. I hope I can feed off your strength Link to post Share on other sites
Author newpriorities Posted November 15, 2010 Author Share Posted November 15, 2010 Honestlyecen the thought of NC is making me hopeful. Maybe I can do this. I want to get better. I do love him and want us to be together but I think that going through the process with him will be much too painful and will destroy anything that was ever good about us. I hope I can feed off your strength Remember going NC doesn't necessarily mean things won't work out with you two. In fact, it shouldn't make one ounce of difference in the long run. If he's going to leave, then he needs to do it regardless. I think the main thing is, as I keep saying, is you need to do what's best for YOU, not him. One day at a time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author newpriorities Posted November 15, 2010 Author Share Posted November 15, 2010 Ok, so I've been doing very well and have no regrets about ending it, but it is such a pain in the a-- to see him at work today. I heard his voice down the hall and felt like I had been punched in the gut. It was excrutiating. . I'm actually largely responsible for him getting a job here and now I wish I hadn't done that! Oh well, can't change that now. I just needed to vent because it hurts so badly. But.....as I said, I am 100% sure I did what I needed to do to take back my life and that part feels great. Even have a date tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
endlessness Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 Ok, so I've been doing very well and have no regrets about ending it, but it is such a pain in the a-- to see him at work today. I heard his voice down the hall and felt like I had been punched in the gut. It was excrutiating. . I'm actually largely responsible for him getting a job here and now I wish I hadn't done that! Oh well, can't change that now. I just needed to vent because it hurts so badly. But.....as I said, I am 100% sure I did what I needed to do to take back my life and that part feels great. Even have a date tonight! That must be so hard! I have no idea how you're able to do this. I dragged my A out for as long as I did simply because we worked in close proximity to each other - we were part of the same four-man team, working in a tiny office. I knew that I had to either stick it out until that project was over or quit my job. While we still work for the same organization, thankfully we are now in different office locations. There is a good chance that our paths will cross again in the future, but I hope that by that time I will put this thing behind me for good. I'm glad you still have no doubts. Stay strong and enjoy your date! Link to post Share on other sites
Katharin Clifton Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 When I broke NC, I found the same pathetic creature, wallowing in self pity, who would never do the deed because there is one person he loves more than me or anyone else in his life -- himself! That's all the confirmation and empowerment that I needed to do it right this time around. So true! At the end of the day, the ONLY person they care about is themselves and no one else. Not their wives, not us. They will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel good. When I walked away from my MM, he was too caught up in his own hurt to even see mine. Granted, I put up a brave front. I knew he was stalking me on Facebook so I made sure he saw that I was out about town, happy and having a good time with my friends. That really upset him. So much so that he even started to think that he was the victim here - that I had been the one who was playing with his feelings. Sheesh! The nerve! He was the one who couldn't come up with a future plan for us and he blames me for walking away? I was ready to commit to him. He messed up. And now, I feel only pity for his wife because she definitely does not know what a flirt her husband is. I've reached a point where, even if he makes contact and tells me he has a plan for us, I still wouldn't take him back. I don't think he can change who he is and will continue to relate to other women behind my back in inappropriate ways. He does not know what he wants despite all the success he has experienced in his career. So many people look up to him as a leader. Look what he did to me? If only they knew... Link to post Share on other sites
endlessness Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 he was too caught up in his own hurt to even see mine That pretty much summarizes my entire relationship with my xMM. He was ALWAYS the victim, and whenever I tried to pull away, I was the bad guy. And I actually felt bad! Now that I'm finally awake, I think, "Are you f*&%ing kidding me?!" So many people look up to him as a leader. Look what he did to me? If only they knew... Mine was selected to represent my organization and my country in another country. It makes me absolutely livid. BTW, a family is an unspoken prerequisite for this type of assignment. Which answers my question that he never really planned on leaving his W. The facts always speak for themselves; I just wish I didn't ignore them for so long. I've reached a point where, even if he makes contact and tells me he has a plan for us, I still wouldn't take him back. ditto And I hope you stick with that Link to post Share on other sites
