Normal to have resentment towards my mother?

[babylollipops8]

Sometimes the flashbacks of what I saw as a little girl still emerge and feels as if it was happening over and over again. There are times I hate her for hurting my father many times.

I knew this ever since learning how to talk but never did anything. One of my earliest memories is seeing her kicking my father in his genital area while he was on the floor rolling in pain and he vomited that day.

 

Years later has passed and I haven't seen her doing this but can't tell because I've been living alone for a long time now. It's when I visit them that I don't see any of this happening anymore but you can't never tell for sure.

 

I feel extremely guilty many times for not doing anything but I was too scared to step in or question her, so afraid that she would hit me. In addition she is very tall for a woman (she's 5''11'' and my father is 6''2'') while I'm 6 inches shorter than her. The irony is she would never hit me. Why would she take it out on my father but never on me?

 

Honestly if I saw her doing this again, this time I would have lose it and hit her. If my father can't hit her then I'll do it myself.

Edited November 14, 2010 by babylollipops8

[NIgirl]

I can only imagine what it was like for you growing up watching your mum abuse your dad in that way!

 

You shouldn't feel guilty though, you were only a child and believe it or not but you were protecting yourself which is a very smart and brave thing to do!

 

I grew up in an environment were it was not my father who was the victim of my mothers rages but us. I am currently in counselling trying to find ways to overcome anger and depression. It is early days and I am finding it very difficult because even though I am beginning to realise that my problems today are connected with my childhood, I find it difficult to accept as abuse. You see my mother believed in corporal punishment and believed that what she was doing in 'punishing' us, was right. I know that she did the best she could with the equipment she was given (her own upbringing) and I know that she acted out of love as opposed to hate! That's what makes it so much harder to accept that the person I love and trust the most is the one who many would label as an abuser.

 

You see now I can't spend more than 15minutes with her without having a row with her. I am older now and I question her believes and values. I find that some of the things we were punished for as children she does as an adult, so I become enraged by her hypocrisy.

 

So you see your mother is someone you trust, love unconditionally and what not. But when we get older we see things differently and question our upbringing in terms of what we did wrong, how we could have stopped it, how we could have protected ourselves better (or in your case your father), etc. I think it is normal to question ourselves and what we could have done differently but please now that we were children. Your father was more in a position to defend himself than you would have been. It is normal to feel resentment against your mother, but you should talk to your father about what you saw as a child and how it affected you. Maybe he needs to talk to you about it as well.

 

It can't have been easy but hitting your mother will ultimately only serve to make you feel more guilty and it won't do you or your father any justice. In fact he may resent you for hitting her so that wouldn't be such a good idea!

[babylollipops8]

My goodness if you had to undergo through this I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're able to have a better relationship with your mother though it's terrible when abuser never admit they were wrong.

A couple days after my high school graduation, I did once tried talking to my mother about how it was wrong and what I used to see. She completely changed the topic and ignored what I had to see. She treated it as if it never happened and end up saying ''past is past'' and went on to another subject.

It is normal to feel resentment against your mother, but you should talk to your father about what you saw as a child and how it affected you. Maybe he needs to talk to you about it as well.

I have done this once too not so long ago (way back in 2008) but he excused it with this statement ''Sometimes this is what love is all about, there is the ups and down, you just had to deal with it and well your mother was just going through a stage at the time and didn't know how to express herself too well, she's okay now, darling don't worry about it I'm ok''.

I stared in disbelieve. There is no way I would tolerate someone abusing me in that manner. An ex of mine tried intimidating me verbally during an argument and it was over that day. I left and never looked back.

It can't have been easy but hitting your mother will ultimately only serve to make you feel more guilty and it won't do you or your father any justice. In fact he may resent you for hitting her so that wouldn't be such a good idea!

You're right, he wouldn't like it but sometimes it's anger that overtakes you upon seeing a beloved one getting hurt over and over again.

 

What I don't quite understand is why didn't my father do anything to defend himself if he was in that position to? I recalled long ago him telling me he just couldn't bring himself to hurt her.

Honestly if a man was so much into chivalry (as extreme as my father was) that's still no excuse to hit nor abuse him. I wouldn't do that. I would treat him with lots of respect and love. If someone disrespects me I'll leave him and I would expect the same too if I treat someone horrible.

