Those who started NC in last 30 days--how's it going?

[JustWannaStop]

Sorry, need to vent here......I received about a dozen Thanksgiving well wishes from all kinds of people in my life, via text, email etc. But did I receive one thing from him? Of course not! Recall that as far as he is concerned, nothing has changed in our R. From my perspective, I went NC in that I no longer text or email...but we do see each other almost hourly at work. So he doesn't seem to think anything has changed. He actually tried to get me to f--k him in his office the other day. He uses that as his power/weapon, only now I do not fall for it. But anyways, i still am "shocked" (lord knows I don't know WHY) that I didn't hear from him at all during this special holiday. He is truly so unworthy and I really do NOT want him, so why does it bother me?

 

For me I think I feel like I don't deserve better. I don't know if it's the same for you but once I really started taking a good look at myself I realized I don't like who I've become and I feel like this is as good as it will get. It's like I'm punishing myself and I almost welcome each disappointment, let down and hurt that comes from being with him.

[JustWannaStop]

There is now no more wondering, no more is he going to call or text me? When are we going to meet? Is he ever going to get a divorce etc. I guess the thoughts are still there but less. Because of NC, I am slowly thinking about him less, and no longer know what is and isn't happening on the separation/divorce front.

 

I guess my next challenge would be to give up the hope (it's going slowly though). .

 

It's almost a relief to have decided to end this and go NC. When I blocked his email and phone # I felt a weight lift off of me. Of course now there is somewhat of an emptiness but it may just be the feeling that comes from the lack of this heavy burden I've been carrying for a year. It may really be peace.

 

Giving up hope is difficult. I still cling to that little fiber of hope that we will be together one day. But then I ask myself If I really want to spend my life with this man after seeing what he's put his wife and kids through (yes I had a hand in their pain too)? My last husband got involved with me very quickly after leaving his wife and guess what? Two years later he left me. As painful as that experience was, I learned alot from it (which isn't apparent since I am or was involved with a married man). I know that the liklihood of things working out with MM are slim to none. So try not to see yourself as having to give up hope for a furture with him. See it as gaining hope for a future with someone who will love and adore you and only you. You have made yourself available to a wonderful and well deserved future.

[blinded_27]

try not to see yourself as having to give up hope for a furture with him. See it as gaining hope for a future with someone who will love and adore you and only you. You have made yourself available to a wonderful and well deserved future.

 

Beautiful words. Saving to my list of quotes to help me through this

[Katharin Clifton]

After 25 days of NC, i caved in and sent him a text this morning.

 

It was just a simple "Good morning... :)".

 

I just miss him so much.

 

The thing that makes me so fed up with myself is that just 20 min before i sent that message i was doing my own self talk in the kitchen. I said this to myself:

"You gotta start doing things differently, Kath. It's been 3 months and things haven't really changed much for you. You are still so hung up on him."

 

And what did i do?

 

I sent him a text message/

 

Aargh...!!!!

 

That's it. No more!!! I will re-start my NC and this time i am going to make sure i stick to it.

 

(the problem is, i can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone...)

[Heather1]

I'm back in NC for 7 days. KC, don't beat yourself up I've gone through this so many times I just can't believe it!!

 

We're done when we're done, that's all there is to it. It's like (like? it is!) an addiction, you have to reach rock bottom before you can sweep up your self esteem & move on. I'm done!

 

I'm not in the same situation as most though, we had a mutual agreement that this would only be an A. I'm not doing NC w/ the love of my life. I ended it (or he pushed away, so I ended it) because he doesn't make me feel good anymore.

 

The pain of dealing w/ him outweighs the pain of letting him go....FINALLY!!!

[JustWannaStop]

After 25 days of NC, i caved in and sent him a text this morning.

 

It was just a simple "Good morning... :)".

 

I just miss him so much.

 

The thing that makes me so fed up with myself is that just 20 min before i sent that message i was doing my own self talk in the kitchen. I said this to myself:

"You gotta start doing things differently, Kath. It's been 3 months and things haven't really changed much for you. You are still so hung up on him."

 

And what did i do?

 

I sent him a text message/

 

Aargh...!!!!

 

That's it. No more!!! I will re-start my NC and this time i am going to make sure i stick to it.

 

(the problem is, i can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone...)

 

I caved today too. It's only been 2 days but still. I don't know why I emailed him. Now I'm all screwed up. Back to the drawing board....

[JustWannaStop]

Beautiful words. Saving to my list of quotes to help me through this

 

Thanks. I need to save it too and read it over and over again. I caved today and emailed him! Ug!!

[ItsNeverForever]

KC and JWS - I'm right there with you, don't fret. After doing so well, then spending a miserable Thanksgiving after breaking NC with that stupid text after 6 really strong days, and promising myself I'd get back on the horse and never break it again, I ran into him the very next day, and gave in to his charms. (@#$&*@#!!!!!) That in itself wasn't so bad, since it wasn't exactly my fault that he was somewhere he was NOT supposed to be (I always check the parking lot for his car, and if it had been there, I would have changed my plans for the night - turns out he was driving HER CAR. Ugh!!!). The bad part is that we spoke for a very long time on Saturday, and have communicated every day since...that's the part that's killing me. I'm still not ready to talk about it/post about it yet though, so that's all I'll say for now.

 

I just wanted to own up to it for my own sanity, and to let you know that you're not alone! Today is a new day, and at least we have that - a fresh opportunity to try again. A person can only do what they can do, and right now that's my only peace, accepting my limitations as a loving human being.

 

Hope everyone has a great, STRONG day. {{{hugs}}}

[newpriorities]

Ok everybody....I've seen bits and pieces of our stories popping up in other threads, but was just wondering how everyone is doing?

I still see mine at work everyday and it sucks big time. I'm off for two weeks and it's a relief, albeit painful one, not to see him. Can't stop checking my stinkin blackberry though!

Cheers!

[siuys]

Day 25. Doing good. Got 3 emails from him which I ignored. Focussing on me. Reminding myself that I do NOT want to undo all my hard work and go back to dysfunction. Next two weeks will not be as busy - will work a little, but also take time off - so good time to focus on myself more and think, can't 'run away' from things or bury myself in work so that's a good thing also. Happy holidays everyone.

[endlessness]

Total NC since mid-October. The anger has subsided significantly, which is a relief. Though my mind is still occupied by the thoughts of him, I suspect that is largely out of boredom and habit as opposed to any real yearning. I have no real interest in seeing or talking to him at this point, and I will try my damnedest to make sure our paths never cross again.

[calliope]

I'm on Day 16 NC/LC and it's very hard. I'm out of town for the holidays and 6500kms away from him, but it doesn't make it any easier. We work together so it's only a matter of time til I'll be right back to seeing him all the time.

 

...just waiting now for it to start getting easier....

[half_ofa_heart]

I'm a total failure

 

I was 1 month LC and hadn't seen him at all (longest since A started 18 months ago) NC on my part until last week. Now, not only communicating, I saw him and we've texted everyday since. I keep telling him I'm confused and trying to figure things out and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and misses me.

 

I have Monday to look forward to and trying to reclaim NC. Nothing has changed and if I let him back in my life, I will end up right back here... sad and alone. Tuesday I have my court appearance for my BK, then losing my house in the months to follow.

 

My life is a mess and trying to end things with him on top of all that feels like trying to run a marathon with no legs.

[newpriorities]

I'm a total failure

 

I was 1 month LC and hadn't seen him at all (longest since A started 18 months ago) NC on my part until last week. Now, not only communicating, I saw him and we've texted everyday since. I keep telling him I'm confused and trying to figure things out and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and misses me.

 

I have Monday to look forward to and trying to reclaim NC. Nothing has changed and if I let him back in my life, I will end up right back here... sad and alone. Tuesday I have my court appearance for my BK, then losing my house in the months to follow.

 

My life is a mess and trying to end things with him on top of all that feels like trying to run a marathon with no legs.

 

If you're sure about this, then you know what you need to do. You really have so much on your plate---so try and take a deep, deep breath, and take everything one day at a time, one piece at a time. Really try and take care of yourself and enjoy the most simple things in life! Try, try, try!

[half_ofa_heart]

If you're sure about this, then you know what you need to do. You really have so much on your plate---so try and take a deep, deep breath, and take everything one day at a time, one piece at a time. Really try and take care of yourself and enjoy the most simple things in life! Try, try, try!

 

My head IS sure about this, its convincing my heart that's the problem. I am enjoying every minute with my kids in our home. It's the only thing that brings me joy.

[siuys]

Day 27. Never thought I'd be able to do this. Day at a time. Still think about xMM far too much it's starting to piss me off. Anyway, working on concentrating on other aspects of my life too. Starting to enjoy my own company a lot more and wonder why the hell I put up with all that **** before...

[flowergirl77]

Good work to all of you who are stay NC..it takes a tremendous amount of strength and perseverance to end an A for good and really stick to the NC.

It is insanity at it's worst.

For me it was the realization that this A could only end in hurt, for me and all involved in the mess I created. The statistics show chances of a having a successful long term R with an AP is like 5 or 10%..very unlikely. So unless I wanted to keep going down my self destructive path, I had to put a stop to it if I wanted to save myself first, and then save my MG.

Here is a beautiful quote from a book called "Broken Open" that says it all. (I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a soul touching read BTW.)

 

"From the beginning

I knew meeting could only end in parting, yet

I ignored the coming dawn

And I gave myself to you"

 

...still makes me want to cry, but this is an Affair summed up in a few lines.

[Hazyhead]

 

"From the beginning

I knew meeting could only end in parting, yet

I ignored the coming dawn

And I gave myself to you"

 

 

That's a beautiful quote, flowergirl.

[DanY2J]

I am day 1 from tomorrow! New Years Day (Kinda ironic i guess)

 

Anyway just got off the phone to my MW as she was on her way back from work.

 

She said she had missed me over the christmas period and was looking forward to seeing me back at work next week although she wont get to see much of me as she is taking some time off herself the following week.

 

I probed and asked her what she was doing and at first she just said i dont want to say as it will cause an argument on New Years Eve. Eventually she said she was going away (with hubby) for 10 days as she needed some sun. She said i dont want you to be upset but would you have preffered i said i was just at home and that we both need to take holidays!

 

She has been away once before in the 9 months we have been together but that was in the first 2 months so it didnt really bother me as we were just having fun at that point. Now that feelings are involved from both of us (we have said we love each other) i just feel its a little differant now.

 

Lets see how we get on with NC!

[newpriorities]

I am day 1 from tomorrow! New Years Day (Kinda ironic i guess)

 

Anyway just got off the phone to my MW as she was on her way back from work.

 

She said she had missed me over the christmas period and was looking forward to seeing me back at work next week although she wont get to see much of me as she is taking some time off herself the following week.

 

I probed and asked her what she was doing and at first she just said i dont want to say as it will cause an argument on New Years Eve. Eventually she said she was going away (with hubby) for 10 days as she needed some sun. She said i dont want you to be upset but would you have preffered i said i was just at home and that we both need to take holidays!

 

She has been away once before in the 9 months we have been together but that was in the first 2 months so it didnt really bother me as we were just having fun at that point. Now that feelings are involved from both of us (we have said we love each other) i just feel its a little differant now.

 

Lets see how we get on with NC!

 

So how are you feeling? I don't want to project my own experience onto you, but for me, when this type of things happened, it really hurt--even though I knew it "shouldn't" because I didn't have the "right" to claim anything!