Katharin Clifton Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 That pretty much summarizes my entire relationship with my xMM. He was ALWAYS the victim, and whenever I tried to pull away, I was the bad guy. And I actually felt bad! Now that I'm finally awake, I think, "Are you f*&%ing kidding me?!" Mine was selected to represent my organization and my country in another country. It makes me absolutely livid. BTW, a family is an unspoken prerequisite for this type of assignment. Which answers my question that he never really planned on leaving his W. The facts always speak for themselves; I just wish I didn't ignore them for so long. ditto And I hope you stick with that Thanks for your words of affirmation. I may sound all strong and resolute, but in my heart I still miss him and I'm still vulnerable. Your words of encouragement will really help me get through 1 more day... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Ok, so I've been doing very well and have no regrets about ending it, but it is such a pain in the a-- to see him at work today. I heard his voice down the hall and felt like I had been punched in the gut. It was excrutiating. . I'm actually largely responsible for him getting a job here and now I wish I hadn't done that! Oh well, can't change that now. I just needed to vent because it hurts so badly. But.....as I said, I am 100% sure I did what I needed to do to take back my life and that part feels great. Even have a date tonight! ((hug)) New, hang in there. one day at a time. Hope your date went well!! Link to post Share on other sites
endlessness Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Thanks for your words of affirmation. I may sound all strong and resolute, but in my heart I still miss him and I'm still vulnerable. Your words of encouragement will really help me get through 1 more day... Of course, the wound is still very fresh, certainly for everyone in this particular thread. But that doesn't change the fact that he played a very large part in inflicting it. Beyond this agonizing withdrawal process, we can rediscover something that we forgot existed - a love without pain. If that's the potential I'm opening myself up to today, then I'd say this torment is a fair price to pay. stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
J Wool Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Imagine maintaining NC for 4 months and your ex emailed u a 5 para email. The 1st 4 para states all your faults (not 1 good) and the final 1 stating that they are now dating. WTF Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Imagine maintaining NC for 4 months and your ex emailed u a 5 para email. The 1st 4 para states all your faults (not 1 good) and the final 1 stating that they are now dating. WTF Omg Well, guess they arent all that happy with how they are doing, else they wouldnt have taken all that time to write a novella email trying to bring you down. Obviously they arent keeping all that busy in their own life eh?! Link to post Share on other sites
J Wool Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Yea, it hurts but I suck it, control my emo and tell her congrats...The other side is that in late June she said she is not over me, the beginning of Nov I received the email. On a social network (as some1 on here said "satan's notebook) all she posts is how wonderful her new BF is and in a single day she can post up to 10 things (love songs and quotes). Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Yea, it hurts but I suck it, control my emo and tell her congrats...The other side is that in late June she said she is not over me, the beginning of Nov I received the email. On a social network (as some1 on here said "satan's notebook) all she posts is how wonderful her new BF is and in a single day she can post up to 10 things (love songs and quotes). Yeah, shes not over you and putting all her energy into putting herself in your face..thats all it is. Shes trying to get a reaction out of you, best thing you can do is not react at all. Shes doing it for her benefit to try and hurt you, thats all..and it will end up coming right back to her if she gets the drift you could care less and not paying her any mind. Link to post Share on other sites
J Wool Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 I tell...4 months ago she deleted me from her frenz list on the social site and blocked me on msn. As hurt I was I contain myself, did not mention 2 her that I know. In the email she states that she is adding me back and hope I accept, which I did, checked to c what she is up to, then exit the social network completely. Feels damn good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newpriorities Posted November 16, 2010 Author Share Posted November 16, 2010 I tell...4 months ago she deleted me from her frenz list on the social site and blocked me on msn. As hurt I was I contain myself, did not mention 2 her that I know. In the email she states that she is adding me back and hope I accept, which I did, checked to c what she is up to, then exit the social network completely. Feels damn good. Why would you accept? Seems to me she got exactly what she wanted...which was a reaction from you. Not trying to be harsh here, but it sounds like she was trying to rub your nose in it! Be done with her! Link to post Share on other sites
