I cheated on my man 3 times and burned his reputation. How to help him heal?

[Yumeni]

Hi there okay I need advice on helping my man of 3 years get over some dumb things I have done;

In the beginning of our relationship. whenever we had problems, instead of telling him how I felt, I spitefully dissed my man to friends about his looks and even sexual skills. Saying things like "He isn't even all that cute" and " I hate the way he.....in bed" Then, I felt that dissing him made me feel better. It was a big joke then but realized it was childish so I stopped.

 

Unfortunately, he read my ICQ chat history and saw everything I wrote and thinks that's how I truly feel about him no matter what reasons I give. To this day,3 years later, he thinks I think he is ugly and sucks in bed! How can I show him that I don't really feel that way about him and that I was just angry and hurtful?

 

That's not it, I have also cheated on him about 3 times during times when our relationship was rocky and I just gave up on him and us. I told him about the affairs but because of the jokes he read on ICQ about him, he thinks I cheated because I wasn't sexually satisfied with him --which is NOT the case! I cheated because I was lonely and needed affection and validation (something I stopped getting from him due to what he "discovered" on my ICQ history )

 

How can I get him to understand why I did what I did without him judging me based on his own perceptions? We are still together to this day but how can I convince him that 1. I do find him attractive 2. that he does please me sexually and 3. that I cheated not because he didn't please me sexually but that I wasn't pleased with the relationship as a whole?

 

Thanks for your patience

[Errol]

And he is still with you!!!???

 

I would be gone. I feel for him.

How can I get him to understand why I did what I did without him judging me based on his own perceptions?

How else can he judge EXCEPT with his own perceptions?

 

You want to earn his trust back (He must love you a lot, or be a total dependent wimp, to have stayed with you all this time) you need to do some serious butt-kissing. Get back on your ICQ and tell everyone that you were wrong and spiteful and childish - in other words, a public apology might be a good start.

 

Discuss why you cheated and how you felt and listen to him when he tells you how he feels --

 

Awe, just get some counseling - I think you would both be better off with some in-person therapy.

[Yumeni]

Hey Errol,

Thanks for your straight up advice. I think that is the best thing for me to do. No he isn't a wimp...he's just in love with me and you know, I don't think I deserve his love either. Hopefully, your advice helps.

[faux]

No he isn't a wimp...he's just in love with me and you know, I don't think I deserve his love either.

 

You were dishonest to this man on several occasions. You betrayed his trust and your relationship. You may very well not be deserving of his love.

 

However, this man sounds like me. He sounds genuinely kind, easily taken advantage of, and always forgiving. If you do regret what you have done and wish to make amends I recommend you do so whole-heartedly.

 

Explain to him why you wronged him. I second the notion of getting therapy involved.

 

Someone did these things to me, the cheating and lying and saying horrible things about my appearance and sexual prowess. She apologized and explained why she did it.

 

I still talk to her, but I do not think her to be a wonderful person at all, and I still think it was wrong of her to do. I do forgive her, but still I do not like her very much or believe she is telling the truth. Realize that the man in your situation has a right to trust you less, or not believe you.

[moimeme]

I cheated not because he didn't please me sexually but that I wasn't pleased with the relationship as a whole?

 

First things first. Have you changed your method of dealing with a relationship that doesn't 'please' you? If next time you are not 'pleased', will you cheat again? If so, tell him to get lost and save him the grief of being with you.

[dyermaker]

I cheated on my man 3 times and burned his reputation. How to help him heal?

Dear God, haven't you done enough?

[Pookette]

I cheated on my man 3 times and burned his reputation. How to help him heal?

 

Leave the poor guy alone. That's the best thing you can do for him.

[Yumeni]

Dyermaker,

 

For a senior member, you give bad advice. I noticed you don't have much to offer some ppl but cynical remarks which aren't called for. Obviously, I know there is a problem which is why I addressed the issue in the first place eh?

 

Everyone else who was mature enough to give earnest and helpful replies...thanx

[dyermaker]

Senior member just means that I've posted over 100 at this community, it was not a title I earned for exceptional advice.

 

In retrospect, it was quite a rude thing to say, although I do maintain that you don't belong in a relationship with someone whom you've so manipulated the boundaries of acceptable behavior.

[yes]

go for counselling together?

 

-yes

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Senior member just means that I've posted over 100 at this community, it was not a title I earned for exceptional advice.

 

 

ROFLMAO!!

