waiting or wasting Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 I am married and had a six month affair with a MM. I am in the process of separating from my H. I stopped loving him many years ago, but the affair gave me incentive to do something about it, as it helped me to realize that there is life beyond a dead marriage. I have two children. MM is also in a miserable marriage (so he claims). He told me that he wants to leave the marriage but needs time to do so (two years or so). He has two children approaching teen years. I told MM that continuing in the affair is wrong and too painful (he was NOT emotionally available to me) and that if he was not going to leave her by this June, then I would have to be out of his life. He understands that any contact with him is very painful for me if it cannot be done within the context of a "normal" relationship. He could not meet my proposed time frame, and continued to discuss a longer plan to leave (two years). It has been 24 days of NC. I miss him terribly (the only man I ever TRULY loved). Should I continue to hope he will eventually leave and we will be together, OR, forget him (although I am finding the latter option extremely difficult)? Link to post Share on other sites
saintfrancis Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 My friend, forget him. This is coming from someone who also was (note the past tense) involved with a married man. Feel free to read my posts. Mine never gave me a definite date that he would start a divorce, but he would tell me about timeframes within which he intended to act, but then later always had an excuse why he couldn't. This went on several times. As each time approached, it came and went without incident. I guarantee that will happen to you as well. Think of it this way, how can he even know where his marriage will be at in TWO YEARS?!? Maybe he will have a change of heart by then, it does happen. He can't possibly say to you, with any resolve, "I am definitely going to be free in two years." Sorry, but that's bullcrap. Sounds like he wants to string you along. You have also stated already that he is emotionally unavailable to you... you may want to think about why that is, and if that will ever really change. Not likely. I'm not trying to sound uncaring about your situation. I've been there, so I know how you're feeling. At some point, however, people on the "other person" end of the stick have to face reality. And that sucks. But, eventually you recover and go on to find someone else who will love you, or if you reconnect with this man AFTER he is divorced, then more power to you. Until then, tell him to take a number and wait in line. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 You made the right choice to get out of a loveless marriage. The MM doesn't seem to like to make choices, or maybe he feels like he doesn't have to. He didn't give his wife a choice about the future of their marriage by hiding from her what's been going on. But he has given you a choice by asking you to wait for him until some indeterminate future date. Stay and wait in the wings, or get on with your life. There are a lot of other people who have been down the same one way, dead end road. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 I want to congratulate you on 24 days of no contact. I know it's excruciating. Your MM may really love you and want to be with you, but his ties at home are too strong. He's fantasizing a life with you, rather than making it happen. Make sure you don't do the same thing. Build a beautiful new life without him, and another wonderful (but this time single) man will appear--just as he did--at the right moment. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 I join Velveteel in congratulating you on one of the hardest and best things you have ever done - and will continue to do. You stopped drifting out to sea, and you have started swimming for the shore. Your arms are going to ache...oh yeah...but you will make it. And once you're on the shore...you will imagine being that little chunk of wood still drifting...and you will thank your lucky stars, and LS, and bless your own courage and strength. Cry, scream, kick, work out, clean out the fridge, clean out your head, get a manicure/pedicure/massage. Rent some good movies. Hug yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 I have the same circumstances as you - except I am a llittle further ahead of you in the heartbreak arena. As you, I am married with two children and have been unhappy for the last 8 years of my marriage and wanting to separate. I had met my MM 8 years ago, and had a brief affair that was very emotional. From one day to the next he walked out of my life never to hear from him again. Until last year. He professed that he had loved me then and still does, and that he was scared then and did not have the guts to tell me. When I first saw him again, I knew I was still in love with him. We started right where we left off. Soul mates--being together forever--the only one he ever loved...etc.... Close to one year of professing all his love. March 23rd he told his wife he wanted a divorce. From then on he was different - like a completely different person - he didn't want to talk--nothing. I was totally hurt. He said he needed time, he could not think or make a decision. He told me he was struggling with his feelings for me and his wife. A week later he left a message that he needed to talk. I already knew it was bad news. He had made a 180 degree turn. He now realized that he was still in love with his wife and wants to work things out. I have been utterly destroyed. I still want him to come back. It has been since March 12 with no contact. I am just as confused. He was so convinced that he wanted to be with me and then this change? I want keep hope but I do read all these posts about how MM are all the same and that the never leave their wives. What do you do. believe that everything you felt and were told is a lie or keep hope? I don't have an answer yet. Link to post Share on other sites
sdc Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I have just "mutually!!" ended a 6 month affair with a married man. The details of the story are exactly the same as for every other woman who becomes involved with a married man. So no need to go into all that ....affairs with married men are just the same in the UK and the world over! But I just wanted to share this with you....we finally ended it on Easter Monday, I had told myself all along that it could never and would never last , so although this week has been incredibly painful and I have cried rivers of tears!! I was building up to the point where I knew we would finish it someday. And I knew it would be heartbreaking. I knew I would have to go through all the emotions and so just woke up each day and asked myself how I felt today!!..believe it or not on one day I felt really good, free, even proud of myself!, made myself feel sorry for him cos I am still single and can go out there again and find a true love again ..obviously with a single bloke! but he has to return to trying to make his marriage work , with someone he claims not to love anymore, cos he cant leave beacuse the guilt is too strong! ( I realise that might sound very callous but I am just explaining the different things I felt and made myself believe so that I could stand by my decision) But have to say THE BEST THING that has got me through the week has been listening and sobbing my heart out to Celine Dion's - Just Walk Away. If any of you are in the same situation I advise you to go out and get a copy of this song straight away.. it must have been written about being the OW!!!... Its probably going to take me longer than I think at the moment to get over it completely, but for now, I can say I am on the way. Listen to the song and do as it says....Just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 I guarantee that will happen to you as well. Waiting, I agree with what alot of the ladies said with the exception that there are NO guarantees..I don't believe that anyone can guarantee anything.. Based on alot of what we have seen MM usually don't leave wives...BUT I have seen one who has and they are making more babies to add to their blended family. My intention is not to give you false hope, but to offer some perspective. This man loves you...yes? That is what is keeping you hooked, your memories..But, love is more than a feeling, it is action...This was told to me by an almost wayward MM...who had feelings for another woman, but didn't act on them. Yours did, and a relationship developed. Asking if he will choose you or not requires a crystal ball that allows you to see the internal clockwork of a man who is changing and who is a mystery to himself even. He may leave his wife when his "internal clock" brings him to a place developmentally that allows this...He may never leave her, the clock may stop altogether. He may discover that he does love her more than he realized and needs this life connection. Dear lady, we could agonize all day about him..But he is not the point, nor should he be the focus. You are the point and focus of your life, not him..He exists because you allow it... I say now it is time to disallow it. Don't wait or waste for him... If he is meant to be, he will show up... this and nothing else. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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