J Wool Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 I think she wanted me to question her or reacted with jealousy why she moved on instead of trying to recon. Once she said to me that she was going on date and I reacted (now I remember she had a on her face after I reacted), then I went cold on her. I've been silent ever since, so yes I think she wanted to c some jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
steelknife Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 40th day today. and im stil alive.. the fog of depression is starting to lift. i still miss him. i still thnk of him each time of the day when i know specifically waht he is doing or where he's at. but..ive accepted that our paths crossed but shall never meet. like the twine. and im starting to look at myself again in a different perspective. i thnk i am in a better place. im not as caught up with my emotions as the first 3 weeks. im still in disbelief but, starting to feel indifferent.. and some realizations. the thing is, i dont really care anymore what i was to him, if he used me, then so be it. my bad. all i care about now is to never allow him to hurt me this way again. i need to cope and decide for myself. i should not let him make any decision as i have the right to refuse him. and reject him if need be. or drive him away the better. i should just accept him in my terms. why i put up with it for so long, i cant really tell. looking back, it was very demeaning for me. i had zero self esteem. the fact remains that if i rejected him before, or now, he has a home and a wife to go home to. whislt if i allow him to hurt me and he throws me under the bus again. where will i turn to? i need to stand up on my own and never allow him to hurt me again. i badly need to gain back my dignity and i am fully aware this is not an easy journey. he will always try to come back to me, i know that. because he loves me with conditions. and if i allow him, i know anyway where it will go and end. so waht for? i need to decide and help myself for my own sanity. if he really wants to come back to me. then fight for me. can he make it? will he do that for me? nah. dont thnk so. ive doing everything i can to avoid talking to him. i cringe at the thought bec the feeling of hurt is so painful i just dont want to hear him talk. i dotn wanna find out how he is, or if he is doing well. how he is coping. i dont care. and i dotn want to know. actually it would make me happy to know he is struggling still. but what good will it do to me anyway. i need to thnk for myself. if he made the decision. it doesnt mean it is right. maybe, it is for him. but not right for me, or us. if he cant fight for me, then whats the point? i can see the damage control he is doing to save his marriage. it is just sad to know he has to use and hurt someone for them to realized what their marriage meant to them. well. now. i dont hurt as much. he seem to be so far away from me. practically slowly fading into oblivion. he is becoming what he became to me after dday.. a stranger.. i realized we all come out a better person. we realize many things. it is all part of the human process. but the thing is, we cant force this on us. there just comes a certain time in your life when you know it is time to drop the heavy load.. i thank LS community and its posters. your all a big help tome. your stories and strength and postings. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Another day has passed.... How is everyone doing? Link to post Share on other sites
endlessness Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 I notice that when I get into stressful situations these days, instead of worrying about that particular situation, my mind becomes possessed with obsessive negative thoughts about my xMM. Weird. My body's new defence mechanism I presume? No urge break NC, though. Ever again. Hope everyone's doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Pokemon Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Day 7 and doing good. 17 days to go and I will be free (I am going home for the holidays and my family's support is -always- very strong)!!! I swing between being happy/free and down/depressed several times a day. It is very hard. I've thrown away his keys and garage opener so I won't drive by to see if his car is there (I did that once). No intention to break NC though. I know the depression is only temporary and I need to walk it to be through, but it is definitely tough now. I only hope 2 things: 1) He doesn't contact me. 2) I will eventually fall in love with someone who deserves all of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Katharin Clifton Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 17 days. But still stalking him on Facebook. Which is BAD. Must stop. Link to post Share on other sites
JustWannaStop Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I'm almost done with day one but I'm home now and my mind and emotions always get the best of me when I'm home in the evenings. I just want him to contact me so I feel better but I know that "feeling better" is fleeting and I will only end up taking two steps back from this one step I have taken today. I removed the block on his email address but I think I will put it back now because I really don't want to take even a half of a step back! Gonna go soak in the bath and pamper myself some. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts