He got me a ring...

[4321sn]

I also decided that I deserve better then someone who would do something liek that. I think the OP is still working on that.

 

You are right Lauriebell...I think she is just trying to sort through this. Posting here should help her a great deal. I'm even contradicting myself at this point...One minute Im writing that I know he loves me and he will leave and the next Im thinking of all the Sh#ty things he did to me and I question myself and my judgement.

 

It is difficult to doubt the MM because then we must face the possibility that we were duped. That it was all a lie and we fell for it. My own feelings range from loving him and wanting to help him through and f-ing HATING him and wanting to ruin his life for all the times he's hurt me. It's so confusing

 

As we all know it's a hellish process...

[Dexter Morgan]

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think about him getting me a "promise ring" and the new situation...

 

that your destruction and victory over the wife is almost complete.

[Fieldsofgold]

Please just stop and re-read what you wrote, which I've bolded. You need to be true to yourself and your values. If you honestly really think he should stay with his wife for their family, then you need to get out of the picture. You are saying one thing and doing another.

 

I was very recently an OW and I am just trying to help you because you sound incredibly conflicted and confused. I was like that too. I am just trying to point out how you are conflicting your words, your actions and your values. Please just sit down and figure out what you really believe, what you really want, and then go in that direction. If you really believe he should stay with his wife, then get out of the way. He cannot work on his marriage while you are with him wanting him to get divorced in January!

 

Maravilla, you've got some good stuff here! You may have just recently ended an A, but you've sure got your head clear!

[maravilla]

Maravilla, you've got some good stuff here! You may have just recently ended an A, but you've sure got your head clear!

 

It's like I was in a nightmare and I finally woke up and thought, 'oh, so this is how I should have been ending the nightmare all along!'

 

I totally saw MM's true colors when I went NC. Now I see him written all over the posts about other MMs. To me they really do seem all mostly the same. Might there be an exception? Sure, but I haven't seen many! I'm thinking that most of the exceptions have OWs who aren't posting here on loveshack b/c they are enjoying being w/ their MM who is actually doing what he is saying he's doing... moving out for good, filing for divorce and THEN maybe giving the OW a ring, ha ha.

[endlessness]

It's like I was in a nightmare and I finally woke up and thought, 'oh, so this is how I should have been ending the nightmare all along!'

 

I totally saw MM's true colors when I went NC. Now I see him written all over the posts about other MMs. To me they really do seem all mostly the same.

 

I know, it was an utter shock. I was so convinced that my relationship was so unique, and beautiful, and tragic, and loving, and everything anyone could ever dream of. That's what was causing so much confusion; I mean, if it was indeed all that, then why wasn't he with me?? It just didn't make any sense. And no matter how I bent it, it still didn't make any sense. So, as hurtful as it was to discover that my R with my xMM was a textbook example of A, it was enlightening nonetheless. Because along with the illusion out went the confusion too. All the closure I ever needed.

[fooled once]

No, seriously, let me get this straight:

 

The OP started the affair. I believe she said he would not have approached her had she not flirted with him.

 

The OP encouraged him to leave his marriage (her mere and constant presence is encouragement enough).

 

She can't handle KIDS. This guy has KIDS, a son who lives with him full time. What the heck is she expecting will happen?!!? If she can't manage her own DOG how can she handle A CHILD. She doesn't even want kids right now... she doesn't want kids and yet this guy has KIDS!!! She will automatically have kids if he goes through his divorce and makes good on his "promise" to her... sc58, are you thinking this through?

 

I hope you rethink what is going on here and what you want from this man, sc58.

 

Let's remember - this MM has a DAUGHTER with his wife. A daughter that seems to be forgotten. A daughter who he had with his current wife.

 

I'm not so addicted to this man that I can't walk away if he doesn't come through on his promises by the timeline that he gave me. I have already made the decision to wait and see what happens, which is why it seems that I'm not listening to anyone's advice/opinions. It's not that I'm not listening, because I am. If by the end of January, he has not filed for divorce, I know I will be able to walk away. It's not that I CAN'T right now, it's that I have decided not to. He asked me to give him a chance to prove that he means what he says, and I have decided to give him ONE chance.

 

And what my therapist said is: "There is no harm in waiting a couple months." That part is word for word and then she said something about as long as you're sure you can walk away if he hasn't followed through. She does not support the fact that I am in the A. And the reason I started therapy was for an entirely different reason. There were things that happened to me when I was young that I needed to talk about as I was still getting nightmares about it.

 

We have talked about the step-parent thing. While I love children and am good with them, I just doubt my abilities to be a PARENT. I'm great with kids, I babysit a lot, tutor, and teach horseback riding lessons on the weekends. I just honestly don't know how I would feel about having my own child....He, for whatever reason, is not worried and thinks I'll be great.

 

As a biological mom and a stepmom - let me assure you - step-parenting is NOT EASY - and your MM has 2 different mom's to 2 different kids - that is 2 ex wives to deal with. And if EITHER one is even the tiniest bit pissed off -- watch out!

 

I almost ended my marriage due to step parenting issues. They aren't fun or for the faint of heart. Once his daughter finds out he is dating you - the mistress and one almost 1/2 her father's age...she is going to be pissed.

 

Sounds like you have had some very unhealthy relationships - a 5 year long distance and this affair ... and you are only 25. I am wondering if you know what a healthy relationship is.

 

So until his January deadline, are you going to continue to be the OW or are you going to back off and let him work out his issues? I mean, all you have to do is tell him to contact you in January once the divorce is filed. No need to cause yourself more angst during the holidays knowing he is going to be spending it with his wife and kids. Why do that to yourself, especially since you state you will be able to end the affair in January when/if he doesn't come through. So why not distance yourself now, let him work on whatever without you pushing him (as you have said you have done) and see if he comes through without you there, letting him use you yet go home to his wife. The promise ring should suffice until then, right?

[4321sn]

"So until his January deadline, are you going to continue to be the OW or are you going to back off and let him work out his issues? I mean, all you have to do is tell him to contact you in January once the divorce is filed. No need to cause yourself more angst during the holidays knowing he is going to be spending it with his wife and kids. Why do that to yourself, especially since you state you will be able to end the affair in January when/if he doesn't come through. So why not distance yourself now, let him work on whatever without you pushing him (as you have said you have done) and see if he comes through without you there, letting him use you yet go home to his wife. The promise ring should suffice until then, right?

 

Yes! I agree 100%. This is what I am doing. In my situation I realized that he needs to take care of things on his own. I need to spare myself the daily anxiety. Ugh! The holidays...I want to enjoy them not cry through them like I did last year. As I distance myself from this situation now, I am giving myself a chance to have peace over the holidays...

[Woman In Blue]

- and your MM has 2 different mom's to 2 different kids - that is 2 ex wives to deal with. And if EITHER one is even the tiniest bit pissed off -- watch out!

Wow, this guy's got quite the track record, doesn't he?

 

Spitting out kids with every woman he marries, then going on to find the next one to replace the current wife. Can we say "midlife crises?" I knew we could.

 

A promise ring means SQUAT. But since most married men can't spend a few bucks on their OW without wifey finding out, I suppose this guy gets a marginal nod of credit. But the ring still means squat.

 

And lastly, I'm not going to name names, but I find it highly amusing that one of the LoveShack "success stories" who enourages the OP to follow her heart, married someone who LIED to her and CONNED her for a very long time, not telling her he was married for the first year or two they were 'dating.' When you're willing to accept atrocious treatment like that, can your judgment be anything BUT rose-colored?

[OWoman]

I was ecstatic when my MM gave me my engagement ring. And he didn't have divorce papers. Funny, at that point they hadn't separated yet, but were planning to. And the separation happened a month later.

 

 

And he's my H now.

 

If you're happy with it, then forget what all the haters here say. Live your life the way you see fit.

 

All this wait for the D papers, really? Would you leave the one you love when he needs you most? That's great partner material.

 

The reason you get all the go NC and stay out of it until he's divorced is so that the BS gets a chance to reconcile, telling themselves their spouse was in a fog and casting you in the lead as villain.

 

As you can see, no one here is going to say search your heart and make the best choice with the information available. Most of them have been betrayed and you trigger those feelings in them again. And they like to think it's good vs. evil and all that crap.

 

I guess if you're for real anyway, a couple of strangers on the internet aren't going to suddenly change your mind. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

 

Agree with this. I too felt only happiness when my H gave me my ring. Yes, he was still M. Yes, he hadn't yet dumped his xW. But he said he would - and he did. He's a man of his word, and proves it to me every day.

 

If your guy is a man of his word, you'll trust him and it won't matter what the naysayers here say to try to spoil your happiness. If you're doubting him then perhaps it's not the real deal. The fact that you're so concerned about your sister's disapproval suggests to me that he doesn't mean THAT much to you - if he did, you'd want to shout it from the mountaintops to everyone, and disapproval from bystanders would not deter you from that.

 

 

 

A promise ring and an engagement ring are NOT the same thing. And your H gave you an engagement ring when he was still married to someone else?

 

Perhaps, like my H, he did not consider himself coupled to his xW at that point, whether or not the paperwork had happened.

 

It's great that the situation worked out for you, but the OP might not be so lucky. You are basically telling her that it's okay to have an A and to not give a damn about who gets hurt in the process..and base a marriage on that?

 

I would tell the OP not to base a M on anything short of complete conviction that it was the right thing to do. If she's in doubt - and her reluctance to tell her sister about her MM suggests she is - then a M is not what I'd recommend, unless she'd like to support the divorce lawyers' association as some kind of charity.

 

But having an A - um, she's already having one. Too late for advice on that... That's a bit like visiting a new mother in the maternity ward and telling her she should have aborted...

[Lauriebell82]

 

But having an A - um, she's already having one. Too late for advice on that... That's a bit like visiting a new mother in the maternity ward and telling her she should have aborted...

 

I disagree. It is NEVER too late for advice on any subject, especially an A. As far as her actually LISTENING to that advice is a different story. I don't think it's too late for her, however until the A fog clears in her head then she won't really be in a position to see what is going on. Pathological lying is a hard habit to break, giving trust to a MM 100% is very risky business.

[jennie-jennie]

I disagree. It is NEVER too late for advice on any subject, especially an A. As far as her actually LISTENING to that advice is a different story. I don't think it's too late for her, however until the A fog clears in her head then she won't really be in a position to see what is going on. Pathological lying is a hard habit to break, giving trust to a MM 100% is very risky business.

 

Pathological lying????

 

You have indicated that you are a counselor. Do you have any backup for your assertions about MM being pathological liars?

 

I presume you know that "affair fog" is a controversial term, only accepted by some, generally those who are pro-marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

Pathological lying????

 

You have indicated that you are a counselor. Do you have any backup for your assertions about MM being pathological liars?

 

I presume you know that "affair fog" is a controversial term, only accepted by some, generally those who are pro-marriage.

 

 

Much like "split self" that is generally accepted by those making excuses for bad behavior.

[Lauriebell82]

Pathological lying????

 

You have indicated that you are a counselor. Do you have any backup for your assertions about MM being pathological liars?

 

I presume you know that "affair fog" is a controversial term, only accepted by some, generally those who are pro-marriage.

 

Well, I don't know what other term to use for them. Pathological means continuous and lying is something that EVERY MM in an A does. I know OW don't believe that they are lies however (again rationalizations) so I can understand why you would not agree with me on that point.

 

I am pro-marriage so that's why I accept the term "affair fog" I suppose!

[jennie-jennie]

Much like "split self" that is generally accepted by those making excuses for bad behavior.

 

You mean by those who are trying to understand the psychology behind infidelity?

[Lauriebell82]

You mean by those who are trying to understand the psychology behind infidelity?

 

It appears that you become hypersensitive when anyone tries to challenge the fact that you are seeing a MM or indicate that it is wrong in some way....

[jennie-jennie]

Well, I don't know what other term to use for them. Pathological means continuous and lying is something that EVERY MM in an A does. I know OW don't believe that they are lies however (again rationalizations) so I can understand why you would not agree with me on that point.

 

I am pro-marriage so that's why I accept the term "affair fog" I suppose!

 

No, "pathological" does not mean continuous. It means:

 

adjective

→pathological behavior or feelings are not based on reason and cannot be controlled by the person experiencing them

→caused by disease

→relating to pathology

 

and "pathology" means:

 

noun

→the study of the causes of diseases and how they affect people

→the way that a particular disease develops in someone

 

Also:

Every MM lies to his wife. Some MM lie to their OW. Many do not.

[jennie-jennie]

It appears that you become hypersensitive when anyone tries to challenge the fact that you are seeing a MM or indicate that it is wrong in some way....

 

Honey, you have to have very thick skin to be an unapologetic OW on Loveshack. If you are hypersensitive, you are not going to stay here.

[Lauriebell82]

Honey, you have to have very thick skin to be an unapologetic OW on Loveshack. If you are hypersensitive, you are not going to stay here.

 

You get defensive everytime someone tries to challenge the fact that you are having an A and that it may be wrong. I am not trying to put you down, I get defensive as well. I think OW (in general, not just you) need to accept the fact that there ARE going to people out there who disagree with infidelity and do not support OW's actions.

[bentnotbroken]

You mean by those who are trying to understand the psychology behind infidelity?

 

 

No I meant those making excuses for infidelity.

[jennie-jennie]

You get defensive everytime someone tries to challenge the fact that you are having an A and that it may be wrong. I am not trying to put you down, I get defensive as well. I think OW (in general, not just you) need to accept the fact that there ARE going to people out there who disagree with infidelity and do not support OW's actions.

 

Whatever.

 

sc58, how are you doing?

[sc58]

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking.

 

My sister is arriving tonight and will be staying for 10 days, so I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen her in over a year. The reason I am apprehensive to tell my sister NOW about MM is because he is still married. While I am concerned about her reaction to his age and kids, the only reason I am not introducing them now is because he is still married. If he was single, I would have them meet in a heartbeat. So I don't think by not confiding in her now, I am hurting my relationship with her. Maybe I would feel differently if she was my older sister, but she is my baby sister and I don't want to dumb this on her....

 

For now, I have made a conscious decision to stay in this A and will wait to see what happens. It's not that I'm not listening, as a few posters have suggested. I have, and always had, a choice to stay in this relationship and after weighing out the options, I decided that I would/ could wait a couple more months. If nothing happens, then I feel confident that I can walk away. At the moment, I believe what my MM says. He has told his W he wants a divorce, and while she agreed that their marriage has problems and that they've "fallen out of love," she didn't want a divorce, but is now apparently accepting it. They are discussing custody, child support, visitation, etc. and will be spending the holidays separately.

 

I am aware that there is still a possibility he could do a 180 and change his mind on me, but for now, I'm being cautiously optimistic. I'm not proud of being the other woman, and feel guilty about their marriage and family breaking apart, but he insists it would have happened eventually. Anyway, we won't be seeing each other much, if at all, while my sister is here. I suppose that's a good thing so he can have some space, but I'm sure I will miss him even while I'm having fun with my sister.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking.

 

My sister is arriving tonight and will be staying for 10 days, so I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen her in over a year. The reason I am apprehensive to tell my sister NOW about MM is because he is still married. While I am concerned about her reaction to his age and kids, the only reason I am not introducing them now is because he is still married. If he was single, I would have them meet in a heartbeat. So I don't think by not confiding in her now, I am hurting my relationship with her. Maybe I would feel differently if she was my older sister, but she is my baby sister and I don't want to dumb this on her....

 

For now, I have made a conscious decision to stay in this A and will wait to see what happens. It's not that I'm not listening, as a few posters have suggested. I have, and always had, a choice to stay in this relationship and after weighing out the options, I decided that I would/ could wait a couple more months. If nothing happens, then I feel confident that I can walk away. At the moment, I believe what my MM says. He has told his W he wants a divorce, and while she agreed that their marriage has problems and that they've "fallen out of love," she didn't want a divorce, but is now apparently accepting it. They are discussing custody, child support, visitation, etc. and will be spending the holidays separately.

 

I am aware that there is still a possibility he could do a 180 and change his mind on me, but for now, I'm being cautiously optimistic. I'm not proud of being the other woman, and feel guilty about their marriage and family breaking apart, but he insists it would have happened eventually. Anyway, we won't be seeing each other much, if at all, while my sister is here. I suppose that's a good thing so he can have some space, but I'm sure I will miss him even while I'm having fun with my sister.

 

Hi sc58. Sorry, your thread shifted the focus off you for a little bit! Anyway, what are your plans in the meantime? Are you going to continue to see MM after your sister leaves and before he gets a divorce?

[jennie-jennie]

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking.

 

My sister is arriving tonight and will be staying for 10 days, so I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen her in over a year. The reason I am apprehensive to tell my sister NOW about MM is because he is still married. While I am concerned about her reaction to his age and kids, the only reason I am not introducing them now is because he is still married. If he was single, I would have them meet in a heartbeat. So I don't think by not confiding in her now, I am hurting my relationship with her. Maybe I would feel differently if she was my older sister, but she is my baby sister and I don't want to dumb this on her....

 

For now, I have made a conscious decision to stay in this A and will wait to see what happens. It's not that I'm not listening, as a few posters have suggested. I have, and always had, a choice to stay in this relationship and after weighing out the options, I decided that I would/ could wait a couple more months. If nothing happens, then I feel confident that I can walk away. At the moment, I believe what my MM says. He has told his W he wants a divorce, and while she agreed that their marriage has problems and that they've "fallen out of love," she didn't want a divorce, but is now apparently accepting it. They are discussing custody, child support, visitation, etc. and will be spending the holidays separately.

 

I am aware that there is still a possibility he could do a 180 and change his mind on me, but for now, I'm being cautiously optimistic. I'm not proud of being the other woman, and feel guilty about their marriage and family breaking apart, but he insists it would have happened eventually. Anyway, we won't be seeing each other much, if at all, while my sister is here. I suppose that's a good thing so he can have some space, but I'm sure I will miss him even while I'm having fun with my sister.

 

Sounds to me like a good plan. You are doing what feels right for you. That is what is important. Have fun with your sister now!

[newlife2010]

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking.

 

My sister is arriving tonight and will be staying for 10 days, so I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen her in over a year. The reason I am apprehensive to tell my sister NOW about MM is because he is still married. While I am concerned about her reaction to his age and kids, the only reason I am not introducing them now is because he is still married. If he was single, I would have them meet in a heartbeat. So I don't think by not confiding in her now, I am hurting my relationship with her. Maybe I would feel differently if she was my older sister, but she is my baby sister and I don't want to dumb this on her....

 

For now, I have made a conscious decision to stay in this A and will wait to see what happens. It's not that I'm not listening, as a few posters have suggested. I have, and always had, a choice to stay in this relationship and after weighing out the options, I decided that I would/ could wait a couple more months. If nothing happens, then I feel confident that I can walk away. At the moment, I believe what my MM says. He has told his W he wants a divorce, and while she agreed that their marriage has problems and that they've "fallen out of love," she didn't want a divorce, but is now apparently accepting it. They are discussing custody, child support, visitation, etc. and will be spending the holidays separately.

 

I am aware that there is still a possibility he could do a 180 and change his mind on me, but for now, I'm being cautiously optimistic. I'm not proud of being the other woman, and feel guilty about their marriage and family breaking apart, but he insists it would have happened eventually. Anyway, we won't be seeing each other much, if at all, while my sister is here. I suppose that's a good thing so he can have some space, but I'm sure I will miss him even while I'm having fun with my sister.

 

I'm glad you are okay.

 

I have been where you are. I am 8 years into it, actually. And I recognize oh, so much of what you are saying.

 

A "promise ring" means nothing, I am sorry to say. I have actually not heard that term since I was in high school thirty years ago.

 

I had many of those types of offerings too. It is just his way of trying to keep you hanging on.

 

I don't believe he will leave his wife, or he would do something solid. A "promise ring" is not solid evidence that he is going to leave her. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. If he intended to leave her, there would be no "promise rings", there would be action.

 

I hope you are okay.

[fooled once]

Much like "split self" that is generally accepted by those making excuses for bad behavior.

 

Agree.

 

Sounds like you are ashamed of your behavior - actively pursuing a MM.

 

You didn't answer my question though about his daughter. All this talk about his son, but what about his daughter?

 

Please also remember, these alleged conversations with his wife...are just that .... alleged. You have no proof he did talk to her and I actually would be very wary of them doing all this talking AT the holidays (about spending them apart). Doesn't sound like his wife is accepting of anything because I firmly believe any spouse who is told her H is sleeping with someone young enough to be his daughter would kick him to the CURB faster than his head could spin. ESPECIALLY at the holidays. Women do have pride -- and if he has told her he is hell bent on being with you, then I am betting she would have packed his bags for him. Then again, he won't tell you that he begged her to let him stay and work on things. (NOT that this happened, but it could easily have happened).

 

Think about it from his angle, he is going to have to confess to family, friends, co-workers, etc that he was cheating on his 2nd wife with a woman who could be his daughter. While he might like to imagine himself strutting around with you on his arm, in reality, he knows he is going to be the talk of his office and among his social circle. How good is that going to look to everyone that he not only broke his wife's trust and betrayed her, but he split during the holidays.

 

Hopefully, the wife gets a bull dog of a lawyer and takes the other half that his first ex wife didn't take. Nothing worse than a pissed off betrayed wife. Was his 2nd wife the OW in his first marriage?

 

Best of luck to you.