 

Now to the original poster.....although it should be a given, when you come to an advice forum such as this, you're open to all kinds of responses and opinions. Or at least you should be. A lot of people (understandably so) are quite appalled with serial-cheaters....and many have been in the shoes of having been cheated on, they know the pain, they have felt the betrayal. Don't be too surprised when you're not getting warm fuzzies for responses. A large part of the posts on these forums are FROM people who've had their hearts broken and lives devastated after finding out they've been cheated on.

 

So, as someone has already asked..you explained WHY you cheated in the past...that things were lacking in your relationship, to you, and you were "lonely, needing affection and validation." So what's different in your relationship NOW? Are you still lonely? Do you feel you're getting the attention and validation you need? What's going to stop you from cheating again?

 

These guys you had flings/affairs with (or one night stands, whatever they were)..how did you meet them...through the computer? personals sites? ICQ?

 

I'll tell you something.......sometimes there are things people say or write, that hurt their partner/loved one....and you just can't ever take them back. Once the damage is done, it's done. That's why you should be impeccably careful as to what you say or write behind your partner's back..because the hurt for them, can last forever. Your guy may never forget what he read. I'm sure he was devastated. If you have a problem with your partner in a relationship, you should talk to them about how you're feeling, not be 2-faced and go around bashing them behind their back. Hopefully you've learned your lesson.

 

The damage may very well be irreparable. Making fun of your boyfriend's looks and abilities in bed is probably about as low as you can go. Frankly, I'm surprised he's stuck around.

[dyermaker]

Just as an addendum, the reason I said it wasn't in typical, "Dear God woman, it couldn't get any worse" type of fashion, but rather literally, you have done irreperable damage.

 

You've damaged his self-esteem, changed the way he looks at himself, and the way he views YOUR relationship with him, and possibly all of the relationships he'll ever have. If he is going to take steps to function in emotional health ever again, you need to be way out of the picture.

[PFPunks]

I'd just like to say that if it werent for people like you, yumeni, a site like this wouldnt have much use. Since I need to give some good advice, I would have to agree with dymaker, ammend the relationship as much as possible and leave him, because you've crushed him and I dont think there is anyway you can repair that. Secondly, as I often feel is necessary(unfortuantly), he'll probably want to show you how much pain you caused him and you'll never be able to trust him because he doesnt trust you.

 

And you dont deserve to be trusted. I dont think you really changed your mind about cheating on him I think you probably just got fat and no one wants you anymore.

 

IM SORRY!!!!! Please forgive me, but people like her are the exact reason I looked up this site.

 

Leave him, you need someone that will treat you the way you treated him.

 

AJ

[priscilla]

I cannot believe that this guy is still with you. Most guys (and women) would never tolerate that crap. What you have said about him behind his back, he will remember for the rest of his life. Was he abused when he was younger? Usually people who have been emotionally or physically abused as children become adults who end up in somewhat similar abusive relationships. That is the only reason I can think of to explain why he is staying with you, or as someone mentioned previously, he is very very wimpy with low self esteem, which you have helped create. The only remedy for this is couples couseling, or break up with him so that he can can give and receive real love and honesty, and you get help to figure out why you said what you did and why you cheated.

[greeniebeanie]

"I cheated on my man 3 times and burned his reputation. How to help him heal?"

 

 

 

I think he should cheat on you 3 times and then dump you, that should heal him.

[lostforwords]

Yumeni: You have bared your soul.... admitted your guilts, your faults, your deceptions, ..... i could not understand why on earth you wouldnt expect to hear the truths from everyone else.... including dyermaker... you want to hear us give you help in convincing him you didnt mean anything you did even if its irrepairable damage?? how about cut the poor guy loose and you seek some form of therapy; hopefully he'll be able to help himself, for something you have done to him. You've done enough damage to this guy, why on earth would anyone offer some sort of help to you to fix his way of thinking in which youve caused in the first place..... and quit blaming him for all of your selfish needs.... until you sit and admit that YOU have done all of this because you were being selfish instead of placing blame on him that he wanst paying you any attention.... id say your relationship is most likely doomed.

[sportsloving]

So you love this man do you?

 

Next time you want to mention his looks or his abilities in bed, (during which I bet he called love making and you made fun of) why don't you try saying those hurtful things straight to his face and that way you can enjoy the pain, misery, grief and low blows you dealt.

 

Cheating once, I can almost understand (although I did it one time and it was the worse mistake I ever made and there isn't a day that goes by that I do not regret the action along with the consequences). I learned, I learned a great deal... obviously you learned nothing. The trust damage is done, how he even talks to you is beyond me... three times.... Have you no control????

 

Give the man a break, let him go, and before you do... YOU tell him that the problem isn't him at all, it would be the one who "loves" him!