fears that GF will be obese later in life, what to do!?

[lukefielding1265]

Ok, here's my story. My GF and I have been together for about 6 months now, and things are going alright. We have a few differences but overall we get along and have a loving, caring relationship. The M word has been a topic of discussion, which brings me to my main point. She is somewhat overwieght, not extremely so, but enough that it makes her feel bad about herself and is kind of an issue for me. Her mom and her grandma are both obese, but looked just like she does now when they were in their early 20s. Later in life, their genetic predisposition towards obesity took over, and I fear that my GF is headed the same way when she's that age. She even said herself that she feels like that's where she'll be. Her lifestyle is not particularly healthy, not that it would matter because genetics tends to play a determining role in body type, whether you eat right or not. I know better than to try to change her. I do love her, despite this and other issues, but I don't know if I could be with someone who is obese later in life. I mean, a few extra pounds would be fine, as long as she was healthy, I don't have unreasonable expectations, I just want to be with someone that I'm physically attracted to. I feel like a jerk even saying this, but it's true. Please help me think through this. Any input would be appreciated.

[Guest]

You know the answer. If you want to know what the daughter will look like later, look at the mother now.

[sugarmama]

Genetics or not, it is very hard to become obese if you are leading a healthy lifestyle. If you are that worried, if you get married make sure that you BOTH eat right and excersize. Make it a PRIORITY! If you are both doing it and raise a healthy family, then the weight will stay off.

 

It is simple math.....if you take in same as or less calories than you burn off, you CANNOT gain weight. Unless you have a gland problem (like thyroid, pitulitary, ect.) which medication treats.

 

Don't let this silly fear get in the way of your love for her. If you start a healthy lifestyle now, you'll have nothing to worry about 20 years from now.

[morrigan]

There was a similar thread on this a while back. What would you want your girlfriend to do if she was obsessed that you were going to be horribly wrinkled as you got older? Would you want to be with her or not?

 

If you truly can't get past her physical appearance, or accept physical changes in a person, you shouldn't marry her.

 

This is not condoning you to tell her "I'm breaking up with you because I'm afraid you'll be very fat when you get older." If you ever do decide to break up, just say you don't feel have the same feelings anymore.

[NEONINK]

You need to talk about this issue with your g/f. Kinda feel her out about how she feels about her mother and grandmother.

 

Is she comfortable with their weight? Does she think obesity is acceptable or unacceptable?

Also, what age is this girl. If she's well into her 30's, then you might be ok. However, at 40 it is pretty hard for me. I have to work at it. Will she be willing to maintain a decent figure (not stick figure) for you and her own health?

 

If she isn't weight conscious now, she may never be.

[SoleMate]

Her lifestyle is not particularly healthy, not that it would matter because genetics tends to play a determining role in body type, whether you eat right or not.

I really don't agree. Her relatives got fat because they consumed more calories than they burned. They were probably sedentary and consumed high calorie foods.

 

I feel like a jerk even saying this, but it's true.

You don't sound like a jerk to me at all, you sound like you're using your head. Obesity is epidemic in our society, and you're right, it can be amazingly unattractive to many of us.

 

I know better than to try to change her.

Well, I see three choices:

1) Accept her as she is, knowing that she will likely get fat like her relatives and your relationship will be hurt by it.

2) Leave her because of this problem.

3) Let her know, frankly yet kindly, what your concerns are, and ask her if she would be willing to work on modifying her diet and activity levels. This woulc be some thing that you do together, for both of you.

 

I'd choose #3. And is it really changing her, or is it helping her to be her best?

 

Don't feel bad about your concerns. They are 100% valid.

[moimeme]

Ask her to agree to live a healthy lifestyle with you. Ask her to begin now. If she'll make the change now, then she may well get hooked on that sort of life. If you wait until after you're married, she may never change. She needs to WANT to change, not just want it idly. The absolute key to changing one's life is to WANT it badly. Then you do it.

 

Of course, one of you could be hit by a bus or contract a fatal disease long before either of you has time to get fat.

[monkey00]

even tho stuff like this may be genetics, find that going to the gym and eating the right diet can avoid it.

it will be like a drug...if you stop for half a yr or more, you will revert back to the imaged genetic form.

 

i've met ppl in the gym who have lots of muslce, they say they used to be skinny.

i see ppl of sizes and shapes, and they are doing all they can to defy their genetic future.

it's possible to defy your future size and shape, but you have to keep working hard in order to succeed.

 

my chubby friend lying around his house all day long having low self-esteem & confidence. doesnt even hit the gym cause he doesnt think he can defy his genetic future. if u dont try how will you know?

