A little complicated...

[Tonkerponk]

So this is going to be pretty long, so Im gonna format is best I can, to keep it easy on the eyes. Been a long time lurker, but just decided to register so I can actually post =)

 

So back in December I meet this new girl. I dont usually pick up girls, and Im not the bar/club type of guy, not my atmosphere. (Im 24 btw). Im in a retail store, and I see a girl thats really pretty and we make eye contact a few times, and she smiles at me, so I decide what the hell. I make small talk and she asks me if I know her from somewhere (lol complete bs because I was positive Ive never seen her), after 1 or 2 mins of chat I get her number and Im giddy. We text back and forth a few times with some stuff and set up a first date.

 

So I go out with her, and we have a great first date, lasted about 4 hours or so. I learn that shes a pre-professional ballerina, goes to an Ivy league college, and we share the exact same taste in books, movies, and all other interests, same political tastes ect ect. So at the end of the date I go to drop her off, and I lean in for a kiss, and she stops me and tells me she doesnt kiss on the first date. She tells me although it was a great time and shes in to me, its just a rule she has. Which is completely okay. Anyways, its toward the end of x-mas break and we cant set up a second date due to schedule conflictions, and she leaves to go back to school. Before she leaves she expresses that shes upset that we couldnt meet up again, but I figure, "Well, this girl is going back to school, we only had a first date, which was really good, but shes gonna meet another guy or something" so I just kind of let it go. We dont talk for 4 months.

 

So in May, I get a random text from her and shes back in town for the summer, just graduated with her Masters degree. So I set up a second date and things are great. We end up, over the course of the summer getting really close to eachother, spending some time nearly everyday together, meeting each others family and friends ect. But during some of our dates she expresses some skepticism about me.

 

She thinks Im a player. Im really not, and while we were seeing eachother, I never went on a date or anything with another girl. She expresses how she feels that Im too handsome, too confident and funny on our dates ect and she just cant believe it, that Im too good to be true or something. Never once on any of our dates did I flirt with another woman, respond to any texts, take any phonecalls or anything, my attention is always 100% on her, because Im seriously nuts for her. I express how I care for her and think we have serious potential together, and she agrees, and lets me know, after I asked that she hasnt been seeing anyone since we started seeing eachother.

 

During the last month she was here she got really angry with me. We were out having drinks and it was me, her and 4 of her girlfriends, clearly showing me off trying to get evaluation of me from her friends, which is completely cool. I know how important it is for a girl to have approval of a guy from her friends, so I spend most of the time paying attention to them showing them a good time, making them laugh and whatnot. After we leave she sends me a flurry of texts saying how I spent way too much attention on her friends, Im just playing her, shes sick of the games, how "Im so ****ing crazy about you, and you just dont care". I get really upset because shes completely misread me, and I learn that her friends think the same thing of me! That Im too confident, funny, blah blah blah, and they pointed out how I didnt pay much attention to her. Well the next day we go out and have a long chit chat about things and things are settled and we both apologize for things.

 

Towards the middle of summer, I learn she gets accepted in to Harvard for grad school. Great! I love successful women who are driven, but this means shes gone for 3 more years. Although shes gone for 3 years, she will always be back in town as shes extremely close with her family, and doesnt ever go on vacations or anything, so shes always around for summer/xmas breaks and what not. I also learn that at the age of 25, shes only had sex with one guy in her life, and that she never kissed a guy until she was 18, and I believe her 100% based on how slow she wants to take things and how I can tell she protects her emotions. Her parents pushed her from a very young age to "avoid boys" and focus on school and dance ect. For example, shes a pre-prof ballerina, teaches all levels, and grad the top of her high school and ivy-league college class. She takes those things very seriously and commits 100% of her attention and time to it. So all of that results in her being kind of emotionally distant, and very protective of her emotions and men.

 

A week before she leaves, we have "The talk". We both agree to try long distance, despite us both acknowledging how difficult it will be. She gets very serious with me and asks me again if Ive been seeing anyone, and I look her in the eye, hold her hand and am very serious with her, and I let her know the truth about how I think shes misread me as being a player, Ive never seen anyone else not even once ect. She believes me. As we're leaving an in the car, she looks at me and tells me "Theres something I need you to know...Im in..." and she cuts herself off and says its too early to say what she wants, and its clear she wants to tell me she loves me, but just cant yet. Thats okay, even though I feel the same way for her. She tells me she wants me to come visit her, will pay for half my plane ticket, which I accept and tell her we'll plan it out once the time gets closer.

