He got me a ring...

[whichwayisup]

GEL, i can't figure you out. I've read many harsh replies by you TO some OW on here, depending on their situation.

 

Noone here has been rude, noone mentioned the word HATE, as far as I know, noone here is a "hater" who has replied on this thread.

 

Your MM (now husband) hasn't pulled the crap HER MM has, NC, broken promises, treating her poorly, leading her on, exaggerating, omitting truths, lying to her etc.. Seems your MM did what he said and promised you every step of the way. So far, this MM has done SFA other than give a promise ring. His timing is sooo off and to me, that ring is HIS desparation, HIS reaction to going possible NC. TO hang on and wait..Buy more time, inaction and to do nothing to keep the status quo.

 

Sure, maybe he means it, time will tell, but so far it doesn't look good, how he's handling things.

[2sunny]

so he bought you jewelry in order to keep you in your proper place - what an original idea...

 

tell him to buy you a house and put it in your name.

 

but seriously - this is just another manipulation and control move on his part - designed to get you to do what's best for him.

 

btw - he'll still go on that weekend with her... you know that, right?

 

don't think he won't.

 

i wouldn't see or speak to him again until his divorce is FINAL!!!!! do what is best for you - no one else is going to - it needs to be you.

[2sunny]

Considering what his wedding ring meant to him, I wouldn't put too much stock in a 'promise ring'. I'd give it back and let him know that when he is 100% divorced and free to do so, then he can make you a promise.

 

that's an interesting point for something so symbolic... does he still wear his wedding ring?

 

why not let his W know that he's given you this "promise ring?" she deserves to know too.

[2sunny]

sincere in his words- that means nothing until he's actually divorced. let's look at this realistically.

 

he creates chaos... you endure it... he buys you off cuz you want to leave... then you stay. tah dah... he gets what he wanted all along... you still playing his waiting game... waiting..... how's that working for you? get used to it.

[sc58]

And he says he isn't going on the weekend marriage retreat? What about that deposit that he didn't want to lose?

 

What happened to him taking his son to see this place he was going to rent, LONG term? Guess that is all bagged now too? And still not acknowledgment of when he is going to file for divorce? Oh that's right, he has to wait until after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas! And you are okay with being the hidden secret still? So when will be the magic time that you can be a PUBLIC couple and actually TELL people, like your sister, that you are seeing a married guy? Maybe after Christmas? After New Years?

 

I am curious though - why does his son spend the weekend at his grandma's? What is that about? Why isn't dad spending that time with his son?

 

They did not have to put a deposit for the marriage retreat. Not sure where you got that from, but in any case, no they are no longer going.

 

And I think you may have me confused with another poster...Maravilla, I think. My MM never said anything about renting a place long term or filing after Thanksgiving or before Christmas...He said by the end of January.

 

And the son does not spend weekends with his grandma, his son spends weekends with his mother, who is not MM's wife.

 

Hope that clears of that up...

 

And thank you everyone for your posts. I really appreciate your input and am grateful that you all care enough (as Maravilla says, as much as you can for someone you dont know on the internet) to take the time to write your comments and thoughts.

 

As many of you said, I'm the only one that really knows him and our situation. And I don't feel like he's lying. Maybe I'm letting my emotions do the thinking for me, but I believe he's sincere in his words. While she did not move out, he is not staying at home on the weekends and they are no longer going on that marriage retreat, or whatever that was. I felt that said something and could be considered ACTIONS...

[sc58]

I think the most important thing is what this man is doing to your relationship with your sister. Do you REALLY think you would not go running to MM if he came "a'callin" while your sister is in town? You would make some lame excuse up (like you have to run to the store) and you would be in bed with him in 10 mins. You are like a drug addict, he is the drug, and he keeps feeding you his b.s. to keep you around.

 

I really think I will not go running to MM while my sister is here. Even now, if I'm busy I don't cancel plans just to see him or jump in bed with him. So I'm positive I won't do that while my sister is in town. I have things to do, and so does he. Not sure I appreciate your tone here, but hey this is a forum and I guess you're welcome to express your opinions.

[fooled once]

And he says he isn't going on the weekend marriage retreat? What about that deposit that he didn't want to lose?

