Is "no contact" the only way to heal?

[shakennotstirred]

I have been lurking here awhile. This board seems more compassionate for those that admit they have stumbled and fallen, feeling the inevitable pain, than some boards I have waded through.

 

I am a MM who has recently ended an affair with a single woman with a child; duration, about one year. We had a long term friendship that should have stayed that way, but because I believe we were both vulnerable, our involvement became first emotional, then physical. I never told my friend that I wanted to leave my marriage, and never expressed displeasure about my marriage or my wife to her at any time.

 

We both came to the conclusion recently that the pain of being apart from one another was overshadowing the warmth and love we shared when we were together. As all who read these posts are aware, we were never really together in the way we wanted to be, which initially we accepted, but over time discovered that we could not. There was really no place for the relationship to grow without my leaving my marriage, which neither of us wanted to occur.

 

When my friend and I last spoke, we told each other we loved one another, but respected the feelings of the other, then separated.

 

Still, having no contact with one another hurts us both, I know. I don't think we can roll back the clock and be as we were before, but there is a bedrock of admiration and respect that each of us has for the other that I would like to retain, without resuming the affair.

 

 

Is there some middle ground here, in anyone's experience? Is "no contact" the only option?

 

Can we resume our friendship, now wiser from this experience with one another, or have we separated ourselves from that connection as well?

 

I am sure this has been discussed many times, but I would appreciate knowing about the experiences of others who have been down this road before. I am very thankful for my marriage, but losing my friendship with someone who I genuinely love *and* care a great deal about seems a high price to pay as well.

 

In advance, thank you for your wisdom and your honesty, even if you feel I will find it hard to bear.

[Fancy]

No contact isn't the only way to heal but it's by far the quickest and healthiest way. If you've both decided that things have gone as far as they can and if you know you'll never leave your wife, end it once and for all. There's no way either of you can remain friends when you still feel raw emotion. You'd be very wise to stay as far away from her as possible. It'll truly be the best way for everyone involved. Trust me on this one.

[jmargel]

I'm not going to bash you for what you did, but if you truly love your wife you will tell her. Otherwise you'll be living in a world of guilt. There had to be a reason why you did this to her (your wife). Either you were having problems in the marriage, or perhaps you were being selfish.

 

In any event, if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman, you have to admit your guilt. You don't want to be on your deathbed one day, years from now, or spending the last days of her life knowing she has been living with you under false pretense.

 

You knew the consequences when you cheated and now you should face them. If she were to do this to you, I'd know you'd want to know.

 

As for this other woman, you need to stop all contact with her. You need to figure out what you want in life & decide soon. Telling your wife about this might very well end the marriage, but you don't have a choice. I don't see how you can truly love your wife, while being with someone else for a year.

[thankful1]

Originally posted by jmargel - As for this other woman, you need to stop all contact with her. You need to figure out what you want in life & decide soon. Telling your wife about this might very well end the marriage, but you don't have a choice. I don't see how you can truly love your wife, while being with someone else for a year.

 

My situation is very similar except that affair has been going for 3 years.

 

I know he loves his wife and is not going to leave his wife plus that is the last thing I would want. Going back to being just friends has been a real struggle as there still is a lot of simmering passion, a strong connection between us even when we have not communicated directly for months.

 

I think it extremely difficult but not impossible to go back to being ordinary friends if both parties are committed to trying to observe the correct boundaries.

 

If the friendship is however going to be cause of lots of internal turmoil, guilt feelings etc, then it is best to let it go - the cost would have far exceeded the benefit.

[caretoo]

I understand completely how you could be in this situation. I think I came close, if not had, (without knowing for sure) an emotional affair. I am married, as well, but did not have the intimate physical contact. I have posted elsewhere so I won't go into it here.

 

I DO NOT, however, think that you should tell your wife to rid yourself of guilt. It would be so unfair to her. She has done nothing to deserve that much pain. The guilt is yours and if you have to live with it then that is the price you must pay.

 

As far as a alternative to no contact: ??? I will say that if you must have some contact then I would not see each other in person, ever. Maybe a Christmas letter every year just to catch up or an email every once in awhile . I think it would be dangerous for you to become friends in the usual way. One argument with your wife could send you back to her.

 

If your"friend" is interested in a new relationship with someone it might be hard for her to tell you in person. It would also be too hard on her new love interest if she chose to tell him about your history while seeing you as a friend. Maybe someday, seeing her in person would be possible but not for many years.

 

I am always amazed when I run into an old bf after many years. (it has happened twice) I have often wondered what I was so attracted to! It's funny, they even sound different than I remembered. At that point I think it would be safe to "do lunch. "

[gaia]

I agree with caretoo. Why tell your wife? If you are ending this affair and want to make it work with your wife, why put her through this? I don't know if you have kids, but if you do, they would suffer too. OK, some may say you should have thought of that before having the affair, but it's done now. You are the one that cheated - you should live with the guilt. Don't unload on your wife. In her situation, I would NOT want to know.