Boyfriend broke up with me after 6 years...

[shocked_confused]

Not sure how you all deal with this so well.... My fiance of 6.5 years told me last Sunday that she wasn't in love with me anymore, and took her ring off handed it too me and that was it... We live together have a 2.5 yo and I thought life was going great.. Somehow I was fooled... Things have been really rough for me since then... I have basically begged and pleaded... Stupid of me huh ? I don't get it, you don't fall out of love overnight.... But I guess it could be the age.... I am 32, she is 22 and we met when she was 17 and have been together since.... but we have a family.. How can someone tear that down.. I dont get it.. gotta wipe the tears.. Thanks for any replies..

 

 

 

Hmmm, I have a feeling she's going through what my ex-bf is going through right now. She was really young when you guys started dating, so maybe she has this feeling of wanting to get out there and search for her independence/experience life type of thing. Maybe she feels that she settled down too young and she sees other women her age still having fun and living free without responsibilities. I think for now you should give her the space she needs and allow her to think about things more clearly.

 

I seriously understand what you're going through. My ex-bf and I had always thought we would end up getting married, but then he moved to some new and exciting place and decided he wants his freedom. I haven't had any contact with him in a week (I slipped up last week by responding to one of his texts), but aside from that I haven't talked to him at all. Believe it or not i feel a lot better then I did when i first started this thread. I'm starting to think of myself more and what I want, and it feels good.

 

I still cry sometimes and can't believe we're actually not together, but its getting better...Its just one big rollercoaster ride, and you'll probably experience different emotions as I have. Posting on here has helped me a lot, and I think it will help you too. Talk to your friends and family about it too; cry, get it all out; excercise, it makes you happier and its been helping me; do anything you can to keep yourself busy. That's what I've been doing and its helping.

 

I'm not completely healed of course, and i don't expect to be for months, but I'm in a much better place then I was a few weeks ago. And it has a lot to do with the advice people have been giving me on here, not talking to him, and focusing on myself.

 

Good luck, I hope everythings works out well for you! Stay strong

[badrobot]

I just broke up a couple weeks ago also with my bf of 4.5 years, we met in college and we're both 24 now. Same deal, he doesn't want me to rely on him anymore. Wants to get out there and experience life for himself. Messages me and tells me I can talk to him anytime. (Loves me but not 'in love' with me.) Guh. I want to move on SO fast. For putting me through all this pain, ...that's just not a sign of love. If he wanted to work things out he would have tried. I was open to it. THEREFORE, I don't want him back. I wish in a way he did want me back, or had regret, but only time will tell.

 

What you said about 'not wanting to run away from your problems' hit home with me. I am worried about doing just that, but also have sizeable plans I want to embark on. I wonder how long I'm allowed to chillax and take time out. I don't want to be pathetic, wallow forever, and overindulge myself. I don't want to go too fast but I don't want to be lazy. What have you been doing to get through this?

 

You're very strong for not contacting him, I am following suit myself, and I'm picking up the pieces too. I think we're really in a similar boat. Thanks for posting

[shocked_confused]

I just broke up a couple weeks ago also with my bf of 4.5 years, we met in college and we're both 24 now. Same deal, he doesn't want me to rely on him anymore. Wants to get out there and experience life for himself. Messages me and tells me I can talk to him anytime. (Loves me but not 'in love' with me.) Guh. I want to move on SO fast. For putting me through all this pain, ...that's just not a sign of love. If he wanted to work things out he would have tried. I was open to it. THEREFORE, I don't want him back. I wish in a way he did want me back, or had regret, but only time will tell.

 

What you said about 'not wanting to run away from your problems' hit home with me. I am worried about doing just that, but also have sizeable plans I want to embark on. I wonder how long I'm allowed to chillax and take time out. I don't want to be pathetic, wallow forever, and overindulge myself. I don't want to go too fast but I don't want to be lazy. What have you been doing to get through this?

