junipergirl Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 This darned LDR of mine is getting me down at the moment. Usually things are great (not perfect, obviously, but still pretty good considering) but things seem to have taken a bit of a turn for the worse. I went to see him - had a great and fabulous time together until about 1 hour before I set off for the airport, and he told me OUT OF THE BLUE that he can't hack the distance and wants to split up. What?!!?! I say, shocked. Turns out he thinks he can't give me what I need from our relationship (he's a struggling student, no money, no time, needs to work in the holidays). Its true that I am always the one who goes and visits him, and although I knew it bothered him a little, I told him that I could wait till he's finished up and is a rich vet, then he can take me around the world ; ) Well, I spent most of the plane journey home in shock, crying my eyes out, both angry and confused that he'd led me on the whole visit and tells me ONE HOUR before I leave - no time to talk, discuss stuff. Bam! There it was. And I had to go for my plane. There's more... Get home, he calls me and tells me he made a terrible terrible mistake and he should never have said anything. That he was doing what his head was telling him, and ignoring what his heart was saying. I was kinda happy he wanted to get back together (as I obviously didnt want to split in the first place) but also feel a bit lost. The seed of doubt about our relationship has been planted, and I can feel its going to grow out of control... I used to be so positive about our rel, convinced it would all be happily ever after, I even posted many words of encouragement on this board...but now ... I don't know! I guess my main issues are: 1. He's the one in control here - I am happy to work at our rel, he obviously has issues with it that he may think are too big. 2. My certainty that we would be in each other's future has been shattered. Now I am not sure if he wants the same thing I do, if he's not willing to work through our problems. As I said, the seed of doubt has been planted. 3. I know he loves me - but is it enough to make a LD relationship survive? Sorry about the long post - you don;t even have to reply, I just wanted to vent! Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Don't think of it as the seed of doubt, think about it as the seed of reality. I've quoted this once before, but it was so friggin brilliant that I've got to repeat it. Faux was talking about sipping your coffee black. You've got to take your love black. Milk, Cream, Sugar, all that stuff is nice once and a while, but if you take it with extras--how do you know whether it's the extras or whether it's the actual coffee you prefer? If you sip the coffee black, you're knowing for sure whether or not it's good coffee. I hope that made sense when I said it, because it's honestly brilliant. Additionally, don't think of him as in control. You both are in control, of how much you're willing to invest yourself. You ask if love is enough, certainly not. Love is rarely enough to make any healthy decision, cupid's arrow can strike any pair, but it's ultimately the decision of the pair whether or not it's right for them. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 For a person to say something and recant it that quickly means that he's honest about what happened. he thinks he can't give me what I need People who think they may be a 'burden' on you are apt to flee and it seems that's what he was thinking. Sometimes you need to reassure them - a LOT - that they are nothing of the sort. This can be due to unpleasant events in their lives. I don't think you need to doubt him; rather he may well need a bit more from you. Sounds like he's feeling inadequate. I tell people who say those things to me to let me be the one to decide if they're causing me problems rather than make that assumption themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author junipergirl Posted March 9, 2004 Author Share Posted March 9, 2004 Moimeme - thanks for your post and words of encouragement. I'll remember your words for the next time I see him. I truly believe he wants to stay together, but he worked out in his head that the logical thing for him to do was break it off, but as he told me later, it just didnt feel right in his heart. The LDRs that we all are going through are never logical anyway. When I have thought about our relationship before, I never really knew how things were working out - they just were, and I could never put my finger on it. Dyermaker - also thanks for the coffee thing - it is a good analogy but I couldnt quite figure out exactly how it was applicable - something about stripping away all the surface stuff and getting to know the 'real' him? Well, after 2 years of LDR (and not just a coupla visits, I'm talking spending 24 hours a day together for a week or more every 2 months or so) I pretty much feel like I do know him inside and outside. This is why I was pretty shocked, as I thought we were working through our LD issues very well. Anyway, I'll keep you posted Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Originally posted by junipergirl Well, after 2 years of LDR (and not just a coupla visits, I'm talking spending 24 hours a day together for a week or more every 2 months or so) I pretty much feel like I do know him inside and outside. This is why I was pretty shocked, as I thought we were working through our LD issues very well. Your distance is your cream and sugar, that motivates you to treat the limited times you're together as priceless--you fill in the blanks in your head, you've yet to have your coffee black. Link to post Share on other sites
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