The thought of continuing existence makes my stomach churn

[Deivu1221]

(for the record, yes this post is going to be depressing, and no, I'm in no mood to read bible quotes, ANYTHING about CBT or basically anything from any of those self-help hippies, giving what little peanut pennies I get to some guilt-tripping organization with ulterior agendas, or about "seeking help or therapy" like I haven't already spent hundreds of dollars trying... if it worked, then WHY am I posting this, durr? anyways... just a warning)

 

I am so tired... UNBELIEVABLY tired... of even the thought of continuing on living. My life literally has no purpose or meaning, and god knows I've done nothing BUT try (even when trying to "live in the moment" which is a bunch of pseudo-esoteric cryptic nonsense in my opinion) in this mess of random (mostly unfortunate) events consisting of my "life." I don't know what happiness feels like; or rather, I've long since forgotten. The only things I know are masking what I really feel, toil, stupidity (both my own and many other peoples'), unfairness, and mediocrity. Heck, now even those are destroying me, and I literally see no more point in living anymore. Now that I think of it, I don't even live for myself; it's all for the sake of everyone else. Being alive and the thought of it doesn't make me happy in the slightest; it's just a huge celestial chore to me. I want to cry, but I just can't 'cause the tears won't come... even if they did, what good would it do because crying never solved anything for me anyways; all it did was embarrass me, so those scientists who claim it's a "good" thing can EAT ME! Nothing distracts me from the pain anymore; not even exercise, or alcohol, or gawking at girls, or youtube, or even smoking pot (ok I take it back, it works for maybe a couple hours, but after that it wears off anyways).

 

Work sucks. To be specific, my job REALLY REALLY SUCKS. For the record, I work at one of the worst (if not THE worst) retail giants on the planet doing a very draining, monotonous, repetitive job. I keep saying that even the garbage over there gets more respect than I do, and I don't even ask for much; all I want to do is to go there, get it over with, get paid, and go home, but NO! Not enough for them. I have to literally work myself to the bone and grind and sweat and cry for chump change, and I work with people who get away with all sorts of stuff THAT WOULD GET ME FIRED IN A HEARTBEAT, and the ones that quit or get fired get a new job EASY even though they admit they don't even work HALF as hard as I do. My only real "motivation" is to not get fired, that and to not get hassled 'cause when I do it makes work that much more odious. The economy is in wrecks and shambles in the state where I live, so I can't just "quit and leave" like I've wanted to ever since I started there. I think it's sad to where everyone says I'm "lucky to have a job" and I think back to the 3 slogans of Orwell's 1984 slogan "Freedom is Slavery"... I see stuff like that becoming more and more apparent each day, and nobody seems to care as long as they have their big screen TVs and 24 inch rims.

 

A lot of people tell me that "college" is the magical solution to all of this. Well, I went to college for a while, but I quickly became disillusioned and learned that COLLEGE SUCKS EVEN WORSE THAN SLAVE JOBS. I know that's something nobody's allowed to say; no, we're supposed to think that college is some holy entity that can do no wrong and is all-fair and all-accepting and is the cure for everything to cold sores to clinical depression to cancer. I've seen college for what it is; a super-expensive lottery ticket that you ALSO have to do tons of busywork for where the prize isn't great or even much of a prize anyways. The grand prize is a NEW SLAVE JOB IN WHICH YOU GET TO WORK 12-14 HOURS A DAY INSTEAD OF 8! Sure, maybe you get more money for it, for stability, buying a house, attracting a mate, starting a family, being freed of the dog-leash for a couple weeks at a time... I mean vacation, and so on, but I say what good are those things when I'd be too tired and soul-drained from slaving (whoops, I mean work) to enjoy them? I dunno what happened to me at birth or whatever, but the thought of HAVING TO PAY TO SLAVE AWAY AT SCHOOL WHICH MY PARENTS COULDN'T PAY ME TO DO BACK IN THE DAY made me angry as a kid (still does...) that the only worth I had was what pieces of papers said. Heck, I was only ever in college just to try and "learn" but I never even learned anything in school; anything I have any sort of decent skill at I had to learn ON MY OWN because nobody knows how to teach me anything. School ruined learning for me, but maybe it's just that I'm stupid and stubborn and/or for some freak accident of nature, I have gained eagles' eye of a corrupt system I can't do anything about.

 

So, basically, I have no hope in this life because I just can't fit into or am simply incapable of any of the ice cream flavors of "success" necessary for people my age in this country or any developed nation for that matter (those being stress-inducing mcjob vanilla, endless college chocolate, or armed forces strawberry... let's add neopolitan to the list so I don't see the point in staying alive. It all feels like slavery to me, only the whips were softened and now they use classism and money to divide us instead of skin color.

 

Even my own friendships are empty and shallow; most people want me to be seen but not heard, treat me like someone to feel better than, and will act like I don't exist most of the time, and the others are super clingy and needy beggars who expect me to be there for them 24/7/365. It wasn't even my choice to be born in the first place. I'm 100% certain that I'm going to kill myself very very soon and I don't even debate that in my head anymore. All I think about is which song I want to kill myself to and which method will be the most painless. Heck, I already know which foreign country I want to go to for my final vacation so I can have SOME form of happiness before I die (I'll probably even cut out the middleman and just kill myself there.) Don't worry, I'm going to write a nice long suicide letter abstaining my parents, friends, and family from the blame and telling them that I'm well aware that this crap is all my fault which is nothing new to me because I take all the blame for everything people accuse me of and all I ever do anymore is make people angry and/or depressed.

 

The thing that REALLY hurts though is that I fell for all this crap in the first place. I REALLY TRIED to do nothing but shut up and stand back in line like I'm supposed to, but for some unknown reason I just can't (that, or I'm simply neurologically incapable.) I wish I could just somehow go back to work or college with some drug/hypnosis that makes me feel like instead of slaving I'm at one of said foreign countries/tropical islands enjoying myself, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else, but I know that psychiatry has no ability to do so. It's like everything I ever worked for, hoped for, or lived for was a lie... I wish I could just shut up and get back in line for the slaving, marry the first woman that isn't a man, have albino-looking kids who are as depressed/more depressed than I am and blame them when they also don't (or can't) fit into this crummy scapegoating society, go to church to follow some bullcrap religion, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else is, but after a lot of thought I know that this is basically impossible, and even if I did achieve it, I'd probably want to kill myself anyways, so I don't even know what the difference is.

 

Here's to hoping I'll die as soon as possible so I can be free of the pain of being alive.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Deivu1221

[Yer_Blues]

Things are more difficult without an internal sense of validation and an analytical brain. However, you forget the fact that you in no way have to subscribe to any traditional or social lifestyles. Every time I consider suicide I think about how consciousness is an opportunity that should not be completely squandered, even if it is "meaningless".

 

You could break away from society, you could turn to harder drugs (people here won't like that methinks), do something forbidden or different from whats expected of you if you feel trapped by expectations. How could it be worse than offing yourself? Also, it doesn't take the option off the table.

 

Just saying, even if you feel hopeless and have no motivation to continue struggling towards something you no longer desire, you can always experiment with something completely different of your choice.

[josie54]

Except for maybe the "harder drugs" part (yes that's the prude in me talking:) ), I think Yer_Blues has a point. Do something crazy that doesn't involve offing yourself.

 

Also, remember, that you don't have a monopoly on thinking life sucks. Not by a long-shot. Many of us do (job, life, friendships, relationships, happiness--I could totally highjack your thread, but I won't). But even with all that, I always remember this: Why would I consider death the easier option than actually just doing something different? What on earth is there to lose?

 

Yer_Blues is also correct in saying that feeling absolutely bitter and dark about life is actually a privilege. Revel in the fact that you have a life to hate...it's not much, but it's enough to know that that experience, in itself, is worthy. Might not be pleasant, but it's a privilege over those who don't have it.

 

Another way to change your perspective: Watch a good friend die. Slowly. Watch her get robbed of every privilege you take for granted--eating favorite foods (the drugs make it impossible to keep anything down), picking up a pencil (the chemo ruins the nerve endings and makes it impossible to grip anything), watching television or reading (the chemo makes the eyesight blurry), peeing for heaven's sake (have to be catheterized because of the drugs), and finally breathing. Then, eat that pizza or pick up that pencil or pee and realize that even THOSE things can't be taken for granted. You realize that even those are something to enjoy.

 

If you don't care about life so much that you would choose to die, then why not care about your life so much that you actually do something crazy, just for the sensation of it? After all, who cares? Learn to skydive (might want to talk to skydiveaddict about that one), bungee jump, hike across the country, travel to Australia. Whatever it is. Whatever crazy thing it is, believe me, it makes a whole lot more sense than doing the harder thing, which is going from an infinite number of possibilities to none at all.

[quankanne]

get your butt to a doctor ASAP and tell him about this stress you've been under – it's quite possible that with the daily help of a pill, your blood chemistry can be brought back into whack and everything will seem less horrible. Not completely better, mind you, but at least help get you to a place where you're not feeling such drastic emotions about everything.

 

dying doesn't solve anything, and frankly, do you want to give in to a bunch of crap that's dragging you down? You sound fiesty ... now channel it into healing and kicking some butt when life throws crap at you.

[harmfulsweetz]

(for the record, yes this post is going to be depressing, and no, I'm in no mood to read bible quotes, ANYTHING about CBT or basically anything from any of those self-help hippies, giving what little peanut pennies I get to some guilt-tripping organization with ulterior agendas, or about "seeking help or therapy" like I haven't already spent hundreds of dollars trying... if it worked, then WHY am I posting this, durr? anyways... just a warning)

 

I am so tired... UNBELIEVABLY tired... of even the thought of continuing on living. My life literally has no purpose or meaning, and god knows I've done nothing BUT try (even when trying to "live in the moment" which is a bunch of pseudo-esoteric cryptic nonsense in my opinion) in this mess of random (mostly unfortunate) events consisting of my "life." I don't know what happiness feels like; or rather, I've long since forgotten. The only things I know are masking what I really feel, toil, stupidity (both my own and many other peoples'), unfairness, and mediocrity. Heck, now even those are destroying me, and I literally see no more point in living anymore. Now that I think of it, I don't even live for myself; it's all for the sake of everyone else. Being alive and the thought of it doesn't make me happy in the slightest; it's just a huge celestial chore to me. I want to cry, but I just can't 'cause the tears won't come... even if they did, what good would it do because crying never solved anything for me anyways; all it did was embarrass me, so those scientists who claim it's a "good" thing can EAT ME! Nothing distracts me from the pain anymore; not even exercise, or alcohol, or gawking at girls, or youtube, or even smoking pot (ok I take it back, it works for maybe a couple hours, but after that it wears off anyways).

 

Work sucks. To be specific, my job REALLY REALLY SUCKS. For the record, I work at one of the worst (if not THE worst) retail giants on the planet doing a very draining, monotonous, repetitive job. I keep saying that even the garbage over there gets more respect than I do, and I don't even ask for much; all I want to do is to go there, get it over with, get paid, and go home, but NO! Not enough for them. I have to literally work myself to the bone and grind and sweat and cry for chump change, and I work with people who get away with all sorts of stuff THAT WOULD GET ME FIRED IN A HEARTBEAT, and the ones that quit or get fired get a new job EASY even though they admit they don't even work HALF as hard as I do. My only real "motivation" is to not get fired, that and to not get hassled 'cause when I do it makes work that much more odious. The economy is in wrecks and shambles in the state where I live, so I can't just "quit and leave" like I've wanted to ever since I started there. I think it's sad to where everyone says I'm "lucky to have a job" and I think back to the 3 slogans of Orwell's 1984 slogan "Freedom is Slavery"... I see stuff like that becoming more and more apparent each day, and nobody seems to care as long as they have their big screen TVs and 24 inch rims.

 

A lot of people tell me that "college" is the magical solution to all of this. Well, I went to college for a while, but I quickly became disillusioned and learned that COLLEGE SUCKS EVEN WORSE THAN SLAVE JOBS. I know that's something nobody's allowed to say; no, we're supposed to think that college is some holy entity that can do no wrong and is all-fair and all-accepting and is the cure for everything to cold sores to clinical depression to cancer. I've seen college for what it is; a super-expensive lottery ticket that you ALSO have to do tons of busywork for where the prize isn't great or even much of a prize anyways. The grand prize is a NEW SLAVE JOB IN WHICH YOU GET TO WORK 12-14 HOURS A DAY INSTEAD OF 8! Sure, maybe you get more money for it, for stability, buying a house, attracting a mate, starting a family, being freed of the dog-leash for a couple weeks at a time... I mean vacation, and so on, but I say what good are those things when I'd be too tired and soul-drained from slaving (whoops, I mean work) to enjoy them? I dunno what happened to me at birth or whatever, but the thought of HAVING TO PAY TO SLAVE AWAY AT SCHOOL WHICH MY PARENTS COULDN'T PAY ME TO DO BACK IN THE DAY made me angry as a kid (still does...) that the only worth I had was what pieces of papers said. Heck, I was only ever in college just to try and "learn" but I never even learned anything in school; anything I have any sort of decent skill at I had to learn ON MY OWN because nobody knows how to teach me anything. School ruined learning for me, but maybe it's just that I'm stupid and stubborn and/or for some freak accident of nature, I have gained eagles' eye of a corrupt system I can't do anything about.

 

So, basically, I have no hope in this life because I just can't fit into or am simply incapable of any of the ice cream flavors of "success" necessary for people my age in this country or any developed nation for that matter (those being stress-inducing mcjob vanilla, endless college chocolate, or armed forces strawberry... let's add neopolitan to the list so I don't see the point in staying alive. It all feels like slavery to me, only the whips were softened and now they use classism and money to divide us instead of skin color.

 

Even my own friendships are empty and shallow; most people want me to be seen but not heard, treat me like someone to feel better than, and will act like I don't exist most of the time, and the others are super clingy and needy beggars who expect me to be there for them 24/7/365. It wasn't even my choice to be born in the first place. I'm 100% certain that I'm going to kill myself very very soon and I don't even debate that in my head anymore. All I think about is which song I want to kill myself to and which method will be the most painless. Heck, I already know which foreign country I want to go to for my final vacation so I can have SOME form of happiness before I die (I'll probably even cut out the middleman and just kill myself there.) Don't worry, I'm going to write a nice long suicide letter abstaining my parents, friends, and family from the blame and telling them that I'm well aware that this crap is all my fault which is nothing new to me because I take all the blame for everything people accuse me of and all I ever do anymore is make people angry and/or depressed.

 

The thing that REALLY hurts though is that I fell for all this crap in the first place. I REALLY TRIED to do nothing but shut up and stand back in line like I'm supposed to, but for some unknown reason I just can't (that, or I'm simply neurologically incapable.) I wish I could just somehow go back to work or college with some drug/hypnosis that makes me feel like instead of slaving I'm at one of said foreign countries/tropical islands enjoying myself, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else, but I know that psychiatry has no ability to do so. It's like everything I ever worked for, hoped for, or lived for was a lie... I wish I could just shut up and get back in line for the slaving, marry the first woman that isn't a man, have albino-looking kids who are as depressed/more depressed than I am and blame them when they also don't (or can't) fit into this crummy scapegoating society, go to church to follow some bullcrap religion, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else is, but after a lot of thought I know that this is basically impossible, and even if I did achieve it, I'd probably want to kill myself anyways, so I don't even know what the difference is.

 

Here's to hoping I'll die as soon as possible so I can be free of the pain of being alive.

 

Sorry to say this, but you need to stop feeling so goddamn sorry for yourself. EVERYONE has problems. We all feel down on ourselves and our lives sometimes. You hate your job, change it. From this post, I just read that your attitude sucks. You have a lifeless mentality, like you've long ago decided that you've given up any hopes of being happy.

 

You hate your job? Look for something new then, something completely different. Maybe, a job whereby it benefits others i.e. care work, social work, animal work (whatever it is) may help, it may give you a sense of purpose. Find something that you do enjoy, rather than looking at all of the things you don't.

 

Depression is tough to deal with, but it's tougher if you don't do anything about it. Get yourself to a doctor, maybe see a therapist, it may help to vent. Have you thought it may be SAD? I know I feel down this time of year and struggle to do anything, and bought one of those daylight simulators which really calms me. In my opinion, it's people's outlook on life that truly affects their success rates, happiness rates, and these aren't always linked to being successful in a typical way. Find what makes you happy.

 

Try something new, that maybe isn't conventional, but something that you'd enjoy doing.

 

I think you just need a new perspective as well as a little medical help. You need reality to slap you in the face. I know it's harsh-but think of the amount of people who are dying that want to live. Isn't this sort of a kick in the stomach to them? You have the option of living, of changing things, of turning it all around for the better, they don't. Right now, it feels like a constant struggle, and there's days and weeks like that for most of us. When I go through really bad bouts of SAD, I struggle to leave my bed, and I can't see any point in going on like that. In those times, I force those thoughts out of my mind by taking my mind off it and doing something else. Something I enjoy. It could be writing, walking, playing with my dogs, watching my favourite film, reading a book, whatever it is that does it.

 

Life is a struggle, but it's far better than death. Goals are always a good thing to have. Consider your life for a moment, where you want to be, what you enjoy, your values, who you are. What did you want to be when you were young? Think about it all, and aspire to something. Anything you want. It helps.

 

You have options, it's up to you to get off your butt and use them or waste them.