 

You're very strong for not contacting him, I am following suit myself, and I'm picking up the pieces too. I think we're really in a similar boat. Thanks for posting

 

 

Wow our situations are really similar! I'm sorry you have to go through this too. Our ex-bf's must be going through some quarterlife thing where they realize they're still young and want to meet other people to see what else is out there. I think its that "Grass is Greener" syndrome...a lot of people around our age go through that apparently. Basically, what their doing is selfish and the fact that they would break it off with us so quickly without even trying to work it out says a lot about them (I don't know about you, but I didn't see this coming).

 

What am I doing to get through this? Well the first thing I did was talk about it with friends, family, co-workers, whoever would listen lol. And cry a lot. It feels good to get everything off your chest. Thats pretty much what I did for about a week and a half. I take fitness classes at the gym, ranging from yoga to bootcamp. That realllllly helps since exercising gives you endorphins, making you naturally happier. Oh, and I've been going shopping, A LOT. I've spent almost $500 on a new wardrobe in the last week in fact, and I'm not finished. I don't want to sound like i've taken up a shopping addiction to fill a void, but it's something I really needed to do. I used to spend so much money just to go and see him, that I never spent money on myself! So i'm making up for lost time and it feels GREAT. I think its important after a break up to take extra care of yourself haha.

And at the moment, I'm focusing on my career. While I'm somewhat content with where I'm working now, I really want to move somewhere new and meet new people. I've been looking at moving to Vancouver and have started applying to jobs in my field. We'll see if I follow through, hopefully it pans out!

 

Basically, you should just focus on yourself and what you want now, and put all your energy into that. Haha, i love how I'm talking like an expert when I'm still dealing with the aftermath of a devastating breakup. But seriously, all these things that I'm doing have helped me a lot and I hope it will help me get over him within a few months. And like I said in another post, I'm still sad and hurt by the whole thing but I refuse to let it take over my life. So cutting contact with him and focusing on my goals are the two main things that are getting me through all this (along with what I mentioned in the previous paragraph).

 

I think we'll both be fine in the end, you seem to be handling it pretty well too. How have you been/how are you dealing with things?

[shocked_confused]

PS. Going out and partying with friends has definitely been helping me too! Its good to let loose

[SincereOnlineGuy]

(deep and compassionate sigh)

 

I think the things that you need to hear are that relationships begun so young uuuuuuuuuuuusually have to end based on how much both sides evolve and change between their teens and over the next few years of young adulthood.

 

Of course he probably went across country and discovered, randomly, that there was a big, new, and different social world there, and that it was of some interest to him.

 

He's probably not "wrong" to have felt that way, and he did seemingly let you down somewhat directly without stringing you along and deceiving you.

 

It just... HURTS... I know...

 

And you are probably better off with a clean, sharp break too.

 

Time will heal...

[Graceful]

Sounds like you are doing really well. You have to keep your self-respect, and you also have to respect your ex, even though it hurts. Remember that you cannot make someone love you, he has to want to be with you, and the more you leave him alone, the more sure you will be that the split is the right thing.

 

No contact, no contact, no contact. Cannot emphasize that enough!! I made mistakes in one of my major breakups and have regrets. In other breakups, if someone broke with me, I walked away with grace and respect. Remember, you need to take care of YOU.

 

If he comes back, you may be surprised, you may not want him anymore. Live for yourself, be proud of yourself!

[shocked_confused]

(deep and compassionate sigh)

 

I think the things that you need to hear are that relationships begun so young uuuuuuuuuuuusually have to end based on how much both sides evolve and change between their teens and over the next few years of young adulthood.

 

Of course he probably went across country and discovered, randomly, that there was a big, new, and different social world there, and that it was of some interest to him.

 

He's probably not "wrong" to have felt that way, and he did seemingly let you down somewhat directly without stringing you along and deceiving you.

 

It just... HURTS... I know...

 

And you are probably better off with a clean, sharp break too.

 

Time will heal...

