He got me a ring...

[pureinheart]

It appears that you become hypersensitive when anyone tries to challenge the fact that you are seeing a MM or indicate that it is wrong in some way....

 

Honey, you have to have very thick skin to be an unapologetic OW on Loveshack. If you are hypersensitive, you are not going to stay here.

 

You get defensive everytime someone tries to challenge the fact that you are having an A and that it may be wrong. I am not trying to put you down, I get defensive as well. I think OW (in general, not just you) need to accept the fact that there ARE going to people out there who disagree with infidelity and do not support OW's actions.

 

Hi LB,

 

I thought about what you said in these two replies/post to Jennie.

 

IMO it is less to do with being defensive and more to do with others who are unable to handle her sitch. I have seen many attempts to "change" Jennie of her (thank you OWoman) evil OW ways.

 

I think Jennies sitch creates the hypersensitivity you are seeing, coupled with fear in those that have tried to change her. Sometimes people fear what they can't change and don't understand.

 

I sincerely believe the hypersensitivity and defensiveness you are seeing is just debating in progress. Unless you follow the NC and I hate the AP agenda, you are not going to be well liked and will face many "dogpile" situations in which some of the things that are said and attitudes are really mean, judgemental and just plain rude.

[BB07]

Hi LB,

Unless you follow the NC and I hate the AP agenda, you are not going to be well liked and will face many "dogpile" situations in which some of the things that are said and attitudes are really mean, judgemental and just plain rude.

 

Sigh.......... come on pure, really now???

 

"the NC and hate the AP agenda" Oh good grief, surely most of us are a lot more evolved than that and we come here with our own experiences good and bad and yes I post with MY perspective. I don't preach NC and I don't hate the AP, I just know that when women and a lot of them are young come here and they are in pain and torn up about what to do, they need help. Yes they have doubts or they likely wouldn't be here if things were good, so.......if they show interest in ending it, I support that. If they have doubts, then they come here for insight.

 

In closing I'd like to say that those that come here are still going to do what they are going to do regardless of what is said to them. I don't think anyone here has enough power to "make" someone do something they don't want to do.

 

I hate these labels........I really do.

I'm just me and yes I'm got my opinion and my experiences and sometimes I am outspoken about them..........but well aren't we all?

[bentnotbroken]

Sigh.......... come on pure, really now???

 

"the NC and hate the AP agenda" Oh good grief, surely most of us are a lot more evolved than that and we come here with our own experiences good and bad and yes I post with MY perspective. I don't preach NC and I don't hate the AP, I just know that when women and a lot of them are young come here and they are in pain and torn up about what to do, they need help. Yes they have doubts or they likely wouldn't be here if things were good, so.......if they show interest in ending it, I support that. If they have doubts, then they come here for insight.

 

In closing I'd like to say that those that come here are still going to do what they are going to do regardless of what is said to them. I don't think anyone here has enough power to "make" someone do something they don't want to do.

 

I hate these labels........I really do.

I'm just me and yes I'm got my opinion and my experiences and sometimes I am outspoken about them..........but well aren't we all?

 

 

You know if you don't agree it is = to hate for some people. My momma didn't raise a person who can't separate the two. The projection on this board is amazing isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

I am aware that there is still a possibility he could do a 180 and change his mind on me, but for now, I'm being cautiously optimistic.

 

Then be a friend. Stop the sex stuff until he divorced. Focus on you and your life, don't make your life all about him, until he is free and available.

[pureinheart]

Sigh.......... come on pure, really now???

 

"the NC and hate the AP agenda" Oh good grief, surely most of us are a lot more evolved than that and we come here with our own experiences good and bad and yes I post with MY perspective. I don't preach NC and I don't hate the AP, I just know that when women and a lot of them are young come here and they are in pain and torn up about what to do, they need help. Yes they have doubts or they likely wouldn't be here if things were good, so.......if they show interest in ending it, I support that. If they have doubts, then they come here for insight.

 

In closing I'd like to say that those that come here are still going to do what they are going to do regardless of what is said to them. I don't think anyone here has enough power to "make" someone do something they don't want to do.

 

I hate these labels........I really do.

I'm just me and yes I'm got my opinion and my experiences and sometimes I am outspoken about them..........but well aren't we all?

