Lovers - "Friends" - Lovers again possible?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

lately i seem to be getting possible mixed vibes from my ex girlfriend...

 

i had a long original post entitled 'reconciliation' a few months back...

 

we were together 4 months and now broken up 3 1/2 months, my head is still fried with the situation and i am finding it very difficult to recover from the breakup as i still have feelings for her, yes i fell in love with her

 

she has always remained in contact with me, asking favours, asking to meet up, texting me asking how i am doing and telling me her news

 

this "friends" situation seems to be somewhat intensifying, the other weekend we were out in the car and went to a few places including the park, she remarked how she missed us going out on daytrips together and then suggested "now that we're friends there is no reason that we can't continue" , i was a bit apprehensive of this as i hate that "friends" remark after being intense lovers

 

then last weekend she asked me to go out again with her for a bike ride and then a facny lunch which i ended up doing, we had a great time together but afterwards my head is full of total depression again at this situation

 

also which i find to be rather bizarre is she asked me to go on holiday with her during summer, which means just us two and probably camping together i.e. sleeping in the same tent!!!

 

i told her "um i don't know about that" which she remarked "you don't sound too enthustiastic"

 

also i have a job interview this week in which she remarked how i should take her out for dinner if i get it and possibly take her on holidays too

 

she also said that she is taking me out to dinner to repay me for the lunch i bought at the weekend!

 

what is going on here? this is strange judging from asking all my friends and family!

 

all i know is that this is not normal and from my previous ex she told me how we will simply not be doing anything together which involves any kind of day out nevermind together!

 

HELP ME!

[lost_in_chgo]

She has reconsidered and it sounds like you are winning.

 

Give it a little more time, and if you are willing let her in a little at a time.

She's probably afraid to admit her mistake and be rejected.

So she wants reassurance that you won't say no to her.

 

Just let things happen.

[white_angelbreath]

Honestly, in the past I was more like your ex-gf. I did that kind of stuff with my ex, but unfortunately we did not get back.

 

At the time when I was going out with my ex and treating him as a friend, I was trying to reconcile to myself if I really wanted him and to committed myself to him. It was the time I actually gave myself space, although I wanted to meet my ex just for his company. I wanted to "test the waters" first to know if I really want to continue the relationship with him.

 

If you really love the girl, just be her friend. Maybe in time she'll be ready to make that commitment to work the relationship out.

 

But if you can't stand the way she's treating you as a friend only, tell her what you feel (in a nice way). At least she knows that you don't want to be treated that way.

[Hannah]

Yes just let things happen and see what happens on this holiday, and even if it doesnt go any where im guessing that is better then having to let go of sumone you loved of love altogether.

good luck

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i have to say i am shocked at the responses here so far as i expected "its completely over", " move on and forget her " etc. etc.

 

i can't say i would go on holiday with her, i would have to know what was her idea of the two of us just going together was all about first otherwise it could be a drastic holiday experience for both of us

 

white_angelbreath... i assume you were the dumper in that relationship, my ex too seems to be giving herself space and just concentrating on herself ever since our breakup... you say "unfortunately we did not get back" , was this because the testing of the waters when you treated him like a friend after your breakup didn't work out the way YOU wanted to or was it your ex bf?

 

just tonight she left another message on my messagephone asking about my latest family trauma ( lucky not too bad ) and asked me to phone her back, when i did she was in bed ( she is an early bird! ) and her housemate answered, it seems surprisingly to me that she has been talking about my latest things in life with them which i found to be strange

 

[white_angelbreath]

I did let go of him. The relationship was not healthy for both of us. I was not sure at first, but by giving it another try, only this time "being friends", it made me think more of whether it is best for us to continue the relationship or not.

 

The essence is not what will happen in the end, but the fact that "maybe the girl is just giving herself time to think about the relationship you both have". This is what I am trying say.

 

Just give her time. "Love is patient, love is kind..." as it goes. Let her think for awhile, just be there to emotionally support her. You'll never know, she might realize your capacity to endure her and give love and support is greater than she ever imagined.

 

Hope doesn't cost a thing.. but it might give you what you want. So hope and never give up the fight. If you love her that much, hope for the better even it means letting go of her when she chooses to go, unless she chooses otherwise.

