He got me a ring...

[sc58]

Hi everyone,

 

Just an update. Last week was such a roller coaster and my emotions were all over the place. Turns out, as a few people suggested, that his W did NOT move out. But since she did not, HE did - but only for the weekends, when his son is not there (he stays with his mom - not MM's W - on the weekends). Also, they are no longer going on that marriage workshop/ retreat thingy.

 

We spent a really nice weekend together and he got me a promise ring...He says that it means he promises that we will be together someday and that he's going to take care of what he needs to in order to make that happen. He suggested that we not see each other until he files for divorce so that he doesn't have to put me through the kind of hurt and emotional roller coaster I went through last week. I doubt that'll work considering our track record of going NC.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think about him getting me a "promise ring" and the new situation...

[maravilla]

Wow, ok, since you asked for our thoughts. I think it is so messed up of him to give you a ring and then suggest going NC. Those represent two totally different things! Honestly I think he's just trying to keep you on the hook, so that he is free to go and focus on himself and his issues but you are supposed to be there waiting for him.

 

I don't like that he did that one bit. Why not just get you a pair of earrings and tell you to think of him when you wear them? A promise ring... wow, he'd really better fulfill those promises and quick or I would turn one 'hell knows no fury like a scorned woman' kind of woman on him!!!

[Mimolicious]

Hi everyone,

 

Just an update. Last week was such a roller coaster and my emotions were all over the place. Turns out, as a few people suggested, that his W did NOT move out. But since she did not, HE did - but only for the weekends, when his son is not there (he stays with his mom - not MM's W - on the weekends). Also, they are no longer going on that marriage workshop/ retreat thingy.

 

We spent a really nice weekend together and he got me a promise ring...He says that it means he promises that we will be together someday and that he's going to take care of what he needs to in order to make that happen. He suggested that we not see each other until he files for divorce so that he doesn't have to put me through the kind of hurt and emotional roller coaster I went through last week. I doubt that'll work considering our track record of going NC.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think about him getting me a "promise ring" and the new situation...

 

Does it really matter what we think? Seems like you are totally fine with being someone's weekend thang and believing embellished empty promises. Is it me or does it sound like this dude is a serious nutjob?! Someone that his stories and circumstances change with such a wave, sounds like someone that has mental issues. Check his cabinet, see if there are meds for some sort of dissorder. Oh wait, check his weekend bag...

 

So sad that people settle for these types of relationships just for the thrill of a "feeling". You may be wasting valuable time of your life with someone that from the looks of it may not be in your future. Seriously.

[jthorne]

Sorry, I find anything less than an engagement ring and the prerequisite D papers insulting.

 

Ok, so I just did the Google Shopping search for Promise Rings. Looks like the average price is around $59-$99. It'd take a lot more than that to buy my love/patience/NC/whatever.

 

Now, if it was this ring, I might consider it IF he had completely moved out and seen a lawyer, but... nah.

Edited November 15, 2010 by jthorne

[Fieldsofgold]

Trying to be objective here.

 

It could mean exactly what he says.

 

My gut/intuition tells me it doesn't.

 

My instincts tell me this is his twisted idea of giving you a "nice, kind" heave-ho, while still keeping his options open with you, should he ever want to come back to you for another dabble.

 

I also think it's very ego-massaging for him, to think that somewhere there is a woman in love with him, who's treasuring his cheap token, waiting, and pining away for him. Leave 'em waiting and yearning. It really seems like an especially cruel thing to do to you. Build you up with the ring and the promises, and then tell you to go no contact. How whacked is that!!!???!!!

 

That's my honest thoughts.

 

I'd think it would be wise for you to definitely go with the NC until his divorce is final - and then you'd know. But I would not think it wise to sit and wait, unless you enjoy solitude, with an occasional "interlude" thrown in.

 

I'm sorry. I really wish I could say hurrah. But I really don't think it's a good thing. Please take care, and keep posting. We do care about you.

[sc58]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt.