 

Yes, really now...interesting, I wasn't even referring to you. It is unfortunate that some have not evolved from this state and still are very much where they started.

 

SB, like you, I had to play the entire sitch through. When exDM was separated, I had to "see" what would happen. I wish you the best of luck SB.

[sc58]

Agree.

 

Sounds like you are ashamed of your behavior - actively pursuing a MM.

 

You didn't answer my question though about his daughter. All this talk about his son, but what about his daughter?

 

Please also remember, these alleged conversations with his wife...are just that .... alleged. You have no proof he did talk to her and I actually would be very wary of them doing all this talking AT the holidays (about spending them apart). Doesn't sound like his wife is accepting of anything because I firmly believe any spouse who is told her H is sleeping with someone young enough to be his daughter would kick him to the CURB faster than his head could spin. ESPECIALLY at the holidays. Women do have pride -- and if he has told her he is hell bent on being with you, then I am betting she would have packed his bags for him. Then again, he won't tell you that he begged her to let him stay and work on things. (NOT that this happened, but it could easily have happened).

 

Think about it from his angle, he is going to have to confess to family, friends, co-workers, etc that he was cheating on his 2nd wife with a woman who could be his daughter. While he might like to imagine himself strutting around with you on his arm, in reality, he knows he is going to be the talk of his office and among his social circle. How good is that going to look to everyone that he not only broke his wife's trust and betrayed her, but he split during the holidays.

 

Hopefully, the wife gets a bull dog of a lawyer and takes the other half that his first ex wife didn't take. Nothing worse than a pissed off betrayed wife. Was his 2nd wife the OW in his first marriage?

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Again, I think you may have my story confused...His W does NOT know about me AT ALL, and we are hoping to keep it that way. I don't understand why he would have to tell anyone...They were having problems before I even met him, so why would he have to tell people that he had an affair?

 

And his current W is his first wife. He did not marry the mother of his son. She was only 19 at the time and it was not a planned pregnancy. I looked back at your previous posts, but could not find a question about his daughter? Someone else asked how old she is, and she is almost 2.

[sc58]

Then be a friend. Stop the sex stuff until he divorced. Focus on you and your life, don't make your life all about him, until he is free and available.

 

I'm not sure why everyone is assuming my life revolves around this guy. It doesn't. I still hang out with my friends, I still volunteer on the weekends, I still take online classes to enhance my career, I go to seminars, concerts, events - WITHOUT HIM - and I don't cancel my plans just to be with him.

 

He knows my schedule and he makes time to be with me when I am available.

[whichwayisup]

Him leaving a 2 year little girl, breaking up the family home isn't going to be easy at all, and since his wife has no clue about the affair, then it's going to be a rough ride either way.

 

keep your heart shielded.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not sure why everyone is assuming my life revolves around this guy. It doesn't. I still hang out with my friends, I still volunteer on the weekends, I still take online classes to enhance my career, I go to seminars, concerts, events - WITHOUT HIM - and I don't cancel my plans just to be with him.

 

He knows my schedule and he makes time to be with me when I am available.

 

I'm sorry, I've mixed you up with someone else. Glad to hear that you are living your own life.

[SunsetRed]

My xMM gave me 2 rings. He never used the word "promise" but he did tell me that he intended to give me "other" rings in the future and stressed the words other.

 

He actually gave me one of the rings on the day he told me he was going back to make his marriage work. He said he had purchased the ring a while back and was waiting for the right time to give it to me. Before that time could come, his wife told him she'd lost her job and couldn't keep up her half of the house payment/child care and asked him to come back, which he immediately did.

 

He gave me the 2nd ring as a parting gift and even said "see, I never thought in a million years I'd end up back with her, otherwise I wouldn't have bought you this ring."

 

But, back with her is where he is. He'll be with her on Xmas and New Years and I'll be partnerless on those days. He'll be buying her presents and taking her out, but hey...I've got 2 rings

[pureinheart]

My xMM gave me 2 rings. He never used the word "promise" but he did tell me that he intended to give me "other" rings in the future and stressed the words other.

 

He actually gave me one of the rings on the day he told me he was going back to make his marriage work. He said he had purchased the ring a while back and was waiting for the right time to give it to me. Before that time could come, his wife told him she'd lost her job and couldn't keep up her half of the house payment/child care and asked him to come back, which he immediately did.

