What does ED feel like to a man?

[luvstarved]

Just soliciting feeback from people who have lived with this...it now seems this is an issue in my marriage and wondering what it feels like from a man's perspective...

 

Is it less desire, or just less ability to follow through on desire? Do the spontaneous woodies just stop, or does it mostly manifest itself when with a partner? Does masturbation work as well as ever, or is that more difficult, too? Does looking at porn or fantasizing in general help, ie does boredom with same partner make it even more of an issue?

 

If you have tried Viagra or similar, and are in a long term relationship, has it worked well within the relationship, or does the boredom factor stay the same and it just exacerbates feelings of wanting someone else?

 

Does it feel like you'd be okay with it if not for the pressure to perform sexually, or are you actively frustrated by it and really miss being able to perform "at peak"?

 

My H finally brought this up after years of me feeling frustrated and unwanted and thinking I was the problem. He is able to get an erection, but not a really strong one, but usually does finish pretty quickly...I thought he was just bored with me or preferred masturbation but this is putting a new light on it for me, and interested in hearing of other's feelings about it...

 

Thanks

[luvstarved]

BTW I do realize that only my husband can tell me how he feels about it but I am trying to get some feedback from others to help me have a better idea of how to approach this conversation with him, as he gets ultra sensitive and defensive...

[giotto]

no reply... I suppose none of us men here on LS suffers from it...

[InternationalPlayboy]

Just soliciting feeback from people who have lived with this...it now seems this is an issue in my marriage and wondering what it feels like from a man's perspective...

 

Is it less desire, or just less ability to follow through on desire? Do the spontaneous woodies just stop, or does it mostly manifest itself when with a partner? Does masturbation work as well as ever, or is that more difficult, too? Does looking at porn or fantasizing in general help, ie does boredom with same partner make it even more of an issue?

 

If you have tried Viagra or similar, and are in a long term relationship, has it worked well within the relationship, or does the boredom factor stay the same and it just exacerbates feelings of wanting someone else?

 

Does it feel like you'd be okay with it if not for the pressure to perform sexually, or are you actively frustrated by it and really miss being able to perform "at peak"?

 

My H finally brought this up after years of me feeling frustrated and unwanted and thinking I was the problem. He is able to get an erection, but not a really strong one, but usually does finish pretty quickly...I thought he was just bored with me or preferred masturbation but this is putting a new light on it for me, and interested in hearing of other's feelings about it...

 

Thanks

 

I have wrestled with minor bouts of ED in the past. Here's what happens with me: I really, really, really wanna get laid and for some reason or another it doesn't work - one time. Okay...flash forward to the next time. I really, really, really, really wanna get laid but I also really really really really want him to work. So in my mind I start saying "You better work this time, you filthy bastard" over and over and over again. And I start thinking it too much and ta da: It doesn't work. It's a mental thing.

 

Pop a pill and boom everything is fine and I needn't worry about it for months or more.

 

Hope this helps and hope I wasn't being too silly, but that is pretty much exactly what happens in a nutshell. No pun intended.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I start thinking it too much and ta da: It doesn't work. It's a mental thing.

Agree 100%. I had occasional bouts from medication related to a cardiac issue and the feeling is similar to stepping on stage to give a speech when you really haven't prepared. It has nothing to do with boredom or attraction to your partner and everything to do with your own fear of not being able to perform. OP, not fun at all and I understand why, although not a productive sentiment, your partner gets defensive....

 

Mr. Lucky

[just_some_guy]

It has nothing to do with the desire for the partner. It is very frustrating for the man, that things are not working as he would like them to work. It is very hard to talk about, as a man with a problem, as there's a lot of fear and embarrassment.

 

Once it happens, the fear is in place that it will happen again, and the fear makes it happen again, so it feeds itself. Guys are goal and performance oriented. We generally feel pretty bad about ourselves if we don't "perform".

 

It feels awful, embarrassing, and life-destroying.

 

In my own case, my testosterone levels are down. I get usable erections, but any emotional or other distraction at all will knock them down. Condom use is very challenging. The distraction of putting one on and the reduced stimulation causes partial loss of the erection and of course, the condom won't stay on. Mornings are much better, as the natural T levels are much higher in the morning than the evening. Morning wood is usually good, often strongly so.

 

Considered a T supplement. Gels are the thing to go with today. Downsides are that it is expensive, insurance won't pay for it and it shuts down the body's own T production and has a lot of potential side effects. My T level is just barely above the number where it would be a medical necessity. I think it is probably better to let the body do its own hormonal thing. Doc agrees, says just to live with it, although he would prescribe the gel if I asked for it.

