Cheated on husband for first time...now what?

[Distant78]

Actually I've seen that particular aspect addressed from time to time, always, it seems, by the guys who got cheated on.

 

What is it with so many of these women when they decided to cheat? Not only do they make themselves much more "accessible" to everyone except their bf or husband; they often go crazy with doing very kinky sexual stuff that they would not do in their "real" relationship. In an affair, it's "hot" to be "dirty."

 

Unfortunately I think most cheaters, both men and women, are just complete phoneys. They present an image to get someone to fall in love/marry/support them, but that's not who they really are. They often want to claim that the cheating is aberrant behavior, but in reality, I think with a lot of them, the cheater is who they really are. It's the reality underneath the mask.

 

Agreed. And I've been researching that cheaters have some borderline personality/mental issues when participating in such destructive behavior. It's really sad to know humans can do such damaging behavior when in relationships with such ease that range from a few months to even years.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Ok I guess I deserve some of the comments that have been made. I did forget to include that I have been telling my husband for a long time how I felt neglected.. Not just because of lack of sex. He did not take me seriously until I told him I wanted a divorce. He refused counseling until now. So yes it may seem like I'm a heartless person to some of you but I never ever thought I would break my wedding vows. I never cheated on anyone in the past. I don't know how I got here.

 

You could have asked for a divorce and got him to recognize the issue without having an affair.

 

You got where your at by being lazy and selfish. If you had put in the work your marriage would not have sucked. Initiating sex a few times and nagging counts for a big fat zero effort. Yes, your H put no work in either... but he isn't cheating.

 

Sure you never cheated before... when things were good to mildly sucking.. It's how you act when the chips are really down that shows your true character.

 

So... my advice is this. Put your big girl panties on and face the music. Get honest with your husband and tell him what's going on. Don't make him work his ass off for a marriage your not putting effort into... that's a crappy thing to do. If you want to leave him and not tell... get off the crapper and do it.

 

Seriously... everyone makes bad choices sometimes. It's how you deal with them that shows what kind of person you are. Are you a good person? Or are lacking human decency?

[Azazeal]

...now what?

 

Tell your husband that you cheated, and give him the gift of divorce.

You don't care for him or love him. At the end of your original post, read the last two sentences. You are questionning if the other man would leave his wife for you, and that you'd hate to wait another year to see if it would happen.

I see no remorse or empathy from you.

 

Your husband has been working his ass off in school. I am sure he is doing this not only for himself, but also for you and the marriage When he gets his master's degree, all of the hard work will literally pay off. Yet, you decide to feel sorry for yourself.

 

Your post reeks of self-centerdness and blaming. You know in your mind he cheated? The same man that, from your own words, has dedicated all of his time to school and work. If you had said you felt it in your gut, maybe more slack would be given. However, since you know in your mind, you've made it up. You're just giving more justification for your actions.

 

Tell him about your actions. Answer everything he asks and do not trickle truth him. Tell him, answer him, divorce him.

Do NOT try and rape him in court. You did this, you made the choice, suck it up and deal with the consequences.

Pursue the other man.

Get dumped by other man, start to realize the pain and hurt you've caused.

Go get professional help, like a therapist.

Leave your ex husband alone. Let him heal and move on.

 

So...now what?

 

PS. These statements of "I don't know how this happened"...they're bull****. You didn't trip and land on his dick. You didn't text him a typo. You made a conscious choice. And you left your husband to deal with this choice. Stop making decisions about your "marriage" without your husbands input.

 

So...now what?

[smilesalot1]

Why would expect this guy to leave his partner, mother of his child, when you aren't even leaving your husband? First off, divorce your husband REGUARDLESS of what the other man does or doesn't do. It isn't fair to your H.

 

Why not tell your husband the truth! Tell him that you have been feeling neglected and lonely so you reached out to another man, had sex, thought it was just going to be about sexual needs being met, but you let yourself fall for this guy and now you want to be that other guy IF he leaves his partner. See what your husband says and thinks about this.

 

Maybe he'll like the idea of having an open marriage, so both of you can have someone on the side. Or maybe he'll want a divorce.

 

Whatever feelings you have for your husband ARE STILL THERE!! You've let things get in the way, buried feelings and now resentments have built up and that is what made you decide and choose to go outside of marriage. Instead of continually working on yourself, finding things to make yourself happy (not cheating but finding hobbies, etc) keeping busy and working WITH your husband to make the marriage work. I get that he hasn't been sexual and that IS an issue, but it's not an excuse to go looking outside of the marriage. You two could have bought sex toys, still fooled around and all.

 

Anyway, sooner or later YOU need to make a choice. Fix your marriage or divorce. To continue to be selfish and cheat isn't fair at all. To your husband, or to your family unit.

 

What ever happened to "IM NOT IN LOVE ANYMORE...WE NEED TO FIX IT OR GET DIVORCED???

 

MARRIAGE COUNCELING??? GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

 

SOUNDS JUST LIKE THE B***** EXWIFE OF MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

 

YOU REMIND ME SO MUCH OF HER...SELFISH, DISHONEST AND COMPLETELY UNLOYAL TO A MAN THAT IS WORKING HARD TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND PROVIDE. I QUIT READING YOUR POST TOO SOON TO EVEN KNOW IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN. I HOPE NOT. IF YOU DO YOU ARE CHEATING THEM AS WELL. GROW UP AND REALIZE A REAL MAN JUST DON'T SHOWER YOU WITH COMPLIMENTS AND ATTENTION...HE DROWNS YOU IN LOVE. UNFORTUNATELY, SWEETIE IT IS YOUR HUSBAND IS THE ONE DROWNING... IN A SEA OF LIES. WAKE UP!!!! GET A DIVORCE. YOUR HUSBAND DESERVES BETTER. THERE ARE GOOD WOMEN OUT IN THE WORLD THAT WILL BE ABOUT HIM INSTEAD OF THEMSELVES.

