his attitude to friends infidelity

[NatoPMT]

Ive been seeing someone for 3 months, its absolutely fantastic and hes given me no reason to be worried about his intentions, commitment, whatever. We get along extremely well, hes clever, funny, optimistic, positive, gorgeous, but as this is early days, i dont know yet if hes other things i am looking for, ie supportive, loyal etc, but he seems to be without putting that to the test, hes certainly pretty well balanced and hes said hes kept his own insecurities under control and dealt withthem himself

 

hes 23, i am 32, i may be looking for more than he is so i asked him where he saw us going a few weeks ago and he says he sees us as long term and i have no reason to doubt him - although i dont know if there are differing ideas of what 'long term' means as yet. he told me this weekend that after holding back as he wasnt sure how i felt and not understanding what i see in him - he is now sure that hes falling in love with me. we are talking about travelling together for a year next year but so far we have agreed its too early to say if we are 'the ones'. everything has been going at a steady healthy pace and this has all happened in the last 2 weeks after things have been building, including trust and friendship. hes absolutely lovely, but there are still getting-to-know-you barriers there and we are still on best behaviour.

 

i now feel uneasy about things because of a conversation we had on friday night. we were discussing his friend who is 23, and been in a relationship for a year, his friend is having affairs and i didnt think it was right as his gf doesnt know about it. he said he didnt see anything wrong with what his friend was doing, hes young and hes enjoying himself. he said that its not something hed do - but its thrown up some warning alerts for me. of course hed say he wouldnt do it.

 

on sunday, we went for a meal and he mentioned a study thats been conducted where a woman asks 100 men for sex in a nightclub and how many agree compared to how many women agree. he says that mens primary objective in meeting someone is sex, and this is just the way men are. he said its usually women that dictate whether a man gets lucky as its the women that are more discerning than men

 

the conversation about his friend was completely unrelated, but those 2 conversations together have made me concerned. i am going to speak to him when an appropriate time comes up and ask him to clarify a few things for me. I would be interested to hear opinions on how to tackle this conversation, i want to clarify if he was offered no strings sex would he take the opportunity?

 

i now feel a bit vunerable, we are talking about love and about infidelity not being wrong in the same breath. he said after the conversation about his friend 'youre being a bit judgemental tonight Luce, not like you' so i am hoping that hes just being supportive of his friend and being open-minded. does this wash? how should i handle the conversation that i think i now need to have with him? i usually quite insecure, but i have been so confident and laid back since my nasty break up last year, but this has thrown me a bit.

 

thanks in advance

[moimeme]

I'll issue my standard caution; the first three months are the best, headiest, most wonderful. Seems a lot of people start thinking 'love' within that time. You think you know each other perfectly well enough to make those decisions. You don't.

 

3-6 months - not always, but usually when the 'shine' starts to wear off. You find some worrisome traits (like this one). You'll find more. The wonder of this human starts to wear a bit and you start wondering whether this is really 'the one'.

 

6 months - 18 months - if you're having sex, the oxytocin should be wearing off around now and the 'fog' of love will be clearing enough for you to make reasoned decisons - including whether this is 'the one' or not. You can start living together now, but do not agree to marry until you've lived 24/7 in the same place. Then, any remaining hidden issues will appear if there are any. I know a couple who dated 18 months. They moved in together and then she saw how much he actually drank.

 

Tell the part of your brain that REALLY wants this guy to be 'the one' that it doesn't know enough to make that decision and it will just have to wait. You'll both be happier (you and your brain, that is).

[NatoPMT]

i know i know, and my brain and i arent talking at the moment.

 

id like to try to tackle this in a way that i get the answers i need to be able to mak ethe right decisions. we really have been taking it pretty slow, i know we dont know each other very well, we've seen each other lots but have just been enjoying ourselves and now i feel is the time to start weedling out those unsavoury traits & opinions so i can make the decision whether to take it further.

 

this sounds to me like it may be one of those things i either decide to accept him for or close the door on it. i just am not sure how to handle this to get the truth as i dont want to start being paranoid and holding things back. hes specifically told me he doesnt want to play games so am trusting that i can get a straight answer, i just havent asked the questions yet.

[moimeme]

i know i know, and my brain and i arent talking at the moment.

 

 

Been there, done that!

[spencer]

just my point of view. i could be wrong.

 

 

Most likely he just read this infidelity study and said

"wow, I have something really interesting to say"

and shared it with you to stimulate intellectual conversation.

ha ha ha ha

a typical guy would never think that you were reading into this.

we should really stop doing this.

 

as far as his friend goes. he probably realizes that his friend is too immature for a relationship and chooses not to interfere with his life choices. some need to learn the hard way.

not a bad idea.

 

anyway, please try to judge the relationship based on how he treats you. not necessarily by the stupid things that come out of his mouth.

 

to solve your curiosity, just ask him if he feels infidelity is ok in a relationship.

dont dwell over it until you have an answer.

[jenny]

i think it is possible that he just found the study interesting (i hope you asked him to carefully cite his sources and their methodology!) and was protecting his buddy. i know guys who would never criticize a mate publicly, but would also never behave in a similar way. i understand that myself. it's one thing to look at your friend as a cautionary tale against sleeping about, it's a totally different thing to rip into her to amuse and warn one's boyfriend. i would never do the latter.

 

all that said, talk it through with him, as suggested above. see if this is a source of possible real incompatibility.

