Seperated 6 months and lonlier than ever. Can marriage be rescued?

[MaryYetGrieving]

Hello everyone. I don't know where to start...

 

I'm seperated from my husband now six months. Its been very hard. At first, well, it was also hard, but then there was a sense of quiet. But soon after the lonliness set in. I have a son, age 8, and I do well for him, but I have so much to do around the house and have a job that requires me to rotate shifts. I have to rely on friends and babysitters, so he is lonly too. I work myself ragged till exhaustion so I can fall asleep more easily. I have some friends and a sister in the area, but day to day, I am alone.

 

We seperated for the same reasons a lot of people do, I guess. We would argue a lot, yell and scream and say nasty things to each other. It wasnt all the time, but it hurt when it happened. Each bad arguement added a stick to the camel, until it was too much. There were a couple times we threw things at each other or pushed each other. It was crazy, how we were.

 

But now I've found that day to day he was always there for me. He picked up the slack with our boy when i went on rotation and takes (took) great care of him. He always helped the house work but even more so when i went to the new shift. So now I'm starting to feel how much I've lost and the arguments and the bad blood seems to have faded and left a big hole. I wonder how much of it I was responsible for, and how mch was him. I blamed him for all of it. Men are supposed to protect women, right?

 

We've been going to a marriage councilor and working through these issues. He's been trying. I have too, a little, but I'm scared of feeling all that frustration and anger again. He's been wonderful. I've learned a lot about him. A whole layer has been stripped away and I see this boy that I never knew lay under all the layers on top. I love him, but I hate him.

 

I went on a date. Its a secret. It was very strange to have this new man who did not know me. I was on my guard the whole time. Conversation was hard, but I was feeling so alone.

 

What do I do???

[overseas2004]

If you can you should try to save your mairrage. I know that may seem really hard right now after all the arguments. And of course you should not go back to the relationship the way it was. That will not be good for you or him or the boy.

 

Chances are... both of you were to blame. I don't think it is important who was more to blame at all and I would not even go into this analysis if I were you.

 

You are starting to see some of the things that you appreciated about your husband now that he is gone. I think you should try to focus on this as well..

 

I don't know how to end the vicious cycle of arguments. That I can't advise you on because I have a pretty hot temper too. But what I do suggest is that the two of you find some way to stop that before you get together again.

 

As for the date,,,, well like I said. I would first try to salvage my mairrage if I were you. Especially if the man was not beating on you, lying to you, drinking or drugging. It sounds like you had a pretty responsible husband and that you loved each other.

 

It is hard to get things back on track but I do believe it is always possible. Especially if you pray.

 

Take care and good luck

 

If you need more advice or just someone to write back and forth to you can PM me your e-mail. I am going through a really really hard break up now and it helps me to focus on other people's problems. Thinking about mine will drive me insane....

 

Take care...

[NEONINK]

I just want to say about marriage counselors.

 

When I was married, I saw 2. They were crap.

Since I've been single, I've seen 2 others. They were crap.

Recently, I was stuck on a break-up/relationship issue and picked a random one with marriage credentials, she's wonderful. Direct and in-your-face. Has specialized in COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES.

 

That's a key ingredient.

Find a counselor that can teach you each how to talk to one another.

[MaryYetGrieving]

Our councilor is really good. Its a man, which I thought would be bad for both of us, but he has been very compasionate.

 

As to communication - I know I know I know. I've heard and been told and feel like this is the biggie. I'm working on it. He is to. I've noticed big changes and a lot of commitment from him.

 

They say a marriage takes work, and now I know that to be true.

 

PS... Anyone know how to fix a leaking faucet or clean the lint tube???

[NEONINK]

Someone recommended on this site earlier

 

Love Is Never Enough : How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve

by Aaron T. Beck (Author)

 

 

I bought it thru Amazon used. It is absolutely the best book I've ever read. and it's easy to understand. Highly recommended!

[JULES]

Wow! I'm actucally considering a seperation for alot of the same reasons. Thinking that maybe it would help to appreciate each other. To be able to get a better perspective on things. Or just maybe this is the beginning of the end. I'm 39 and have been married for 3 yrs. The idea of dating again makes me cringe. I just remember when we were dating(living sepertly)things were good. We treated each other better, and our time together wasn't spent batteling with each other over any, and everything.

 

As far as you go, I predict you'll get back together. It's wonderful you going to counceling. That means alot.I'm sure he's lonley too. I'm going through the same thing. The grass usually isnt usually greener on the other side. So what to do?

 

 

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!

 

 

Jules

[Fedup&givingup]

I agree and have had the same experiences with marriage counselors...we've seen two that I thought were NOT worth their salt. Having a good counselor is the key.

 

It's OK to argue, it's "how" you do it, I guess that matters. Arguing and fighting is actually somewhat necessary in order to make a relationship thrive. Pushing and putting each other down is NOT healthy, obviously.

 

I honestly think that your marriage has a great chance of survival. From the sound of things, you are both trying to make it work...that shows great respect for this relationship on both ends, which is what it takes.

 

In regard to going on a date...no harm done, and the fact that you felt very awkward about the whole thing convinces me more that your marriage can be resolved. My suggestion would be to tell your husband about it (one day, now is not the time), because that's the honest thing to do.

 

Good luck to you!!!!

[MaryYetGrieving]

I was in New York alone for a few days. While there I thought alot about everything friends, family, our councilor, and my husabnd has been saying and doing. Life is not perfect, but it was not a liveing H*** either. In the end, the chance for a good life with him was equal to the chance of one without. In the end his changes and my son's sadness seemed to say something.

 

My husband has moved back home. It was a big step for both of us, more so for me I think. It's still tense, but he has been wonderful. He listens and shares more of his day. I feel good. I know we have a long way to go.

 

Our boy is overjoyed. That alone has been so wonderful to see.

 

Thanks for all your advice.

[Arabess]

Mary,

You've gotten great advice here......

 

However:

 

Where is your faucet leaking? Chances are it's either clogged up or needs a new washer. Can you take it apart to check it? If it's clogged, clean it out. If it's a washer, pull out the little runner thing and get a new one at the hardware store for less than a dollar.

 

Which lent tube are you talking about? The one for the Dryer?