 

When my sister gets here, I actually can't see him anyways, so we will be LC during that time. She's here on vacation and will literally be attached to my hip the whole time she's here. I would love for them to meet, but she thinks I'm single and I highly doubt she would approve. Not because of his marital status (which I would NOT tell her about) but because he's 18 years older with two kids.

 

I realize that a promise ring is not the same as divorce papers, but I honestly feel that he's sincere in his words. I know that he can change his mind at anytime, but he says that won't happen, that he's just waiting for her to accept that they're going to get a divorce so that it will go more smoothly. Apparently things with his first child did not go very well and they were always in court and they weren't even married. He says he does not want it to be that way this time, which I understand but after coming here, wonder if it's just an excuse...

[jwi71]

Hi everyone,

 

Just an update. Last week was such a roller coaster and my emotions were all over the place. Turns out, as a few people suggested, that his W did NOT move out. But since she did not, HE did - but only for the weekends, when his son is not there (he stays with his mom - not MM's W - on the weekends). Also, they are no longer going on that marriage workshop/ retreat thingy.

 

We spent a really nice weekend together and he got me a promise ring...He says that it means he promises that we will be together someday and that he's going to take care of what he needs to in order to make that happen. He suggested that we not see each other until he files for divorce so that he doesn't have to put me through the kind of hurt and emotional roller coaster I went through last week. I doubt that'll work considering our track record of going NC.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think about him getting me a "promise ring" and the new situation...

 

Are you happy now?

 

He moved out forever, he filed for D and bought you an engagement ring.

I guess this means you will spend the holidays with him and his family and all. You can meet his son...he can meet your friends.

 

Congratulations. We now have THREE success stories on LS.

 

I so often post that the OP will end up hurt. That "her MM" is only lying and stringing her along with half-truths and lies yet never really chooses her, the OW. And I was wrong. Clearly.

 

Because here...this man, proved me wrong. He ACTED. He bought you a PROMISE ring.

Wait.

WTF?

A promise ring? WTF is a promise ring?

Don't most people call that an ENGAGEMENT ring? Some bold people even call it a WEDDING ring. What did he call it again? Oh yeah...promise. Are we back in high school or something?

 

He moved out...for the weekends? Well, you get the the weekends with him is one way of looking at it. The other being he spends Mon-Fri with the horrible, no good, very bad W (that he can't manage to D). Oh right. Its for the son. The one who GREW UP shuffling between homes so its TOTALLY NORMAL for him. The same son who ALREADY KNOWS his D wants to D his step-mom and hasn't crumbled into a pitiful mass of tears.

 

Maybe its a money thing. He might have to pay her alimony. Would he? What did the lawyer he hired say about that? Of course, you can Google for it and get a GREAT idea of how that will play out.

 

And why all this and THEN suggest NC.

 

More wtf.

 

What are YOUR thoughts on this?

[4321sn]

The whole ring thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He's basically saying I can't talk to you during this time but wait for me, I'll be back someday.

 

My MM thought that NC would be best for both of us. He did not tell me to wait. He told me to take care of myself. Get things in order on my end-focus on myself without the daily tears. He said that he will leave and he hopes that I will be there when he's done.

 

Anyway...all that went out the window but you know what I mean...

 

I mean it's easy for us to say that giving you the ring was wrong or that he was being selfish but YOU know him. What do you think? How do you feel about what he said and did?

[4321sn]

Okay...this makes a difference...

"Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt."

 

thanks for clearing that up...

Idk what do you think? He didn't go on the weekend...that says something...

[Fieldsofgold]

Okay...this makes a difference...

"Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt."

 

thanks for clearing that up...

Idk what do you think? He didn't go on the weekend...that says something...

 

I think when they up the ante of their inconsistent behavior, they also up the ante on the things they will do/say to keep stringing you along. MHO.

[BB07]

Hate to be so cynical but I used to believe the words out my xmm mouth (who I though was separated) too. Sorry to say that I found out that almost everything out of his mouth was nothing but smokescreen and BS!

 

One particular sentence comes to mind....."be patient just a little bit longer". :rolleyes::rolleyes: While he pretended to be doing the things that he needed to do in order to get the separation/divorce finalized. Pretended is the key word here.