 

What happened to him taking his son to see this place he was going to rent, LONG term? Guess that is all bagged now too? And still not acknowledgment of when he is going to file for divorce? Oh that's right, he has to wait until after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas! And you are okay with being the hidden secret still? So when will be the magic time that you can be a PUBLIC couple and actually TELL people, like your sister, that you are seeing a married guy? Maybe after Christmas? After New Years?

 

I am curious though - why does his son spend the weekend at his grandma's? What is that about? Why isn't dad spending that time with his son?

 

They did not have to put a deposit for the marriage retreat. Not sure where you got that from, but in any case, no they are no longer going.

 

And I think you may have me confused with another poster...Maravilla, I think. My MM never said anything about renting a place long term or filing after Thanksgiving or before Christmas...He said by the end of January.

 

And the son does not spend weekends with his grandma, his son spends weekends with his mother, who is not MM's wife.

 

Hope that clears of that up...

 

And thank you everyone for your posts. I really appreciate your input and am grateful that you all care enough (as Maravilla says, as much as you can for someone you dont know on the internet) to take the time to write your comments and thoughts.

 

As many of you said, I'm the only one that really knows him and our situation. And I don't feel like he's lying. Maybe I'm letting my emotions do the thinking for me, but I believe he's sincere in his words. While she did not move out, he is not staying at home on the weekends and they are no longer going on that marriage retreat, or whatever that was. I felt that said something and could be considered ACTIONS...

 

Yep, my fault. Sorry, had part of your story confused with someone else.

 

But I thought you said that arrangements were made for the marriage retreat which is why he said he was going (originally). Let me see if I can find it...

[WTFBBQ]

Your MM (now husband) hasn't pulled the crap HER MM has, NC, broken promises, treating her poorly, leading her on, exaggerating, omitting truths, lying to her etc.. Seems your MM did what he said and promised you every step of the way. So far, this MM has done SFA other than give a promise ring. His timing is sooo off and to me, that ring is HIS desparation, HIS reaction to going possible NC. TO hang on and wait..Buy more time, inaction and to do nothing to keep the status quo.

MM LIED for A YEAR about his marital status, then took TWO MORE YEARS to get D'd. Telling the truth and doing what he said every step of the way:lmao:

 

The two R's aren't so very different at all!

[fooled once]

I guess I should clarify what happened. A few months ago, MM called me to say that he and his W got into a fight and she said she was moving out. But then she never did. That was the first time. Then a few weeks later, he said that he got kicked out, and when he tried to leave, his W told him he couldn't just abandon his other child (from another woman) as he was not her responsibility, so he didn't move out that night. THEN, another month later, they decided he would move out for a week, and he stayed at his office. When he went back home, he said that she gave him a guilt trip about family and the vows they made, etc. and he felt so guilty that he owed it to her to at least try, or "pretend" to try (whatever that means). And while he did say that he still FELT the same way about me, he had a responsibility and commitment to her, so we went NC. That lasted all of 6 days.

 

He called me to say that it was no use trying. He asked me to give him until the end of January. He said by then, living arrangements would be different and the divorce proceedings would be starting. That was about 2-3 weeks ago. I did not expect him to tell me so soon that his W would be moving out, and neither did he. But she has said that she'll be moving out before, and didn't follow through, so I suppose it could happen again....

 

But I do believe that this time it is different, and maybe I am just thinking with my emotions and not with a clear head. I know that he hasn't lied to me about what is going on at home, and there were things he could have EASILY lied about, but didn't. I know that he doesn't just want an affair. It's so not worth it. We fight all the time about our situation, why the hell would he want that? What's the purpose of stringing me along for another few months?

 

I talked to him about it again today and told him that I do not mean to threaten him, but he does have a choice and him saying that he HAS to go just because she signed them up is bullsh*t. My mom actually recently signed me up to go this financial seminar with a guy she REALLY wants me to go out with (she is getting concerned that I've been "single" for so long) and I didn't go because I knew how my MM would feel about it. I told him that I had the choice to go and I didn't, and he has the same choice now.

 

So he said that he's going to talk to her about it later today. I guess I'll just have to see what happens...

 

I could step back, I suppose. We did talk about that. That maybe we just shouldn't see each other until he's divorced. But we've tried that before, and it hasn't worked. I think that I'm just gonna wait to see what happens this weekend. If she doesn't move out, I really don't want to be seeing him every day as we are now because it will just be another rollercoaster ride.