[thatsonlyme]

(for the record, yes this post is going to be depressing, and no, I'm in no mood to read bible quotes, ANYTHING about CBT or basically anything from any of those self-help hippies, giving what little peanut pennies I get to some guilt-tripping organization with ulterior agendas, or about "seeking help or therapy" like I haven't already spent hundreds of dollars trying... if it worked, then WHY am I posting this, durr? anyways... just a warning)

 

I am so tired... UNBELIEVABLY tired... of even the thought of continuing on living. My life literally has no purpose or meaning, and god knows I've done nothing BUT try (even when trying to "live in the moment" which is a bunch of pseudo-esoteric cryptic nonsense in my opinion) in this mess of random (mostly unfortunate) events consisting of my "life." I don't know what happiness feels like; or rather, I've long since forgotten. The only things I know are masking what I really feel, toil, stupidity (both my own and many other peoples'), unfairness, and mediocrity. Heck, now even those are destroying me, and I literally see no more point in living anymore. Now that I think of it, I don't even live for myself; it's all for the sake of everyone else. Being alive and the thought of it doesn't make me happy in the slightest; it's just a huge celestial chore to me. I want to cry, but I just can't 'cause the tears won't come... even if they did, what good would it do because crying never solved anything for me anyways; all it did was embarrass me, so those scientists who claim it's a "good" thing can EAT ME! Nothing distracts me from the pain anymore; not even exercise, or alcohol, or gawking at girls, or youtube, or even smoking pot (ok I take it back, it works for maybe a couple hours, but after that it wears off anyways).

 

Work sucks. To be specific, my job REALLY REALLY SUCKS. For the record, I work at one of the worst (if not THE worst) retail giants on the planet doing a very draining, monotonous, repetitive job. I keep saying that even the garbage over there gets more respect than I do, and I don't even ask for much; all I want to do is to go there, get it over with, get paid, and go home, but NO! Not enough for them. I have to literally work myself to the bone and grind and sweat and cry for chump change, and I work with people who get away with all sorts of stuff THAT WOULD GET ME FIRED IN A HEARTBEAT, and the ones that quit or get fired get a new job EASY even though they admit they don't even work HALF as hard as I do. My only real "motivation" is to not get fired, that and to not get hassled 'cause when I do it makes work that much more odious. The economy is in wrecks and shambles in the state where I live, so I can't just "quit and leave" like I've wanted to ever since I started there. I think it's sad to where everyone says I'm "lucky to have a job" and I think back to the 3 slogans of Orwell's 1984 slogan "Freedom is Slavery"... I see stuff like that becoming more and more apparent each day, and nobody seems to care as long as they have their big screen TVs and 24 inch rims.

 

A lot of people tell me that "college" is the magical solution to all of this. Well, I went to college for a while, but I quickly became disillusioned and learned that COLLEGE SUCKS EVEN WORSE THAN SLAVE JOBS. I know that's something nobody's allowed to say; no, we're supposed to think that college is some holy entity that can do no wrong and is all-fair and all-accepting and is the cure for everything to cold sores to clinical depression to cancer. I've seen college for what it is; a super-expensive lottery ticket that you ALSO have to do tons of busywork for where the prize isn't great or even much of a prize anyways. The grand prize is a NEW SLAVE JOB IN WHICH YOU GET TO WORK 12-14 HOURS A DAY INSTEAD OF 8! Sure, maybe you get more money for it, for stability, buying a house, attracting a mate, starting a family, being freed of the dog-leash for a couple weeks at a time... I mean vacation, and so on, but I say what good are those things when I'd be too tired and soul-drained from slaving (whoops, I mean work) to enjoy them? I dunno what happened to me at birth or whatever, but the thought of HAVING TO PAY TO SLAVE AWAY AT SCHOOL WHICH MY PARENTS COULDN'T PAY ME TO DO BACK IN THE DAY made me angry as a kid (still does...) that the only worth I had was what pieces of papers said. Heck, I was only ever in college just to try and "learn" but I never even learned anything in school; anything I have any sort of decent skill at I had to learn ON MY OWN because nobody knows how to teach me anything. School ruined learning for me, but maybe it's just that I'm stupid and stubborn and/or for some freak accident of nature, I have gained eagles' eye of a corrupt system I can't do anything about.

 

So, basically, I have no hope in this life because I just can't fit into or am simply incapable of any of the ice cream flavors of "success" necessary for people my age in this country or any developed nation for that matter (those being stress-inducing mcjob vanilla, endless college chocolate, or armed forces strawberry... let's add neopolitan to the list so I don't see the point in staying alive. It all feels like slavery to me, only the whips were softened and now they use classism and money to divide us instead of skin color.

 

Even my own friendships are empty and shallow; most people want me to be seen but not heard, treat me like someone to feel better than, and will act like I don't exist most of the time, and the others are super clingy and needy beggars who expect me to be there for them 24/7/365. It wasn't even my choice to be born in the first place. I'm 100% certain that I'm going to kill myself very very soon and I don't even debate that in my head anymore. All I think about is which song I want to kill myself to and which method will be the most painless. Heck, I already know which foreign country I want to go to for my final vacation so I can have SOME form of happiness before I die (I'll probably even cut out the middleman and just kill myself there.) Don't worry, I'm going to write a nice long suicide letter abstaining my parents, friends, and family from the blame and telling them that I'm well aware that this crap is all my fault which is nothing new to me because I take all the blame for everything people accuse me of and all I ever do anymore is make people angry and/or depressed.

 

The thing that REALLY hurts though is that I fell for all this crap in the first place. I REALLY TRIED to do nothing but shut up and stand back in line like I'm supposed to, but for some unknown reason I just can't (that, or I'm simply neurologically incapable.) I wish I could just somehow go back to work or college with some drug/hypnosis that makes me feel like instead of slaving I'm at one of said foreign countries/tropical islands enjoying myself, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else, but I know that psychiatry has no ability to do so. It's like everything I ever worked for, hoped for, or lived for was a lie... I wish I could just shut up and get back in line for the slaving, marry the first woman that isn't a man, have albino-looking kids who are as depressed/more depressed than I am and blame them when they also don't (or can't) fit into this crummy scapegoating society, go to church to follow some bullcrap religion, and be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else is, but after a lot of thought I know that this is basically impossible, and even if I did achieve it, I'd probably want to kill myself anyways, so I don't even know what the difference is.

 

Here's to hoping I'll die as soon as possible so I can be free of the pain of being alive.

 

Listen bud, I can relate to you on so many issues, except for the suicide part! Yeah, I feel the same about school, they never thought me anything there, I learned everything I know all by myself. I went to school for car mechanic, never learned a thing, now I fix cars for my friends. I learned graphic design, worked for years, then went to school just to get a degree. I fix computers, never went to school for that. Even f**n English language, they never thought me anything in school, I learned when I came to US.

 

Let's cut to the chase. I have all the same problems as you, and that's just the beginning, that's the smallest of all my issues! The only thing is I'm relatively healthy, but I do have some back problems. I don't wanna go into details about my issues here, but trust me, it's very depressing and I feel helpless and hopeless. But I'm still not giving up, and you shouldn't either!

 

Yes, life is not very exciting most of the time, most of it is just getting by and surviving, but you should live for those moments of happiness that will undoubtedly come! Hell, I had the best five years of my life with my ex gf! it was worth living and I have no regrets. I will eventually find it again, happiness, in some form. maybe it will be new love, maybe I'll get into something that will bring me money without me having to work that hard so I can go and travel, something I always wanted. IT WILL HAPPEN!

 

you need to realize that ending your life is just an easy way out, but you will miss out on so many great things. Life is like a roller coaster, the ride will eventually end anyway, why would you want to jump out of it prematurely?

 

I know it's easier said than done, maybe you need professional help to go through this, but take it from me, my life has been a misery for the most part, but I'm still looking forward to it.

 

My childhood was cut short, war in my country, being a refugee for 4 years, then I went back, I hated it, then I came to US and I've been fighting ever since with my immigration status, chances to win my asylum case are very bleak and I might be forced to go back... All along the way I've been meeting people and losing them, this way or another. I've felt alone and lonely for the most part of my life, I have no family here, now I'd lost the love of my life, the person I considered my family...

 

You see, it can always get worse. You should never give up hope. And yeah, religion is not an answer to me, I'm an atheist. Yup, nothing to look forward, there is no reward for me waiting when I cross over. Still I'm here and fighting, I'm not really sure what I'm fighting for, but it doesn't really matter. keep your feet firmly on the ground, when life throws you a punch, take it the best you can and swing back as hard as you can! This is the fight you cannot win, but I know sure as hell that I'm not going to throw in a towel!

 

Good luck man!

[Deivu1221]

get your butt to a doctor ASAP and tell him about this stress you've been under – it's quite possible that with the daily help of a pill, your blood chemistry can be brought back into whack and everything will seem less horrible. Not completely better, mind you, but at least help get you to a place where you're not feeling such drastic emotions about everything.

 

dying doesn't solve anything, and frankly, do you want to give in to a bunch of crap that's dragging you down? You sound fiesty ... now channel it into healing and kicking some butt when life throws crap at you.