[monkey]

Brainrightheartwrong, your so lucky, my s/o says were friends, but i don't even get an email, your "friend" wants all these things, wow thats great & i'm so jealous. Who instigated the initial breakup?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i don't really think i'm lucky, the trying to be friends thing is eating me up every time i hear or see her

 

i find it really uncomfortable to even phone her to return one of her calls which i normally don't even do

 

i am not like this with my real friends

 

maybe i'd be lucky if she said to me i never want to see you ever again for anything

 

she broke it off with me monkey

[white_angelbreath]

brainrightheartwrong,

 

i know you really wanted to get back, i mean, to be lovers again with your ex. its possible.. i am also in the same situation as you, i also want my man to get back to me not "being friends" but "being lovers" again.

 

and like you, it's killing me also everyday.

 

do you really "love" her? because if you do, then set her free. isn't it that if you really love the person you have to see what is best for them. Think of what is best for your loved one. What does she most need right now?

 

Or maybe you just want her back because you just want to easen the pain that you felt. Are you think more of your welfare or hers?

 

it is possible that you may get back together. lovers, friends, lovers, yep it is possible. i have heard countless of stories about that...

 

if you really want to get back with her, don't let her know that you need her desperately, that you are begging to get back with her.. it does not look good. just keep it to yourself.

 

just be her friend for awhile, if that is what she needs now. but if you can't hold on to being "friends"with her, walk away. someone told me that, and i think it is a good advice.

 

walk away... if you must. let your heart heal. time heals all wounds. let it heal for awhile.

 

---------

love means suffering. if you love the girl, you must compromise to yourself to suffer... if you do love her, set her free... make her happy even if it meant not being happy yourself. in time you will see, that it is also good for you.

---------

[lost_in_chgo]

Well said.

 

I'd add that in giving her up you will find it the most difficult thing that you can do, but also the potential rewards are huge. You will find out alot about yourself in doing so, you will give her the opportunity to do the same (though she may not), and if you do reconcile, you will know it is because that is truly what you both want.

 

You open yourself to alot of pain and stress in doing this. It's important that you work that off. Try to focus it into positive channels.

[Dixiecron]

Lost and Angelbreath are hitting the nail on the head:

 

Any way you cut it, you have to walk away if you can't handle just being friends. This ties into the no contact policy...

 

You need time away from her to get over her, if it is the case that you will never get back together. If you are going to get back together at some point in the future, you need time away from her to get past the pain so you can be in a position to start over with her again. How can you rebuild a relationship if all you can think of is the pain she caused?

 

Either way, you need to walk.

 

Just walk.

 

Maybe you end up back where you started with the ex, or maybe you end up in a new place that is even better than what you thought you had before. But you can't get to either place if you don't start putting one foot in front of the other...

[monkey]

Angel breath, Lost & Dixie

Angel, i like the statement at the bottom of your postings, it eases me, to think if i love them, to do what they want, to suffer a pain myself in order for others to be happy, sounds a bit biblical to me!

Your words make me feel peaceful & warm, i do keep it to myself, i write down a letter on paper, venting that way & pretend to post it, but i don't.

 

Even if she may be with another, my feelings don't change & when i get my chance, i can say i leaft you alone, because i love you!

 

Lost & Dixie,

Right you hard, the actions are so much harder than the words. Is it me, or do some of us find it easier somedays than others.

Reconciliation needs time away at first, but it hurts, the memories are there & i've even started to dream of her, which is nice but hellish, waking & thinking things are different.

I'm spending too much time on my own at moment & dwelling, but then again, i don't hear people asking about her!

[Dixiecron]

Monkey,

 

Yes some days are harder than others for all of us.

 

Here's a question: what if you never ever get a chance to tell her that you left her alone because you love her? What then? Maybe its enough to just take that sentiment, pack it up in a little corner of yourself, and do something else with your time.

 

As for your biblical talk about pain, consider this: If it is your position in life to heal others then you need to be able to let them go their own way when they are healed. And after they leave you need to take the time alone -without them in your life- so that you may heal yourself and be ready for the next person that needs your love, be it a friend of yours, your parents or, God willing, a woman who will stick with you through everything.