 

It's that up and down that's killing me. Saying she's gonna move out, then doesn't. Saying he's gonna move out then doesn't. He told me that she suggested going to this weekend retreat thing, but wasn't gonna go and now they are.

 

So if that happens AGAIN, I really can't take it. Don't even know how I've handled it up to this point, to be honest.

 

 

Here is what you had said, sorry, for some reason, i thought there was a deposit for the retreat.

 

I am still confused - all the lying about moving (him and her) out.

 

what about their daughter they have together? Where is she in all this? Since he is allegedly not going to be living there on the weekends, where is his daughter going to be? And where is he going to be staying on the weekends?

[BlackLovely]

I wouldn't put too much stock into what such a selfish man says.

He doesn't even care about the effects that constant family shifts may have on his son.

 

It seems as though you would like responses to validate believing this clown's lies.

Most of us have told you that we think it's just manipulative BS, yet you continue to jump to his defence.

 

I sincerely hope that you can learn to love yourself more. Why should you wait in the wings for this guy? What if he doesn't get a divorce? He has some nerve giving you an adolescent trinket and then telling you to wait.

People can only treat you the way you allow them to. You are currently allowing yourself to be fooled.

[Lauriebell82]

They did not have to put a deposit for the marriage retreat. Not sure where you got that from, but in any case, no they are no longer going.

 

And I think you may have me confused with another poster...Maravilla, I think. My MM never said anything about renting a place long term or filing after Thanksgiving or before Christmas...He said by the end of January.

 

And the son does not spend weekends with his grandma, his son spends weekends with his mother, who is not MM's wife.

 

Hope that clears of that up...

 

And thank you everyone for your posts. I really appreciate your input and am grateful that you all care enough (as Maravilla says, as much as you can for someone you dont know on the internet) to take the time to write your comments and thoughts.

 

As many of you said, I'm the only one that really knows him and our situation. And I don't feel like he's lying. Maybe I'm letting my emotions do the thinking for me, but I believe he's sincere in his words. While she did not move out, he is not staying at home on the weekends and they are no longer going on that marriage retreat, or whatever that was. I felt that said something and could be considered ACTIONS...

 

I think you are letting your emotions do the thinking for you..which is understandable. This is just my advice, but if I were you I would listen to the ex OW's on here. Learn from them.

 

Just please try to keep in mind that although you think you have complete faith in this MM, he is VERY untrustworthy, as he lies to his wife and children every single day. He probably doesn't realize what is a truth and what is a lie. It's become engrained for him to put on his front.

 

Bottom line, if you REALLY feel that he is sincere in his words then go with that. But since you posted this thread, I do encourage you to at LEAST take some of the things everyone is saying into consideration and not discard them.

[Fieldsofgold]

What do you think?

 

I was ecstatic when my MM gave me my engagement ring. And he didn't have divorce papers. Funny, at that point they hadn't separated yet, but were planning to. And the separation happened a month later.

 

And he's my H now.

 

If you're happy with it, then forget what all the haters here say. Live your life the way you see fit.

 

All this wait for the D papers, really? Would you leave the one you love when he needs you most? That's great partner material.

 

The reason you get all the go NC and stay out of it until he's divorced is so that the BS gets a chance to reconcile, telling themselves their spouse was in a fog and casting you in the lead as villain.

 

As you can see, no one here is going to say search your heart and make the best choice with the information available. Most of them have been betrayed and you trigger those feelings in them again. And they like to think it's good vs. evil and all that crap.

 

I guess if you're for real anyway, a couple of strangers on the internet aren't going to suddenly change your mind. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

 

And by the way, what's it look like?

 

GEL

 

GEL! I am anything but a "hater." Read my post to this lady. There is absolutely nothing hateful or bitter about it. I don't see any hateful posts here. The lady asked our honest opinions, I gave mine, as did others. BS's and OW alike pretty well agree on this thread. I think that is significant. For most of us, our honest opinion is that the man has done things that most likely indicate he is not trustworthy. I think that would be hard for any logical, reasoning person to dispute. Doesn't mean he won't come through, this time. But it raises the odds he won't.

 

Just because you married your MM, doesn't mean they all work out. Sadly, even when they seem to have worked out, doesn't always mean it lasts. We have all read on LS how MM leaves W, moves in with OW, files for D, goes back to W. My xH actually married his OW, then after several years of marriage to her, tried to come back. Divorced her anyway, married his then current OW, after a few years marriage to her, tried to come back to me again. Has repeated this pattern over and over. Marrying OW, getting dissatisfied after a few years, trying to come back to me, and marrying his current OW. He's now nearing 70, and still doing it!