 

He gave me the 2nd ring as a parting gift and even said "see, I never thought in a million years I'd end up back with her, otherwise I wouldn't have bought you this ring."

 

But, back with her is where he is. He'll be with her on Xmas and New Years and I'll be partnerless on those days. He'll be buying her presents and taking her out, but hey...I've got 2 rings

 

Hi Sunset...(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))), I understand you must be very hurt...I'm so sorry.....

[Silly_Girl]

You get defensive everytime someone tries to challenge the fact that you are having an A and that it may be wrong. I am not trying to put you down, I get defensive as well. I think OW (in general, not just you) need to accept the fact that there ARE going to people out there who disagree with infidelity and do not support OW's actions.

 

Without a doubt. Does beg the question though as to why such folk hang out on an OW support forum (if not to bash?)?

[Silly_Girl]

Women do have pride -- and if he has told her he is hell bent on being with you, then I am betting she would have packed his bags for him. Then again, he won't tell you that he begged her to let him stay and work on things. (NOT that this happened, but it could easily have happened).

 

 

I'd have agreed with this previously, and thought my bf's wife would have kicked him out so fast he'd have whiplash, but even after he admitted the A had been going on for coming up to a year long, firstly she didn't believe him (still not sure how that works), then she kept offering him more and more time to 'choose'. As I've learnt from the BS's over on Infidelity there's definitely not one script for this stuff.

[pureinheart]

You know if you don't agree it is = to hate for some people. My momma didn't raise a person who can't separate the two. The projection on this board is amazing isn't it?

 

There is a big difference to agree to disagree and hate, most sane people are able to grasp this concept and do know the difference.

[Silly_Girl]

10 characters.....

 

Sigh.......... come on pure, really now???

 

"the NC and hate the AP agenda" Oh good grief, surely most of us are a lot more evolved than that and we come here with our own experiences good and bad and yes I post with MY perspective.

 

BB, your posts are kind, gentle and objective. I have never seen you be dismissive, insulting or make sarcastic fun of someone's opinion/post because you did not approve. That's why I heart your posts! You've 'BTDT' and learned lessons and you SHARE those lessons, no preaching. It's fab. I think the fact you don't see the attitude Pure is referring to is a wonderful reflection on you, to be honest.

 

I don't preach NC and I don't hate the AP, I just know that when women and a lot of them are young come here and they are in pain and torn up about what to do, they need help. Yes they have doubts or they likely wouldn't be here if things were good, so.......if they show interest in ending it, I support that. If they have doubts, then they come here for insight.

 

In closing I'd like to say that those that come here are still going to do what they are going to do regardless of what is said to them. I don't think anyone here has enough power to "make" someone do something they don't want to do.

 

You are right, BUT I know I personally felt more doubts about the potential future of my relationship, due to the posts on here. That is NOT to say anyone was wrong to post what they did (I got some wonderful replies) but there can be an influence there. I'm one of the most determined people I know, I'm headstrong and can choose to be single-minded, and crikey I'm so pleased I went with my heart (and am cuddled up now to a gorgeous man I love very much and the future looks really bright) but it can be a huge challenge to swim against the tide... Also, I think that too heavy a vote in one direction can potentially cause two things:

1. Poster not coming back for further support/advice if things haven't gone 100% as she wished.

2. Poster doing something 'to prove y'all wrong, because her man IS different to ALL the others' and not giving due consideration to all the options open to her as a result.

 

I hate these labels........I really do.

I'm just me and yes I'm got my opinion and my experiences and sometimes I am outspoken about them..........but well aren't we all?

[pureinheart]

You know, I agree with you.

 

And I think for the most part that there are many BS's in OW's clothing.

 

This is just ridiculous. I have NEVER known a REAL OW to just decide she is evil after the 4 regular posts from the haters saying go NC and actually DOING IT.

 

A real OW actually loves her man and goes some amount of distance for him. And I am not talking about the OP, but in reference to this post. It is no coincidence that so many supposedly "OP's" here come here for like a minute and post as an OW and then start posting from the fOW point of view. (But not even close in my point of view.)

 

I'm sick of it. This forum is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT IT WAS. It's now overrun by a bunch of bitter BS's trying to get OP's out of their A's so they save a frick'n M, all ready.