 

Like I said in the beginning, I've been to the doctor HUNDREDS of times about this, wasting all that money only for them to act like I'm just being this way for attention, hell I even took those anti-depressants they gave me, and they just turned me into a depressed zombie. Sure, I was maybe slightly less manic, but still a depressed zombie nonetheless.

 

LOL are you serious? Of COURSE dying solves things, in fact, all of my problems at once! I mean, I don't get it; the "humane" society and even veterinarians put millions of animals that are in morbid pain or that they simply can't find a home for to death all the time! What's so different about us humans? It's "wrong" and "selfish" for a human being to kill themselves because we have all this technology and can speak and can walk upright? Yeah right! We humans have been given the gift of exiting the jungle, and what do we do with it? Over-reproduce and destroy the planet and make "Jersey Shore!" I'm beginning to think the ancient Japanese were in fact being humane in ordering seppuku and/or hara-kiri; I mean, failure in that society is FAR WORSE than death because it's not like anybody was going to sympathize with them or hire them for jobs or praise them after their failure. At least (even the modern Japanese, how they only seem to care about suicides for FINANCIAL reasons) they were honest; here in America where I live, they feel the need to paint a fake smile and put a Christian cross behind everything bad (very ironic considering the crucifix was used as an instrument for the DEATH PENALTY back in ancient times.) Why can't they tell the TRUTH!? Oh right, because politicians and preachers have made their monopolies on LIES and who would want to stop making all that money for some stupid moral reason?

 

Sorry to say this, but you need to stop feeling so goddamn sorry for yourself. EVERYONE has problems. We all feel down on ourselves and our lives sometimes. You hate your job, change it. From this post, I just read that your attitude sucks. You have a lifeless mentality, like you've long ago decided that you've given up any hopes of being happy.

 

You hate your job? Look for something new then, something completely different. Maybe, a job whereby it benefits others i.e. care work, social work, animal work (whatever it is) may help, it may give you a sense of purpose. Find something that you do enjoy, rather than looking at all of the things you don't...

 

...try something new, that maybe isn't conventional, but something that you'd enjoy doing.

 

Life is a struggle, but it's far better than death. Goals are always a good thing to have. Consider your life for a moment, where you want to be, what you enjoy, your values, who you are. What did you want to be when you were young? Think about it all, and aspire to something. Anything you want. It helps.

 

You have options, it's up to you to get off your butt and use them or waste them.

 

Sorry to say this, but people like you are part of what made me a closet suicidal in the first place. It's ok though; to be fair you don't know me in real life, I'm used to people telling me it's "simply my attitude" but how do people think I got this way? That I woke up and I just told myself "I KNOW! I'll get people to feel sorry for me!" one morning? Go ahead and think that, but I know I'm not completely crazy. This society is a scapegoat, it will blame anything and anybody but itself.

 

I've tried looking for new jobs... and guess what? THEY AREN'T THERE, or at the very least, require one to be a GENIUS or HERCULES (or both) to do (if you're a man anyways... I've noticed women seem to have WAY more job opportunities!) This is 2010 dammit not 1990! I can't just get up and quit my job Office Space style, otherwise I'd have already BEEN GONE! After work, I'm always too tired to fill out applications, and even when I do, all I ever get faced with is REJECTION! Even my own dad did social work and all that, and guess what? He was overworked just like me! He got the opportunity to move back to where he was raised (the big island of Hawai'i) and FFS he got to WORK AT HOME, but he never seemed to enjoy it much since he had to travel all the time, take calls on his vacations, the way I saw him at work HE should have BEEN THE BOSS of the company he worked for, and eventually all he did was sit at his laptop doing work instead of finding ways to get rid of his beer belly and exercise like he wanted to. He died of a stroke when I was 17, and I remember one of the last things he told me a few months before that was that he wanted to open an instrument shop instead of do office work. I truly believe he died from overwork, and that's a painful way to go; if it's just going to be "like father like son" why not cut the pain short?

 

I even do the things that make me happy, or at least try when I have energy, but they don't even make a difference any more... if they did, I'd be doing them right now. I was cursed with wanting things that are impossible, and I can try to force myself to want lesser things, but that doesn't work because the desire is still there. I want to be an actor or singer, but how can I when I'm a short male, weird, and not "attractive" (or at the very least, not society's ideal) and how can I sing when I work at it and work at it but my voice still sucks and everybody just puts me down no matter what and I can't get a voice coach because like I said nobody can seem to teach me anything? Now, the only thing I want is death so I can be free... maybe death is the one true freedom, the heaven that I'm looking for.

 

Also... I feel like it's a slap in the face for you to tell me to "get off my butt" when I'm NEVER SITTING DOWN at work; it's PHYSICAL LABOR that I do! I'm off my butt most of the day, and I'm STILL miserable, so those lying scientists and researchers who whore "exercise" as the cure to everything can BITE ME as well!

 

Except for maybe the "harder drugs" part (yes that's the prude in me talking:) ), I think Yer_Blues has a point. Do something crazy that doesn't involve offing yourself.

 

Also, remember, that you don't have a monopoly on thinking life sucks. Not by a long-shot. Many of us do (job, life, friendships, relationships, happiness--I could totally highjack your thread, but I won't). But even with all that, I always remember this: Why would I consider death the easier option than actually just doing something different? What on earth is there to lose?

 

Yer_Blues is also correct in saying that feeling absolutely bitter and dark about life is actually a privilege. Revel in the fact that you have a life to hate...it's not much, but it's enough to know that that experience, in itself, is worthy. Might not be pleasant, but it's a privilege over those who don't have it.

 

Another way to change your perspective: Watch a good friend die. Slowly. Watch her get robbed of every privilege you take for granted--eating favorite foods (the drugs make it impossible to keep anything down), picking up a pencil (the chemo ruins the nerve endings and makes it impossible to grip anything), watching television or reading (the chemo makes the eyesight blurry), peeing for heaven's sake (have to be catheterized because of the drugs), and finally breathing. Then, eat that pizza or pick up that pencil or pee and realize that even THOSE things can't be taken for granted. You realize that even those are something to enjoy.

 

If you don't care about life so much that you would choose to die, then why not care about your life so much that you actually do something crazy, just for the sensation of it? After all, who cares? Learn to skydive (might want to talk to skydiveaddict about that one), bungee jump, hike across the country, travel to Australia. Whatever it is. Whatever crazy thing it is, believe me, it makes a whole lot more sense than doing the harder thing, which is going from an infinite number of possibilities to none at all.

 

People like you are almost as bad as the bullies who pushed me around and picked on me... you don't know me in real life; who I am and what I can handle. Sure, I may be in utter misery and suffering at a job that sucks and have more loneliness than I know what to do with, but what the hell at least I can pee! That's a big reason as to why there will be no revolution and this world will become a global version of 1984. They have no fight left in them; like George Carlin said they've been bought off with gizmos and gadgets. They don't give two craps about WHAT happens to the world or even their own lives as long as they can keep their big screen TVs, SUVs with 24's on them, Blu-ray players, cell phones that are everything BUT PHONES, and huge stereos. Being bitter and angry about all this stuff is no privilege, it's a curse... a curse one has to experience to know.

 

Guess what? I DID watch a good friend die; he delved into hard drugs (against my warnings) and I watched his descent and watched him do all sorts of underhanded things to get them. He started with binge drinking, then E, then coke, and eventually meth... eventually, he killed himself by walking in front of a moving train. When he killed himself, I was angry at myself and I blamed myself for not forcing him to rehab... I still am. I would have DIED (he had violent friends who depended on him for drugs) to save him if I could live my life over again. Better I die than him anyways 'cause even he had more talent and intelligence than I.

 

You know what else? All the stuff you listed requires MONEY, and TONS of it! Just like everything in this world, all of that requires more money than I have; I'm actually saving up money so I can at least enjoy one more week of happiness at this foreign country before I die. I might actually have to shrink it to 3 days because my rent is going up. This world revolves around money, and it is the one true god of this world... a man-made god at that (then again, aren't all of 'em man made?) I can't say when I'm going to kill myself 'cause I honestly don't know when I'll have the money and courage, but I can be 100% sure it will happen. Everything I do in the meantime I just a futile attempt to fix something that can't be fixed.

 

Thanks to everyone who posted for the replies though... I'm surprised my thread even got the replies that it did.

 

One last thought, I don't understand why people treat suicide like the "easy way out." I actually think it's far easier to live a life of quiet desperation in hopes something "good" might happen if you goose step along with what society wants... it's much MUCH harder, IMHO to stare death in the face and tell god "F YOU!"

Edited November 15, 2010 by Deivu1221

[KingCrimson]

It sounds like you already have your mind made up. So what do you hope to achieve from this post? Just end it already. All I saw was a bunch of whining. When's the manifesto going to be released?!

 

What I will say is, I don't think you ever really made an effort. Work sucks, you know why? You are a prospect-less, college dropout. You're stuck in retail, complaining, when have you even really tried? No, you've just taken the lazy way out and want to blame society for your laziness.

 

You're right in that in your actual career, you don't apply all the knowledge you learn in college. Yes, I had to put up with the basic gen-eds and whatnot for my first year or so. But then when you actually get into junior, senior level courses, you DO learn useful skills, technologies, and cutting edge research that are used in the field. Do you learn some stuff you'll never use later? Yes, but in the process you develop other skills that do carry over.

 

Being an elecrical engineer/Computer Science major, I learned a lot on digital design, processor design, operating systems, that I don't ever do in my current job. But you learn fundamentals and other skills and deep-understanding of the technology which I feel makes me a better coder now. And all the projects you do? It's just practice.

 

ANd now gues what - I have a relaxed, laid back career. I can work from home whenever I want. I can show up/leave work whenever I want. I can go to work in a tshirt and jeans. The jobs has awesome health benefits, state of the art gym, and other perks and benefits. Sure, the product isn't the most exciting, it is a huge corporation, but guess what? It's NOT slave labor.

 

One of my roommates/friends? Guess what - he quit, joined a startup, quit that, now freelances. He can pick and choose his contracts. He's out now traveling and working remotely almost every other week, visiting places he's never been. And when he's at home he's chilling on the couch, or a park, or whereever he wants to working at his own pace. I have friends working in cut-throat, busy startups, but guess what? they Love the product they work on, it's interesting to them (for example, one works at a music software/Internet radio startup, and he's really into music).

 

The common thread? We all went to university. We did not take the easy way out and dropout. There are skills, tehcnologies, and knowledge you learn in college. This is what separates us from the average joe that thinks he knows everything because he read some online tutorial or picked up a book at Borders, or once upon a time took a class/certification at his local ****hole community college.

 

This gives me the freetime to do WHAT I WANT. I want to go out and get drunk and show up to work at noon the next day? That's doable. I want to leave work early to go play on my co-ed softball team every evening? That's cool. I want to go hit up the gym in mid-afternoon and hit off my shopping list, that's fine. I want to take a 3-day weekend and go on skitrip 3 hours away? That's fine, all it requires is one e-mail saying "on PTO today", and tying up loose ends the night before.

 

And I know that whenever I want, if I want a more "fast-paced", high-risk-high-reward, but interesting job - something I have more say over rather than a big corporate product... I can leave anytime and do it. Why? I have the skills, resume, and diploma to back it up. You? Nada. You were a quitter.

 

My free time? I can do whatever I want. I can go biking, snowboarding, drinking at the bars, wine tasting, sleeping in, taking classes at the local comedy club, crossfit and olympic lifting classes at the gym, concerts almost every weekend, brewing beer in the free time, going tot he beach, playing softball with a local co-ed team, unwinding with some TV and video games. I can do it all, make 80k in just salary per year only 2 years out of college + health care, stock options, 401k, bonuses, AND have a job that allows me to work from wherever and whenever I want, and wear whatever I want.

 

So tell me this. Do you try? Have you ever tried? Or, like the countless lazy average folk - do you expect everything to be handed to you on silver platter, and everyone to accommodate your needs? Too tired after your retail job?! Suck it up, bro. We've all been there.

Edited November 15, 2010 by KingCrimson

[Deivu1221]

It sounds like you already have your mind made up. So what do you hope to achieve from this post? Just end it already. All I saw was a bunch of whining. When's the manifesto going to be released?!

 

What I will say is, I don't think you ever really made an effort. Work sucks, you know why? You are a prospect-less, college dropout. You're stuck in retail, complaining, when have you even really tried? No, you've just taken the lazy way out and want to blame society for your laziness.

 

You're right in that in your actual career, you don't apply all the knowledge you learn in college. Yes, I had to put up with the basic gen-eds and whatnot for my first year or so. But then when you actually get into junior, senior level courses, you DO learn useful skills, technologies, and cutting edge research that are used in the field. Do you learn some stuff you'll never use later? Yes, but in the process you develop other skills that do carry over.

 

Being an elecrical engineer/Computer Science major, I learned a lot on digital design, processor design, operating systems, that I don't ever do in my current job. But you learn fundamentals and other skills and deep-understanding of the technology which I feel makes me a better coder now. And all the projects you do? It's just practice.

 

ANd now gues what - I have a relaxed, laid back career. I can work from home whenever I want. I can show up/leave work whenever I want. I can go to work in a tshirt and jeans. The jobs has awesome health benefits, state of the art gym, and other perks and benefits. Sure, the product isn't the most exciting, it is a huge corporation, but guess what? It's NOT slave labor.

 

One of my roommates/friends? Guess what - he quit, joined a startup, quit that, now freelances. He can pick and choose his contracts. He's out now traveling and working remotely almost every other week, visiting places he's never been. And when he's at home he's chilling on the couch, or a park, or whereever he wants to working at his own pace. I have friends working in cut-throat, busy startups, but guess what? they Love the product they work on, it's interesting to them (for example, one works at a music software/Internet radio startup, and he's really into music).

 

The common thread? We all went to university. We did not take the easy way out and dropout. There are skills, tehcnologies, and knowledge you learn in college. This is what separates us from the average joe that thinks he knows everything because he read some online tutorial or picked up a book at Borders, or once upon a time took a class/certification at his local ****hole community college.

 

This gives me the freetime to do WHAT I WANT. I want to go out and get drunk and show up to work at noon the next day? That's doable. I want to leave work early to go play on my co-ed softball team every evening? That's cool. I want to go hit up the gym in mid-afternoon and hit off my shopping list, that's fine. I want to take a 3-day weekend and go on skitrip 3 hours away? That's fine, all it requires is one e-mail saying "on PTO today", and tying up loose ends the night before.

 

And I know that whenever I want, if I want a more "fast-paced", high-risk-high-reward, but interesting job - something I have more say over rather than a big corporate product... I can leave anytime and do it. Why? I have the skills, resume, and diploma to back it up. You? Nada. You were a quitter.

 

My free time? I can do whatever I want. I can go biking, snowboarding, drinking at the bars, wine tasting, sleeping in, taking classes at the local comedy club, crossfit and olympic lifting classes at the gym, concerts almost every weekend, brewing beer in the free time, going tot he beach, playing softball with a local co-ed team, unwinding with some TV and video games. I can do it all, make 80k in just salary per year only 2 years out of college + health care, stock options, 401k, bonuses, AND have a job that allows me to work from wherever and whenever I want, and wear whatever I want.

 

So tell me this. Do you try? Have you ever tried? Or, like the countless lazy average folk - do you expect everything to be handed to you on silver platter, and everyone to accommodate your needs? Too tired after your retail job?! Suck it up, bro. We've all been there.

 

Looks like the system worked for you... and I'm happy for you. I don't know if you had to rub it in, or if you even read what I wrote, but that's ok. In fact, I don't know why I wrote it in the first place... or why you bothered writing all that if you scoff at me so much and think of me as a "quitter" and "loser"; are you one of those people who gets off on hearing themselves talk? If you have such a great life, why are you even on a site like this; why not go out and LIVE and ENJOY ALL THAT FREE TIME like I would if I were you? You remind me all too much of those bullies who used to pick on me ceaselessly and shrinks who tear people like me who don't "fit in" apart under the guise of "help." It's people like you who make this world all the more unbearable for people like me, and made me consider suicide in the first place; bravo. You're doing god's work, y'know that? I'm just a weed to people like you, and the weedkiller will get rid of me soon enough.

 

Don't worry, I'll end it soon enough and nobody will ever see me or hear about me ever again. Then you can go on with your wonderful life and act like nobody ever posted this crap.

[KingCrimson]

Looks like the system worked for you... and I'm happy for you. I don't know if you had to rub it in, or if you even read what I wrote, but that's ok. In fact, I don't know why I wrote it in the first place... or why you bothered writing all that if you scoff at me so much and think of me as a "quitter" and "loser"; are you one of those people who gets off on hearing themselves talk? If you have such a great life, why are you even on a site like this; why not go out and LIVE and ENJOY ALL THAT FREE TIME like I would if I were you? You remind me all too much of those bullies who used to pick on me ceaselessly and shrinks who tear people like me who don't "fit in" apart under the guise of "help." It's people like you who make this world all the more unbearable for people like me, and made me consider suicide in the first place; bravo. You're doing god's work, y'know that? I'm just a weed to people like you, and the weedkiller will get rid of me soon enough.

 

Don't worry, I'll end it soon enough and nobody will ever see me or hear about me ever again. Then you can go on with your wonderful life and act like nobody ever posted this crap.

 

Bully? I'm 5'7". I was picked on in high school and had no friends back then. All I did was sit inside, play computer games, be antisocial, miserable. Rant about society, shallow people, pop culture, all that. I didn't go out, I was miserable. Never went to a football game. Never went to prom. Never played sports.