 

Be careful!

[whichwayisup]

A promise ring means nothing. Sorry, but his wife has a WEDDING RING and look where that got her!

 

You're letting this guy manipulate you, letting your emotions and heart rule over gut instinct and reality.

 

I hope soon you see this for yourself and end it. He says one thing one day, then something else the next.

[Fieldsofgold]

A promise ring means nothing. Sorry, but his wife has a WEDDING RING and look where that got her!

 

You're letting this guy manipulate you, letting your emotions and heart rule over gut instinct and reality.

 

I hope soon you see this for yourself and end it. He says one thing one day, then something else the next.

 

Well said!

[maravilla]

Wow, you're in really deep, I totally recognize myself in your posts.

 

I put my responses to what you wrote underneath each part, bolded.

 

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt.

 

My xMM said the same thing to me, and you know what it was, just another tactic, to get me to think he was being unselfish and caring. Really he recognized I am at the end of my rope and he might as well see what he can do to hang on a little longer, even if it means not talking to me for awhile.

 

When my sister gets here, I actually can't see him anyways, so we will be LC during that time. She's here on vacation and will literally be attached to my hip the whole time she's here. I would love for them to meet, but she thinks I'm single and I highly doubt she would approve. Not because of his marital status (which I would NOT tell her about) but because he's 18 years older with two kids.

 

Ummm red flag. You should not be doing anything your own sister wouldn't approve of. I've read some posts of yours where you say something along the lines of you don't know if you'd even want to be with MM in real life because no one would approve due to his age and his kids... well then why are you in this secret relationship with him? (I think those posts were by you and if not, sorry. But still this part about your sister speaks volumes). You should be proud of who you love and, think about it, if you really believed in him and in your relationship deep down, you would tell your own sister. I told my sister, my good friends, anyone who wouldn't judge me and that I didn't think would feel uncomfortable with my position and as long as there was no chance they would tell his wife or other people that would tell his wife. So I really think you should think about what it means that you are too... something?... ashamed, uncomfortable, embarrassed, admittedly not about the fact that he's married but about the fact that he's 18 years old than you and has two kids... to tell someone this important to you. Maybe this is just a fantasy relationship and you're into the drama and push and pull but you know it would never work out in real life? If that's true then why would you want him to get divorced? Maybe part of you doesn't? This is just some food for thought.

 

 

I realize that a promise ring is not the same as divorce papers, but I honestly feel that he's sincere in his words. I know that he can change his mind at anytime, but he says that won't happen, that he's just waiting for her to accept that they're going to get a divorce so that it will go more smoothly. Apparently things with his first child did not go very well and they were always in court and they weren't even married. He says he does not want it to be that way this time, which I understand but after coming here, wonder if it's just an excuse...

 

Yes, it's all excuses. And you're buying them. I've BTDT and it only drags out longer and longer. Don't waste your life on him is all I have to say. Good luck.

[maravilla]

I think when they up the ante of their inconsistent behavior, they also up the ante on the things they will do/say to keep stringing you along. MHO.

 

This is so very true! At the end xMm was agreeing to NC one day, then claiming he was getting divorced right after Thanksgiving (after previously telling me it was going to be before the holidays including Thanksgiving), then telling me he had to make sure the kids were going to be okay with divorce (in other words, when cows fly), then asking me for marital advice (?), then asking me for divorce advice... it was crazy. Way too much back and forth. Although, I must say that a promise ring takes the cake. I'm really not trying to making fun of your situation OP but it makes absolutely no sense to me that he would give you a promise ring and then even suggest NC. How dare he give you a promise ring when he can't even give you a set date or concrete actions to back up his so-called 'promise'? Ahhhh these guys are insane.

[always_waitings]

Im with jthorne, wait for the tiffany's ring and divorce paperwork to go with it....

[siuys]

Stay EXTREMELY skeptical. Ring doesn't mean **** without actions backing it up. Sorry...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think about him getting me a "promise ring" and the new situation...