 

The little blue pill works great. It makes the erection work like it should. It doesn't make it hard all by itself. Some stimulation is needed. It goes down when it is over. On the downside, the pill needs to be taken 2 hours ahead of time. It also has some side effects that are unpleasant, like headaches, flush skin, and some other minor weirdness. They are also very expensive and not covered by insurance. Viagra is about $25 a pill. It is also about the only way I can be sure that condom use will be successful.

 

What really sucks is that I am not in a relationship. I'd like to be in a sexual relationship and work through this. I think that in the secure emotional environment of a close relationship that everything would work out fine, without the little blue pill. But getting started in a relationship where sex may come up spontaneously poses a significant challenge.

 

On the upside, a fellow with this problem will be very willing to give oral, at least in my case. Being naked and close feels really great too. Miss that a lot.

 

So there you go, in a very candid nutshell.

Edited November 17, 2010 by just_some_guy

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow that was fabulous Just Some Guy thanks - my ex has low testosterone levels but he was never willing to discuss this issue with me, so despite the medical facts, I just felt physically rejected by him. Even when I would tell him exactly that he would simply nod his head and either walk away or say nothing.

 

Our lack of physical activity is what brought me to LS in the first place. In fact despite a break up and make up early 2010 and a stay at a very romatic place while abroad in 2009, we hadn't had sex of any sort since July 2008 (his birthday). Yup I'm officially ready for the convent!

 

So here's a bizarre question - how does it feel physically? Is there a level of urgency? Frustration? Or is just nothing/gone, sort of like when the baby cries for a mother?

[just_some_guy]

Wow that was fabulous Just Some Guy thanks - my ex has low testosterone levels but he was never willing to discuss this issue with me, so despite the medical facts, I just felt physically rejected by him. Even when I would tell him exactly that he would simply nod his head and either walk away or say nothing.

 

Our lack of physical activity is what brought me to LS in the first place. In fact despite a break up and make up early 2010 and a stay at a very romatic place while abroad in 2009, we hadn't had sex of any sort since July 2008 (his birthday). Yup I'm officially ready for the convent!

 

So here's a bizarre question - how does it feel physically? Is there a level of urgency? Frustration? Or is just nothing/gone, sort of like when the baby cries for a mother?

 

 

Well, I don't know how HE feels. I can only tell you how I feel.

 

You'll have to talk with your man about how he feels. I would guess that he feels a lot of shame and disappointment with himself. If you tell him you feel physically rejected, he probably feels really terrible about that, like less of a man. It is probably very hard for him to talk about.

 

Physically? I don't follow your question. How does what feel physically?

[curiousnycgirl]

You'll have to talk with your man about how he feels. I would guess that he feels a lot of shame and disappointment with himself. If you tell him you feel physically rejected, he probably feels really terrible about that, like less of a man. It is probably very hard for him to talk about.

 

May have been hard for him to talk about - but the reality is he took it out on me. Now that we are really finally over my friends have told me they never understood why I let him treat me the way he did. A few who knew us the whole 6 years remember when it was good, but the ones who only knew us the past few years were stunned when they saw us together and heard how he demeaned me. He just made me feel worthless, unattractive and awful. It's amazing what I tried to do for love!

 

Physically? I don't follow your question. How does what feel physically?

 

I guess I'm asking does a man with ED just not get aroused at all? Does he get aroused in other ways? Is it like he is totaly aroused but the cork cannot pop? I don't mean to be belittling, I just don't know how to describe it.

[just_some_guy]

May have been hard for him to talk about - but the reality is he took it out on me. Now that we are really finally over my friends have told me they never understood why I let him treat me the way he did. A few who knew us the whole 6 years remember when it was good, but the ones who only knew us the past few years were stunned when they saw us together and heard how he demeaned me. He just made me feel worthless, unattractive and awful. It's amazing what I tried to do for love!

 

Sounds like quite a mess beyond ED going on there.

 

 

 

I guess I'm asking does a man with ED just not get aroused at all? Does he get aroused in other ways? Is it like he is totaly aroused but the cork cannot pop? I don't mean to be belittling, I just don't know how to describe it.

 

Excited, aroused, into it, like normal as always when it did work. Can't orgasm without the erection, at least I can't.

[curiousnycgirl]

Sounds like quite a mess beyond ED going on there.

 

Indeed there were - a lot of things going on in his life from 6 months after we met, right up until today. I just tried to be a supportive girlfriend throughout - at some point I forgot to be me.

 

 

Excited, aroused, into it, like normal as always when it did work. Can't orgasm without the erection, at least I can't.

 

So good, but then frustrated I would think - I would think most women know that feeling! Sort of like when a women is getting all into it - but then he finishes and is done before she is.

 

I never knew that - thank you so much for being so candid - very helpful and informative (assuming my take above is correct).