 

It looks like you had similar issues. How were you bullied, if you don't mind me asking? And what were you bullied for? For how long? And what did you do about it? Did you at least have friends(i on the other hand, did not)? I tink you're still caught up on your past, and need to move on. Who cares what some bullies that are now probably fat, living with their parents, and also hating their life over some retail job, think/thought about you? Give a big mental middle finger to them, and move on

 

But guess what? One day I got sick of it. I realized it was just me. I was too wound up, judgmental of other people. I cared too much what other people thought of me. I tried to purposely "be different", and yet I never stopped caring what others thought of me. It never hit me for a while that I either needed to do what I want and not give a ****, or stop being so elitist and judgmental and just chill out.

 

I went to college out of state, decided pretty much to become a new person. Yes, I worked my ass off for 4 years. In the end, it was worth it.

 

I hate people that complain about the "system". What is this system you speak of?

 

I was rubbing it in because I've been there. I only now wish back in my high school/early college days I had someone slap some sense into me. I had to learn on my own, and wallowed in my own misery and hating of the world/elitism for most of my middle school/high school years. That was 6 years ago. You never learned to love life and appreciate what you have.

 

Also, you know what is the irony in life? Most of the so-called bullies back in high school, the mean, pot smoking, drinking, class cutting, the jocks, guess what. Now they're the ones that are still stuck living in parent's house, working crappy hourly unskilled labor jobs, broke and/or not going anywhere in life. Now I'm the one that's ironically into sports, lifting, drinking and partying on weekends - all the while living on my own, being a responsible adult with a good career during the day, doing what I want for fun and not slaving away. I see folks like aforementioned when I go back home to visit family, and I can only help but chuckle when I still see them hanging out at the same strip malls in boring suburbia.

 

I just hope you realize this. Make something of yourself. You're still young right? And **** whatever happened in the past. You can do the same, the last laugh's on you- assuming you make an effort.

 

As for why I'm on this site? I'm still a newbie when it comes to girls and dating. It's a work in progress remember... I may have been just like you in high school, just over 6 years ago. But I've made steps to change myself, advance my personality and career. I still have room to grow, especially overcoming my shyness around women and new social encounters (esp when sober). Just remember, the longer you keep up this outlook and insulate yourself, the longer recovery is going to be. Humans are social, community-based animals. Remember that.

 

EDIT: Where do you live? Find clubs, groups, organizations that do things you like. If you live near a big city, check out www.meetup.com. There are groups/clubs that meet up for almost EVERY activity imaginable. Check www.yelp.com for local things and events. Find stuff you like to do and do it with people. Step outside comfort zone, and try things you've never done. You say you like acting and singing? Well guess what that's exatly how I found out about a local comedy club that offered a month long, bi-weekly comedy class. They had classes for all levels. It was a great experience. Try something like that?

Edited November 15, 2010 by KingCrimson

[Deivu1221]

Bully? I'm 5'7". I was picked on in high school and had no friends back then. All I did was sit inside, play computer games, be antisocial, miserable. Rant about society, shallow people, pop culture, all that. I didn't go out, I was miserable. Never went to a football game. Never went to prom. Never played sports.

 

But guess what? One day I got sick of it. I realized it was just me. I was too wound up, judgmental of other people. I cared too much what other people thought of me. I tried to purposely "be different", and yet I never stopped caring what others thought of me. It never hit me for a while that I either needed to do what I want and not give a ****, or stop being so elitist and judgmental and just chill out.

 

I went to college out of state, decided pretty much to become a new person. Yes, I worked my ass off for 4 years. In the end, it was worth it.

 

I hate people that complain about the "system". What is this system you speak of?

 

I was rubbing it in because I've been there. I only now wish back in my high school/early college days I had someone slap some sense into me. I had to learn on my own, and wallowed in my own misery and hating of the world/elitism for most of my middle school/high school years. That was 6 years ago. You never learned to love life and appreciate what you have.

 

Bullies come in many different shapes and forms. Plus, there are many different types of bullies and bullying out there; not all of them are literally physical... I don't purposely try to "be different" if that's what you're implying; if I were, I would have a lot more friends than I do now. Any moron can put facepaint on and wear tight jeans that sag and get tons of piercings and tattoos and claim to be "different." It's even harder to find friends and acceptance if one chooses to ignore both pretenses of conformity.

 

I guess talking about my worldview won't work for a success story like you. You seem set in your ways anyways so you're not gonna believe anything I say and just scoff it off as "bull****" at your own leisure. I'll save my breath and my fingers. This is pointless; I'm done with this... arguing with people over the internet (especially those who don't know me) is a lot like winning the special olympics; even if ya win, you're still retarded. I know, most overused quote of all time, but very true. I've seen WAY too many pointless BBS battles over stupid stuff; I'm not going to stoop that low. All it's going to do is create a continual back-and-forth where all this energy is expended and nothing changes; just like my family arguing about politics.

 

Thus, I'll end this with a "have a nice day!"

Edited November 15, 2010 by Deivu1221

[GorillaTheater]

Thus, I'll end this with a "have a nice day!"

 

You have a nice day, too. Personally, I think you could use your anger to make some necessary changes in your life. But if you choose not to, at least try not to leave a mess for other people to clean up. And get a will, that way your family won't have to deal with intestacy issues while also having to make funeral arrangements. Consideration is key.

[KingCrimson]

Bullies come in many different shapes and forms. Plus, there are many different types of bullies and bullying out there; not all of them are literally physical... I don't purposely try to "be different" if that's what you're implying; if I were, I would have a lot more friends than I do now. Any moron can put facepaint on and wear tight jeans that sag and get tons of piercings and tattoos and claim to be "different." It's even harder to find friends and acceptance if one chooses to ignore both pretenses of conformity.

 

I guess talking about my worldview won't work for a success story like you. You seem set in your ways anyways so you're not gonna believe anything I say and just scoff it off as "bull****" at your own leisure. I'll save my breath and my fingers. This is pointless; I'm done with this... arguing with people over the internet (especially those who don't know me) is a lot like winning the special olympics; even if ya win, you're still retarded. I know, most overused quote of all time, but very true. I've seen WAY too many pointless BBS battles over stupid stuff; I'm not going to stoop that low. All it's going to do is create a continual back-and-forth where all this energy is expended and nothing changes; just like my family arguing about politics.

 

Thus, I'll end this with a "have a nice day!"

 

When did i say your bullying had to be physical? Most of the time it isn't. I'm just curious as to where you come from, who bullied you, and for what? What were you teased over and how'd you respond to it?

 

Where do you live? how old are you?

 

explain your worldview then. explain this "system". Explain to me what you've actively done to get out of your hole.

 

You make a post, then come up with excuses, attack, ignore, or make assumptions about people that respond here to you.

[Deivu1221]

You have a nice day, too. Personally, I think you could use your anger to make some necessary changes in your life. But if you choose not to, at least try not to leave a mess for other people to clean up. And get a will, that way your family won't have to deal with intestacy issues while also having to make funeral arrangements. Consideration is key.

 

Consider it considered. I'm still deciding who would get which of my possessions, but I have a rough draft in my head of my will... and I'm still trying to find a method of suicide that won't cause too much of a mess; I'm not doing it in my home that's for sure.

[josie54]

All the stuff you listed requires MONEY, and TONS of it! Just like everything in this world, all of that requires more money than I have; I'm actually saving up money so I can at least enjoy one more week of happiness at this foreign country before I die.!"

 

Hiking across country requires no money. Just courage. Skydiving: Offer to work for an outfit in exchange for lessons. Travel to Australia: Apply for a job on a cruise line. Anyone can do just about anything if they want to badly enough. And you don't want to.

 

 

Guess what? I DID watch a good friend die."

 

And you learned nothing from it. That's very, very sad.

 

I don't understand why people treat suicide like the "easy way out." I actually think it's far easier to live a life of quiet desperation in hopes something "good" might happen if you goose step along with what society wants... it's much MUCH harder, IMHO to stare death in the face and tell god "F YOU!"

 

Dying solves nothing. It's just quitting. Permanently. It's the lazy way out. That's all.

 

You seem to think that you're the only one who feels sad and hopeless--but that's the essence of depression isn't it? If you can ever manage to get outside of your own head and see that other people are suffering as well, you'll see the world is larger than you've made it for yourself. And if you actually talk to these people, you might be able to help each other and even make a friend or two. If you do that, you'll find that there is a way out of this that will actually make you grateful you didn't act on the impulses you are expressing here.

 

People like you are almost as bad as the bullies who pushed me around and picked on me... you don't know me in real life; who I am and what I can handle.

 

If you think I'm a bully, then you're way past any advice or response that I can possibly give. You did more bullying in that post that I've ever seen, so whoever your bullies were, they taught you well. I was trying to help, but I don't know what you want from us.

 

I do wish you good luck, and hope you find someone to talk to who can give you the help that I can't.

 

.

[harmfulsweetz]

Like I said in the beginning, I've been to the doctor HUNDREDS of times about this, wasting all that money only for them to act like I'm just being this way for attention, hell I even took those anti-depressants they gave me, and they just turned me into a depressed zombie. Sure, I was maybe slightly less manic, but still a depressed zombie nonetheless.