 

Considering what his wedding ring meant to him, I wouldn't put too much stock in a 'promise ring'. I'd give it back and let him know that when he is 100% divorced and free to do so, then he can make you a promise.

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt.

 

When my sister gets here, I actually can't see him anyways, so we will be LC during that time. She's here on vacation and will literally be attached to my hip the whole time she's here. I would love for them to meet, but she thinks I'm single and I highly doubt she would approve. Not because of his marital status (which I would NOT tell her about) but because he's 18 years older with two kids.

 

I realize that a promise ring is not the same as divorce papers, but I honestly feel that he's sincere in his words. I know that he can change his mind at anytime, but he says that won't happen, that he's just waiting for her to accept that they're going to get a divorce so that it will go more smoothly. Apparently things with his first child did not go very well and they were always in court and they weren't even married. He says he does not want it to be that way this time, which I understand but after coming here, wonder if it's just an excuse...

 

There's your answer: "I honestly feel that he's sincere in his words." Go with your gut feeling. You know him. You love him. You trust him. Your knowledge of him vastly outdoes anyone's knowledge on LS.

[MorningCoffee]

I think when they up the ante of their inconsistent behavior, they also up the ante on the things they will do/say to keep stringing you along. MHO.

 

I agree. On more than one occasion when I'd get closer to breaking things off, ex-AP/MW found some way to amp it up, which I'd interpret it as her getting closer to becoming independent and available for a real R. But then she'd share or do something else usually to do with her M that would be totally inconsistent, and I'd go spinning . . . Silly me.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with everyone else who thinks this guy is a manipulative liar!

 

Come on, a promise ring? Since you are saying he is 18 years older then you, I'm assuming he is older then 16.

 

I think the most important thing is what this man is doing to your relationship with your sister. Do you REALLY think you would not go running to MM if he came "a'callin" while your sister is in town? You would make some lame excuse up (like you have to run to the store) and you would be in bed with him in 10 mins. You are like a drug addict, he is the drug, and he keeps feeding you his b.s. to keep you around.

 

The "ring" doesn't mean crap, he doesn't give a damn about his wedding ring and he probably paid a lot more for it!!

[Lauriebell82]

What do you think?

 

I was ecstatic when my MM gave me my engagement ring. And he didn't have divorce papers. Funny, at that point they hadn't separated yet, but were planning to. And the separation happened a month later.

 

 

And he's my H now.

 

If you're happy with it, then forget what all the haters here say. Live your life the way you see fit.

 

All this wait for the D papers, really? Would you leave the one you love when he needs you most? That's great partner material.

 

The reason you get all the go NC and stay out of it until he's divorced is so that the BS gets a chance to reconcile, telling themselves their spouse was in a fog and casting you in the lead as villain.

 

As you can see, no one here is going to say search your heart and make the best choice with the information available. Most of them have been betrayed and you trigger those feelings in them again. And they like to think it's good vs. evil and all that crap.

 

I guess if you're for real anyway, a couple of strangers on the internet aren't going to suddenly change your mind. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

 

And by the way, what's it look like?

 

GEL

 

A promise ring and an engagement ring are NOT the same thing. And your H gave you an engagement ring when he was still married to someone else?

 

It's great that the situation worked out for you, but the OP might not be so lucky. You are basically telling her that it's okay to have an A and to not give a damn about who gets hurt in the process..and base a marriage on that?

 

Hmm.

[fooled once]

Wow, ok, since you asked for our thoughts. I think it is so messed up of him to give you a ring and then suggest going NC. Those represent two totally different things! Honestly I think he's just trying to keep you on the hook, so that he is free to go and focus on himself and his issues but you are supposed to be there waiting for him.

 

I don't like that he did that one bit. Why not just get you a pair of earrings and tell you to think of him when you wear them? A promise ring... wow, he'd really better fulfill those promises and quick or I would turn one 'hell knows no fury like a scorned woman' kind of woman on him!!!

