jealousy between girlfriend and boyfriend's sister

[ALISONIL]

I am still having trouble dealing with the break-up of my relationship and have been ruminating constantly about it for the last two months.. I have sought counseling and it's helped a lot but some things are not going away..

 

My ex-boyfriend was very close with his sister.. He called her his best friend. He even lived with her. He would invite her everywhere we went. She would call at least five times on a sunday morning to see what we were doing.. All this got to be too much for me.. His sister and I were both very different people.. She was beautiful, successful, and had lots of friends. I am looking for a a new job and think I am average looking. After a while, I wondering why my ex was still living with her (he was sleeping on her futon in a small studio) when he had a well-paying job. He would never really give me a reason.. Once his sister said that if only one person could take care of her the rest of her life, it would be her brother. I always felt like i was second place and that his sister came first, in terms of doing things with her on the weekend (i mean, he saw her during the week!). I started to dislike her and I felt really bad. I could tell she would be upset if he decided to do something with me rather than drive her to the salon (two blocks from her house!). He would drive her places, write papers for her, book her airline tickets, etc.. sometimes over doing things for me. In addition, she would constantly tell him what to do in my presence. She would say things like, "you smell. change your socks.. take a shower right now." So he would. He would do anything she said. It got to the point, where I thought their relationship was too close and getting int he way of ours (they would take more than once a day). At one point, we had a big fight and I told him I was tired his "incestous," relationship with her and I felt we were in a threesome. I felt those words were harsh and I ended up apologizing.

 

Now that our relationship is over, I still think about his sister and feel bad, even though I disliked her, that she has ill feelings towards me and I know if I saw her, she would bitch me out, because she protects her brother above all else. Sometimes I feel she was the one who came into the middle of our relationship and made things stressed. She would say things like, "yeah don't you think chad drinks too much.. or how can you stay with a guy who doesn't have a job.. or he is thinking of maybe moving out of the country..." She would say things all the time to deter me from him but at the same time write in a christmas card that she was happy i was a part of their family. I don't know why but almost think about her and her feelings towards me, more than chads. It's weird. Am I wrong to think that she was getting in the way? Why can't I stop thinking about what it would be like if I ran into her and what I would say?

[Pregnant lurker]

I don't know why you keep worrying about her -- by what you've written, your feelings seem perfectly justified. She sounds like a control freak who cast a spell over her own brother. It sounds twisted. If anything, you should be glad you got out of the situation. Their relationship doesn't sound normal at all. You are not to blame here, so don't beat yourself up over it. I think a more common problem is having a boyfriend who can't cut the ties with his mom...but the result is the same - three people in a relationship that only fits two.

 

Personally I think if I ran into her I'd ask, "so have you and your brother finally gotten married?"

 

Ick.

[gaia]

This was certainly not a healthy relationship at all. It's not just his sister - he allowed himself to be in the situation too, which says a lot about him. I really think you've made the right decision.