 

My point is, that when you involve yourself with a person who is inconsistent in his actions, who is willing to lie to his "life partner," and who does not seem to respect or honor commitments, the likelihood of a *long-term* happy ending, a lifetime of love and loyalty, is greatly diminished.

 

These are the traits we all - BS and OW alike - honestly believe we see in this married man. So out if genuine concern, we all - BS and OW alike, are cautioning her.

 

There is no hate in that. Please don't try to characterize heart-felt concerned posters as haters.

 

My point being

[2sunny]

i am a former bs... and even i can see his lies. in fact, when i'm here, i like to advise in each person's best interest... it never has anything to do with whether they are the bs or the ow.

 

it has to do with a human being... and trying to get them to understand what is in the best interest for their situation.

 

he's willing to tell you what will keep you hanging around. IF he wants you that much - what's so wrong with waiting? stay out of it until he is an available man - for you.

 

since you've waited your whole life for him - what's wrong with waiting a little longer? knowing that you then did things in proper order will make life so much simpler and happier in the long run.

 

is that too much - considering the long haul it gives you both the best possible outcome - if this is to work out... while taking care of yourself.

[BB07]

What Fieldsofgold said...........

And like others I'm not at all fond of being called a hater.

 

 

GEL! I am anything but a "hater." Read my post to this lady. There is absolutely nothing hateful or bitter about it. I don't see any hateful posts here. The lady asked our honest opinions, I gave mine, as did others. BS's and OW alike pretty well agree on this thread. I think that is significant. For most of us, our honest opinion is that the man has done things that most likely indicate he is not trustworthy. I think that would be hard for any logical, reasoning person to dispute. Doesn't mean he won't come through, this time. But it raises the odds he won't.

 

Just because you married your MM, doesn't mean they all work out. Sadly, even when they seem to have worked out, doesn't always mean it lasts. We have all read on LS how MM leaves W, moves in with OW, files for D, goes back to W. My xH actually married his OW, then after several years of marriage to her, tried to come back. Divorced her anyway, married his then current OW, after a few years marriage to her, tried to come back to me again. Has repeated this pattern over and over. Marrying OW, getting dissatisfied after a few years, trying to come back to me, and marrying his current OW. He's now nearing 70, and still doing it!

 

My point is, that when you involve yourself with a person who is inconsistent in his actions, who is willing to lie to his "life partner," and who does not seem to respect or honor commitments, the likelihood of a *long-term* happy ending, a lifetime of love and loyalty, is greatly diminished.

 

These are the traits we all - BS and OW alike - honestly believe we see in this married man. So out if genuine concern, we all - BS and OW alike, are cautioning her.

 

There is no hate in that. Please don't try to characterize heart-felt concerned posters as haters.

 

My point being

[sc58]

Here is what you had said, sorry, for some reason, i thought there was a deposit for the retreat.

 

I am still confused - all the lying about moving (him and her) out.

 

what about their daughter they have together? Where is she in all this? Since he is allegedly not going to be living there on the weekends, where is his daughter going to be? And where is he going to be staying on the weekends?

 

Well, they had already made all the arrangements to go. She registered them for the class, booked the flights, etc. but now those plans are canceled. He said that he kept telling her he didnt want to go, but she insisted and then realized it wouldnt work if BOTH of them weren't committed to it, so she canceled the trip.

 

I am kind of confused about the moving out situation as well. I dont think he necessarily LIED to me, she said she was going to move out the first time but then changed her mind, he had packed his bags and was ready to leave the second time, and this time he really thought she was going to move out, but turns out she didnt. He says that he thinks she just wanted to see what his reaction would be because she said something along the lines of how he didn't even seem upset that she was moving out. It wasn't an outright lie, just turned out what was said in the heat of the moment didn't happen.

 

I could see that too. With my ex-boyfried, I said a bunch of things when we got into a fight that I didn't mean, so I guess I sort of understand. Sort of.