[lost_in_chgo]

"love travels on a gravel road"

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

white_angelbreath... i must love her as i still have the same feelings for her after nearly 4 months since we split up, as for setting her free, she is free to do whatever she likes... remember it is her that is keeping the contact up with me, i rarely ever contact her, whenever i perform the no contact rule she phones me up or texts me asking me how i am and wants to arrange dates to do things

 

this week she has been phoning me asking about my mother ( she is in hospital ) , i wasn't in and she left messages asking me to call her back which i didn't even do, although maybe i should return her calls

 

and no i don't want her back just to ease my pain, i met and fell in love with this girl, she is special to me which is rare as i have dated 100's of women over the years and only liked about 3 of them

 

i do believe the just friends thoery is just a myth after one has had a serious relationship with someone

 

white_angelbreath... good to hear you know countless of people who reconciled, i really only know of one instance of this

 

so lately i have been very level headed, i am not a needy desperate person whatsoever, so far i have kept my longing for her to myself , anyone should know that women hate a man crying like a little puppy for them, no woman would ever like a man like that! and i have to say it isn't appealing in a woman either!

 

i know about the walking away thoery being good for me, this is something that i may need to do one day, it is a bad situation as like i say very rarely in life do we meet people that are that special to us!

[sensitiveguy]

Brain -

It's hard to just say no contact. But when you say it you are telling them you still have feelings for them. You don't look weak - you actually look strong in her eyes by enforcing it. Also she will actually get a chance to miss you! Sticking around is giving to much of yourself. Especially if it hurts as much as I think it does for you. (I have done this before - with the one I have been posting about lol)

 

How would you feel if she found someone else while being "friends" with you? You get set back months from recovering. Plus you end up feeling used. I am not saying this will happen, but one must always consider what is best for you.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

that sounds correct sensitive guy!

 

that is why i didn't phone her to go out on Sunday and didn't agree with her request to go on holiday with her either ( which shocked her ), i will continue to make myself less available to her, i haven't been a complete doormat but i probably am doing too much at the same time!

 

if she finds someone else i will tell her to not contact me again, i am not going to allow her to dump me the 2nd time for our "friendship"

 

anyway what would her new boyfriend think of her going out with me anyway unless she lies to him and doesn't tell him that we were together once!

 

and you're right it does hurt, you said you done this before so you know where i'm coming from, its a bloody nightmare!

[white_angelbreath]

if she is special to you, then fight for your love, then. ask your self if you still want her or not? if you want still want her and she only wants to be friend with you FOR NOW, then accept it.

 

--

its better to return her calls.

last time, i sent sms messages to my ex and he didn't reply to it, i felt terrible. i knew at that moment he was pushing me away by not responding. he responded the next day, to my relief, and i take it as a good sign of wanting to communicate with me.

 

but do you want to communicate with her? its all up to you.

 

i tried to communicate with my ex, thru sms messages and personally talking to him, by asking him about his dog, about things that matters to him or interest him. my reason for wanting to talk to him is not about the dog or whatever, but its about extending myself to communicate with my guy.

 

probably, your ex wants to communicate with you. she takes time to know what is happening to you by indirectly asking how is your mother. probably, i am not sure. the girl has her reasons, but the point is, she is trying to communicate now with you by being interested in what matters to you.

 

--

 

just friends theory, maybe a theory, but it depends on you if you want to apply it. i know it is hard to "being friends" only after you had serious relationship with your ex. i know because that is also what i am feeling right now.

 

but learn to accept it, so that you can move on. besides, isn't it that great and lasting relationships start from stable frienships?

 

just friends theory is definitely not a myth. just look around you, observe. learn how the people you know who are into serious relationships keep their relationship intact. what is that "thing" that made them bond together? and eventhough they experienced "rough times" how did they handle it?

 

love is not easy. it takes a lot of work. you have to put some effort into it. that is why, if you really love someone and you think she is that "one special rose among the thousand roses in the bush" then you have to take care of that rose.

 

--

you have to take care of that special girl that you choose among the other girls that you dated. not only that you have to look after her welfare (i don't mean financially, its more of thinking what is good for her in the long run) but you also have to nourish your relationship with each other.

 

love is not easy, ok? sometimes you have to compromise a lot of things. mostly, you have to compromise a lot of your needs for the needs of your loved one.

 

so if your ex is really special to you, then do what you have to do. take care of her needs. if right now she wants to communicate with you, communicate with her, that is her need.

 

sometimes it takes just a little bit of discipline to get what you want. what do you want for your self in the long run? think about it.

 

--

 

as for walking away (or "no contact rule"), it is a good advice if you can no longer handle the situation anymore. if you can no longer endure the pain. it will give you time to be healed of your pain and regain the strength to love again.

 

--

 

know what you really want, ok? if you still want her or not. you are now responsible for your actions, for your choices.

[white_angelbreath]

Sensitive and Brain...