 

She leaves and goes off to school, and for the first two weeks shes very busy getting her dorm setup and running errands, and we only text a few times every day, and talk once in a week. I understand shes at grad school at arguably the best school in the nation, ****s hard. The next week I try hard to get into contact with her and our communcation breaks down. I send her an email letting her know that Im a little disappointed in our communication and I want to make things work. She responds saying that she doesnt have time for this, shes too busy, too stressed, but shes sorry and misses me and care very much. Of course Im devastated and I dont talk to her for a week so I can give her some space. I send her a text every 3 or 4 days but her responses are very slow and "uninspired", she never initiates a text, call or email for a few weeks, so I decide to go NC.

 

Fast forward to now, we havent talked in a month or so. I have a few Halloween pics up, a few include a girl I know, and Im with her in the pics, but there is truly nothing between us. She sees this on FB and posts on a pic that we look like we had fun and look great together. This is our first contact in over a month. So I send her a txt asking if shes coming back in town for the upcoming break, and she says maybe, but she says "I know you have a girlfriend, its no big deal" This is her immediate response to me asking when shes coming back. I let her know that shes wrong and im not and again she says "Look its no big deal, I dont really care anyways". So I let it go at that because I was pretty upset and didnt want to have a negative knee-jerk reaction to her. I really havent gone on ONE date since shes been gone.

 

So shes coming back soon, but I have no idea what to say to her and Id really like to see her. Any advice? I apologize for the novel-length post. All my friends tell me I should just let her go, shes gonna be gone for years and Im just tearing myself apart over her.

[Eternity001]

I would let it go if it were me. Plus she sounds way too insecure and somewhat immature for my liking.

 

I've never really been in a long distance relationship and probably wouldn't willingly sign up for it. I would imagine that if you are to make it work then you have to meet halfway and both want the same thing. In your situation and her obvious insecurity issues, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle for pretty much the entire time. Seen as she can't handle seeing you next to anyone of the opposite sex.

 

Trust me she does care, she just says she doesn't.

 

Do you want all the trauma of having to explain yourself every 5 minutes when someone has a bad opinion of you based on their own insecurity given they have zero evidence. I know I wouldn't.

[ARISthess]

she sounds way too insecure and somewhat immature

 

Agree

 

I would imagine that if you are to make it work then you have to meet halfway and both want the same thing. In your situation and her obvious insecurity issues, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle for pretty much the entire time.

 

Agree

 

Trust me she does care, she just says she doesn't.

 

Agree

 

She doesn't have much experience with guys, so its up to you to make the sacrifices needed to make it work.

 

First thing you should do is think it over and see if you really see a future between the two of you. Then I think everyone here on LS will help you with a good action plan.

[DustySaltus]

It's ironic how she thinks your the player when it seems like she was the one who initiated contact in the first place.

 

As the other guys said, you will be fighting an uphill battle on a daily basis. I was in your situation with an ex fiance. I moved halfway across the world to be with her and she still didn't think I was serious about her. It was like trying to fill a bottomless pit on a daily basis. What eventually will happen is that you will spend so much energy trying to "show" her that you care, you will lose all sense of self.

 

I was also in the same situation when it came to meeting her friends. It's hard because when you first meet them you want to try to give them your attention as well. A secure girl would understand this and give you as pass in this situation, she didn't.

 

I think that you really have to ask yourself if you are willing to go through a pattern like this for at least the next 3 years. I think that the distance is the least of your problems right now. (Although, I will say that posting a picture with you and another girl before you have a clear explanation of where your relationship was at that point, wasn't the greatest idea) It's her insecurity and focus right now that's the problem. Great, she's going to school and doing all these big things but where do you fit in the big picture?

 

I know you care about her but I am telling you from personal experience that was one of the most difficult times in my life, you have to let her go. If you want to get things off your chest in an email or something like that, go ahead but don't expect a response. She needs to come back to you and say that she's willing to work on the issues in the relationship. That's a start.....then you have to see whether or not the heavy lifting involved would be worth it...

[Tonkerponk]

First of all, thanks for the help guys. Still havent talked to her. She may be back in town for the Thanksgiving break, and for sure during X-mas. Ive already let her know Im not seeing anyone and thatd Id love to see her, so I feel like the ball is in her court now. If she wants to see me, she'll make contact.

 

It's ironic how she thinks your the player when it seems like she was the one who initiated contact in the first place.

 

She did tell me once that she goes on a lot of dates, but they rarely go past the first since shes so picky, for whatever reasons.

