Unrepentent....

[frenchiefun]

I'm new here, hi everyone. I'm sad to see so much angst and pain among the OW in this forum. I have been an OW for years, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want him to live with me or god forbid marry me. I don't plan on ever getting married, I enjoy my independence too much, and that way I don't have to compromise or spend my life worrying about whether he is faithful. In my experience, too many men have too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

 

I see him when I want to see him. I enjoy the time we spend together, and then he goes home. I have peace and quiet and I don't have to wash his dirty underwear, cook for him, clean up after him, look after him when he's got the flu, or put up with him when I'm not in the mood... there's lots of positives in this situation, for me at least.

 

To the OW out there, you are seeing the best of him, enjoy it. If you want more, then give him the flick and find someone else. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt, try not to get too emotionally involved, and get what you can from the relationship. You wouldn't want him full time anyway, a leopard doesn't change his spots and you would be on the receiving end of his infidelity in the years to come.

 

Don't let the relationship take over or ruin your life - run it on your terms, not his. Remember, he's got the most to lose.

[newpriorities]

I agree with all that you have written and many A's start out that way--I know mine did...that was exactly what I wanted (I was going through a separation myself). The problem is that it doesn't always stay that way! I had no intentions of becoming so emotionally attached, so out of control with my feelings (at the time I thought it was love, now I know it wasn't) and that's where the roller coaster and pain come in. I never wanted to marry my AP, but I did start wanting much more of him than I could have/he could give under the circumstances and that pain became searing.

While I have seen some OW be able to compartmentalize well, more times than not, IME, the feelings start to take over and away we go into the pain....!

[jthorne]

Ok, so I've asked this of other OW who "date" MM because it fits their lifestyle, so I'll ask you as well...

There are plenty of SINGLE guys that could give you the same thing, they don't want a commitment; they just want what they want when they want it, and then they want to go home.

 

Why do you need to seek out married people to meet your needs?

 

By the way, I very much enjoy taking care of my H, dirty underwear and all. When he is sick, I love taking care of him. He does the same for me when I need it, as it is part of a healthy, loving relationship. Too bad you're not interested in that; loving healthy relationships are work, but are infinitely rewarding.

Edited November 14, 2010 by jthorne

[desertIslandCactus]

I'm new here, hi everyone. I'm sad to see so much angst and pain among the OW in this forum. I have been an OW for years, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want him to live with me or god forbid marry me. I don't plan on ever getting married, I enjoy my independence too much, and that way I don't have to compromise or spend my life worrying about whether he is faithful. In my experience, too many men have too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

 

I see him when I want to see him. I enjoy the time we spend together, and then he goes home. I have peace and quiet and I don't have to wash his dirty underwear, cook for him, clean up after him, look after him when he's got the flu, or put up with him when I'm not in the mood... there's lots of positives in this situation, for me at least.

 

To the OW out there, you are seeing the best of him, enjoy it. If you want more, then give him the flick and find someone else. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt, try not to get too emotionally involved, and get what you can from the relationship. You wouldn't want him full time anyway, a leopard doesn't change his spots and you would be on the receiving end of his infidelity in the years to come.

 

Don't let the relationship take over or ruin your life - run it on your terms, not his. Remember, he's got the most to lose.

 

It seems like just a free love/stud service..

 

In some situations, I guess women's wishes are becoming the same as men's .. where he would take on an OW, rather than paying for it..

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, so I've asked this of other OW who "date" MM because it fits their lifestyle, so I'll ask you as well...

There are plenty of SINGLE guys that could give you the same thing, they don't want a commitment; they just want what they want when they want it, and then they want to go home.

 

Why do you need to seek out married people to meet your needs?

 

No, the single guys who don't want a commitment wouldn't give you the same thing.

 

The thing is that these MM are very focused on you, and as far as is possible very committed too. Single guys who don't want a commitment are generally self-centered jerks. MM are loving and caring and always wooing you. They spend every free moment they have with you, talking to you, giving you attention, loving you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I was much like that in my OW days. Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

[GreenEyedLady]

Welcome to the forum!

 

GEL

[Holding-On]

No, the single guys who don't want a commitment wouldn't give you the same thing.

 

The thing is that these MM are very focused on you, and as far as is possible very committed too. Single guys who don't want a commitment are generally self-centered jerks. MM are loving and caring and always wooing you. They spend every free moment they have with you, talking to you, giving you attention, loving you.

