reallytrying Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Hello. I am new to this site and I don't go to many forums, but I really do care and need advice. So I'm taking this chance. My wife and I just separated. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs. Prior to marriage, we lived together for 2 yrs. and before becoming involved in a relationship, we were great friends. She recently has started to have doubts about where things might be headed. She told me the (common?) "I love you so much, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you any more." Said she needed space. We are at the second stage of the "love cycle" so the infatuation is gone, but the strong love still exists. One problem is that I think she feels like You're supposed to feel that "intoxicated" feeling forever, which I know research has shown not to be true. All the things she used to find charming are now annoying to her. She said she has tried to "put up" with them, but I don't think that's the right approach at all. Just recently I discovered that I have the power in me to give her that "fairytale" relationship, but She's really shutting me out and stopping communication as much as possible, even claiming that she'll get a restraining order if necessary (which is totally irrational). I just recently started to read all sorts of relationship books to understand why we kept budding heads and I'm now quite positive that we could be extremely happy. We even could be better than we ever dreamed. How can I let her know that I now understand where we're at and why, and that it can be fxed if this is the situation? Also, what are the chances that this separation is going to help if she keeps wondering if she made a mistake and won't come to terms or won't realize that it's one of the natural lulls in the love cycle that if we get through will strengthen our bond. I really want to change for her now, but I just feel so helpless. Like she's going to give up. I'm all ears and open to almost anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Timbo Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 I am going through a separation with my wife at the moment as well. Let her go. There's no magic words, no single gesture, not one thing you can do to change her mind. She has to change it for herself, and the only way that is going to happen is by her being free to do it. Work on YOU, and YOU alone. Don't TALK about change. MAKE change. If she is shutting you out, stopping communication, and even saying that she will restrain you, you had better leave her alone or you can forget any chance that you two may have in the future. Everytime you try to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk, you drive another nail into your coffin. No offense meant, but you need to leave her alone immediately. Let her come to you, or you've got no chance, bud. I'm sorry if I come off as too harsh. My best wishes, Tim Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Timbo has a real good point, Trying... The restraining order threat says a lot. Leave her be for now. Work on you for your own sake. She may (or may not) come back... Link to post Share on other sites
MaryYetGrieving Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Try to get to the root of the problems and feelings that led to a desire to seperate. If you can reach understanding, then you can look for solutions. From that comes effort. Personally, having been seperated just over 6 months, I know how hard it is. Its lonely and a lot of stress. I wish it had never got that far. I can't say what will happen, but if you try and she tries, and you are both open to each other and to help from outside (God, friends, etc.) then you have a chance. Don't squander it. M Link to post Share on other sites
reallytrying Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Having thought things through, I now realize that really, one of the biggest problems was in me. Not that I'm looking to place blame, but it's true. She really had been trying to let me know for a while that I was making some decisions that were, first of all, hurting me and, secondly, hurting our relationship. Yes, we can all benefit from communicating better, but really, I need to learn to listen better. To look deeper behind what she is telling me and not just hear her, but listen to what she is telling me. She doesn't need to be hurt the way I was hurting her and I don't need to hurt myself with the priorities I was so poorly choosing. I know now what I should have realized months ago, and It's up to me to make the biggest difference. I must improve myself before I can attack our relationship. I might not deserve a second chance, but If I ever get it, She'll have been the bigger person and I truly will never allow myself to harm either of us in the way I did again. We are still in the second stage and we both need to make attempts at proving to each other how much we care, but until now, she has been trying a lot harder than I. That's the truth. She made the right decision and, up until now, I just didn't understand that it truly was for the best. The vows we made now mean more to me than ever and my ring is a daily reminder of how much she really does love me. Wish me luck, and I shall forge on. Improving myself in the hopes that one day she will feel comfortable enough to let me back in her life full time, so that I can prove to her what I've been so bad at proving in the past, that I do wan't to dedicate my life, body and soul to her for ever. Thanks again, Reallytrying Even Harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 TAKE IT FROM A WOMAN. FOR WHATEVER REASON, SHE'S DONE. LET IT GO. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL MAKE A DIFFERANCE. SHE SIMPLY FELL OUT OF LOVE. I KNOW ITS HARD TO TAKE AND YOU DONT WANT TO GIVE UP TRYING IF THERE IS STILL A CHANCE. BUT TAKE IT FROM A WOMAN. YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME, AND PROLONGING YOUR AGONY. LET IT GO. THE SOONER THE BETTER! Link to post Share on other sites
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