 

(Although, I will say that posting a picture with you and another girl before you have a clear explanation of where your relationship was at that point, wasn't the greatest idea)

 

Yeah, I agree. But the thing is, they were jutt your typical FB pics of Arm-around-the-girl-and-smile type of thing. Nothing beyond that. One other thing that irritates me, is that since shes been gone shes uploaded 50 of these type of pics, with like 20 different guys shes met, and I post 3 and she automatically jumps to the conclusion that Im dating the girl in the pic. Although I understand its a trend for girls on facebook to do that.

 

I know you care about her but I am telling you from personal experience that was one of the most difficult times in my life, you have to let her go. If you want to get things off your chest in an email or something like that, go ahead but don't expect a response. She needs to come back to you and say that she's willing to work on the issues in the relationship.

 

Yeah.Its almost torture knowing that she could be back here during breaks/summer, and we could get really serious for awhile, then shes gone again for months.

 

Two things I did forget to mention was that she asked me before she left if that things didnt work out, she made me promise to her that when she was done with school we could try again. I told her yes, probably, as long as we were both single and nothing crazy happened, so we'll see. And in the same conversation, she offered me her facebook login/password. I told her I didnt want it because I felt that if I knew that, it would already be a breach in trust, and she agreed. This was in the same conversation as when she almost dropped the L-bomb.

 

Thanks for your help guys. I gotta head out for now, ill post more a little bit later, gotta go take a test!

[xpaperxcutx]

She's a really insecure person. If you plan to have anything long term with her, you're going to have to put in extra effort in ease her insecurities. That means constantly reassuring her, constantly letting her know you care about her, constantly texting her to remind her you're still there for her, etc.

 

It's really a headache but I can tell you one thing, she' the type who has a wall around her but when she falls for someone, she falls exceptionally hard.

[lapse]

Yea, ya know, xpapercut may have hit it spot on.

 

Maybe you just need to have a 'cut the crap' conversation. i.e. We are doing this or we are not. "Until you hear otherwise from me, I'm doing this... but I gotsta know... are you?" Enough of the BS already. The flaking and whatnot. I'd say give this kind of conversation a shot and tell her you're just about done with the 'maybe we are; maybe we're not' and let her know what your expectations are. If she isn't on the same page, then you'll know. And find out what her expectations are, what it will take to keep her spine straight (spine as in security).

 

I have a tendency to be super-insecure about anyone I really like. I have always been super grateful when the person I'm with lays it on the line... you've been seeing each other long enough (even if it's here and there, your history spans a long time, relatively, for two people who seem to grow blurry as the weeks pass). The guy that I have been with the longest was always super clear with me... always setting a date at parting for when we'd see each other again, always making it clear that he planned to see me again, etc. Don't leave things blurry, especially when you have so much physical distance. I know that you're handling her with kid gloves, but sometimes it is just best to put it out there.

Edited November 17, 2010 by lapse

[Eternity001]

I agree with lapse.

 

You need to lay it all out on the table. Let her know where your head is, let her know what you're are prepared to do to make it work (if that is your choice) and try and cut out all the bull****. Insecurity is a tough battle to fight, even more so when there's distance involved.

 

Maybe if you tell her these things it might sink in, who knows. It at least might make her think. I can't imagine, however, that her initial reaction to this kind of method of conversation will be positive. You probably won't get answers you're looking for up front.

 

If she can't grasp the concept that someone actually cares about her like you do though and decides to give you round about answers and try to make you feel guilty just to make herself feel better about her insecurities, then you have a choice to make. I find it unfair when people punish you for their own shortcomings and it's easier to do it to those closer to you, like in this case.

 

It's one thing to be insecure, it's another thing to milk it in my opinion, that's where I draw the line. Especially when she has no basis for her insecurity where you're concerned.

[Tonkerponk]

Well I still dont know if shes going to be back in town. I sent her a text on monday, telling her I liked some of her newest pics and that she looked really good, no response.

 

If shes coming back, she'll be here by sunday, at the latest. I figure if shes coming in town, and wants to see me she'll let me know. Last time she talked to me though, she said how even if she was in town, shed be constantly studying. But Im pretty sure that if you want to see someone, you find/make time.

 

Should I wait for her to contact me, or do you think I should ask her again on like saturday or something? Id obviously much rather lay my feelings on the table for her in person rather than an email or something.

[Tonkerponk]

Called last night, asking if she ever made it here, went to voicemail after a minute. Left one asking if she ever came here and that I missed her and would love to see her. See what happens now I suppose. I wont be contacting her again until she does first. She knows where I stand.