 

And I don't think he "bought me off" so I would stay. I don't think I understand what benefit he would have from me staying while we fight about his marital situation constantly. I mean, that can't be any fun for him as much as it's not for me. I honestly don't think he's a player or that kind of guy. And the reason I say this is because I was the one that "seduced" him, I guess you could say, not the other way around. He did not try anything with me. I think I thought it was just a game (I really don't know what I was thinking at the time) and he rejected me over and over again, telling me he was married, etc.. I honestly thought he would never cave, which is why I continued to tease him - I'm awful, I know. And then one day he did. But it was MONTHS later and took me complete surprise.

 

I think that's why I can't seem to think of him as a bad guy or the "player" type. I know for a fact if I hadn't initiated anything, nothing would have happened. I often feel so guilty that I was the one that got us into this mess. I had no idea I would fall for him or that he would fall for me. And obviously I was not thinking about the consequences and hurting his wife. As I look back, I seriously have no idea what the hell was going through my mind at the time. I mean, I thought he was cute and we had this really strong connection from the first time we met, but I knew from our first conversation he was married and it was like I didn't care. Something must be wrong with me...

 

Anyway, I guess that's why I seem to defend him all the time. Because I KNOW it was my doing that got us to this place and he really isn't that kind of guy. I doubt he would want to string me along for another few months just so we can continue to fight. What would be the point in that?

[whichwayisup]

Reading your lastest post worries me.. You totally believe just about every word he's told you. The guy is far from perfect so take a step back and see him for who he is. Yes, his poopy stinks just like everyone else's does.

 

I think that's why I can't seem to think of him as a bad guy or the "player" type. I know for a fact if I hadn't initiated anything, nothing would have happened. I often feel so guilty that I was the one that got us into this mess.

 

With that said -- Imagine now YOU are married to him. He's your husband. Another woman comes along, flirts with him, pursues him. Makes moves on him, and guess what? He doesn't say no. Is he still a nice guy? Not a player, not a cheater, not a betrayer? Not a liar? I wouldn't say he is a BAD person, but he certainly has made some bad choices and handled alot very wrong, making things dramatic, hurting his wife, breaking up his family unit. He's selfish and manipulative, in a self serving way, not in a malcious calculated way.

 

DO NOT take responsibility for HIS part in this affair. He could have said NO to you. He could have not let it go far, walked away at anytime. He CHOSE not to, just like you. It takes two, so don't put all this on you.

 

Real problem is, you honestly do not know what goes on between him and his wife. You only have his side of things, his version of how things are. You know he is and has been lying and omitting truths from his wife, the woman he said vows to, built a life with, had children with.. He has had NO problem lying to her, so why on earth wouldn't he lie and/or omit truths from you? Please give that some consideration. He more than likely has exaggerated things to suit him best, to put him in a better light in your eyes... Sadly your heart and emotions won't let you think anything different. Ofcourse NOONE wants to believe that the person they love is lying to them, but in a case of an affair, built on lies, on the expense of a BS, sneaking around and constantly keeping the lying going to keep the A secret.. He's good at it. And, that's not a nice trait to have..To lie that well, to fool people that love you.

[whichwayisup]

Please one thing, stay out of his marriage and details of divorce. Stop fighting with him, it's not your place or business to push him, enough that you guys are fighting. The marriage is between him and his wife, let them sort out the details of this so-called separation..Living arrangements which might lead to their divorce. The more involved you get, the drama, pain and heartache YOU are creating for yourself.

 

Step back, give him space to sort this out.

[2sunny]

I don't think I understand what benefit he would have from me staying while we fight about his marital situation constantly.

I doubt he would want to string me along for another few months just so we can continue to fight. What would be the point in that?

 

oh yes he would want to. it's an ego feed for him.

 

it also gives him you to blame for his M breaking up - IF and when it does...

 

you are his backup plan. yep, until his D is final - that is what you are. he has made you that gal. and you have made you that gal.

 

i have asked you numerous times- you don't seem to want to read what people are typing - and asking.

 

are YOU willing to be THAT gal? is that good enough for you? because this is where you may just stay - this same position - for many years. many OW stay in exactly this position for a VERY long time... is that good enough for you... and how long will you stay?

 

if you step away - he may have much more motivation to leave and divorce - IF he thinks he may lose you - and he's truly interested in divorcing his W.

 

until the deal is done - you really have nothing but a ring and a prayer.

 

that is why i say get out now while you can - then see how it all plays out by staying out of it until it's final. THEN and only THEN will you know that his words equal his actions.

 

when he's divorced = he's available to a gal like you... until then - he's married and is tied to his wife.