 

 

 

Thanks Sincereonlineguy,

 

I know, we did start dating pretty young. Its really tough to deal with. One minute we were fine, then 3 weeks after he moves somewhere we're over. I just woke up from a dream about him so now I'm sad! hopefully work will distract me enough today...blagh. Definitely will be going to the gym tonight.

 

Funny how the last 2 days i felt great, and right now after a dream, i feel low. Suchhh a rollercoaster ride...

[Bobblie]

That one thing that is killing me is this... We are living in the same place right now until after the holidays for our daughter. We have talked about things, and she kills me every time as I expect to be hurt by the conversations, I am getting kinda numb to it. But through out our coversations, she keeps saying I don't want anyone else, I dont wanna be with anyone else... and I am not looking. I just am not in love with you anymore and I am not the same person I used to be... Someone explain that line to me? " I am not the same person I used to be " .... because to me she hasn't changed.... She still does things the exact same, exact same attitude etc... I just dont get it... Maybe someone can help.... I still tell her I love her, she does not say it back, which I expect, but I also believe you dont fall out of love overnight like she says has happened.... She goes to leave,some days she will hug me and tell me bye, other times she doesn't... Looking at her she looks so sad, but I can guarantee I am sadder... I just dont get it... I reall dont..

[shocked_confused]

Heyy,

 

So the last couple days have been pretty good up until right now....Even though I deleted him from facebook, I still saw a message he sent to one of our mutual friends (we have lots of mutual friends on fbook). He was talking about how amazing his new life is and how he has no complaints, etc. UGHHH. I mean, not that I want him to be miserable the rest of his life, but the fact that it seems like he's moved on just hurts...like he's forgotten all about me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Heyy,

 

So the last couple days have been pretty good up until right now....Even though I deleted him from facebook, I still saw a message he sent to one of our mutual friends (we have lots of mutual friends on fbook). He was talking about how amazing his new life is and how he has no complaints, etc. UGHHH. I mean, not that I want him to be miserable the rest of his life, but the fact that it seems like he's moved on just hurts...like he's forgotten all about me.

 

 

Hi again,

 

I think this is just a dynamic of the brand-newness of his situation. You are sitting at home and seeing the same old dust-bunnies on the stairs that you never get around to moving/sweeping... and he, invariably, is out in a new neighborhood/new state... finding a new sushi place down the block and around the corner. That is always going to sound great compared to dust bunnies.

 

If it matters, I think he is somebody who could be swayed by just that amount of 'newness' in his life... and perhaps YOU are best off now for having learned that about him beFORE you ever made any marriage plans, sent any invitations, had a ring, and then had to back-track on that with all of your families, etc.

 

Ultimately, what you share most with a partner is TRUST, and that means many things other than feeling confident that he/she won't go out and boff your best friend. It means, among other things, that you can feel confident of them leaning on you with as much commitment and devotion as you are inclined to feel when leaning on them.

 

Stories like this don't always have to end with your best friend having wiggled her boobs and your guy made to want to jump ship as a result. Your will to trust him just so far as wanting to BE THERE, with YOU, all the while... has now sorta revealed itself to have been a more wobbly investment than you had previously known.

 

Just that new understanding should help you to see a much bigger picture in what you want and need in a mate.

 

You're also lucky you're not predisposed to the drama which would have arisen had it been your best friend's wiggle which drew your guy off course. This one hurts in a way because it won't give you a clear reason/target for LASHING-OUT... so you could unburden yourself of the pain.

 

 

The best answer for you, as you know... is Tiiiiiiiiiiiiime (for somebody I know that has tallied to perhaps 15 years during which she got her career going really great, and now has a long-term prospect for what seems like the first time in 1 1/2 decades).

 

Hopefully that is an extreme case... and you will slowly be wooed into going out and spending time with friends... from that, at some point, will come social invites that are romantic in nature.

 

Just... tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime...

[ginastar]

yea he may also be posting that to that particular friend because he knows u will see it

[shocked_confused]

yea he may also be posting that to that particular friend because he knows u will see it

 

I know a lot of people do that...and I would understand him doing that if I was the one dumped him, but he dumped me! That would be so cruel of him...ugh.