 

Abusers make me sick:sick:

What I'll never know is why she did that? Apart from my father's beliefs why did she really hurt him? Did something bad happened to her in her early years?

 

Even so it's still not an excuse. I have never hurt any of my past ex BFs nor others.

[Woggle]

I could be here all day talking about the issues with my mother but she was and is very abusive and full of rage that he throws at everybody else. In the end I had no choice but to cut her off and get on with my life. That is the best thing you can do.

[babylollipops8]

I could be here all day talking about the issues with my mother but she was and is very abusive and full of rage that he throws at everybody else. In the end I had no choice but to cut her off and get on with my life. That is the best thing you can do.

Damn I must be one of the very few sane, nice woman on earth who hates injustice and abuse happening. There is no excuse to abuse someone you then claim to love. That's not love, it's sick, despicable behavior.

 

Why are there so many rotten people on earth? They always go for the nice, kindhearted person and take advantage of that. It seems these individuals just never stop reproducing on this planet.

[dreamingoftigers]

My goodness if you had to undergo through this I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're able to have a better relationship with your mother though it's terrible when abuser never admit they were wrong.

A couple days after my high school graduation, I did once tried talking to my mother about how it was wrong and what I used to see. She completely changed the topic and ignored what I had to see. She treated it as if it never happened and end up saying ''past is past'' and went on to another subject.

I have done this once too not so long ago (way back in 2008) but he excused it with this statement ''Sometimes this is what love is all about, there is the ups and down, you just had to deal with it and well your mother was just going through a stage at the time and didn't know how to express herself too well, she's okay now, darling don't worry about it I'm ok''.

I stared in disbelieve. There is no way I would tolerate someone abusing me in that manner. An ex of mine tried intimidating me verbally during an argument and it was over that day. I left and never looked back.

You're right, he wouldn't like it but sometimes it's anger that overtakes you upon seeing a beloved one getting hurt over and over again.

 

What I don't quite understand is why didn't my father do anything to defend himself if he was in that position to? I recalled long ago him telling me he just couldn't bring himself to hurt her.

Honestly if a man was so much into chivalry (as extreme as my father was) that's still no excuse to hit nor abuse him. I wouldn't do that. I would treat him with lots of respect and love. If someone disrespects me I'll leave him and I would expect the same too if I treat someone horrible.

 

Abusers make me sick:sick:

What I'll never know is why she did that? Apart from my father's beliefs why did she really hurt him? Did something bad happened to her in her early years?

 

Even so it's still not an excuse. I have never hurt any of my past ex BFs nor others.

 

Abusers often do this and it makes it all the more frustrating to their victims. They don't want to accept responsibility for their actions and often believe that just because they "felt" something caused by the other person that they have the right to treat everyone any way they please to relieve them of their emotional "burden."

 

I came from an abusive home and the movies played in my head until I went through EMDR therapy, I talk about it a TON on these threads but it is truly wonderful to not have that stuff follow you around your whole life. You still recall the events but the sting is gone and they kind of fade into distant memories which is exactly what they are.

 

I am so sorry to hear that you went through all of this crap, it sucks.

[Woggle]

Damn I must be one of the very few sane, nice woman on earth who hates injustice and abuse happening. There is no excuse to abuse someone you then claim to love. That's not love, it's sick, despicable behavior.

 

Why are there so many rotten people on earth? They always go for the nice, kindhearted person and take advantage of that. It seems these individuals just never stop reproducing on this planet.

 

You are not the only one. I have a lot of issues with women related to her abuse but deep down I know all women are not like her.

[babylollipops8]

You are not the only one. I have a lot of issues with women related to her abuse but deep down I know all women are not like her.

True there will always be good and bad people. Unfortunately bad people never have to encounter karma for their wrong doings.

 

I want to believe that there is punishment coming your way for doing horrible things to someone.

Honestly if she were to hit him again and my father decided to stand up for himself and finally slap the hell out of her (which I doubt it, he'll never do it) I would have no pity for her.

I would then be telling her ''Do you really thought he was your punching bag? He is a human being with feelings don't you know that''?

However, again that would never happen. Sadly he would just take it since my father isn't the type to hit a woman.