 

Too bad they couldn't save their own.

 

GEL (Just sick of what I'm seeing here and sad that the real OW are afraid to even post here.)

 

P.S. My apologies to Jennie and PIH not saying you're not real. Just sick of the new posters suddenly going all psycho on their men. They are NOT EVEN FOR REAL.

 

I think your right GEL, I hadn't thought of it, although it has been rather weird on this board as of late.

 

Other members are noticing the same run of haters, saying LS isn't the same anymore. Others are extremely tired of it also.

 

Nope, they're not for real...wow, talk about manipulation ....

[Silly_Girl]

sc58, you seem as though your head is in a good place. The thing is we all do things we know might not be the best thing for us. Things we might warn our sisters or best friends away from (drinking too much wine and expecting the headache is a regular favourite of mine!). The important thing is not to court denial or lie to yourself, know your actions and know their CONSEQUENCES.

 

Only when you have that awareness can you be true to yourself. If you try and 'force' yourself to take a path you're not ready for, it might (or it might not) backfire on you and be destructive for you. You have to be ready to change things, if you want things to change.

 

Some people will say 'life is too short, you're wasting your time'; others will say 'have regrets for things you did, not things you wish you'd done'. If you feel you want to give him a little more time, go for it. The smart cookie is the one who doesn't keep extending deadlines and overstepping their own boundaries. Tread carefully. Good luck!

[bentnotbroken]

There is a big difference to agree to disagree and hate, most sane people are able to grasp this concept and do know the difference.

 

 

Since you don't know what a person is thinking when they post, you can't assume that hate is what they are feeling. I don't assume all AP hate the BS. Why would anyone assume hate is there unless otherwise specified, which I have very rarely seen on this board from any direction.

 

Most people can see the difference between pain, hurt, anger and "hate". I would wager that someone who is into hate is into expressing that hate in the real world with actions far more atrocious than stating their opinions on an anonymous board.

[Lauriebell82]

You know, I agree with you.

 

And I think for the most part that there are many BS's in OW's clothing.

 

This is just ridiculous. I have NEVER known a REAL OW to just decide she is evil after the 4 regular posts from the haters saying go NC and actually DOING IT.

 

A real OW actually loves her man and goes some amount of distance for him. And I am not talking about the OP, but in reference to this post. It is no coincidence that so many supposedly "OP's" here come here for like a minute and post as an OW and then start posting from the fOW point of view. (But not even close in my point of view.)

 

I'm sick of it. This forum is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT IT WAS. It's now overrun by a bunch of bitter BS's trying to get OP's out of their A's so they save a frick'n M, all ready.

 

 

Oh, come on now. I am not a BS and I do not support infidelity at all. I think the OW who are still in their A want posters to tell them they are doing the right thing and love will get them through, ect. That is not always the case! IMO, I think that OW who post about their situation are unsure and are looking for insight. If they were deadset on continuing in their A and wanted nothing to change then they wouldn't come here, would they?

 

I am not bitter or a hater. The reason I like this forum is not to convince an OW to leave an A, but offer insight and just encourage her to consider the fact that the MM may not be being truthful with her. I will encourage a poster to leave the A beause I feel they are not healthy, just as I feel doing drugs and alcohol are not healthy. A do have an addictive nature-along with other relationships-so maybe that's why I like posting.

 

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked here. sc58, I think your thinking is on right track (in that you plan to leave if MM doesn't come through). I'm glad you are being cautious about MM. Good luck!

[jthorne]

You know, I agree with you.

 

And I think for the most part that there are many BS's in OW's clothing.

 

This is just ridiculous. I have NEVER known a REAL OW to just decide she is evil after the 4 regular posts from the haters saying go NC and actually DOING IT.

 

A real OW actually loves her man and goes some amount of distance for him. And I am not talking about the OP, but in reference to this post. It is no coincidence that so many supposedly "OP's" here come here for like a minute and post as an OW and then start posting from the fOW point of view. (But not even close in my point of view.)

 

I'm sick of it. This forum is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT IT WAS. It's now overrun by a bunch of bitter BS's trying to get OP's out of their A's so they save a frick'n M, all ready.

 

Too bad they couldn't save their own.