[Fieldsofgold]

oh yes he would want to. it's an ego feed for him.

 

it also gives him you to blame for his M breaking up - IF and when it does...

 

you are his backup plan. yep, until his D is final - that is what you are. he has made you that gal. and you have made you that gal.

 

i have asked you numerous times- you don't seem to want to read what people are typing - and asking.

 

are YOU willing to be THAT gal? is that good enough for you? because this is where you may just stay - this same position - for many years. many OW stay in exactly this position for a VERY long time... is that good enough for you... and how long will you stay?

 

if you step away - he may have much more motivation to leave and divorce - IF he thinks he may lose you - and he's truly interested in divorcing his W.

 

until the deal is done - you really have nothing but a ring and a prayer.

 

that is why i say get out now while you can - then see how it all plays out by staying out of it until it's final. THEN and only THEN will you know that his words equal his actions.

 

when he's divorced = he's available to a gal like you... until then - he's married and is tied to his wife.

 

2Sunny makes very good points here.

 

After reading your last post about how you came to be in the affair, now I'm really worried.

 

You pushed and pushed to seduce him, now you are pushing him to leave. This is NOT a good thing. Let's suppose he does leave his W for you. When problems arise in your relationship - and all relationships go through problem times - when that happens, it is very likely he will blame and hate you. Do you really want to be that target?

 

I strongly urge you to back off, and let him sort out his marriage and divorce on his own terms. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, HE WILL BE. Then you will know YOU were HIS choice. And he will have a lot less to blame you for, over the years.

[YellowShark]

Ya know I read through these OM/OW threads and just have to shake my head. One camp is warning you that you are being manipulated sc58, the other camp tells you not to listen to the "haters" and stick with MM at all costs.

 

So I sit here and read this stuff and shake my head why? Why get into a relationship that is so frikkin complicated? It seems to be damaged from the get go. It's a relationship that is starting off unhealthy and subversive.

 

Look what this man is doing to is wife and lets fast forward 5 years... there is absolutely no way to say he will not be doing exactly the same thing to you in 5 years sc58. Probability is very high that he will be giving promise rings to another OW while you sit at home 5 years from now. IMHO it's all so sad, unhealthy, and unnecessarily complicated.

 

I guess there are two schools of thought. One is being a sexual-pitstop/emotional-tampon for a married person and being comfortable and happy with that. Which is ok, if that's what one wants out of life. The other school of thought is the dream of eventually running off into the sunset with your married AP.

 

Yet if I am going to invest my heart and soul into someone I wouldn't want to do it until they could commit to me 100%. I wouldn't want promises and crumbs. I wouldn't want a "love" that means walking down the street in fear of who we might run into. I wouldn't want a "love" that means I couldn't see them between certain hours on certain days because he/she is at home with their wife or husband. Waaay too much drama and such a waste of energy.

 

I guess I really just don't get the deal with dating married people.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, they had already made all the arrangements to go. She registered them for the class, booked the flights, etc. but now those plans are canceled. He said that he kept telling her he didnt want to go, but she insisted and then realized it wouldnt work if BOTH of them weren't committed to it, so she canceled the trip.

 

I am kind of confused about the moving out situation as well. I dont think he necessarily LIED to me, she said she was going to move out the first time but then changed her mind, he had packed his bags and was ready to leave the second time, and this time he really thought she was going to move out, but turns out she didnt. He says that he thinks she just wanted to see what his reaction would be because she said something along the lines of how he didn't even seem upset that she was moving out. It wasn't an outright lie, just turned out what was said in the heat of the moment didn't happen.

 

I could see that too. With my ex-boyfried, I said a bunch of things when we got into a fight that I didn't mean, so I guess I sort of understand. Sort of.

 

And I don't think he "bought me off" so I would stay. I don't think I understand what benefit he would have from me staying while we fight about his marital situation constantly. I mean, that can't be any fun for him as much as it's not for me. I honestly don't think he's a player or that kind of guy. And the reason I say this is because I was the one that "seduced" him, I guess you could say, not the other way around. He did not try anything with me. I think I thought it was just a game (I really don't know what I was thinking at the time) and he rejected me over and over again, telling me he was married, etc.. I honestly thought he would never cave, which is why I continued to tease him - I'm awful, I know. And then one day he did. But it was MONTHS later and took me complete surprise.