[lukefielding1265]

I know that a healthy lifestyle can overcome most genetic predispositions. I've seen people with a naturally thick figure who are determined and disciplined become whatever they want to be physically. The issue is motivation. She and I have done things together like go to the gym, but she's not a big fan of it. I also know that exercise must be fun in order to become a rewarding habit. I used to be with another girl who was the exact same way and I hoped for the best but she was just motivated enough to complain about her weight and have low self-esteem, but not quite motivated anough to do anything about it. I will do everything in my power to encourage my GF to do what she needs to do to get the body she wants, but I can't and won't do it for her. I want her to be motivated intrinsically by her own desires and priorities, not extrisically,by my prompting. Intrinsic motivation is the only way to pruduce genuine and lasting results. I would never tell her what I said in this forum, I just wouldn't. She is down on herself about this, and is bitter toward skinny girls too, which gets kind of wearing. I think that her saying that she is fat and unattractive and hating herself is worse than any aspect of her physical appearance, I fear that as much as anything else. I think a lot of the issue is just the way we were raised. She's more a meat-and-potatoes, watch TV and sit on the couch on your day off, stay inside kind of person, and I'm more like eat anything and everything, go hiking, running, etc, and love to be outside kind of person. That is why I say that I don't want to try to change her. I have no expectations for her to be a size 2, just for her to be healthy and happy with her body, and as much as I do love her, I just have a deep down feeling that that will never really be the case. She is 4 or 5 inches shorter than me and 25 pounds heavier than me. Part of me says "girls that you can get along with and be in love with don't come along all the time, just quit being so superficial and go with it " and the other part of me says "you will never be truly physically attracted to her and she will never be able to keep up with you in the active lifestyle you want to lead, don't stay with her because you may have to live with the constant, dull, nagging pain of wondering what else is out there and realizing that your wife is not attractive to you and may get marginally colse to being so but never really will". Hardest decision I've ever had to consider... Please keep the insights coming, they are much appreciated.

[moimeme]

Buy her Dr. Phil's book. Whatever he said seems to be working for a bunch of folks with the added bonus that he's not advocating any sort of stupid fad diet. Couldn't hurt!

[moimeme]

As I understand it, he starts with people's thinking. And, as I said before, that's the secret. You have to WANT it bad. From what I gather, he talks people into wanting it bad. Heck, if the poster wonders whether it will work, he can always skim it in the bookstore or borrow it from the library.

[SoleMate]

She's more a meat-and-potatoes, watch TV and sit on the couch on your day off, stay inside kind of person, and I'm more like eat anything and everything, go hiking, running, etc, and love to be outside kind of person.

These are not small issues. The couple who plays together, stays together. I have seen marriages with this exact fundamental difference in them, and I don't think they work well unless both people are happy being apart a lot. Weekends, vacations, where you live, how you spend your time; you'll never want the same thing. You'll grow increasingly bored and disgusted with her indolence, and one day, especially after the kids arrive, you'll bump into a friendly gal who likes all the same things you do. Watch out then because many tears will be shed, including by you.

 

That is why I say that I don't want to try to change her.

The only two choices I would recommend for you are (1) work with her to change, or (2) call it quits. That little nagging doubt and regret ain't going away. And what is wrong with asking her if she would like your help to achieve one of her liflong goals? I agree, it takes some major finesse and diplomacy to communicate this message. But I'll speak for her and say I bet she would rather hear you come up with an idea and a plan, along with your loving support, rather than announce you are leaving. Or worse yet, vow to love her forever while a big part of you is screaming "No"! When you're telling strangers things you can't tell her, you know you have a problem.

 

Compromise on the toothpaste, and on steak or pasta, and on mystery novels vs. sci fi, and on crocheting vs. whittling. But not on physical attraction, and the couch potato vs. marathoner model.

 

I'm speaking from the heart on this.

[monkey00]

just keep this in mind and remember it at all times :

 

"rewards will not be reaped unless you take risks." or for this situation..."rewards will not be reaped for those who do nothing"

 

if you never take risks in life, how will you know the satisfaction of the outcome?

I agree it is a motivation thing. I myself is a little on the skinny side so i try my best and hit the gym 3x a week when i have time....im not growing muscles like my hair is growing, but ive gained several pounds, this stuff takes time man.

 

i see fat guys, fat girls, chubby girls hit the gym all the time, they practically go everyday. just about every time i go there, i see them. so believe me, there are others like her who want to defy their future, but they are motivated and they are confident they will be rewarded for their hardwork.

this is what she needs to realize, that those who dont work dont succeed

[Fofinha]

I am surprised at this post. If you cannot accept that all human beings will change as they age (as will you), then you have a major issue on your hands. Even the most fit person will see their bodies modify as they grow old.

I think your post is very shallow. I never even wondered for one second what my partner would look like as he grew older. I love him now and always will, no matter what. Love should not be defined by physical appereance. If it is, then she is NOT the right person for you and you should move on.

