The first step is always the hardest one to take

[scaredandalone1223]

I have been posting on the separation/ divorce section for a week or so now. Basically after 13, often LONG, years of marriage my husband recently moved out. He didn't so much leave me as I told hiim to go. I told him there was no way to fix our marriage and it was over. Two weeks in I REGRETTED it heart and soul! We have had good times and bad times, but always worked through them. I should say HE worked through them. The harder he worked the more I asked for. It wasn't until he left and I had to take a long hard look in the mirror that I realized I needed to work on myself. We are starting MC and it is my true desire for us to reconcile, but it's going to be a long road. The first week I did a lot of crying, by the end of the second week I was begging, I was barely getting out of bed and only yo take care of the children and I wasn't eating. I did a lot of soul searching then, so it wasn't all bad. The crying has stopped, the begging too...he knows how I feel and we're moving from there, I'm eating again and haven't been going back to bed after I drop the kids off for school...PROGRESS! I realized I want more than anything to fight for our marriage and succeed! Now why I'm here. My main two focus areas are 1) showing appreciation and 2) selfishness. He truly is a great guy, he does have his faults, but he's ALWAYS been faithful, takes up time with the kids, is an excellent provider, doesn't really drink, doesn't go 'out with the guys' and always give me anything in his power I asked for. He didn't like to go out much and this was always a stumbling block for us. Not that I wanted to go out to bars all the time, but I did enjoy a night on the town now and then, him not so much. I have come to realize it was my way of 'returning tio my youth'. We got married and had our first child at 20 and our 2nd @ 26. So I NEVER did anything throughout my 20's. Instead of 'growing up' and appreciating what we had and the life we had built for ourselves I wanted to relive my youth I guess. Now that I have that chance I know w/o him beside me I want no part of it. So I'm looking for 1) ways to show everyday appreciation and gratitude 2) learning how to accept no for an answer 3)ways to make sure my husband knows he is 1st 4) overcoming the desire to want more and more and more wihout stepping up to the plate to give. ALL my friends say I'm the most selfless, generous person they know so they don't understand how I can treat them one way and be different at home. So I know I know HOW to do it, but I tend to take my husband for granted. I don't mean to,but I do. ANY advice, insight, guidance, websites, etc. that anyone can offer wouldbe greatly appreciated. My husband hasn't closed the door on us, but has made it clear he needs to see some changes before he moves back. For the FIRST time in my life I'm ready to start making those changes I just don't know where to begin.

[Autumn_Zephyr]

I've been reading some of your posts and I'm confused. Just how are you taking you husband for granted? And how is going to a trip when he waffled on you going not going, breaking his trust? The whole 'you went on a trip after I told you that you could go, but you should have known, and read my mind; that I didn't really want you to go and you should have stayed home'; sounds fishy to me. No one is a mind reader and no one should be expected to be one.

[josie54]

I have been posting on the separation/ divorce section for a week or so now. Basically after 13, often LONG, years of marriage my husband recently moved out. He didn't so much leave me as I told hiim to go. I told him there was no way to fix our marriage and it was over. Two weeks in I REGRETTED it heart and soul!

 

... My husband hasn't closed the door on us, but has made it clear he needs to see some changes before he moves back. For the FIRST time in my life I'm ready to start making those changes I just don't know where to begin.

 

 

If your husband is still willing to entertain the idea of reconciliation, even after everything it sounds like you put him through (I haven't read your previous posts, so I'm working only with what you've written here), then he has already done his part. You begin by showing him that you've gotten past (or are working to get past) all of the emotional land mines that caused you to drive him away in the first place.

 

Then you ask him what he needs from you to prove that you've changed and can be a good partner to him again. Then you do it. It's as simple as that.

 

Notice I didn't say it was "easy"--pulling ourselves out of deeply ingrained emotional patterns is never easy. But it is simple: 1) Ask him what he wants and needs from you. 2) Work with him, friends, a counselor and/or whoever else can help you to develop the emotional strength to give that to him. 3) Then give it.

 

Sounds like he's incredibly understanding to offer you a second chance. If you feel for him the way you describe here, you'd better make the most of it.