 

I think that's why I can't seem to think of him as a bad guy or the "player" type. I know for a fact if I hadn't initiated anything, nothing would have happened. I often feel so guilty that I was the one that got us into this mess. I had no idea I would fall for him or that he would fall for me. And obviously I was not thinking about the consequences and hurting his wife. As I look back, I seriously have no idea what the hell was going through my mind at the time. I mean, I thought he was cute and we had this really strong connection from the first time we met, but I knew from our first conversation he was married and it was like I didn't care. Something must be wrong with me...

 

Anyway, I guess that's why I seem to defend him all the time. Because I KNOW it was my doing that got us to this place and he really isn't that kind of guy. I doubt he would want to string me along for another few months just so we can continue to fight. What would be the point in that?

 

This post concerns me too. It takes two to tango, he didn't HAVE to give in to your advances. I really have to question though what "committment" means to you. I mean you seduce a married man, and have no qualms that you may break up his marriage. Would you like it if someone did that to you? I mean what if you DO marry your MM? Then what? What will happen when some OW tries to seduce him and he caves? That is VERY likely to happen. You both have some serious issues with committment. And yes he IS "that kind of guy." He is a liar and a cheater.

 

Have you ever sought out counseling? It sounds like you are attracted to men with baggage, maybe for the excitement or the drama? You may be so bored with a monogomous and happy marriage. Being in one myself right now (a happy marriage) I have to say that the absense of drama is wonderful. But maybe you gravitate towards that? Something to think about.

[sc58]

This post concerns me too. It takes two to tango, he didn't HAVE to give in to your advances. I really have to question though what "committment" means to you. I mean you seduce a married man, and have no qualms that you may break up his marriage. Would you like it if someone did that to you? I mean what if you DO marry your MM? Then what? What will happen when some OW tries to seduce him and he caves? That is VERY likely to happen. You both have some serious issues with committment. And yes he IS "that kind of guy." He is a liar and a cheater.

 

Have you ever sought out counseling? It sounds like you are attracted to men with baggage, maybe for the excitement or the drama? You may be so bored with a monogomous and happy marriage. Being in one myself right now (a happy marriage) I have to say that the absense of drama is wonderful. But maybe you gravitate towards that? Something to think about.

 

I am in counseling right now and am actually discussing this with my counselor. I honestly do not think I am attracted to men with baggage, I really don't like "excitement" or "drama." I'm the kind of girl that likes to stay home and watch movies while most people my age go out to clubs and party, etc. I HATE drama. I avoid going out to avoid drama.

 

I had just gotten out of a 5-year relationship when I met MM, and I think was just having fun flirting with a guy I knew I couldn't have and really didnt think about the consequences..I assumed it wouldn't lead anywhere and when something did happen, we both had an understanding that it would end eventually. I never once asked him to leave his W. He was the one that brought it up, and assured me it had nothing to do with me.

 

When he first brought up getting a divorce, I tried to convince him to stay in his marriage. I felt really guilty. I kept thinking that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be thinking of getting a divorce and breaking up his family. As much as he tells me its not my fault, that he was unhappy for a long time, etc. etc., I am part of the reason. I don't know how I'll feel about that in the future, and I have talked to him about it. As many people have mentioned here, if he did it WITH me, he could do it TO me....

[2sunny]

your words and actions do not correspond - at all.

 

if you say you hate drama - but your actions have caused drama... then there is a lie in there somewhere because the two don't match.

 

YOU caused drama. that is clear = so OWN the fact that you cause drama yourself. you caused it by actively pursuing a MM; now you are continuing the drama by staying involved at this juncture.

 

IF you hate drama THAT much- you would step away until he is absolutely a divorced man who can openly participate in a committed relationship with you - or any other gal.

 

but let's be honest here - your actions show you are drama when your words say differently... so which is it really going to be?

[fooled once]

Reading your lastest post worries me.. You totally believe just about every word he's told you. The guy is far from perfect so take a step back and see him for who he is. Yes, his poopy stinks just like everyone else's does.

 

With that said -- Imagine now YOU are married to him. He's your husband. Another woman comes along, flirts with him, pursues him. Makes moves on him, and guess what? He doesn't say no. Is he still a nice guy? Not a player, not a cheater, not a betrayer? Not a liar? I wouldn't say he is a BAD person, but he certainly has made some bad choices and handled alot very wrong, making things dramatic, hurting his wife, breaking up his family unit. He's selfish and manipulative, in a self serving way, not in a malcious calculated way.