[smilesalot1]

what ever happened to "im not in love anymore...we need to fix it or get divorced???

 

Marriage counceling??? Give me a break!!!

 

Sounds just like the b***** exwife of my current boyfriend.

 

You remind me so much of her...selfish, dishonest and completely unloyal to a man that is working hard to save a marriage and provide. I quit reading your post too soon to even know if you have children. I hope not. If you do you are cheating them as well. Grow up and realize a real man just don't shower you with compliments and attention...he drowns you in love. Unfortunately, sweetie it is your husband is the one drowning... In a sea of lies. Wake up!!!! Get a divorce. Your husband deserves better. There are good women out in the world that will be about him instead of themselves.

 

 

self center women like you make me sick. I am struggling to peice together a broken man that was married to someone like you. God and it's ugly... I could post all night, but somehow you will justify yourself so i am not wasting anymore time on this crap.

[alexandria35]

No need to keep replying to the OP, looks like she hasn't been here for a couple of months. Someone resurrected this thread yesterday, seemingly solely for the purpose giving the OP a high five for cheating on her husband.

[smilesalot1]

No need to keep replying to the OP, looks like she hasn't been here for a couple of months. Someone resurrected this thread yesterday, seemingly solely for the purpose giving the OP a high five for cheating on her husband.

 

Thanks for telling me about the OP. BUT I SURE ENJOYED TYPING MY FEELING OF THIS SICK TWISTED MATTER. I HATE WHEN MEN ARE TRYING TO BETTER THEMSELVES AND PROVIDE AND SELF CENTERED WOMEN DON'T SEE THEY ARE DOING IT FOR THEM ALSO.

[Woggle]

Thanks for telling me about the OP. BUT I SURE ENJOYED TYPING MY FEELING OF THIS SICK TWISTED MATTER. I HATE WHEN MEN ARE TRYING TO BETTER THEMSELVES AND PROVIDE AND SELF CENTERED WOMEN DON'T SEE THEY ARE DOING IT FOR THEM ALSO.

 

If more women thought like you the dating world would be so much better. You remind me of my wife and she is a big part of the reason why I want to try my hardest to conquer my demons.

[whammy]

Actually I've seen that particular aspect addressed from time to time, always, it seems, by the guys who got cheated on.

 

What is it with so many of these women when they decided to cheat? Not only do they make themselves much more "accessible" to everyone except their bf or husband; they often go crazy with doing very kinky sexual stuff that they would not do in their "real" relationship. In an affair, it's "hot" to be "dirty."

 

Unfortunately I think most cheaters, both men and women, are just complete phoneys. They present an image to get someone to fall in love/marry/support them, but that's not who they really are. They often want to claim that the cheating is aberrant behavior, but in reality, I think with a lot of them, the cheater is who they really are. It's the reality underneath the mask.

 

I totally agree with you it makes me wonder why marriage interests people like that when it is not a lifestyle that suits the "real" them. i kinda have a story that back up my opinion. When I was about 20 I was lucky enough to find a girl that wanted a lifestyle of sexual experimentation... and she wanted to do it with me (that was the lucky part), we did everything bdsm, threesomes, rough, "made love", did it public...everything. Our whole relationship was nothing but sexual. Now, by nature, I not really like that in relationship...Im a one woman guy that likes commitment but in this relationship we brought other people in the bedroom from the beginning. My reason for argreeing to it was because I didnt have feelings for her yet so it didnt hurt to "share" her and I saw that the relationship only had 2 possibilities. 1.) we would phase out and stop doing this together (break up). 2.) or we would turn into a real, monogamous, couple in love. over a couple of months we kind of just had our fill of each other and went our separate ways. But, these days relationships seem to go the opposite direction. Couples mistakingly get together and get married as real, monogamous couples and then have the desire to experiment sexually and the desire is so strong that the one "fix" is enough to throw their whole life as they know it away...(and they do it with just about anyone. ive seen married women cheat and fall for guys they wouldnt even give the time of day to back when they were single) i think because it wasnt the real them to begin with...they just played along for ten years because they had security or whatever.

growing up ive seen the behavior of lots of married, suburban women and it digusts me. like in high school and college going to friends houses for neighborhood parties and all that. Its like every woman was dying to get attention from other men...they openly flirted like crazy and it got worse as they drank. and it was always the women starting it. Even with me...grinding me like they were 19 year old girls. I cant count how many times ive seen random things like going upstairs and walking in on the mothers of my friends alone in a dark hallway with some "family friend" or husbands buddy or sneaking in or going out a side garage door (or whatever) secluded from the rest of the party with some other guy and the going different directions to go back and join everyone else.

ok im rambnling and i dont really know where im going with this story but it made me realize that if I ever get married I dont want your typical suburban marriage.

 

its like the old saying. "women marry men hoping they will change and they never do, men marry women hoping they will never change and they always do."

Edited January 12, 2011 by whammy