 

LOL are you serious? Of COURSE dying solves things, in fact, all of my problems at once! I mean, I don't get it; the "humane" society and even veterinarians put millions of animals that are in morbid pain or that they simply can't find a home for to death all the time! What's so different about us humans? It's "wrong" and "selfish" for a human being to kill themselves because we have all this technology and can speak and can walk upright? Yeah right! We humans have been given the gift of exiting the jungle, and what do we do with it? Over-reproduce and destroy the planet and make "Jersey Shore!" I'm beginning to think the ancient Japanese were in fact being humane in ordering seppuku and/or hara-kiri; I mean, failure in that society is FAR WORSE than death because it's not like anybody was going to sympathize with them or hire them for jobs or praise them after their failure. At least (even the modern Japanese, how they only seem to care about suicides for FINANCIAL reasons) they were honest; here in America where I live, they feel the need to paint a fake smile and put a Christian cross behind everything bad (very ironic considering the crucifix was used as an instrument for the DEATH PENALTY back in ancient times.) Why can't they tell the TRUTH!? Oh right, because politicians and preachers have made their monopolies on LIES and who would want to stop making all that money for some stupid moral reason?

 

 

 

Sorry to say this, but people like you are part of what made me a closet suicidal in the first place. It's ok though; to be fair you don't know me in real life, I'm used to people telling me it's "simply my attitude" but how do people think I got this way? That I woke up and I just told myself "I KNOW! I'll get people to feel sorry for me!" one morning? Go ahead and think that, but I know I'm not completely crazy. This society is a scapegoat, it will blame anything and anybody but itself.

 

I've tried looking for new jobs... and guess what? THEY AREN'T THERE, or at the very least, require one to be a GENIUS or HERCULES (or both) to do (if you're a man anyways... I've noticed women seem to have WAY more job opportunities!) This is 2010 dammit not 1990! I can't just get up and quit my job Office Space style, otherwise I'd have already BEEN GONE! After work, I'm always too tired to fill out applications, and even when I do, all I ever get faced with is REJECTION! Even my own dad did social work and all that, and guess what? He was overworked just like me! He got the opportunity to move back to where he was raised (the big island of Hawai'i) and FFS he got to WORK AT HOME, but he never seemed to enjoy it much since he had to travel all the time, take calls on his vacations, the way I saw him at work HE should have BEEN THE BOSS of the company he worked for, and eventually all he did was sit at his laptop doing work instead of finding ways to get rid of his beer belly and exercise like he wanted to. He died of a stroke when I was 17, and I remember one of the last things he told me a few months before that was that he wanted to open an instrument shop instead of do office work. I truly believe he died from overwork, and that's a painful way to go; if it's just going to be "like father like son" why not cut the pain short?

 

I even do the things that make me happy, or at least try when I have energy, but they don't even make a difference any more... if they did, I'd be doing them right now. I was cursed with wanting things that are impossible, and I can try to force myself to want lesser things, but that doesn't work because the desire is still there. I want to be an actor or singer, but how can I when I'm a short male, weird, and not "attractive" (or at the very least, not society's ideal) and how can I sing when I work at it and work at it but my voice still sucks and everybody just puts me down no matter what and I can't get a voice coach because like I said nobody can seem to teach me anything? Now, the only thing I want is death so I can be free... maybe death is the one true freedom, the heaven that I'm looking for.

 

Also... I feel like it's a slap in the face for you to tell me to "get off my butt" when I'm NEVER SITTING DOWN at work; it's PHYSICAL LABOR that I do! I'm off my butt most of the day, and I'm STILL miserable, so those lying scientists and researchers who whore "exercise" as the cure to everything can BITE ME as well!

 

 

 

People like you are almost as bad as the bullies who pushed me around and picked on me... you don't know me in real life; who I am and what I can handle. Sure, I may be in utter misery and suffering at a job that sucks and have more loneliness than I know what to do with, but what the hell at least I can pee! That's a big reason as to why there will be no revolution and this world will become a global version of 1984. They have no fight left in them; like George Carlin said they've been bought off with gizmos and gadgets. They don't give two craps about WHAT happens to the world or even their own lives as long as they can keep their big screen TVs, SUVs with 24's on them, Blu-ray players, cell phones that are everything BUT PHONES, and huge stereos. Being bitter and angry about all this stuff is no privilege, it's a curse... a curse one has to experience to know.

 

Guess what? I DID watch a good friend die; he delved into hard drugs (against my warnings) and I watched his descent and watched him do all sorts of underhanded things to get them. He started with binge drinking, then E, then coke, and eventually meth... eventually, he killed himself by walking in front of a moving train. When he killed himself, I was angry at myself and I blamed myself for not forcing him to rehab... I still am. I would have DIED (he had violent friends who depended on him for drugs) to save him if I could live my life over again. Better I die than him anyways 'cause even he had more talent and intelligence than I.

 

You know what else? All the stuff you listed requires MONEY, and TONS of it! Just like everything in this world, all of that requires more money than I have; I'm actually saving up money so I can at least enjoy one more week of happiness at this foreign country before I die. I might actually have to shrink it to 3 days because my rent is going up. This world revolves around money, and it is the one true god of this world... a man-made god at that (then again, aren't all of 'em man made?) I can't say when I'm going to kill myself 'cause I honestly don't know when I'll have the money and courage, but I can be 100% sure it will happen. Everything I do in the meantime I just a futile attempt to fix something that can't be fixed.

 

Thanks to everyone who posted for the replies though... I'm surprised my thread even got the replies that it did.

 

One last thought, I don't understand why people treat suicide like the "easy way out." I actually think it's far easier to live a life of quiet desperation in hopes something "good" might happen if you goose step along with what society wants... it's much MUCH harder, IMHO to stare death in the face and tell god "F YOU!"

 

I'm not trying to purposefully bully you-but the old saying is true-you get out of life, what you put into it. So I ask you, what are you putting into your life right now? To me, your posts seem to come from a place whereby you've been taunted in your life, bullied, and rejected from places/people. Maybe you fear rejection because that's all you know, and no longer see the point in trying.

 

Everyone gets rejected, most get bullied at some point, (I was for a great portion of my childhood) there were times I just wanted it all to end. And there are days I still feel like that girl who got bullied, but the onus for that is on me. It's up to me how much baggage I choose to drag around with me, and what baggage I choose to leave somewhere else. It's entirely on you.

 

I don't believe for one second you really want to end your life, you talk the big talk-but I don't think you really want to walk that walk. I've known a few people who've tried and failed to commit suicide on a few occaisions, truth was, they didn't really want to die. They just wanted help, attention (not in the 'woe is me' but in the way 'look I really need some help here) and sometimes, you need someone to slap you until reality beckons. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd be doing it/done it rather than posting on here about it. You want help, so please don't throw well-meaning advice and words away, they may help.

 

I think a lot of what you say is excuses. Excuses for why you can't do something, there's no such word as can't. There's won'ts and that's about it. I spent around about a year looking for work, while I'm at university, I didn't give up, I kept applying, and applying, eventually I got a job. It wasn't the best job in the world, but it was money. If you stick at something long enough, it pays off. Give up and you get nowhere.

 

I think people who commit suicide are selfish. They knowingly inflict unbearable pain on their loved ones, simply because they won't try. It's the easy way out. It's the coward's way out. Fighter's fight the good fight, and they don't always win, but they fight nonetheless, losers bow out with disgrace and lose because it's their nature to let themselves lose. There's no difference between a fighter and a loser, except for mentality and attitude.

 

Maybe that whole post is harsh to you, I don't know you in real life, you don't know me. But you posted a thread, and we responded. Right now, I think you want someone to just agree with you, and maybe pat you on the head, and maybe even condone what you've written, but no one on here will do that. I won't anyway. It's riddled with an unwillingness to try. Every suggestion everyone has made has been rebuffed and excused, your whole life is going to be a sorry excuse if you keep up with the excuses. I hope you do update, because I hope you rethink all of this.

 

Maybe one day you'll look back on this thread and this period of your life and think how silly you were being.

[Yer_Blues]

I love playing devils advocate, so here goes.

 

A lot of the responses keep insisting that suicide is the "easy way out", that it is "accomplishes nothing". You do realize how funny this is from the perspective of somebody who is actually suicidal/considering suicide. Looking at everything in terms of production and accomplishment is simply a way to perpetuate the human illusion that our actions have some kind of inherent significance or that our obtaining happiness is actually of any importance. All of your comments come from a rational point of view, but it is colored by societal norms and assumptions.

 

If happiness is your goal, you feel in control of reaching it, and that is how you view the world, then yeah, suicide seems like a strange and illogical action.

