Amazing girlfriend, great job, lovely house, fantastic friends...

[sfl]

Cripplingly low confidence. I mean really ****ing bad.

 

It kept me single for a good 3 or 4 years. I wouldn't say I was bad looking, and I wouldn't say I was socially awkward (just a little shy) but for 4 years I was single simply because I figured I wouldn't be good enough for anyone that I liked. I managed to put up a front briefly (just enough to go on a couple of dates with my now girlfriend) but it didn't take long before that started to crumble and all of my insecurities came back to hit me.

 

I constantly focus on the negatives, constantly. My girlfriend will often tell me how lucky she feels and what a great catch I am, yet I constantly just think of all the bad things, and instead of focusing on the things I can offer, I focus on what I can't.

 

I also constantly feel like I'm holding her back, like she'd be so much better off and happier without me. I hate that I mess up her uni work, I hate that I hinder her social life, I hate that she can't get a job because if she did she couldn't ever see me, and I hate that this is always on my mind.

 

Even tiny little things like if she goes out with her friends (which if I'm honest isn't very often at all - again because of me, because she has to work so hard on the week days just to be able to see me), I don't get jealous per se, but it constantly plays on my mind that she's probably having a much better time than she would if she was with me, and I should call it off so she can enjoy herself more.

 

Why can't I concentrate on the good things? The fact she's so happy with me? The fact I've really lucked out and met someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with and she feels the same? The fact that I do actually have a lot to offer... I'm just not even sure what to do any more, but I constantly feel really low and down about it, until I see her or speak to her and realise again how much I mean to her and how stupid I was. And then the next day I'm back to square one again...

 

Sorry for rambling, I'm just really at a loss with this now...

[Eeyore79]

This behaviour is characteristic of low self esteem. You don't like yourself much, so you can't understand why anyone else would like you. You really need to work on improving your self esteem, and stop telling yourself that your gf would be better off without you - that's her decision, not yours.

[sfl]

You are right, thank you - whether or not I'm good enough for her should be up to her and not me, but I still can't help feeling quite worthless, like I'm holding her back, like she'd be happier without me - I know I should just go with the flow, she's happy with me so that should be enough, but why do I always feel like this? Ahh!

 

Not sure if it's the LDR thing but I'm almost quite obsessive too which really isn't healthy. Constantly thinking about her, or wanting to text her. Need to sort myself out because the way I feel now = not good. But if I'm going to be like this in any relationship I may as well do it with someone I really love huh? (but then is it fair to put her through it? hmm!)

Edited November 16, 2010 by sfl

[GorillaTheater]

I think you owe it to yourself to figure out where the crappy self-confidence comes from. Consider using counseling to help, though I don't believe that's a necessity.

 

I had to do this when I was younger, and it started out as a "quest" of sorts to forgive and reconcile with my parents (psycho mom, absent father). As I began to think about it, I realized that my esteem problems (and some other issues like resentment, etc.) stemmed from a childhood that was an emotional mess. I journaled about it, and highly recommend that as a tool. Seems like once it's on paper, it's largely out of your heart. Regaining my confidence had alot to do with forgiveness (my parents did the best they could under the circumstances) and realizing that, whatever happens, I can handle it.

 

I don't know if your story is anything like mine, but it sounds like it's time for a little exploration.

[jsp0448]

hey sfl, i am in the IGSACT same boat that you are. It is really good to know there is someone else going through the same thing. Have you had any luck with it? I am just about ready to break the relationship up even though i think she is the most unreal girl i have ever known. I need some peoples advice... is it better to break it up? this feels really horrible.

 

thanks

[Surrealist]

Sfl to be honest it does sound like she sould be better off without you. Why can't she go out with her friends on occasion? Even if she says something like 'oh it's okay' tell her that you don't want her to feel tied down and would like to see her maintain her girlfriend social life. If trust is a problem, then that is a whole new thread. Truth is, if she is tied down so to speak, and the relationship is young, then yeah, problems will surface sooner or later once the novelty of the relationship wears off.

[Movingthrough]

Hard for me to respond to these things because i know i have issues of my own but honestly man re-read what you wrote. Probably 95 percent of the people on here wish they were in your situation, good girl, house, etc. Its easier said then done with negativity and anxiety but look at your situation its a GOOD one, if not GREAT.

 

Start reading and really concentrating on you, but you need to realize that no matter what you think, you do have things good.

[Cee]

Pessimism and obsessive thoughts can be symptoms of depression. Guilt is also highly associated with depression. You might want to get an evaluation with a counselor. Sometimes depression can feel normal to a person because they are used to it.

 

Also, it might help to get out of the relationship bubble and cultivate friendships. Even if you don't have time to see them, a daily phone call can reduce isolation. Also, a friend is a good sounding board for you to share your fears and insecurities. You may already be doing this, but I thought I might suggest it.