 

i agree with both of you, but sometimes overdoing so much of no-contact policy would drive the girl away. and it would prevent both of you from communicating with each other. and would completely close the doors between the two of you.

 

it really depends on what you want - if you still want her or not?

 

if you still want her, then communicate, but in ways that will make her respect you and also for you to respect her. meaning, that you can't always be TOO AVAILABLE to her. sometimes say no, if it is necessary. sometimes say yes. it really depends on the situation. it is for you to decide. the point is, sooner or later she will realize that she can't always have her way, and she will respect you for this. its all in disciplining how to give your friendship and love actually... and establishing respect.

 

but if you no longer want her, so why bother with her. as for her finding another loved one (other than you), be happy, maybe she is happy that way. maybe she is happy finding someone else to love. so why not be happy for her? unless, you only want her to yourself.. and that is so selfish.

 

so if its hurts... then accept it and move on... life is worth living. even deep down inside you it hurts like hell, cheer up, don't waste the day for nothing.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

thanks for your advice white_angelbreath, you have and some others too have been extraordinally positive compared to what i am thinking about my situation

 

i agree with both of you, but sometimes overdoing so much of no-contact policy would drive the girl away. and it would prevent both of you from communicating with each other. and would completely close the doors between the two of you

if you still want her, then communicate, but in ways that will make her respect you and also for you to respect her. meaning, that you can't always be TOO AVAILABLE to her. sometimes say no, if it is necessary. sometimes say yes

 

this is it you see, it seems to be a fine line to tread and i don't want to sway towards either so far to the point where i am undecided and confused as what to do next...

 

just last weekend i didn't return her sms or calls, she was wanting to go out for a 1/2 day doing things together but i decided to not make myself available for a change

 

i am receiving somewhat conflicting advice here both in loveshack and from friends

 

yes i want to be happy for her whatever she does and my actions so far have shown this

 

unless, you only want her to yourself.. and that is so selfish

 

i think everyone is selfish when it comes to choosing partners as she is selfish if [she is finding someone else to love

 

i don't necessarily think wanting somebody to yourself is selfish as such... most people want their partners they fell in love with to themselves!!!! is that selfish? if yes then there is nothing wrong with such selfishness as that is the moral of my and most other peoples upbringing here on Loveshack

 

a good girlfriend of mine told me from her perspective that she is sending me very mixed signals here, i wasn't reading into it too much and i just repeated what my ex said to me on our last date or day out if you wish!

 

very confused here as to what my next move should be!

[Dixiecron]

Brain,

 

When someone wants to be with a person that they really and truly want to be with, they do NOT send mixed signals. Think about your own past when you dated women you really liked, and women you weren't totally into.

 

Quit trying to be friends. Quit trying to figure her out. Quit trying to walk a line. Just stop. Breathe for a bit. Look outside around you, and feel the earth spinning. There are a million things none of us will ever understand...

 

Does it really matter if you call? Don't try to answer that right away. Just let the question sink in for a while. She walked away, didn't she? Everything comes and everything goes. Let this go. Let her go.

[white_angelbreath]

i agree with you, that everyone of us is at least selfish in one way or another. probably, the reason is because we don't want to get hurt. it is natural for us to protect ourselves from further harm - from letting others hurt us and also hurting ourselves..

 

if you are in a commited relationship, then be committed to it. i did not mean that by having a serious relationship, either just anyone of you can look for somebody else to love also. it is wrong to cheat, ok.

 

but if the relationship is already broken, whether it is a mutual decision or not. then accept it. it takes time to accept and move on. it really takes time, believe me.

so whether one of you or both of you decide to separate ways, then let each other free. free to love. so that if she comes back to you, its her free choice also to come back to you.

 

but if she decides to live her life without you. then accept it and move on. it may hurt, but learn to cope with your hurt. it is you alone who can do that -- to heal yourself. it takes time, believe me, to heal oneself.

 

heal youself first before you begin a relationship (either with your ex-gf or somebody else)

 

i been hurt before, just like you, but i resolved to myself to do something better. that is why i am not hurt anymore. i know that because i want to try to love again.

hope and courage are my strengths to love and to live one day at a time. i have my own problems, frustrations and fears to deal with in choosing this decision. but i believe in myself that love will come again.

 

do you believe that love will be sown anew with your ex?

if yes, then work towards it.

 

don't give up.

 

your ex is probably confused also just as you are. she has her reasons, probably.

observe her for awhile so that you will know why she still wants to have contact with you. for the meantime, protect yourself from further harm (rather hurt), ok?