 

GEL (Just sick of what I'm seeing here and sad that the real OW are afraid to even post here.)

 

P.S. My apologies to Jennie and PIH not saying you're not real. Just sick of the new posters suddenly going all psycho on their men. They are NOT EVEN FOR REAL.

Wow, just when I thought I'd read all the ways OW can come up with to discredit people who don't approve of their behavior...

 

Now, if an OW comes here and sees the light of day that the A may not be in their best interest, they are fake.

 

Wow. This reeks of desperation, how unfortunate.

[BB07]

SG said.......

BB, your posts are kind, gentle and objective. I have never seen you be dismissive, insulting or make sarcastic fun of someone's opinion/post because you did not approve. That's why I heart your posts! You've 'BTDT' and learned lessons and you SHARE those lessons, no preaching. It's fab. I think the fact you don't see the attitude Pure is referring to is a wonderful reflection on you, to be honest.

You are right, BUT I know I personally felt more doubts about the potential future of my relationship, due to the posts on here. That is NOT to say anyone was wrong to post what they did (I got some wonderful replies) but there can be an influence there. I'm one of the most determined people I know, I'm headstrong and can choose to be single-minded, and crikey I'm so pleased I went with my heart (and am cuddled up now to a gorgeous man I love very much and the future looks really bright) but it can be a huge challenge to swim against the tide... Also, I think that too heavy a vote in one direction can potentially cause two things:

1. Poster not coming back for further support/advice if things haven't gone 100% as she wished.

2. Poster doing something 'to prove y'all wrong, because her man IS different to ALL the others' and not giving due consideration to all the options open to her as a result.

 

Ahhhh Thank you SG!

 

Regarding responding to a first time poster, yes I get your point about scaring someone off and I agree that isn't a good thing to do. A gentle approach would be best and hey I'm guilty of being too harsh sometimes. I think having that BTDT quality makes me forget sometimes they come here scared and with a huge mix of emotions.

 

I do believe that your guy is not one of the ones who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sometimes some of these men do have a very dysfunctional relationship with the spouse and it's something they need to leave behind and your guy actually made it happen.

 

I hope you both have a happy future!

[spice4life]

I'm glad things are evening out for you sc58. There is nothing wrong with hanging in there if you are both addressing the issues at hand. It sounds like you have an open communicating relationship with your MM and as long as his "actions" match his "words" then you have something that is real. Good for you! I hope it all works out for you.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, come on now. I am not a BS and I do not support infidelity at all. I think the OW who are still in their A want posters to tell them they are doing the right thing and love will get them through, ect.

 

It would be a very delusional OW if she came to LS to get that kind of feedback!

 

That is not always the case! IMO, I think that OW who post about their situation are unsure and are looking for insight. If they were deadset on continuing in their A and wanted nothing to change then they wouldn't come here, would they?

 

I am not unsure about my relationship, but I do have a need to understand extramarital relationships better. I come to LS mainly for the discussion, since there are posters here from which I can learn, and also I post here to give support to other OW. Recognizing the patterns of extramarital relationships and understanding why WS have difficulty leaving a marriage although they may love someone else is of great help in my experience for an OW.

 

I am not bitter or a hater. The reason I like this forum is not to convince an OW to leave an A, but offer insight and just encourage her to consider the fact that the MM may not be being truthful with her. I will encourage a poster to leave the A beause I feel they are not healthy, just as I feel doing drugs and alcohol are not healthy. A do have an addictive nature-along with other relationships-so maybe that's why I like posting.

 

Your kind of feedback is of no help for an OW like me who has chosen to remain in the extramarital relationship. It just makes me frustrated that some people believe they know better what goes on in my life than I do. And this without ever having personally experienced any of the aspects of an extramarital relationship!

Edited November 20, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[woinlove]

I

Your kind of feedback is of no help for an OW like me who has chosen to remain in the extramarital relationship. It just makes me frustrated that some people believe they know better what goes on in my life than I do. And this without ever having personally experienced any of the aspects of an extramarital relationship!

 

It's not all about you. Isn't this sc58's thread?

 

Best way to get feedback on your life is to start your own thread.

[Lauriebell82]

It's not all about you. Isn't this sc58's thread?

 

Best way to get feedback on your life is to start your own thread.

 

You took the words out of my mouth. Ditto!