Friends with Benefits and a Threesome

[mizm89]

So I've been friends with benefits with this guy for about two months now. He's a really great guy, we're dating in every aspect, he even considers me his girlfriend but we can't date because he has a girlfriend that is in school in a different country and they are going to get back together when she moves back to the country in two years. He's moving out of state in a month, and we plan on staying in contact and spending time together when he comes back from school on breaks and holidays. He told me he's been getting pretty bored with our sex life and I keep suggesting new ideas but he said no to each one but the possibility of a threesome. Since then we've been getting closer and spending more time together. Today we met the girl that is interested in a threesome with us and we are both on the fence about it. I am bi, so I really don't mind. My issue is my feelings with him. I don't want him to be having sex with her in front of me, and we've agreed to a don't ask don't tell policy with our other partners (I'm still spending time with my ex, and just casually dating other guys, he isn't but he doesn't like that I am.) My concern is that if I tell him that I don't want them to have sex in front of me he will call the whole thing off and things will go back to the way we were.

I'm also not sure if she knows that we are friends with benefits, she asked us why we didn't live together, how long we've been together and how we met.

I've read many times that threesomes should be for people that just want to experiment and not to spice things up. I've basically decided that once he leaves I'm going to be done with him because I don't want to attach myself more to someone that is unavailable. If anyone could give me advice on how to approach the threesome, (I still would like to give it a shot, but there are some things that I am not comfortable with them doing, but I don't want him to call me out because we aren't together and I don't have the place to tell him not to do things even though we both agreed to set ground rules with her) and any advice on the situation as a whole (I have feelings for him, he has feelings for me but he knows that he is going to be with the girl in another country in the future but he is the only stress relief that I have in my life and the only thing that isn't complicated or full of drama) I would really appreciate it! Thanks!

Edited November 15, 2010 by mizm89

[hipchick]

The thing about FWB relationships and threesomes is that they’re both really for the sexually indulgent who can remain and emotionally detached.

 

Not long ago, I engaged in a threesome while in a 2 year FWB relationship, which by coincidence, ended only last week. Anyway, while the FWB relationship and the threesome, in themselves, were two experiences that I don’t necessarily regret, it was a mistake to have merged the two. Me and my FWB discussed in advance, what we would do and how far we would go during the threesome; but, the encounter took on a life of its own and went beyond expectations… he had sex with her as I watched… I withdrew from participation… and I came away from the experience feeling jealous and hurt. Such feelings go contrary to the FWB “open door” concept, I know. But, we can’t always control the way we feel. And, when attachments and emotions emerge when they’re not supposed to… as in FWB relationships… the dynamics become very emotionally complex.

 

So, if emotions and feelings are as non-existent as commitment and fidelity, and if you can mentally separate the sex act with the emotional attachments that ordinarily complement human sexuality, stay in the FWB relationship and try the threesome. But, if there’s a hint of affection and love, avoid the threesome; and, while you’re at it, you might want to rethink the whole FWB arrangement.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'd have a look at the FWB situation first before looking into a threesome. From what you've written, you're already attached to him and this defeats the point of an FWB. I think if you continue along this path, when his girlfriend does get home, or he goes away you're going to be left heartbroken. Maybe you ought to distance yourself from this?

 

That's just a thought. But, if you want to go ahead with the threesome then I guess the best way to go about that is to really sit and discuss what you both hope to get from it, what are your desires and such, and boundaries. What you would not be comfortable with, a 'word' that means 'stop' in case you feel the need to. You must both be completely honest and open about your expectations and intentions.

 

The thing is, he probably will want to have sex with her. Are you prepared to deal with that and all it entails? It sounds to me like you really don't want the FWB thing, you want him, but are maybe settling for whatever you can get? We've all done it, no biggie, but don't settle for less than what you want ever.

[mizm89]

I have been trying to distance myself from him. We've been spending less time together because I am shifting my focus from him to work and my degree. I did talk to him about having sex with her and told him that I am not comfortable with it, and he understood. He said he is uncomfortable when I talk about having the times I had sex with my ex while I was spending time with both of them, so to see me having sex with another male would upset him, but not with another female. When I spoke to her about it she seemed like she wasn't really interested in having sex with him anyways, she was more interested in trying new things with a woman. He has never been involved in a threesome and wants to know what it is like and she has never been with a woman and is curious to see what it is like. She has also expressed interest in being with me without him. We are going to meet up tomorrow again and set out some more details as to what we all want out of this and any kind of motives that we have for doing this. I wanted to talk to him about my motives before we all sat down and spoke because if he gets upset about them or I get upset about them I would rather her not be involved in the conversation, but he really didn't understand that. When he and I first started being FWB it was more about the physical and not about the emotional, but now we both are developing feelings for each other, but we cannot act on them because of his girlfriend. I know I am settling for what I can get because it seems to be just that, what I can get at the moment.

[mitchell]

Since you don't have any long term plans with this guy, and she seems more interested in you, this could play out as a wonderful experience. Lay out the ground rules that you don't want him doing her in front of you.

 

If you are trying to spice things up, imagine him doing you while you go down on her or kissing you, etc.. It's pretty hot, and you will be the one getting most of the attention.

 

I say go for it!

[mizm89]

He and I talked about it again today, she for some reason didn't want to meet up with us and he doesn't agree with him not doing her so I basically just called the threesome off.

As for he and I. I am so confused. I know now that he really doesn't have any regards to my feelings and whatever he said to me was basically total bull**** I really don't care about that. I'm not the kind of person that minds getting walked on and used, I really just care about still seeing him. I know that I shouldn't keep how my feelings have deepened from him but I really don't want to lose him at this point, I'm not sure what would be worse just hurting now from the pain of losing him or hurting later from the pain of him moving.

[hipchick]

It'll hurt either way... I recommend weaning yourself from the relationship, now!

Edited November 19, 2010 by hipchick

[spiderowl]

I'm a bit baffled here. You have this friend with benefits, well, for only two months so you don't really know him that well yet, and he's already saying he's bored with your sex life? I'm completely at a loss as to why you say he's a "great guy". There's nothing great about a guy who is complaining about what you are giving to him and then wants to bring someone else in on it too. I don't think I could think of a nice word to describe this guy. Are you sure you want someone like this in your life?

 

Despite seemingly seeing you as his girlfriend, he's offered no commitment whatsoever. He's got a girlfriend elsewhere (who presumably knows nothing about his fwb arrangement) and he's moving out of state shortly.

 

I'm not sure why you are still seeing your ex and dating others, whether it's because you know there's no hope with the fwb guy or because you prefer casual relationships yourself. I'm not getting the impression though that the fwb guy is looking for more than casual.

 

Do you really want to give a threesome a shot or are you being pressured into it? If you want to, then it's up to you to set the rules you would be happy with. No doubt the others will have their likes/dislikes too.

 

I guess my whole feeling about this situation is that you want there to be a stronger attachment and commitment with him and you really don't want this extra person being dragged into it. How would he react if you simply said no, you don't want a threesome. Are you afraid of his response? What are you afraid of? If he's the kind of guy who would drop you because you won't cooperate with making his fantasies come true, then he's not worth it. Your feelings matter, not just his! Quite frankly, if a guy suggested that our sex life was boring, he would be out of my life in an instant. A guy who is attracted to you and interested in you will not be continually looking for novelty, he'll simply be thrilled to be with you.

[airplane]

Don't get into something like a 3 some unless you can walk away without regets. I've done both, MWM & WMW; plus with the 2 women there was the combo of them together while watching and doing.

 

The MWM was the most fun ...

 

airplane

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I've been friends with benefits with this guy for about two months now. He's a really great guy, we're dating in every aspect, he even considers me his girlfriend but we can't date because he has a girlfriend that is in school in a different country and they are going to get back together when she moves back to the country in two years. He's moving out of state in a month, and we plan on staying in contact and spending time together when he comes back from school on breaks and holidays. He told me he's been getting pretty bored with our sex life and I keep suggesting new ideas but he said no to each one but the possibility of a threesome. Since then we've been getting closer and spending more time together. Today we met the girl that is interested in a threesome with us and we are both on the fence about it. I am bi, so I really don't mind. My issue is my feelings with him. I don't want him to be having sex with her in front of me, and we've agreed to a don't ask don't tell policy with our other partners (I'm still spending time with my ex, and just casually dating other guys, he isn't but he doesn't like that I am.) My concern is that if I tell him that I don't want them to have sex in front of me he will call the whole thing off and things will go back to the way we were.

I'm also not sure if she knows that we are friends with benefits, she asked us why we didn't live together, how long we've been together and how we met.

I've read many times that threesomes should be for people that just want to experiment and not to spice things up. I've basically decided that once he leaves I'm going to be done with him because I don't want to attach myself more to someone that is unavailable. If anyone could give me advice on how to approach the threesome, (I still would like to give it a shot, but there are some things that I am not comfortable with them doing, but I don't want him to call me out because we aren't together and I don't have the place to tell him not to do things even though we both agreed to set ground rules with her) and any advice on the situation as a whole (I have feelings for him, he has feelings for me but he knows that he is going to be with the girl in another country in the future but he is the only stress relief that I have in my life and the only thing that isn't complicated or full of drama) I would really appreciate it! Thanks!

 

 

I think you are already too attached to him. Why else would you not want to (have to) watch them boink???

 

 

IF indeed you can (honestly) feel that you will have no trouble detatching from him, and will go about your life comfortably, then have the threesome, let them boink in front of you, and press on through life.

 

Otherwise, you are sorta 'hooked' by this guy.