[dyermaker]

Fofinha, I strongly disagree. He didn't say that he wouldn't love her, only that he wouldn't be thrilled to marry someone whom he is not sexually attracted to, which makes perfect sense.

[Sundaymorning]

i honestly feel that if you are worried about the way someone looks, it isnt THEM, its you. But i do understand the physical attraction part, but, you must do things together and support one another.

in her family, food could be a comfort thing. she may want to discover WHY she is eating what she is and when. rediscover her actual HUNGER signals.

i put my life on this-

IF YOU can listen to your stomach, feed it WHATEVER IT WANTS when it is hungry and STOP when full, you will be at your natural weight one day. this is the only way to live really. diets do not work, losing weight and focusing on it doesnt work, losing weight hurts peoples emotions. focusing on your mind and good things in life and NOT on the weight loss is the way to go. once you see the weight go, you start to obsess over it. could lead to an eating disorder.

 

and another thing- ever thought about this?- if you see someone is losing weight and you say "wow you look great!" do you know what message that sends?

it sends- "my, you didnt look great before, something was wrong with you"

 

just my thoughts...from TONS of experience.

[dyermaker]

Obesity is not simply a matter of physical appearance, it's a health issue.

[lukefielding1265]

For me, the issue of weight is one of health and self-esteem much more than of physical appearance. The way someone feels about themself and carries themself has a greater effect on overall appearance than pounds or inches. I know that people age, and that most everyone ends up with a gut, wrinkles, or various wierd quirks and problems. i know that I'm no exception either, but there isn't a single fat person in my lineage, so that's not something I'm worried about. To her credit, she has said things to me like "I should get a bike too, so I can go with you", or "it's a beautiful day, let's go out and do something". That's what I like to hear. Exercise should be fun, torturing yourself is no way to live, and everyone should find their own personal groove as far as physical activities they enjoy. Her grandma grew up in an era when women didn't just go out and hike and bike, they cooked for their husbands and mostly stayed home, or worked part-time at the most. Her mom has 4 young kids to take care of and too little free time to relax or exercise, so those are contributing factors to her family's obesity that she won't have to face. We both want 2 kids, and we are in a more enlightened era when couples can go out and do things together instead of being like the Cleavers. Initiative is key, though. I mean, last summer, instead of working, she stayed at home, slept till 2 in the afternoon every day, never exercised, got outside, or got a job, and gained 15 pounds. The most she did was clean the house for her mom and help with her younger siblings when they got home from school. I can't give another person initiative, and I don't want to have to be someone's primary motivator, they've got to want it for themselves. I know that she's a great person and that she loves me, and sometimes I wish I could just see that instead of worrying about these issues, and be thinkful for what I've got when a lot of people never find someone that'll love them that much.

[Spastic_Gramps]

You're right about love should always endure beyond physical appearance or anything. But lets be realistic. This guy has only dated this girl for 6 months. Which is moderate time period to have a gf. They sound like they are both still young and even if not so, they are still only in the intermediate part of a long term relationship. If you are loosing physical attraction to your mate within 6 months, this is not some morally reprehensible phenomenon like some are making it out to be. Physical attraction, especailly in the earlier stages of a relationship, is of crucial importance.

 

Now if you were just concerned about possible obesity because of her family and genetics, I would question your judgement. However, you said during summer all she did was sleep late and gain weight. Now if you have been in a relationship for several years and are going to grow fat and happy together WHO CARES. Thats what love is all about, loving each other for who you are. But if your only in the intermediate stages of a relationship (sorry if i offend anyone), but I believe this is an issue that needs to be actively addressed. If you go to the gym yourself start encouraging her to go. You might have to change your diet and try to set an example for healthy living and encourage her to do the same. Eating healthy is really easy, but it takes a concentrated effort and after a while junk food makes you sick when you eat it. Since ya'll two are in obviously in love and this issue is important to you it should be important to her, in the very least for her own health.

 

I'm not saying you should give her some kind of ultimatium (ie. loose weight or I'm leaving you) cause that is obviously wrong and plus ya'll are in love. However if she refuses to address the problem of a healthly lifestyle and that is something that you want, then this issue becomes more about different outllooks on life than it does about one person's weight. You're not at all shallow for bringing this up. You have only been dating her for 6 months (which is a while, but in a serious long term relationship is not that long), so my advice is try and be a role model for her. It will take alot of work on your part, but if you love her that much it, hey relationships are work. If her unhealthy lifestyle continues then you have to make a choice and no matter what anyone says this is not some superficial, shallow nonsense that is going on. Its much more complicated than that and its your life too. sorry for my rambling, thats what my 23 years on earth has taught me.