 

I'm in a non-cheating situation but I concur that men in relationship are much better bets for sexual relationships because:

1. They have more incentive to watch out for STIs and prevent pregnancy. In fact they may have been "fixed".

2. (Generally) They are not out on the prowl. Or at least much less so than single men.

You will never know if your single FB is going to take the opportunity for sex where he can get it. The single man generally has more time to spend in places where hooking up is likely and none of his friends would look askance at him. (more STI problems)

 

3. My sad experience, especially later on in life is that men who are single are single for a reason. Or put another cruder way, if he can keep one woman reasonably happy, he's stands a chance of keeping another woman happy.

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, so I've asked this of other OW who "date" MM because it fits their lifestyle, so I'll ask you as well...

There are plenty of SINGLE guys that could give you the same thing, they don't want a commitment; they just want what they want when they want it, and then they want to go home.

 

Why do you need to seek out married people to meet your needs?

 

Of course there are MM who are self-centered jerks too, but these are unlikely to be in a long term extramarital relationship with deep emotional involvement.

 

I don't know what your experience was, jthorne. Perhaps you were unlucky enough that your MM belonged to the first category? That would explain your post.

[jwi71]

I have been an OW for years, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

I'm glad it works it for you. However, for most, it doesn't.

 

I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want him to live with me or god forbid marry me. I don't plan on ever getting married, I enjoy my independence too much, and that way I don't have to compromise or spend my life worrying about whether he is faithful. In my experience, too many men have too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

 

And there's why it works for you.

 

To the OW out there, you are seeing the best of him, enjoy it. If you want more, then give him the flick and find someone else. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt, try not to get too emotionally involved, and get what you can from the relationship. You wouldn't want him full time anyway, a leopard doesn't change his spots and you would be on the receiving end of his infidelity in the years to come.

 

This is interesting to me though. Since we are to remove emotional tie and forget a future (whole spot changing thing) I wonder what is left besides sex and gifts? Enjoy the dates, enjoy the illusion of closeness, enjoy the gifts, enjoy the free dinners (provided he pays) and enjoy the great sex.

 

Is that what you meant by enjoy it?

 

Don't let the relationship take over or ruin your life - run it on your terms, not his. Remember, he's got the most to lose.

 

I found that vaguely threatening...is that how you intended it?

 

I also, based on on one internet post, find you afraid. Life and most certainly love is a risk...and the rewards SO worth it.

 

In any case...welcome and I suspect your perspective will not be terribly popular. Be prepared.

[endlessness]

It is very rare that an EMA works for both partners, but if it does and it enhances both your and his life without any harmful consequences, then I can only envy. Initially, I was convinced that I could sustain a casual relationship with my MM. I very quickly discovered that I was indeed a human being with feelings and emotional needs, which were not met in the EMA. If there is one thing that I've learned, it's that it is impossible not to become emotionally invested in someone with whom you seem to share a deep psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical connection. When such a connection is in place, it is only natural to yearn to share life's adventures with the other person.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm new here, hi everyone. I'm sad to see so much angst and pain among the OW in this forum. I have been an OW for years, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want him to live with me or god forbid marry me. I don't plan on ever getting married, I enjoy my independence too much, and that way I don't have to compromise or spend my life worrying about whether he is faithful. In my experience, too many men have too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

 

I see him when I want to see him. I enjoy the time we spend together, and then he goes home. I have peace and quiet and I don't have to wash his dirty underwear, cook for him, clean up after him, look after him when he's got the flu, or put up with him when I'm not in the mood... there's lots of positives in this situation, for me at least.

 

To the OW out there, you are seeing the best of him, enjoy it. If you want more, then give him the flick and find someone else. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt, try not to get too emotionally involved, and get what you can from the relationship. You wouldn't want him full time anyway, a leopard doesn't change his spots and you would be on the receiving end of his infidelity in the years to come.

 

Don't let the relationship take over or ruin your life - run it on your terms, not his. Remember, he's got the most to lose.

 

There's the rub....

 

So what is the point of having a relationship that is not too emotionally involving?

[jj33]

Agree with you to a large extent Frenchie. If it works for you that is great.

 

And the W isnt always unhappy with the situatoin either. I was out with some women I havent seen in a long long time. 2 divorced one married.

 

The married one who appears to be very conventional and conservative said someone told her that her H was having an A. She said its awful but my first thought was thank God. One less thing I have to worry about. They have sex but not as often as they might like and her life is really busy and stressful, much moreso than his is. And he feels a bit neglected and the idea that he was in an A took some of her guilt away.