[luvstarved]

Well that is one of the things I am concerned about...this whole desire aspect. I cannot tell if there is real ED afoot or if it is just lack of desire for me personally. I know it is a sensitive subject but my H takes it to an extreme. He withdrew entirely from me sexually because I said our sex life had gotten a little routine in counseling. That's a bit much. When we finally tried to get back on track and we went to dinner and I asked him how he thought things were going that way (our first 4 or 5 attempts to "reconnect" failed, at this conversation we had had 2 awkward successes). I just wanted to know how he was feeling but his response was an angry "Oh, first you want to have sex and now that I'm doing it, you want to tell me I am doing it wrong", which was the furthest thing from my mind.

 

My point is, during the sexless time,he seemed to have plenty of interest in porn and other women (he did not cheat, but there were people I knew he was interested in), and masturbated almost daily...so I am reticent to go along with the Viagra idea...first of all, not feeling sure whether it is for his satisfaction or mine...second of all, not feeling sure whether it is a better thing to try rather than getting time alone and communicating openly about sex...third of all, fearing that if part of his "failure" is due to lack of interest in me, Viagra could just make the lusting after others worse, and could remove the "fear" of an affair for him.

 

He's never expressed his faithfulness as something that honors me and avoids hurting my feelings. He has always said that he wouldbe "afraid to" without explaining it, and also saying he would not "risk what he has" for it. Never that he "wouldn't do that to me".

 

To his side, he SWEARS he is interested in me, and it is true that even in the early phases he was "sexually simpler" than me. He's said that he feels pressure from me to perform to some standard, gocrazy, show mad lust, swing from chandeliers, etc which he is "not like that".

 

Right now we have other issues where he is just irritable all the frickin' time and starts arguments out of the blue seemingly just to start an argument. Almost everywhere we go together now he picks a fight beforehand so that the car ride is silent and uncomfortable. Later on, he acts like nothing happened and I am left feeling bewildered. The only thing I can try to do is not let this get to me, but it is hard to feel close and comfortable with someone who seems to think the worst of your intentions all the time (like today, he went off about our debt, which came from building an addition. All through the process, I told him I had no better idea than hewhat the final cost would be, and he was informed and had a vote in every step of the way. So this morning he gets all s**tty with me that it is all my fault, he never wouldhave done it, and I have completely screwed us financially. I made the point that these were co-decisions and it seemed to me that he loved to give me all the responsibility mainly so he could give me all the blame. So the whole day we didn't speak after that. )

 

Well that's off topic but guess bottom line is, I don't care about Viagra. I couldlive with some ED, it's the trust and intimacy that is missing...so I don't need marathon sex sessions. If I thought that it would help us sexually and that it would make sex better for him with me, then I would encourage him to do it. But, if it's just going to make him even more resentful of having to be faithful, and more inclined to daydream about others, than I'd rather not have it in my life.

[just_some_guy]

Holy cow. With all that pressure, I'd rather have ED.

[Feelin Frisky]

I've never had it. But officially it is lust the ability to get and sustain erections. It's not supposed to be a "desire" thing--a libido thing--or a "turn off" reaction to something that kills excitement. It's pretty much exclusively thought of as a physiological "blood flow" issue and not a psychological withdrawal of interest. I have had something called "anorgasmia" at one time or another which is having no problem with either having and sustaining erection or being into having sex--it's just having a difficult time getting the orgasm/ejaculation to happen. That might be the most frustrating of all because you can really work yourself to the point of extreme heart rate and feel almost there and it just doesn't happen and there's a drive to keep going beyond what is risky.

 

I think some guys probably croak from it--cocaine, methamphetamine and other recreational drugs can cause anorgasmia and the increased heart rate, blood pressure and so forth from the drugs coupled with that which comes with the extra effort to get that elusive nut can push some guys over the limit to heart attack or stroke. Even anorgasmia w/o the recreational drugs can be dangerous depending upon a man's health or if he has any undiscovered congenital heart defects or whatnot.

[carhill]

IME, during the arousal phase, one feels the typical indicators of arousal and one appears aroused, like with changes in breathing, heart rate, blood pressure and vasocongestion, except for the single failure of contemporaneous and full erection. There's no 'warm' feeling in the testicles; no movement in the scrotum as the testicles retract and the penis engorges, no feeling of 'pressure' in the genital region.

 

I had this issue periodically under conditions of extreme stress, IMO due to changes in brain chemistry, like the proper signals weren't making it to the proper parts. I would 'feel' aroused and horny but nothing would result. A more subtle difference occurred when I wouldn't become aroused and erect from 'thoughts, but did from direct stimulation, either by my exW or by masturbating. Normally, historically, only erotic thoughts are/were necessary for arousal. For other men, the issues may be physiological, where the signals are there, but the parts, mainly circulatory, aren't responding properly.

 

A doctor could likely explain it more thoroughly and accurately but those were my observations.