 

Ditto

 

Does it really matter what we think? Seems like you are totally fine with being someone's weekend thang and believing embellished empty promises. Is it me or does it sound like this dude is a serious nutjob?! Someone that his stories and circumstances change with such a wave, sounds like someone that has mental issues. Check his cabinet, see if there are meds for some sort of dissorder. Oh wait, check his weekend bag...

 

So sad that people settle for these types of relationships just for the thrill of a "feeling". You may be wasting valuable time of your life with someone that from the looks of it may not be in your future. Seriously.

 

REALLY DITTO!!!!

 

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I should make it clear that he did not say he wants to go NC (and we actually decided not to). He SUGGESTED that to me and said if it would make it easier on me because of the roller coaster I went through last week, he could do that for me. He says that's not what he wants, he would like to continue seeing me, but he knows that I've been through a lot and doesn't want to see me hurt.

 

When my sister gets here, I actually can't see him anyways, so we will be LC during that time. She's here on vacation and will literally be attached to my hip the whole time she's here. I would love for them to meet, but she thinks I'm single and I highly doubt she would approve. Not because of his marital status (which I would NOT tell her about) but because he's 18 years older with two kids.

 

I realize that a promise ring is not the same as divorce papers, but I honestly feel that he's sincere in his words. I know that he can change his mind at anytime, but he says that won't happen, that he's just waiting for her to accept that they're going to get a divorce so that it will go more smoothly. Apparently things with his first child did not go very well and they were always in court and they weren't even married. He says he does not want it to be that way this time, which I understand but after coming here, wonder if it's just an excuse...

 

So his wife didn't move out like he said?

And he says he isn't going on the weekend marriage retreat? What about that deposit that he didn't want to lose?

 

A promise ring means nothing. Sorry, but his wife has a WEDDING RING and look where that got her!

 

You're letting this guy manipulate you, letting your emotions and heart rule over gut instinct and reality.

 

I hope soon you see this for yourself and end it. He says one thing one day, then something else the next.

 

REALLY REALLY ditto.

 

Sorry, but I agree with the skeevy-ness of a "promise ring" when the guy IS MARRIED AND LIVING AT HOME playing "happy family".

 

Especially since he already discussed divorce allegedly with his son. NOW he is going to play happy family man 'for his son'.

 

What happened to him taking his son to see this place he was going to rent, LONG term? Guess that is all bagged now too? And still not acknowledgment of when he is going to file for divorce? Oh that's right, he has to wait until after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas! And you are okay with being the hidden secret still? So when will be the magic time that you can be a PUBLIC couple and actually TELL people, like your sister, that you are seeing a married guy? Maybe after Christmas? After New Years?

 

Guess that promise ring is going to have to keep you company while he plays happy family guy.

 

I am curious though - why does his son spend the weekend at his grandma's? What is that about? Why isn't dad spending that time with his son?

[maravilla]

What do you think?

 

I was ecstatic when my MM gave me my engagement ring. And he didn't have divorce papers. Funny, at that point they hadn't separated yet, but were planning to. And the separation happened a month later.

 

And he's my H now.

 

If you're happy with it, then forget what all the haters here say. Live your life the way you see fit.

 

All this wait for the D papers, really? Would you leave the one you love when he needs you most? That's great partner material.

 

The reason you get all the go NC and stay out of it until he's divorced is so that the BS gets a chance to reconcile, telling themselves their spouse was in a fog and casting you in the lead as villain.

 

As you can see, no one here is going to say search your heart and make the best choice with the information available. Most of them have been betrayed and you trigger those feelings in them again. And they like to think it's good vs. evil and all that crap.

 

I guess if you're for real anyway, a couple of strangers on the internet aren't going to suddenly change your mind. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

 

And by the way, what's it look like?

 

GEL

 

Never mind...

Edited November 16, 2010 by maravilla

[maravilla]

I don't want to say anything that comes across as mean but I just want to point out in response to the last post that almost none of the people posting in your thread sc have been BSs and none of them bitter. I don't hear haters, and I am not a hater, I just hear people who 'care' about you insofar as we can care about someone on the Internet and who want to help.

 

I am giving you my honest advice out of concern, not hate or bitterness or whatever, and I stand by it and wish you the best.