 

However, is you have slipped a bit deeper into analysis and a bit deeper into depression and you start to realize that you have very little control over your own actions relative to your perception of that control. You cannot prevent the pain and suffering that life brings, and if you don't see that much significance or reward in what NORMAL, HEALTHY people see significance and reward from, then it's really not worth said suffering. Suicide in this light isn't a cop out or some kind of failure, but rather like entering the shorter checkout line at a supermarket. Path of least resistance...

 

I personally still hold out hope for the whole happiness thing. Not sure I care if it means anything, life is too intriguing to give up. OP, embrace your circumstances and understand that you may be dealt a poor hand, things may not be fair (this world is nowhere near as fair as people make it out to be), but you still can find your own significance in life. Something interests you or makes you feel passionate, that's just the nature of having a higher level brain structure with innate desires/needs. All you really have to do is step out of the haze of negativity, view the world objectively, try to come to terms with your place in it (by far the hardest and most depressing part), and pursue what you actually like. Focusing on the negative is a cyclical, self-confirming monster that eats away at your thought processes until you build automatic negative responses to all situations. The world is much worse when viewed through depressed eyes, and things may look up for you when you break that cycle.

 

Now I don't think you can possibly call me a bully or accuse me of being an insensitive, unsympathetic bastard from this one...

[skydiveaddict]

Have you discussed ECT therapy with anyone?

[BambooLand]

Everone has a purpose in life and that purpose is what you want it to be and how hard you want to work for it. You can give up, end your life and hurt everyone who loves you forever and ever or you can be looked at with honor and respect by trying and reaching goals.

 

Look at each issue that bothers you and change them. Hard work it is, but you will feel better and better as each thing is coped and delt with. After a while you will come around, you just need to hang on and never give up.

 

Now go get a warm shower, put on your jammies and watch a nice movie with some hot coco:) Make life less serious, it feels better.

[Surrealist]

I'm not trying to purposefully bully you-but the old saying is true-you get out of life, what you put into it. So I ask you, what are you putting into your life right now? To me, your posts seem to come from a place whereby you've been taunted in your life, bullied, and rejected from places/people. Maybe you fear rejection because that's all you know, and no longer see the point in trying.

 

Everyone gets rejected, most get bullied at some point, (I was for a great portion of my childhood) there were times I just wanted it all to end. And there are days I still feel like that girl who got bullied, but the onus for that is on me. It's up to me how much baggage I choose to drag around with me, and what baggage I choose to leave somewhere else. It's entirely on you.

 

I don't believe for one second you really want to end your life, you talk the big talk-but I don't think you really want to walk that walk. I've known a few people who've tried and failed to commit suicide on a few occaisions, truth was, they didn't really want to die. They just wanted help, attention (not in the 'woe is me' but in the way 'look I really need some help here) and sometimes, you need someone to slap you until reality beckons. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd be doing it/done it rather than posting on here about it. You want help, so please don't throw well-meaning advice and words away, they may help.

 

I think a lot of what you say is excuses. Excuses for why you can't do something, there's no such word as can't. There's won'ts and that's about it. I spent around about a year looking for work, while I'm at university, I didn't give up, I kept applying, and applying, eventually I got a job. It wasn't the best job in the world, but it was money. If you stick at something long enough, it pays off. Give up and you get nowhere.

 

I think people who commit suicide are selfish. They knowingly inflict unbearable pain on their loved ones, simply because they won't try. It's the easy way out. It's the coward's way out. Fighter's fight the good fight, and they don't always win, but they fight nonetheless, losers bow out with disgrace and lose because it's their nature to let themselves lose. There's no difference between a fighter and a loser, except for mentality and attitude.

 

Maybe that whole post is harsh to you, I don't know you in real life, you don't know me. But you posted a thread, and we responded. Right now, I think you want someone to just agree with you, and maybe pat you on the head, and maybe even condone what you've written, but no one on here will do that. I won't anyway. It's riddled with an unwillingness to try. Every suggestion everyone has made has been rebuffed and excused, your whole life is going to be a sorry excuse if you keep up with the excuses. I hope you do update, because I hope you rethink all of this.

 

Maybe one day you'll look back on this thread and this period of your life and think how silly you were being.

 

Harmfulswetz you may not know anyone who has committed suicide so you feel little empathy for people who feel it or have attempted it, or to those who have suffered loss from someone close who has done it.

 

I think you need to stop running your mouth and bow out of this thread and stop commenting on things you have no idea about.

[BambooLand]

Harmfulswetz you may not know anyone who has committed suicide so you feel little empathy for people who feel it or have attempted it, or to those who have suffered loss from someone close who has done it.

 

I think you need to stop running your mouth and bow out of this thread and stop commenting on things you have no idea about.

 

I don't know anyone who has "done it" but I feel a lot of empathy for people in that mode of life. It makes me very sad.

 

I believe this is not the place for the OP. When it comes to expressing suicidal thoughts, more than an internet forum is required. The best thing anyone can do on here is post a hotline that the OP can call. They will send a "volunteer" that will come to them and talk. Sometimes just talking with someone wil calm them and turn their thoughts away from the bad things.

 

OP if you feel as if it is a possibility that harm will come to you, call a hotline and get someone there asap. That call can be your prevention and a start to getting real and serious help for yourself. There is nothing like someone there in those times even to just give you a hug.

[skydiveaddict]

ECT has been shown to be 90/95% effective at relieving severe depression. I think you should ask your doc about it.

[josie54]

ECT has been shown to be 90/95% effective at relieving severe depression. I think you should ask your doc about it.

 

I wholeheartedly agree--even if ECT is too aggressive, you need more than what you've been getting. You are suffering from a condition that is difficult to endure, but is treatable. Please look into other options. Once you get to the other side of this, you'll realize that you were being affected by a whole list of factors that you had no control over.

 

I realize how hard it is to see this now from where you are, but if you treat your depression like the illness it is, and find a treatment that works for you, you can get yourself there.

 

Depression (and other similar conditions) is one of the only illnesses where you really can't trust your own view of the world. It's kind of like anorexia--the person with the illness just can't believe that she's too thin. You can't believe that life is worth living. In this case, you just need to take the word of others around you that what you're feeling IS an illness, that it IS treatable, and that how it's making you see the world is NOT how the world really is. The world isn't perfect, but it's better than you're seeing it now.

 

No I don't know you, but if what you've been writing here is an accurate reflection of how you feel, you are suffering from a severe chemical imbalance. It's treatable, but as you've already experienced, not every treatment works for everyone. You've tried antidepressants and CBT, so it's time to move on to other things.

 

So, treat it like the illness it is. Listen to skydiveaddict and find a doctor with whom you can talk about different, more aggressive treatments, so that you can find one that works for you.

[TwilightSky]

To the OP, I've had similiar issues, as far as depression goes. I'm not sure what advice to give but I hesitate to encourage suicide as that seems inherently malicious. I'm hoping you can come across someone who is, psychologically, a fantastic problem solver.

 

As far as my own personal experiences go, along with the depression I suffer from extreme anxiety, so much so that my previous psych said it was in the "top 10" he's seen in over 20 years of practice. I'm not diminishing your issues at all, but simply letting you know that I can relate in a lot of ways to a terrible (putting it mildly) emotional state. Also, I have excessive germ-related OCD.

 

I cope in a way that is somewhat debatable in its long-term efficiency. Alcohol, usually at night to help me sleep, and it gives me a relaxed feeling, and a mild euphoria. Those little slices to me make life worth living. Now, I'm not suggesting become a raging alcoholic, but maybe knock back a few to take the edge off once in a while.

 

For me, letting go of that torment in those instances has made life much more bareable. I'm hoping my life will continue to improve but I'm not expecting miracles bestowed by heavenly forces (as I don't believe in the divine powers that supposedly create them). Hey, I know it is extremely hard to persist with life in the face of an emotional whirlwind, but I fervently wish you'll plod along and maybe find something that works for you. Best of luck.

[harmfulsweetz]

Harmfulswetz you may not know anyone who has committed suicide so you feel little empathy for people who feel it or have attempted it, or to those who have suffered loss from someone close who has done it.

 

I think you need to stop running your mouth and bow out of this thread and stop commenting on things you have no idea about.

 

I know enough people who have attempted it, to be allow me to comment. Thanks. I won't have you, surrealist, telling me which threads I ought to post in and which I shouldn't. In any case, I don't see your post offering much in the way of help to the OP. Just a little sidenote there.

 

I don't see what is wrong with my post aside from being slightly harsh-it was honest, and at the end of the day, it's an internet forum, you're not going to get people too scared to type the truth here. If you post something on the internet, you'll get a mixed bag of responses-some you like, some you don't. Simples.

 

Now, surrealist, what is your actual take on this?

 

The OP posted a thread, I replied with my honest opinion, I'm not here to moddlecoddle (sp?) anyone, I call it like I see it. I do think going to a doctor would be best for the OP, or ECT would be a good thing to try. Sometimes, you just gotta try all the things until you find the thing that helps.

Edited November 16, 2010 by harmfulsweetz