[ginastar]

well i believe the dumpers play the games too.. i know for a fact mine has played games like that with me.

if you didnt read another post here my ex was doign weird stuff...one thing he did was email the new girl from an account he knew i had the pw too. i know he was doing it on purpose because it was not his regular everyday email and also he could have simply text her, but i think he might have been trying to make me jealous? or get my attention thinking i may contact him, i really never will know his motive....

[shocked_confused]

Hi again,

 

I think this is just a dynamic of the brand-newness of his situation. You are sitting at home and seeing the same old dust-bunnies on the stairs that you never get around to moving/sweeping... and he, invariably, is out in a new neighborhood/new state... finding a new sushi place down the block and around the corner. That is always going to sound great compared to dust bunnies.

 

If it matters, I think he is somebody who could be swayed by just that amount of 'newness' in his life... and perhaps YOU are best off now for having learned that about him beFORE you ever made any marriage plans, sent any invitations, had a ring, and then had to back-track on that with all of your families, etc.

 

Ultimately, what you share most with a partner is TRUST, and that means many things other than feeling confident that he/she won't go out and boff your best friend. It means, among other things, that you can feel confident of them leaning on you with as much commitment and devotion as you are inclined to feel when leaning on them.

 

Stories like this don't always have to end with your best friend having wiggled her boobs and your guy made to want to jump ship as a result. Your will to trust him just so far as wanting to BE THERE, with YOU, all the while... has now sorta revealed itself to have been a more wobbly investment than you had previously known.

 

Just that new understanding should help you to see a much bigger picture in what you want and need in a mate.

 

You're also lucky you're not predisposed to the drama which would have arisen had it been your best friend's wiggle which drew your guy off course. This one hurts in a way because it won't give you a clear reason/target for LASHING-OUT... so you could unburden yourself of the pain.

 

 

The best answer for you, as you know... is Tiiiiiiiiiiiiime (for somebody I know that has tallied to perhaps 15 years during which she got her career going really great, and now has a long-term prospect for what seems like the first time in 1 1/2 decades).

 

Hopefully that is an extreme case... and you will slowly be wooed into going out and spending time with friends... from that, at some point, will come social invites that are romantic in nature.

 

Just... tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime...

 

 

Thanks sincereonlineguy, you always give great advice. I am glad it ended before us getting engaged/married/having kids, I couldn't imagine someone leaving me under those circumstances. I have a feeling he would have let me down in the future if we had let our relationship keep going.

 

I'm kind of nervous for the holidays and the possibility of running into him when he comes home to visit his family next month. I'm always wondering if he'll try contacting me. Hopefully he'll be far enough out of my mind that I won't be as concerned as I am now...

[9Lives]

I know, your right about ignoring him. Its just so hard to find the strength to do that. I've been really good about not contacting him (as long as he doesn't initiate it), but maybe i'll just have to explain this no contact thing to him again if he didn't get the hint last night when i told him it's easier for me not to talk to him.

 

Ahhh we'll see i suppose.

 

Either ignore him or wait for when he is comfortable ignoring you. He is strong enough to dump you then he is strong enough to ignore you, get another woman, make you feel worst...etc!

 

Do yourself a favor and ignore him for a long time. He left you so apparently, he is not as attached as he should be. Keep that in mind. Its all alll all about him. Dont be a fool

[badrobot]

I haven't forgotten about the thread... thanks for your response, SC! I just have been taking time to let events continue happening...

 

I think there is some "grass is greener" thing going on too. Through this experience I've come to grips with the fact that I need to experience more too... but I was so happy and comfortable before. It's really hard. I remember bad things in my relationship and think I wasn't so happy and comfortable. It's really tough to say. There's a hardwired person inside that does NOT want to move on. I didn't see my situation coming, although he had been acting strangely for several months (hindsight!). I really thought we could work through things, I did my best to try to make him feel comfortable about opening up about what was bugging him, but honestly I think he knew all along that whatever he was trying to say smacked of "the end," and he didn't know what to do about that.