[BBelm]

oh well DONE girls - i woke up this morning after having bad dreams about this - but went online and had a shufty before i came into work and you have agreed with the more sensible logical section of my brain (the bit thats in the minority) and its lifted my mood quite considerably.

 

i am a bit annoyed at myself that i need others to clarify what i should already know

 

if i judge the relationship on how he actually behaves and treats me i should be on cloud nine - its uneccessary sabotage. the key comment is what spencer said

about him not realising this has been read into. yes. we really should stop doing this.

 

will have a think about it this week and have a few days on my own so i dont dump my insecurities on him, and i have things straight before i go demanding answers to something hes prob not even given a 2nd thought to. i think i had a wobble because the i-love-you thing is so huge - it the same with any relationship, you have absolutely no guarantees so just because theres an age gap doesnt mean there's any difference to this lack of guarantee to any other lack of guarantee.

 

its only a source of incompatibility if he believes its ok for him to do it. if he believes its ok for his friends to do it, that shouldnt cause an issue with me, thats just ridiculous. its just me taking his opinions out of context. and now my logical grown up brain part is working i see that he doesnt, and hes made it clear that he wont do that and that he doesnt want me to either.

 

thanks so much - you really have helped. oh you are a sensible lot. xx

[befuddled11]

I think this statement of his really sums up where his true mindset is:

 

"he said he didnt see anything wrong with what his friend was doing, hes young and hes enjoying himself."

 

I think your age difference is quite significant......in the fact that at 23, he's still finding himself, he's still very much influenced by friends, still very much into "having fun" and likely nowhere on the same wavelength as you, in terms of settling down or wanting a serious, long-term relationship. If you were both the same age (you around 23), at least you would grow and change and learn together...but I think you're at a totally different place. I hate to make a generalization, but guys that age are about sex, and they're very influenced by their "boys".....and there's nothing wrong with that, that's just where a young guy is at that stage of his life. He's likely had very little, if no relationship experience..and what he may consider a serious relationship or 'long term', might very well be different than what you consider it to be.

 

I find it very hard to believe that he could justify his friend's infidelity, so openly, yet in the same breath say HE would never do that. It doesn't fit. Of course he's only saying that to you because he's hardly going to admit to you, "I'd cheat too."

 

I say by being with him, you're only setting yourself up for heartache down the road..not because he'd intend to hurt you, but because he's still got a lot of figuring himself out......

[BBelm]

possibly, but isnt this the chance you take with any relationship? i'm a kind of fly by the seat of my pants girl anyway - and hes a lot more focussed and driven than i am - thats why our attitudes although differing so far have been compatible/complimentary.

 

hes had a 2 year relationship before me that he didnt want to finish - i dont know about others as i havent asked.

 

i have decided to have the long term objectives conversation at 6 months or so - whenever it feels right. i do know i have to decide at some point what i want from this, but i am not sure i want children anyway, i am concerned that if my bockclock blows unexpectedly we'll be mistimed, but it hasnt and i would rather be with someone in the meantime who i enjoy being with, and right now hes such delightful company that he wins hands down over the thought that there may be someone else out there that wants to marry me when i dont even know if thats what i want anyway.

 

a few of his other friends are married - and i know his friends are very important to him, quite right too, mine are exceptionally important to me. The friend whos having affairs is actually not really that much of a friend, hes not his close friend like the ones who are married - hes not of the same mindset and doesnt spend any time with him out of the pub. i have only just thought of that actually.

 

its also me thats going travelling for a year in january, me thats keeping things light at the moment for this purpose exactly. just in case.

 

the age difference is significant, but its not unusual. certainly isnt when its the man whos 9 years older. my last bf proposed to me when he was early 20's, the one before that was 19 when we got together 8 years ago, hed proposed within a year - i dont see any difference here - if we are right together, it will work out. it may need to be more right than two 29 year olds together, but if its right it'll work out.

 

your point about him not admitting to infidelity etc was my original point too, but actually, having thought this through, if he is unfaithful, then i will deal with it at that stage, anyone can be unfaithful - but looking at the reasons for infidelity - he doesnt have any reason to be other than hes young and enjoying himself, and thats not HIS style, its his friends.

 

i understand where you are coming from as i have been down this route too, hence my post, but i think i could worry about every eventuality but am not going to create a self-fulfiling prophecy. i have to be aware that this could happen, but i am not going to be too over-cautious about it, and if i get my heart broken, it'll do me some good. i learned a lot from it last time - and i decided i will not be scared of being hurt again, and i was being scared because being in love left me vunerable to this thinking - this is exactly what i promised myself i wouldnt do again.

 

am very interested to hear your opinions, whether you think stick with it or go slow/dump him, its valuable help for me - thats what talking's all about - organising your thoughts and realising how you really feel. and i feel that this is worth it.

[BBelm]

Saw him last night and had a really lovely night. Having thought more about this, i remembered 2 incidents on saturday where he did the same thing and supported 2 people who were clearly doing something wrong. one incident was his friend who was saying another mutual friend had made a pass at his girlfriend, and john tried to smooth things over and made excuses for him, the other was his friends ex wife who left the house without saying goodbye to john, her husband was p*ssed off and said john was the host and it was exceptionally rude of her to leave, john said it wasnt her fault, she was a foreign national and it must be hard for her. hes just the eternal diplomat as well as idealist.

 

he hates seeing anything wrong in anyone, seeing people unhappy with others and tries to reason from the other persons perspective.

 

i am sure i have no reason to worry now, in fact, its made me think all the better of him.

 

re: the age gap - will just have to wait and see.

 

thanks for your comments x