 

DO NOT take responsibility for HIS part in this affair. He could have said NO to you. He could have not let it go far, walked away at anytime. He CHOSE not to, just like you. It takes two, so don't put all this on you.

 

Real problem is, you honestly do not know what goes on between him and his wife. You only have his side of things, his version of how things are. You know he is and has been lying and omitting truths from his wife, the woman he said vows to, built a life with, had children with.. He has had NO problem lying to her, so why on earth wouldn't he lie and/or omit truths from you? Please give that some consideration. He more than likely has exaggerated things to suit him best, to put him in a better light in your eyes... Sadly your heart and emotions won't let you think anything different. Ofcourse NOONE wants to believe that the person they love is lying to them, but in a case of an affair, built on lies, on the expense of a BS, sneaking around and constantly keeping the lying going to keep the A secret.. He's good at it. And, that's not a nice trait to have..To lie that well, to fool people that love you.

 

Agee

 

oh yes he would want to. it's an ego feed for him.

 

it also gives him you to blame for his M breaking up - IF and when it does...

 

you are his backup plan. yep, until his D is final - that is what you are. he has made you that gal. and you have made you that gal.

 

i have asked you numerous times- you don't seem to want to read what people are typing - and asking.

 

are YOU willing to be THAT gal? is that good enough for you? because this is where you may just stay - this same position - for many years. many OW stay in exactly this position for a VERY long time... is that good enough for you... and how long will you stay?

 

if you step away - he may have much more motivation to leave and divorce - IF he thinks he may lose you - and he's truly interested in divorcing his W.

 

until the deal is done - you really have nothing but a ring and a prayer.

 

that is why i say get out now while you can - then see how it all plays out by staying out of it until it's final. THEN and only THEN will you know that his words equal his actions.

 

when he's divorced = he's available to a gal like you... until then - he's married and is tied to his wife.

 

Agree

 

2Sunny makes very good points here.

 

After reading your last post about how you came to be in the affair, now I'm really worried.

 

You pushed and pushed to seduce him, now you are pushing him to leave. This is NOT a good thing. Let's suppose he does leave his W for you. When problems arise in your relationship - and all relationships go through problem times - when that happens, it is very likely he will blame and hate you. Do you really want to be that target?

 

I strongly urge you to back off, and let him sort out his marriage and divorce on his own terms. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, HE WILL BE. Then you will know YOU were HIS choice. And he will have a lot less to blame you for, over the years.

 

 

Really agree.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't he 18 years older than you? Don't you realize a man that old would be delighted in a young woman of your age on his arm? Someone new to replace his oldest version of a wife? Was his current wife the OW to the woman who had his son?

 

He easily could have said no. He enjoyed the game of you chasing him. He played right into it. And you believe he is going to start all over again with babies with you - so he will have 3 different mothers to his children? And his son will now have to have another stepmom Great role model for that young man.

 

But haven't you been pushing him to divorce? Haven't you been doing your best to convince him that his wife is not a good wife and if you were his wife, you would be doing xy and z for him? Be honest here -- you haven't been trying to "win" him over his wife? That is who this promise ring came into play - a trinket to keep you "hot" for him?

[Lauriebell82]

Don't cast yourself as the homebody-drama hating good girl. Because you're not. If you were you would have gotten your feel goods by flirting with a single man instead of going after a married guy. And once you crossed the line you should have said "Whoah, that's enough of that!" but you didn't, I guess because by then you were in luuurrrvvvee??

 

And don't think he is not getting a divorce for you. It's totally for you.

 

In other words you can let your MM piss in your face and call it rain but don't do it to us and stop doing it to yourself.

 

I would have to agree with this. Women who hate drama don't go after MM. Getting involved with a MM just ensures that you will be up to your ears in drama.

 

I think he is using you as a reason for WANTING a divorce (keyword, wanting, not actually getting) and can put all the blame on you for his troubles. He is so manipulative, telling you it's not your fault. He is playing you, but you are so blinded by love that you can't see it. A loving committed relationship is one in which both parties are free and willing to be together, it does not involve lies, manipulation, guilt, and blame.

 

I'm unsure why you don't believe what we are saying but you really should think about this. I feel like a broken record here.