mixed signals

[tenderhearted]

Hello everyone.

 

I've been browsing the boards for awhile now and finally I need to post about my situation.

 

I recently initiated NO CONTACT after reading advice given to other people on this board in my situation. My boyfriend and I broke up months ago and have continued to remain in contact. We were still playing the role of gf/bf but just didn't have the official title. Also its been on again, off again throughout because I'd get tired of our "relationship" not going anywhere and I'd pull away, only to be sucked back in again by his kind words and professing his love for me.

 

Recently I found out he's been talking to other girls though he insists they are just friends and nothing more. I really began to doubt him and started wondering if we'd EVER get back together, especially with these outside influences he calls "friends."

 

So finally I decided that I couldn't hang on and wait for him to make up his mind about being with me anymore and that if he didn't know then I'd have to make the choice for him. I told him that he wasn't to contact me anymore. He didn't get it at first and called everday for a week. I stayed strong and never answered his calls. Another week goes by (no phone calls) and then yesterday he called and I answered. He told me he missed me and loved me and that he missed what we had. Said that he wanted it all back and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, BUT in the same breath he said he had to go and that he'd call me back later. I said NO and slammed the phone down.

 

WTF??? How can he know all of that and feel those emotions but his actions aren't saying the same thing? I don't understand this. I'm going crazy trying to figure out why we aren't back together if he knows how he feels about me and is sure about it. He said he is miserable without me, blah blah but he's not making an effort to get back with me.

 

Can someone give me some perspective on this PLEASE?!?

[morrigan]

He seems to like to keep you dangling. He may want you to fall back on if his other relationship options don't pan out.

 

You also asked him not to call you. He ignores your request and harasses you everyday for a week. In his mind, he's losing control of his hold on you, and he's worried that he's losing a source of emotional supply. It doesn't sound very respectful.

 

Sorry, but this is one fish I'd be dumping back into the water.

[tenderhearted]

Thanks for your honest input.

 

I guess I kind of knew this all along, now my heart just needs to catch up.

 

The no contact has really helped me to put things into perspective but then when he calls saying those things then it just confuses me alot. I guess I should not have answered that phone. I'll know better next time.

 

If I stick to no contact and he sees that he won't have me to fall back on, will this make him realize he's going to lose me for good and possibly he'll decide to get in this relationship again? Also if I'm not having contact with him how will I know if he does decide that he wants to be with me? I won't know because I'll be avoiding him. Should I look for more concrete signs other than phone calls that he wants to get back together?

 

I don't know, a part of me just says f*ck him, I deserve better but there's that part that still wants to hold on.

[morrigan]

There's a good discussion on the No Contact policy over in the Second Chances forum--read those posts unless you have already.

 

You felt that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. He tells you, over and over, that he wants to be with you fully, but then he says goodbye and backs off. Any new relationship you might attempt with him would likely produce the same behaviors on both sides. You may want him back, but you have to realize you might not get him back, or you will only get him back on his terms.

[Velveteel]

It seems to me that you've gotten the result you were looking for with the No Contact. You wanted him to ask for you back, and he has. I don't see the purpose of you waiting around now, playing some kind of "Will He Try Again?" game. If you want this guy, you must take the risk of getting re-involved with him. But tell him you need some security. You need to move slowly. You need to feel his UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Tell him not to profess his undying love for you when he has to get off the phone two minutes later. That's ridiculous.

 

If he can't show you love in the ways you need (and you may have to tell him specifically what those ways are), then he's not your man.

 

Good luck!

[NEONINK]

YOU GOTTA WALK THE WALK, NOT JUST TALK THE TALK.

 

Right?

 

Of course, he may have rushed off the phone in an effort to avoid rejection. That's very likely.

 

 

Tony Robbins says we do things to get pleasure and avoid pain. How true!