 

I am getting through this similarly. I'm reconnecting with old friends and my family. I spend a lot of time being emotional about this until I get bored, fall asleep, or jerk myself out of it/distract myself. I journal (usually in my worst moments, or most thoughtful moments). I haven't been as motivated to go to the gym but I want to go again soon. I have been shopping too! As much as material goods are just things, I have enjoyed making my own choices through this act. I have a sick new wardrobe and that's never finished!! Making up for lost time is definitely in there somewhere. I don't want to make rash decisions but I want to move to a neighboring town, get a new job, etc, change my life and make MY own choices. Made concrete plans to travel! Congrats to you about your job!

 

I am trying to focus on myself. In fact, until the 26th... I'd been doing GREAT. I KNEW what was happening and began to feel liberated. Accepting things, made plans to travel far and wide...

 

Then, like you, the "dream"(had those, they suck)... except he actually called me. For the first time since our problems were out in the open with each other. That's been f***ing with me. He'd text me, which I'd usually ignore. I initiated ZERO contact yet he would text me at least every other day. Whatever. That's hard, but becoming easier to ignore, or respond in an emotionless way.

 

I will unabashedly admit that I am trying to meet new guys and such (at my own pace (slow), my own method, but am doing it nonetheless). I didn't do it to make him jealous. If we're our own people then who the hell cares, only I need to care. I am trying to MOVE ON and see what's out there, and I thought I was starting to do a damn good job. It doesn't make me miss him less though, only more. I'm scared (petrified) of the unknown. But he doesn't want me anymore as his girlfriend and I can't hang on forever.

 

Unfortunately his phone call confused me-- he was trying to be nice, and apologized for things that happened on his part (really crappy immature things that hurt me deeply and shouldn't have happened). This meant a lot to me. Also "This is the best thing I can do for myself at this point but I bear no ill will toward you and I really really miss you" etc. Then "I don't want to cut contact...because I don't want to miss out on anything [read:you]" (what the hell?). I told him I need time, absolutely will not be his security blanket, nor his f*** buddy, and want to be friends eventually (we were friends 2 years before our 4.5 year relationship!). I also reminded him that he'd start ignoring me as soon as someone new came along. He said he had no intent to do this or use me in any way. Clearly he hasn't thought ahead...

 

He parked his car behind mine today in town. I told myself, "It's just a car!!!" Then I put on some music I liked and drove home. It sucks and I feel like it's only I who am confused. HE'S already friendzoned me. But if I were to advise myself, I'd say, "GTFO!! This is wishy washy sh**! He doesn't know what he wants and I have to make myself happy. Wow, not if he's intruding like this. And, I'll ignore his call next time... who am I kidding, no, I won't... Yeah, I'm in a total standstill! So now you know what it would be like if your ex boyfriend kept contacting you.

 

It's really hard. Through this I know I have to take it slow. I really have to take time to become whole all by myself without anyone. I know I have to free myself entirely... but I don't know if I want to do that given my recent interactions. I have to dump and be dumped all at the same time! This is so much work.

 

Best to you SC.

 

*edit* By the way, 9lives and sincereonlineguy are onto something....

Edited November 28, 2010 by badrobot
forgot a comment!

[shocked_confused]

I haven't forgotten about the thread... thanks for your response, SC! I just have been taking time to let events continue happening...

 

I think there is some "grass is greener" thing going on too. Through this experience I've come to grips with the fact that I need to experience more too... but I was so happy and comfortable before. It's really hard. I remember bad things in my relationship and think I wasn't so happy and comfortable. It's really tough to say. There's a hardwired person inside that does NOT want to move on. I didn't see my situation coming, although he had been acting strangely for several months (hindsight!). I really thought we could work through things, I did my best to try to make him feel comfortable about opening up about what was bugging him, but honestly I think he knew all along that whatever he was trying to say smacked of "the end," and he didn't know what to do about that.