[lukefielding1265]

there is more to the situation than I have already mentioned. I was married previously for less than a year, it ended because of lack of interest and commitment on the part of my ex, she decided she'd rather party and mess around than be a committed wife. This is not a skewed version of events, and I'm not bitter about it, it's what really happened. We were divrced in april and I met my gf in may of last year, and in reality we've been together for more like 10 months, I just put 6 because I wanted to conceal my identity in the off chance that she wandered into these forums. My ex was incurably lazy, she made my current GF look like an olympic athlete, she had no desire for activity or being outdoors, and she was also physically unattractive to me. The reason I married her.... I was stupid and thought I was in love, plus she was basically my first girlfriend. I had lingering doubts then too, but I didn't heed them and it led me into a bad relationship. Not that I condone divorce but I'm almost glad she flaked out on me because it saved me from a lifetime of misery. This time around I want to listen to my insides. It is also relevant that there wasn't much down time between my marriage and my current relationship. I know it seems like a textbook rebound, but I wasn't looking for anything serious when I met my current gf, I was intrigued by her and attracted to her, so I pursued her and things went from there. My gf has had problems with my past, with the fact that I'm not a virgin, that I was married before, etc. Those problems have gotten a little better but have not gone away completely, and are also an issue in my head. I know she loves me but if she'll always feel wierd about my past, then I don't know what I can do about that. There are also issues in the relationship of jealousy and trust. I have never done anything to warrant a lack of trust, and have always been faithful even though we're not married, that's just the way I work. When I said I wanted to go visit an old friend in FL for spring break, since mine is a different week than hers, she went on this rant about how she was sure I was going to go out on a double date with my friend, his gf, and his other female friend, get drunk, and cheat on her. She said she always felt like someone would end up cheating on her and how she couldn't help but not trust me, men are pigs, girls are sluts, etc, etc. Currently we are taking a break, but still hang out all the time. So that's the full story, in addition to what I've already posted about physical and emotional stuff.

[SoleMate]

Hearing about your previous marriage makes me even more sure that you should listen to what your gut is telling you. I wouldn't advise settling for someone right now when you're a bit smarter and you can see problems coming already. Is there any reason you feel you don't "deserve" a girl who really thrills you? I am such a romantic, I really do expect that two young people contemplating marriage should each think the other is totally fantastic. Authentic young love means that even the quirks will look cute.

 

If you do break up, which I would recommend seriously considering, then when you're ready to look again, I suggest looking in places that will have active people. Say hi to girls when you're out hiking or biking or doing other active things. Don't look in bars and malls, because people there tend to be on their rears.

 

As a final note, I consider it odd that your gf has a problem with your lack of virginity. You were married, for pity's sake, and your wife left you. Unless your gf expects you to maintain chastity and pine for your ex for a lifetime, there is no possible way you could have done better than you did. Your one mistake was bad partner choice - so don't make that mistake again.

[spencer]

excellent advice solemate. i meant to compliment you on you new avatar,

but really..........do you have to keep stealing pictures of the sport illustrated models.

 

how is it you happen to find couch potatoes? being as active as you are.

 

I dont like to excercise either if its not fun. that why i do martial arts so i can learn something, or go bike riding, and play beach volleyball. When i am out and about i find others with similar interests as mine. and it is neccessary to share lifestyles in a relationship.

 

try a little compromising with her. go bike shopping together, tell her if she gets a bike you will suprise her with a romantic day of riding. then plan a picnic with a healthy afternoon snack. if money is a problem offer to kick some in, you can get a good hybrid bike for $250 these days.

the next day lounge on the couch with her and watch some movies together.

im afraid if she doesnt take to this suggestion, then their is probably more going on with her, she may be depressed, or not as in to sharing your life with you if its not on her terms.

[saintfrancis]

luke, I don't think you're being shallow at all. Physical, sexual attraction is one of the key ingredients that sets a special, bonded relationship apart from just a simple friendship. Without that attraction... if you are not attracted to someone in "that way," then eventually you will come to think of her as "your good friend" and nothing more. It would be unfair to put her in that position down the line, especially if you are married.

 

She does not sound like she is going to be willing to change. Of course, I could be wrong, I don't know her. But, from what you've written, she might show some interest for a while, but eventually revert back to her old ways. SHE has to be the one to initiate changes in her life if they are to last a long time.

 

I disagree with the posters who said this is YOUR problem. It is not. It is your PREFERENCE to be attracted to your girlfriend. What the hell is wrong with that?? Nothing! That's normal, and quite reasonable.

[saintfrancis]

Ooooh I just read the rest of your story... your last post on this thread. I would seriously find someone with much higher self-esteem and not all the emotional baggage and jealousy.

 

And what's this about being bothered by your lack of virginity? Does she want a man, or a prize that she can put on her mantle? Ick. I think SoleMate is right on with this.