When you say you are NC is that just because she is away and you will resume your R with her when she returns? Or did you end it?

[DanY2J]

So how are you feeling? I don't want to project my own experience onto you, but for me, when this type of things happened, it really hurt--even though I knew it "shouldn't" because I didn't have the "right" to claim anything!

When you say you are NC is that just because she is away and you will resume your R with her when she returns? Or did you end it?

 

I would like to hear your own experience with regards to this? How did you feel? Or say to him/her?

 

No she isnt away until the 12th January, i just thought i would go NC now and try and move on. I dont see how we can continue now? All i feel is saddness when we are apart and now knowing she is going away with him i feel that if we stay as we are those 10 days will be torture.

 

I dont know how i feel??? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? I knwo at the moment because i am upset and dont want to talk to her that will see me through but in a couple of days or so i will start to miss her.

 

I have not told her "its over" - i dont really know what to do with that part?

Edited December 31, 2010 by DanY2J

[newpriorities]

I would like to hear your own experience with regards to this? How did you feel? Or say to him/her?

 

No she isnt away until the 12th January, i just thought i would go NC now and try and move on. I dont see how we can continue now? All i feel is saddness when we are apart and now knowing she is going away with him i feel that if we stay as we are those 10 days will be torture.

 

I dont know how i feel??? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? I knwo at the moment because i am upset and dont want to talk to her that will see me through but in a couple of days or so i will start to miss her.

 

I have not told her "its over" - i dont really know what to do with that part?

 

I felt just awful, my imagination would just run wild..."Are they having wild passionate sex? Are they laughing and cuddling.." etc. sorry to be so blunt, it was just horribly painful. I NEVER asked him. While he was gone I just tried to keep myself busy, busy, busy.....Until, 2.5 yrs into the R we actually talked about his physical R w/his W. He claimed that they hadn't had sex since one year before I even came on the scene. Really? How was I supposed to believe that? The thing is, when we would try and have these difficult conversations, you can never be sure you are receiving the truth. The AP doesn't want to hurt you and so they will omit details, spin the story a different way ("Oh, the trip was alright, we fought a lot"...blah, blah blah) How do I know this? Because for the first part of my A, I was still M and that is what I said to my AP. I loved him so much and I didn't want to hurt him so I never told him that my H and I had sex once in awhile--I didn't even tell him about a trip my H and I took. At the time, I withheld that information because I didn't want to inflict pain on my AP/MM, but now, looking back, I think I was just scared that I would lose him. Even though he was M, I was afraid he would leave if he knew some of that stuff. See how twisted this all can be?

I tried accepting that this was just part of being in the A and to just enjoy the A for what it was. But, like you, the feelings just keep deepening and I couldn't take the mental anguish anymore. So, I ended it (about one month ago). But also like you, I didn't tell him it was "over". I just passively let it die, until this week, when I sent him an email and did tell him it was over, that I just didn't want to live like this anymore. Of course he never responded and I will see him at work on Monday, but so be it. I feel better than I have in months.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is difficult. Does she talk to you about the state of her M? Are you M? You mentioned that this started as just for fun. Do you guys talk about a future together? My A started for "fun" too...oh boy.

Hang in there!

[DanY2J]

I felt just awful, my imagination would just run wild..."Are they having wild passionate sex? Are they laughing and cuddling.." etc. sorry to be so blunt, it was just horribly painful. I NEVER asked him. While he was gone I just tried to keep myself busy, busy, busy.....Until, 2.5 yrs into the R we actually talked about his physical R w/his W. He claimed that they hadn't had sex since one year before I even came on the scene. Really? How was I supposed to believe that? The thing is, when we would try and have these difficult conversations, you can never be sure you are receiving the truth. The AP doesn't want to hurt you and so they will omit details, spin the story a different way ("Oh, the trip was alright, we fought a lot"...blah, blah blah) How do I know this? Because for the first part of my A, I was still M and that is what I said to my AP. I loved him so much and I didn't want to hurt him so I never told him that my H and I had sex once in awhile--I didn't even tell him about a trip my H and I took. At the time, I withheld that information because I didn't want to inflict pain on my AP/MM, but now, looking back, I think I was just scared that I would lose him. Even though he was M, I was afraid he would leave if he knew some of that stuff. See how twisted this all can be?

I tried accepting that this was just part of being in the A and to just enjoy the A for what it was. But, like you, the feelings just keep deepening and I couldn't take the mental anguish anymore. So, I ended it (about one month ago). But also like you, I didn't tell him it was "over". I just passively let it die, until this week, when I sent him an email and did tell him it was over, that I just didn't want to live like this anymore. Of course he never responded and I will see him at work on Monday, but so be it. I feel better than I have in months.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is difficult. Does she talk to you about the state of her M? Are you M? You mentioned that this started as just for fun. Do you guys talk about a future together? My A started for "fun" too...oh boy.

Hang in there!

 

I guess the thing i struggle with is, that if she is happy enough to go and be with him 24hr a day for 10 days then she should stop seeing me and i just feel that whenever she has told me she loves me its all a bit of a lie.

 

But then the other part of me thinks did i actually think that she would never go away with him again. I just feel a bit stupid.

 

She only really talks about when we have had a couple of drinks as it is easier for her to open up. I know she was not happy in her marriage when we first started but then it all become a bit of a drug for both of us. Neither of us could end it as we enjoyed each others company so much and it just went from there.

 

I dont believe they have sex often going on comments she makes but i dont actually ask that question, but then like you say you dont know how much infomation you are getting is the truth.

 

I am not married, i am also 7 years younger than her. (25- 32)

 

We have not talked about the future, i think i know in my heart she wont leave him. She seems happy enough for us to carry on as we are but mental pressure to do that and the missing her all the time has just got a bit too much.

 

Well it started as fun, she is an attractive women and a lot of the guys in the office fancied her, i had not been there too long and i was just really flattered and i was not seeing anyone at the time and i thought why not? But then feelings got involved as i knew they might - i just thought she would end it before it got too heavy as she had things too lose.

 

Thanks for talking to me!

[DanY2J]

Day 2

 

Had my phone off since friday night since she text me this.

 

"I dont do these things to pi55 you off, i just need to get away for some sunshine to try and shift this cold that i have had for weeks. I thought you would understand that and now i am just more stressed!

 

At that point i just turned it off and have not turned it back on since.

 

What could she possibly be stressed about?? in just over a week she is going away to a sunny country for 10 days to relax - i would kill for that at the start of January!

 

Anyway, i know at some point i need to turn my phone back on and i need to go back to work on tuesday to possibly face her.

 

I dont know what to say, or if i even want to say anything to her.

 

Today has been tough.

[Confused4Now]

Day 2

 

Had my phone off since friday night since she text me this.

 

"I dont do these things to pi55 you off, i just need to get away for some sunshine to try and shift this cold that i have had for weeks. I thought you would understand that and now i am just more stressed!

 

At that point i just turned it off and have not turned it back on since.

 

What could she possibly be stressed about?? in just over a week she is going away to a sunny country for 10 days to relax - i would kill for that at the start of January!

 

Anyway, i know at some point i need to turn my phone back on and i need to go back to work on tuesday to possibly face her.

 

I dont know what to say, or if i even want to say anything to her.

 

Today has been tough.

You have to understand...your MW wants to minimize things in her life cause she's struggling with this too. MW will always take the path of least resistance in a situation like this. She doesn't want to hurt you nor does she want to get hurt as well. She's selfish...what can I say.

 

I was MM who got divorced before, during and after my A with my MW. If there is no dialog of her leaving her H for you or anything like that...it's not going to happen. She's just a cake eater.

 

Good luck....