 

I am getting through this similarly. I'm reconnecting with old friends and my family. I spend a lot of time being emotional about this until I get bored, fall asleep, or jerk myself out of it/distract myself. I journal (usually in my worst moments, or most thoughtful moments). I haven't been as motivated to go to the gym but I want to go again soon. I have been shopping too! As much as material goods are just things, I have enjoyed making my own choices through this act. I have a sick new wardrobe and that's never finished!! Making up for lost time is definitely in there somewhere. I don't want to make rash decisions but I want to move to a neighboring town, get a new job, etc, change my life and make MY own choices. Made concrete plans to travel! Congrats to you about your job!

 

I am trying to focus on myself. In fact, until the 26th... I'd been doing GREAT. I KNEW what was happening and began to feel liberated. Accepting things, made plans to travel far and wide...

 

Then, like you, the "dream"(had those, they suck)... except he actually called me. For the first time since our problems were out in the open with each other. That's been f***ing with me. He'd text me, which I'd usually ignore. I initiated ZERO contact yet he would text me at least every other day. Whatever. That's hard, but becoming easier to ignore, or respond in an emotionless way.

 

I will unabashedly admit that I am trying to meet new guys and such (at my own pace (slow), my own method, but am doing it nonetheless). I didn't do it to make him jealous. If we're our own people then who the hell cares, only I need to care. I am trying to MOVE ON and see what's out there, and I thought I was starting to do a damn good job. It doesn't make me miss him less though, only more. I'm scared (petrified) of the unknown. But he doesn't want me anymore as his girlfriend and I can't hang on forever.

 

Unfortunately his phone call confused me-- he was trying to be nice, and apologized for things that happened on his part (really crappy immature things that hurt me deeply and shouldn't have happened). This meant a lot to me. Also "This is the best thing I can do for myself at this point but I bear no ill will toward you and I really really miss you" etc. Then "I don't want to cut contact...because I don't want to miss out on anything [read:you]" (what the hell?). I told him I need time, absolutely will not be his security blanket, nor his f*** buddy, and want to be friends eventually (we were friends 2 years before our 4.5 year relationship!). I also reminded him that he'd start ignoring me as soon as someone new came along. He said he had no intent to do this or use me in any way. Clearly he hasn't thought ahead...

 

He parked his car behind mine today in town. I told myself, "It's just a car!!!" Then I put on some music I liked and drove home. It sucks and I feel like it's only I who am confused. HE'S already friendzoned me. But if I were to advise myself, I'd say, "GTFO!! This is wishy washy sh**! He doesn't know what he wants and I have to make myself happy. Wow, not if he's intruding like this. And, I'll ignore his call next time... who am I kidding, no, I won't... Yeah, I'm in a total standstill! So now you know what it would be like if your ex boyfriend kept contacting you.

 

It's really hard. Through this I know I have to take it slow. I really have to take time to become whole all by myself without anyone. I know I have to free myself entirely... but I don't know if I want to do that given my recent interactions. I have to dump and be dumped all at the same time! This is so much work.

 

Best to you SC.

 

*edit* By the way, 9lives and sincereonlineguy are onto something....

 

 

Yea i know how your feeling. However, I don't believe I'm in his friendzone since we haven't tried contacting eachother in 13 days. it's like we're completely out of each other's lives. On the day of the break up (nov.5) he said he still wanted to talk to me and be friends, but I told him I wasn't sure if that would work...He emailed me twice and text me a couple times in the first week and a half after the break up. But the last 2 weeks have been NC. I guess he's gotten the message that its a bad idea to talk, or he's just over me and onto greener grass. who knows!

 

I'm still trying to keep busy too with exercising, being with friends, and treating myself. I'm slowly healing and I'm hoping I'm contemplating getting back into dating over the next couple months. Although I wouldnt expect anything serious since I'm supposed to be focusing on myself! Anyway we'll see where my future takes me. Best of luck to you too