The thought of continuing existence makes my stomach churn

[thatsonlyme]

OP I hope you're still following this thread, and I believe just posting all this means that you still have some will to live, you just needed reassurance of sorts. A person who's dead set on suicide would just write his suicide letter and hop off the bridge, you're subconsciously looking for help, all in wrong places though.

 

Here is what you should do: first off, you have nothing to lose, right? If you're serious about suicide then you're already dead, so beside taking your last trip, why don't you try some other things as well? Why don't you try to talk to somebody who's terminally ill, or an inmate on a death row? You think it's stupid idea? think about it, you have something that those people would give everything for! they could give you some insight into life better than anybody else.

 

if that's too extreme for you, I recommend you to watch "the science of sex appeal" documentary. It really has nothing to with suicide, but you may get better general idea about what are you made of, how your "free will" is actually affected by chemicals in your brain. Just like some others have, you're suffering from chemical imbalance which could be treated. When you realize this, you can go talk to a doctor and see what could be done about you treatment.

 

Just think about it for a second. what makes YOU different from me or anybody else? Your life has been hard and unfair, you have no purpose in life, you feel all alone... So do I. I guess I should be thinking about suicide then, but I am not! We're both the same, made of the same ingredients, slaves of our hormones and chemical reactions in our brains, the only difference is our chemical balance. Maybe I have higher levels of dopamine or something else that makes me feel more positive about my life but that's it!

 

In a light of my recent breakup I had an opportunity to see how it works first hand. I was nearly suicidal, deeply depressed, unable to do anything, unwilling to work, I struggled emotionally... but I tried to find positive outlook, enjoy little things like nice weather and long walks, I hit the gym really hard because I have heard that helps with chemical balance... guess what, it worked! I'm not saying I'm happy now, but I'm looking forward to those moments of happiness that will undoubtedly come. Just like your planned trip, something that will bring you a little excitement in your life.

 

I'm not saying the same strategy will work for you, you seem to be stuck in that depressed state, just like I was for few months, but yours is longer lasting and you don't see the way out. It's easy to confirm all this crap about chemical balance. Just hit the club and get an ecstasy pill and watch your reality transforms into something completely different. I'm not advising you to start doing drugs, this was more for illustration purposes. That's what my ex gf did after our break up, she started drinking, partying, doing drugs and she appeared to be extremely happy. Few months later I spoke to her and realized what was the cause of her happiness - drugs!

 

You need help man, you need legal, prescription drugs that will help you get your chemical balance under control, only then you'll be capable of thinking clearly. As I said, you have nothing to lose. I just lost half an hour of my life writing this in hope that will open your eyes, please at least think about it. I don't like my time to be wasted, life is too short.

[Nikki Sahagin]

OP, I can completely agree with your post, except I won't kill myself.

 

I just want to share my own mindset with you, perhaps so that you can understand that you aren't 'alone.'

 

I often feel I was born thinking/feeling in a way that is always going to cause me problems. I remember when I was about 5, getting a strange 'epiphany' that there is just nothing out there after life, and realising that I couldn't be content with what life had to offer.

 

I don't want children, nor do I really want a husband - i'd like relationships/companionship but I realise that will never fulfill me the way I wish it would. Because I don't want the things i'm 'told' that I should, I feel like an outcast. It seems life is taking up by school/work/marriage/kids, but as I don't want marriage/kids, what's next for me?

 

I think that's what scares me. There is no 'next step' for me because I don't want any of those damn steps and you watch everyone else following them along, most, not all, quite happily. I wonder why I don't 'want' what other people do and what i'm supposed to want instead.

 

I feel like people and life in general have gone to sh**. We are surrounded by a war we shouldn't be involved in and no-one knows how to fix.

 

I don't care about oil and governments and all the rest, in fact I don't care about most things.

 

The only things that gets me through day to day is my family who i'd never want to hurt, my love of animals and doing something positive for them and this never ending quest of earning money with the vague hope that when I have it, i'll have some magical ideal of how to spend it to find happiness (I know...it won't happen.)

 

So I can 100% relate to you. If you're still around to read this i'd like to talk to you more as you actually make me feel less alone about all of this.

 

Also I can relate to the anger of your post. Its the desperation and frustration of feeling this way for so long. There is no magical cure for this. Maybe some of us people just 'are' this way - you have to keep looking up I guess instead of down, find one thing worth living for and start with that.

[quankanne]

OP – I think you could have a successful career as the cranky old fart that yells out at neighborhood children to stay off your bleepin' lawn. Should you decide to live long enough to actually do that ... :bunny: