My bf's family is...

[jen_r]

a tad on the crazy side.

 

I'll give some backround on this situation first. His family hates me. For small unmentionable reasons. (ie, not doing lunch dates with his mother because I didn't feel like getting the 3rd degree & being grilled about my life, not being overly talkative, apparantly for not having manners??) They despise me and do not want their son to be with me. So, for the past 6 months his family has not even known about us seeing each other.

 

Fast forward to now. I sent his mother an email 3 weeks ago saying that me & her son had been seeing each other and would like to make ammends and bury the hatchett and put past all the ~drama. She doesn't respond to me, she responds to him saying "What the F**K? You are seeing Jen again? This person who has caused so much pain in our lives!!!!! She is NOT welcome in our family. If you would like to be with her, then you are not welcome in the family either." She's a bit over-dramatic. All the pain I've caused? Not even sure what she's talking about. So my bf sends her a 2 page email saying how he doesn't want her controlling his life anymore and forcing him to make her decisions and that he is a grown man capable of making his own choices and that he is tired of having consequences for everything he does. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and she never responded. His father sends him an email saying "If you don't apologize to your mother, she will not even discuss your email." He says he will not apologize. He realizes he has to take a stand now or they will forever continue to treat him like the black sheep. So, this morning he gets a text from his father saying "Since it seems you refuse to apologize to my wife, you have till next weekend to remove your car from our garage and pay for storage for it, or else we will have it towed."

 

You guys have a headache yet?!

 

His family is very over-bearing and manipulative. How should we/he deal with this situation? He wants things to be okay between himself and his family but, he is not willing to back down and it seems neither is his mother. His whole family has black listed him for the past 2 1/2 weeks and won't speak to him.

Then theres the situation where if they actually find a way to smooth things out - how will we be able to be together when they won't even support out relationship or even consider talking with me?

 

Has anyone everrrr had to deal with difficult in-laws?

[ReturnToSender]

Wow... I guess I would discuss what it is that they percieve youve done to cause pain... If you have no idea what they are talking about, maybe your bf knows? And if he doesnt know either, then it would be a good idea for him to talk to them and find out exactly how you caused them pain, what it is about you that they are *that* against you, to even ostracize their own son.

 

I know for the girl my bf left me for...his step-mom and dad feel she is dangerous, two of his sisters flat out hate her. They are civil to her though, but they were never happy with her because of how their relationship developed at my expense and how much it hurt me. I still have an incredibly close relationship with his family, completely separate of any relationship (or lack thereof as hes made clear..hah!) with him.

 

His sister who hosts the holidays every year even made it clear to me back when they were still together (though now it seems they still are...but I digress) that my daughter and I are welcome to her home to spend the holidays, as is my ex, unless he brings her with him...that she doesnt want her in her house or even to be in the same room with her.

 

The reason I go into all that is cause all the stuff they said about you, is pretty much exactly the same things they said about her. For all you know, it could have something to do with something that isnt all *you* but circumstances before you that is causing a rift with you in the picture. How long have the two of you been together?

[D-Lish]

I had a horrible MIL. It started out with her having an issue with me not being catholic, then progressed to her thinking I was stealing her son, my entire relationship with him was fraught with drama because his family was so controlling.

 

I was never anything but nice to them, but there came a point where I refused to go to their house anymore because his mother was so nasty.

 

You're lucky that your SO actually stands up to them. My ex never stood up to his mother, he was too afraid of her. That ultimately put a rift between him and I, because he was more content to hide and let the drama slide, and he often left me alone rather than stand up to his mother.

 

Just be thankful that your SO actually defends your relationship, it's good that he's capable of doing that.

[Blonde4u]

All I can say is be greatful go read my post I need advice on about my bf...

[jen_r]

I had a horrible MIL. It started out with her having an issue with me not being catholic, then progressed to her thinking I was stealing her son, my entire relationship with him was fraught with drama because his family was so controlling.

 

I was never anything but nice to them, but there came a point where I refused to go to their house anymore because his mother was so nasty.

 

You're lucky that your SO actually stands up to them. My ex never stood up to his mother, he was too afraid of her. That ultimately put a rift between him and I, because he was more content to hide and let the drama slide, and he often left me alone rather than stand up to his mother.

 

Just be thankful that your SO actually defends your relationship, it's good that he's capable of doing that.

 

This is the first time he's stood up to them though and he seems to be caving. His family is not backing down and I believe they will shun him for as long as it takes for him to apologize. And apologize for what I'm not sure, the email maybe? His family has caused a HUGE ruft between us and he is getting tired of it and I can see me being broken up with (again) for his family.

[jen_r]

Wow... I guess I would discuss what it is that they percieve youve done to cause pain... If you have no idea what they are talking about, maybe your bf knows? And if he doesnt know either, then it would be a good idea for him to talk to them and find out exactly how you caused them pain, what it is about you that they are *that* against you, to even ostracize their own son.

 

 

The reason I go into all that is cause all the stuff they said about you, is pretty much exactly the same things they said about her. For all you know, it could have something to do with something that isnt all *you* but circumstances before you that is causing a rift with you in the picture. How long have the two of you been together?

 

The pain I have caused is simply just what I said, I guess their feelings got extremely hurt when I didn't want to do the lunch dates and because I'm not overly talkative. So the PAIN is the pain they've inflicted on themselves because they want my BF to break up with me and he won't, so they see me as causing the fight between the fam and my bf.

 

We've been together for 2 years (this last year has been rough though, major fights between us because of his family).

[jen_r]

All I can say is be greatful go read my post I need advice on about my bf...

 

What are you talking about, be grateful? Your post is about your bf avoiding a friggin question. I'd say thats minor.

[GorillaTheater]

What are you talking about, be grateful? Your post is about your bf avoiding a friggin question. I'd say thats minor.

 

Except the question concerns whether he's cheated, so depending on the circumstances maybe not so minor. But anyways, I'd say you have at least two things to be grateful for:

 

1) An SO who's willing to stand up for you against his family, and

 

2) Assuming they're as nuts as you portray, the strong likelihood that they'll not be a direct part of your life. How I wished my MIL shunned me ...

 

I mean, honestly, does it bother you that you're being shunned by the Addams family, or does it come as something of a relief?

[ReturnToSender]

The pain I have caused is simply just what I said, I guess their feelings got extremely hurt when I didn't want to do the lunch dates and because I'm not overly talkative. So the PAIN is the pain they've inflicted on themselves because they want my BF to break up with me and he won't, so they see me as causing the fight between the fam and my bf.

 

We've been together for 2 years (this last year has been rough though, major fights between us because of his family).

 

That is truly ridiculous, didnt occur to me that would be *the* source of pain cause its so lame. I mean its one thing if they just felt like you didnt want to be around them or something, I could see how theyd feel that way since your not talkative with them or spend time with them, but to take it to the level of outright hatred and being upset he wont break it off with you..thats ludicrous.

 

I guess it would be something that if you plan to stay with him and make a life with him, would really need to be resolved. On both sides actually..like it would be something for you to figure out why you arent talkative with them or want to spend time with his mom. Like, my ex-bfs mom is *the* perfect image of the overbearing jewish mother. To the T! I swear shes like Coztansas mom on Siefield, on a good day! LoL And yeah she has her opinions about how I do things, but shes like that with all her kids...shes treating me like family and its her own way of showing she cares and loves me too...it just comes with the territory so I dont let any of it get to me and I really do have a great time with her. (Yes, I still see her for brunch and girly spa days even though the ex and I broke up...)

 

Otherwise, like they may take you not being talkative esp after 2 years of knowing them that you just didnt like them anyway...and thats a catch 22, cause what prolly started off as just shyness on your end, turned into just not wanting to be around them cause of how they treat you due to misinterpreting your shyness as being stand-offish to them.

 

So yeah, its somethign where both sides would need to make the effort...you letting them know that you are open to a relationship with them, and can be comfortable enough to hold a convo with them and be around them and be friendly, and them to let go of their anger and see you as the woman their son loves and is in a relationship with, to get to know you on that level too.

Edited November 16, 2010 by ReturnToSender

[Trinity2]

a tad on the crazy side.

 

I'll give some backround on this situation first. His family hates me. For small unmentionable reasons. (ie, not doing lunch dates with his mother because I didn't feel like getting the 3rd degree & being grilled about my life, not being overly talkative, apparantly for not having manners??) They despise me and do not want their son to be with me. So, for the past 6 months his family has not even known about us seeing each other.

 

Fast forward to now. I sent his mother an email 3 weeks ago saying that me & her son had been seeing each other and would like to make ammends and bury the hatchett and put past all the ~drama. She doesn't respond to me, she responds to him saying "What the F**K? You are seeing Jen again? This person who has caused so much pain in our lives!!!!! She is NOT welcome in our family. If you would like to be with her, then you are not welcome in the family either." She's a bit over-dramatic. All the pain I've caused? Not even sure what she's talking about. So my bf sends her a 2 page email saying how he doesn't want her controlling his life anymore and forcing him to make her decisions and that he is a grown man capable of making his own choices and that he is tired of having consequences for everything he does. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and she never responded. His father sends him an email saying "If you don't apologize to your mother, she will not even discuss your email." He says he will not apologize. He realizes he has to take a stand now or they will forever continue to treat him like the black sheep. So, this morning he gets a text from his father saying "Since it seems you refuse to apologize to my wife, you have till next weekend to remove your car from our garage and pay for storage for it, or else we will have it towed."

 

You guys have a headache yet?!

 

His family is very over-bearing and manipulative. How should we/he deal with this situation? He wants things to be okay between himself and his family but, he is not willing to back down and it seems neither is his mother. His whole family has black listed him for the past 2 1/2 weeks and won't speak to him.

Then theres the situation where if they actually find a way to smooth things out - how will we be able to be together when they won't even support out relationship or even consider talking with me?

 

Has anyone everrrr had to deal with difficult in-laws?

 

I know this might sound strange (and btw his parents are controlling), but do his parents have a reason to behave like this? It almost sounds like he might have had some past gf's that were less than desireable. Could this be the case?

[craw]

Hmmm ouch difficult

Edited November 17, 2010 by craw
oops

[curiousnycgirl]

I have never had to deal with inlaws like this, but my parents are like this - so yes I get it. I would strongly suggest that your bf take control of his life RIGHT now and NOT cave.

 

He should send a response email to his father, copying the entire family, since they all appear to be taking the mother's side, stating he will be by to collect his vehicle and pay the storage fees at such and such time. That he regrets the decision the family is taking, that he wants it to be very clear that it is THEIR decision not his to cut all ties. That he will remain open to any/all conciliatory communication anyone wants to attempt - but that everyone needs to keep in mind that wounds do have a tendency to fester - and that the longer this goes on the more regretable the ramifications are likely to be. That while this is not his choice he will respect everyone's wishes and stay away from the family and leave everyone alone - he should end it with a wish for a very happy holiday season.

 

What he is doing is showing that he will not be bullied - he needs to live by what he writes. It will be painful, it will take time (perhaps years) but it will scare the poop out of his mother - I promise! At some point she will realize that her idle threats will not get her what she wants (his bowing to her will) - the last time my mother did it - I was gone for 3 years. She'll never do it again.

[jen_r]

 

2) Assuming they're as nuts as you portray, the strong likelihood that they'll not be a direct part of your life. How I wished my MIL shunned me ...

 

I mean, honestly, does it bother you that you're being shunned by the Addams family, or does it come as something of a relief?

 

It doesn't bother me at all that I am being shunned by them and wouldn't have to deal with them in my life, but it bothers my BF and he wants a GF that his family is going to love and want around. I told him with the way his mother is, I don't think you could ever bring home the right girl. She broke up his last relationship before me.

[jen_r]

That is truly ridiculous, didnt occur to me that would be *the* source of pain cause its so lame. I mean its one thing if they just felt like you didnt want to be around them or something, I could see how theyd feel that way since your not talkative with them or spend time with them, but to take it to the level of outright hatred and being upset he wont break it off with you..thats ludicrous.

 

I guess it would be something that if you plan to stay with him and make a life with him, would really need to be resolved. On both sides actually..like it would be something for you to figure out why you arent talkative with them or want to spend time with his mom. Like, my ex-bfs mom is *the* perfect image of the overbearing jewish mother. To the T! I swear shes like Coztansas mom on Siefield, on a good day! LoL And yeah she has her opinions about how I do things, but shes like that with all her kids...shes treating me like family and its her own way of showing she cares and loves me too...it just comes with the territory so I dont let any of it get to me and I really do have a great time with her. (Yes, I still see her for brunch and girly spa days even though the ex and I broke up...)

 

Otherwise, like they may take you not being talkative esp after 2 years of knowing them that you just didnt like them anyway...and thats a catch 22, cause what prolly started off as just shyness on your end, turned into just not wanting to be around them cause of how they treat you due to misinterpreting your shyness as being stand-offish to them.

 

So yeah, its somethign where both sides would need to make the effort...you letting them know that you are open to a relationship with them, and can be comfortable enough to hold a convo with them and be around them and be friendly, and them to let go of their anger and see you as the woman their son loves and is in a relationship with, to get to know you on that level too.

 

Lol, theyre Jewish. Does that explain things? haha. I am more than willing to sit down with her and his whole family and talk things out and apologize for the miscommunications. But they are not budging, don't want a thing to do with me or mine & my bf's relationship. I've written two emails and I just don't see this going anywhere. I tried to tell her that if this is the road she chooses to take, excommunicating us, then shes going to miss out on a big part of her sons life. Doesn't seem like she gives a hoot.

[jen_r]

I have never had to deal with inlaws like this, but my parents are like this - so yes I get it. I would strongly suggest that your bf take control of his life RIGHT now and NOT cave.

 

He should send a response email to his father, copying the entire family, since they all appear to be taking the mother's side, stating he will be by to collect his vehicle and pay the storage fees at such and such time. That he regrets the decision the family is taking, that he wants it to be very clear that it is THEIR decision not his to cut all ties. That he will remain open to any/all conciliatory communication anyone wants to attempt - but that everyone needs to keep in mind that wounds do have a tendency to fester - and that the longer this goes on the more regretable the ramifications are likely to be. That while this is not his choice he will respect everyone's wishes and stay away from the family and leave everyone alone - he should end it with a wish for a very happy holiday season.

 

What he is doing is showing that he will not be bullied - he needs to live by what he writes. It will be painful, it will take time (perhaps years) but it will scare the poop out of his mother - I promise! At some point she will realize that her idle threats will not get her what she wants (his bowing to her will) - the last time my mother did it - I was gone for 3 years. She'll never do it again.

 

I have told him that this will take time and that I know for a fact his mother will miss him sooner or later and want to reconcile. I HOPE he stays strong and doesn't cave in and apologize, but I know with the Thanksgiving coming that he really wants to spend time with his family.

The latest of the email wars is that he sent his father an email saying he would be by to get his car and that he will make alternate plans for Thanksgiving and that they can explain to everyone why they have abandoned their son. The dad replies - You are self-righteous and stubborn! A simple apology would solve all of this! We have not abandoned you, you have stated in your email that you are an adult and you want to make your own choices. You are making this choice.

 

Ugh, I feel so bad for my BF because he so distraught over this. But for his OWN good, he needs to just hold his ground or else he really needs to just learn to be okay with being controlled by his mom.

[curiousnycgirl]

Lol, theyre Jewish.

 

Yes I knew that - so are mine.

 

I am more than willing to sit down with her and his whole family and talk things out and apologize for the miscommunications. But they are not budging, don't want a thing to do with me or mine & my bf's relationship. I've written two emails and I just don't see this going anywhere. I tried to tell her that if this is the road she chooses to take, excommunicating us, then shes going to miss out on a big part of her sons life. Doesn't seem like she gives a hoot.

 

Won't help - they won't listen and they won't believe you. What she is doing has always worked for her, and for others before her. She expects him to cave - case closed. The only way she will learn is if he actually stays strong and she suffers the consequences of her actions.

 

Of course the flip side is that he will suffer as well. He will also gain strength that he would otherwise never ever know he had. Their relationship will never be the same. If he stays strong, she will regret her actions in many, many more ways than you can possibly elaborate for her now - I promise you.

 

I have been living this nightmare for literally 27 years. It still ebbs and flows for me. At the moment I am not speaking with my mother at all - haven't in a few months now - thankfully this time it happened without all the drama of the past. I am going through a tough time, she was not able to be supportive, so I simply said I cannot have you adding to my stress, I'll let you know when it's safe - later!

 

Feel free to pm me if I can be of more detailed help.

[curiousnycgirl]

The latest of the email wars is that he sent his father an email saying he would be by to get his car and that he will make alternate plans for Thanksgiving and that they can explain to everyone why they have abandoned their son. The dad replies - You are self-righteous and stubborn! A simple apology would solve all of this! We have not abandoned you, you have stated in your email that you are an adult and you want to make your own choices. You are making this choice.

 

Ok he is doing pretty well - but he needs to cut the drama out of his notes. He should respond to his father thanking him for the derrogatory name calling (self righteous), agree that yes he is an adult who has chosen Jen_R as his partner and that he is indeed quite sorry that his parents have chosen to irrationally dislike her and forbidden his participation in family events due to his association with her. So yes for that he is very sorry. He should end the note asking if perhaps he misunderstood the earlier notes - stating such vs. simply needing to apologize - and wishing them all the best.

 

XXOO

 

NO MORE DRAMA. No why have you foresaken me, none of that.

 

FYI my parents pulled the same crap when I was dating my most recent ex (for 6 years) who was not jewish. I told them it was their perogative to invite him or not, but I would be wherever he was - simple as that. While they truly did not like him (Snobby Park Avenue Jews vs. Guy from Wisconsin who grew up hunting) they were always very nice to him - even referred to him as part of the family. But practically threw a party when they realized that he crossed a line with me and while I love him there was no way I was going to get back together with him! So I promise I really know what I'm talking about!

[ReturnToSender]

Lol, theyre Jewish. Does that explain things? haha. I am more than willing to sit down with her and his whole family and talk things out and apologize for the miscommunications. But they are not budging, don't want a thing to do with me or mine & my bf's relationship. I've written two emails and I just don't see this going anywhere. I tried to tell her that if this is the road she chooses to take, excommunicating us, then shes going to miss out on a big part of her sons life. Doesn't seem like she gives a hoot.

 

Yup, that explains everything LoL!!! Oh but I love my Jewish family...my ex's mom is even always teaching me Yiddish so that when I get mad at him I can tell him off good and proper And yeah...through the years I have witnessed many a dramatic episode in his family...they are all hard-headed, including my ex, and even me. Hes been disowned....hes disowned them...so on so forth...since Ive known him its been like that.

 

As a matter of fact, at this moment there is a family emergency going on, and they called me, not him because *insert rant about him here*. And when I called him to let him know, he appreciated that I told him, but said its a good thing they didnt contact him cause *insert rant about his family here*

 

At first I just figured going to have to be able to deal with it if I want to be with him, cause thats his fam. But I really did grow to love them, and we're still family even if I never have anything to do with my ex again. Besides, my family is crazy too...

[jen_r]

Ok he is doing pretty well - but he needs to cut the drama out of his notes. He should respond to his father thanking him for the derrogatory name calling (self righteous), agree that yes he is an adult who has chosen Jen_R as his partner and that he is indeed quite sorry that his parents have chosen to irrationally dislike her and forbidden his participation in family events due to his association with her. So yes for that he is very sorry. He should end the note asking if perhaps he misunderstood the earlier notes - stating such vs. simply needing to apologize - and wishing them all the best.

 

XXOO

 

NO MORE DRAMA. No why have you foresaken me, none of that.

 

FYI my parents pulled the same crap when I was dating my most recent ex (for 6 years) who was not jewish. I told them it was their perogative to invite him or not, but I would be wherever he was - simple as that. While they truly did not like him (Snobby Park Avenue Jews vs. Guy from Wisconsin who grew up hunting) they were always very nice to him - even referred to him as part of the family. But practically threw a party when they realized that he crossed a line with me and while I love him there was no way I was going to get back together with him! So I promise I really know what I'm talking about!

 

 

Like, the situation here is weird. Let me try to give more details. They are overly sensitive and take everything personally. Before me and my BF met, his parents invited my parents over for dinner. (We have summer houses near each other and his family was newish to the association, so his family was making efforts to make friends) So, my parents went to dinner over their house and the mom was all "I know you have a daughter my sons age, you should bring her the next time you come over." So, I went, we hit it off, blah blah, everything was great. My parents didn't really have to much in common with them, so they didn't exactly LOVE hanging out with them, but they did every so often. But each time our mothers got talking all my BF's mother wanted to do was talk about me & her son. What we were doing, where we had been that day, what we had done the night before...etc. And my mom was like "I don't keep tabs on Jen and I don't keep tabs what she's up to in her personal life. We can talk, but I'd prefer to not just speak about what the kids are up to." His mother turns around to my BF and says "We are done with them, we don't see any need to speak with them anymore if they don't want to talk about you guys." Thats just an example of how...childish they are. I know stereotypically jewish mothers are over-bearing and difficult but I feel like I am dealing with the something more. A part of me really feels that if my BF was to truly cut ties with his fam, that his mother would have no problem banishing him from the family for good, because she see's this act of standing up for himself as turning his back on her.

 

I don't see a way for me to ever be "good" with them. And, i fear my BF will break up with me for his family. He has already broken up with me a few times over it, but then realizes he loves me and...he doesn't even know what to do about this anymore. It's so friggin stressful.

Edited November 17, 2010 by jen_r

[curiousnycgirl]

Thats just an example of how...childish they are. I know stereotypically jewish mothers are over-bearing and difficult but I feel like I am dealing with the something more.

 

Nah not over the top - just typical.

 

A part of me really feels that if my BF was to truly cut ties with his fam, that his mother would have no problem banishing him from the family for good, because she see's this act of standing up for himself as turning his back on her.

 

Because that is exactly what it is. Make no mistake in most jewish homes the mother is the head of household. They may let the father think he is the boss - but he is not. The kabbalah (jewish mystism) actually substantiates this as fact. The question is what they do with that power, do they use it for good or evil. Some are self serving socio paths (like mine and yoru bf's) others are what we call "Ayshet Chayals" who are wonderful giving caring women - which is sort of like a jewish June cleaver who when she is done cleaning the house, making the meals, sewing the clothes, etc then goes out and does Mother Therese type activities - you get the picture.

 

I don't see a way for me to ever be "good" with them. And, i fear my BF will break up with me for his family. He has already broken up with me a few times over it, but then realizes he loves me and...he doesn't even know what to do about this anymore. It's so friggin stressful.

 

Ah this is because you are young and short sighted. The entire balance of power shifts when the children settle down, get married and yes reproduce! Once there are grandchildren - fully and totally controlled by the children that were once cast out - the tune changes. I know that seems like the distant future, but it is not. It is also why it is very critical for your bf to set boundaries NOW, so that once he reaches that point - he will be in control then.

 

Good luck Grasshoppers

Edited November 17, 2010 by curiousnycgirl

[jen_r]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ah this is because you are young and short sighted. The entire balance of power shifts when the children settle down, get married and yes reproduce! Once there are grandchildren - fully and totally controlled by the children that were once cast out - the tune changes. I know that seems like the distant future, but it is not. It is also why it is very critical for your bf to set boundaries NOW, so that once he reaches that point - he will be in control then.

 

Good luck Grasshoppers

 

Ah, I guess only time will tell. Guess I'll let you know when he inevitably caves . I just want everything to be kosher! haha. We both just want peace at this point.

[curiousnycgirl]

LOL yup I'm still trying to achieve peace in my life. all I can advise is if you love him, and if he's a good guy, then stand by your man. There is nothing worse than knowing your mother is so evil that she chases your SOs' away. I've only had 3 SO's in my life.

 

The first died during the engagement - I swear he was my intended. The second couldn't handle my mother. The last well he just ended up being way too selfish for any woman - but he did find my mother, actually my whole family, to be way more than a challenge. The only thing that prevented him from running for the hills is that I severely limit the time I spend with them.

 

Good luck!

[Brandi 2]

It sounds to me like you don't fit their mold. You be you, as long as you are true to form (being you), the who cares what anyone thinks of you:)