 

The 2 divorced women said they understood and at times in their marriages would have felt the same. I didnt understand so much but it was intersting to me.

[fooled once]

There's the rub....

 

So what is the point of having a relationship that is not too emotionally involving?

 

Agree.

 

I also like the fact that my man is with me, in good and bad times, rough and happy. I like knowing at the end of the day, I curl up with my man and neither of us is rushing to leave or have any other place to go

 

I like knowing that in my final days, he will be by my side. I won't be alone and I won't have to worry about him rushing off to his main life/family.

 

Whatever floats your boat. Affairs aren't for me. I don't like to share

[EricaH329]

Ok, so I've asked this of other OW who "date" MM because it fits their lifestyle, so I'll ask you as well...

There are plenty of SINGLE guys that could give you the same thing, they don't want a commitment; they just want what they want when they want it, and then they want to go home.

 

Why do you need to seek out married people to meet your needs?

 

More than that, the OW/OM is actively participating in emotionally hurting/betraying another human being.

 

One word: Karma.

[jthorne]

It seems like just a free love/stud service..

 

In some situations, I guess women's wishes are becoming the same as men's .. where he would take on an OW, rather than paying for it..

That's kind of what I'm reading.

I think it's sad that people would choose so little for themselves... and hurt others in the process.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not a supporter of affairs, but I'd much rather an OW with this mindset than not. I'd rather see that the OW went into the affair free of agendas to get the man to leave his family and all the manipulation that requires, than see the one who believes in this fairytale non-existant man that's gonna leave for her one day.

 

An OW with the mindset of frenchie has no reason to degrade and demean the W, as she's not trying to replace her.

 

The funny thing is that the OW with frenchie's mindset is the one that a MM is more likely to leave for - he can't conquer her will as easily as he can the OW that freely gives it to him by losing herself in the A.

 

Welcome, frenchie. Your posts should provoke interesting responses (like Lizzie's).

[WowReally]

I'm new here, hi everyone. I'm sad to see so much angst and pain among the OW in this forum. I have been an OW for years, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't want him to leave his wife, I don't want him to live with me or god forbid marry me. I don't plan on ever getting married, I enjoy my independence too much, and that way I don't have to compromise or spend my life worrying about whether he is faithful. In my experience, too many men have too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

 

I see him when I want to see him. I enjoy the time we spend together, and then he goes home. I have peace and quiet and I don't have to wash his dirty underwear, cook for him, clean up after him, look after him when he's got the flu, or put up with him when I'm not in the mood... there's lots of positives in this situation, for me at least.

 

To the OW out there, you are seeing the best of him, enjoy it. If you want more, then give him the flick and find someone else. Take everything he tells you with a grain of salt, try not to get too emotionally involved, and get what you can from the relationship. You wouldn't want him full time anyway, a leopard doesn't change his spots and you would be on the receiving end of his infidelity in the years to come.

 

Don't let the relationship take over or ruin your life - run it on your terms, not his. Remember, he's got the most to lose.

 

You actually sound very jaded...someone somewhere along the line ripped you to shreds and now you're too scared to find someone who can give you everything you deny you want.

 

Sorry but enabling a masochist isnt a great alternative

[maravilla]

Life and most certainly love is a risk...and the rewards SO worth it.

 

This quote really hit home for me, jwi. Now that I'm single (instead of MM's OW, in which case I didn't consider myself single because I was in love with MM and thought we were going to be together full-time long-term), I do get afraid that if I fall in love with a guy, he'll cheat on me eventually. I guess I feel this way because of guilt and feeling like it's my karma, or just being cynical in general. I also worry about commitment and about finding a guy who will be as passionate about me as MM. But I've decided not to live my life in fear, I am going to hope for what I want, which is a great guy who I have that spark for like I did for MM but who can give me a full-time relationship. I would love to take care of the man I love when he's sick and have him take care of me when I'm sick. Not to sound all Moulin Rouge-ish or Disneyish but I really do believe in love, and exclusive monogamous love at that. And like you say the rewards are worth the risk -- I am going to remember that, thanks!

 

OP I think it's great that you're happy with your situation. I want more from a relationship but I know everyone is different and I'm glad you know what you want. I'm wondering if you're faithful to your MM or do you see other guys too? Also, do your family members and friends and co-workers know about you and MM or is a total secret? Also, you said you "see him when you want," but isn't it more like when he wants, because isn't it limited by how often/long he can get away? How long have you been with him and does his wife suspect? Do you ever feel bad about his wife?

 

These are just some questions I have because I find your situation really interesting. If they are too prying of course feel free not to answer them. I'm certainly not here to judge, I am really just curious! Take care.

[frenchiefun]

Ok, so I've asked this of other OW who "date" MM because it fits their lifestyle, so I'll ask you as well...

There are plenty of SINGLE guys that could give you the same thing, they don't want a commitment; they just want what they want when they want it, and then they want to go home.

 

Why do you need to seek out married people to meet your needs?

 

By the way, I very much enjoy taking care of my H, dirty underwear and all. When he is sick, I love taking care of him. He does the same for me when I need it, as it is part of a healthy, loving relationship. Too bad you're not interested in that; loving healthy relationships are work, but are infinitely rewarding.

 

Hmmm, jthorne, I don't think I like the tone of your post...I don't "seek out" married men. This affair is the first I've had with a married man, and it was a mutual decision. In my opinion and my experience, true "loving healthy relationships" are in the minority; there's usually some issues going on, power struggles, manipulation, etc, its the nature of the beast, and if you were lucky enough in the lottery of life to snag one, then good for you.

Edited November 15, 2010 by frenchiefun

[maravilla]

Hmmm, jthorne, I don't think I like the tone of your post...I don't "seek out" married men. This affair is the first I've had with a married man, and it was a mutual decision. In my opinion and my experience, true "loving healthy relationships" are in the minority; there's usually some issues going on, power struggles, manipulation, etc, its the nature of the beast, and if you were lucky enough in the lottery of life to snag one, then good for you.

 

Even if I were to agree with you that loving healthy relationships are in the minority (I don't, really, I think there are a good many out there), I don't see what they have to do with luck! To me it's a choice to get out of an unloving or unhealthy relationship or do what it takes to make it loving and healthy. I guess first of all one has to want to be in a loving, healthy relationship, and it seems from this post that you are saying you don't want to be. So first, for me, I have to decide I want to be only in a loving, healthy relationship (or none at all... the way I'm looking at this right now is that I want to be in a loving healthy relationship with myself until I find the right person to be in a loving healthy relationship with), and then I have to actively work to make it so.

 

So I guess I don't understand what you mean about relationships being about luck. It's not as if we go around falling into relationships with all sorts of random people like it's a 'lottery' like you call it and then hope that it all works out. First we make sure we are healthy and able to love someone else, then we decide what kind of person we want to date (obviously someone healthy and capable of loving someone else, and for me that means no more married/separated guys!) and then we strive to be the most loving partner we can be and work on all the issues that inevitably arise in any relationship.

[frenchiefun]

I agree with all that you have written and many A's start out that way--I know mine did...that was exactly what I wanted (I was going through a separation myself). The problem is that it doesn't always stay that way! I had no intentions of becoming so emotionally attached, so out of control with my feelings (at the time I thought it was love, now I know it wasn't) and that's where the roller coaster and pain come in. I never wanted to marry my AP, but I did start wanting much more of him than I could have/he could give under the circumstances and that pain became searing.

While I have seen some OW be able to compartmentalize well, more times than not, IME, the feelings start to take over and away we go into the pain....!

 

I sympathise with you newp - I think though that when people get involved with someone who's married , what they need to keep forefront in their mind is that this isa relationship without a future; if they find themselves starting to think differently, then they need to have the strength to end it and save themselves a lot of unnecessary and pointless pain. There is lots of love, affection, caring and deep feelings in affairs - people need to live in the moment and enjoy them for what they are.

[frenchiefun]

Welcome to the forum!

 

GEL

 

Thank you GEL!

[frenchiefun]

More than that, the OW/OM is actively participating in emotionally hurting/betraying another human being.

 

One word: Karma.

 

 

Somehow I think the karma gods will be too busy dealing with mass murderers, child abusers and people who are cruel to animals. I don't think two people who care for each other and make each other happy are going to elicit much of a backlash....I'll take my chances anyway, thanks Erica.

[frenchiefun]

It seems like just a free love/stud service..

 

In some situations, I guess women's wishes are becoming the same as men's .. where he would take on an OW, rather than paying for it..

 

I don't appreciate your insinuation that I am prostituting myself - there is a lot of affection and caring in our relationship, and I do kiss him!!

 

It's shame though that you could reach such a conclusion -it just shows how your mind really works...